About that Emergency Fund: Roof Replacement

 Originally Posted on June 12, 2018 in Free, Fun, Family

Ours is the end unit. See that roof with those two leak holes–I mean skylights? This is from three years ago when she was already an old lady. Farewell, girl. RIP.

We’ve known since we moved into our beloved home five+ years ago that we were due for a new roof.  The house is 24 years old with the original roof–four years past the maximum expected for the current roof.  We’ve known that we were going to have to cough up $4,000-$8,000 at some point, but we kept hoping we could save up for it after debt repayment was complete.  This weekend, the rain finally won–we have a small leak around the skylight in the master bathroom.

I’ve had a variety of emotional responses to a major home repair in the middle of finally mastering debt and crawling out of our hole.

“It’s not fair!”  It’s not.  Toughen up, buttercup!

“Maybe we should just repair it and wait?” (This is the method Dave Ramsey recommends, by the way, which made us give it more thought than we really should have since we knew the roof was past its time).  Wait for what?  The drywall to soak through and mold to start growing in the attic?  Our debt payoff will take another 21 months or so.  No thanks!

“What’s the point?  Every time we get a little bit ahead, we just get sucked back into debt!” This is a dangerous line of thinking for me, because when we emergency replaced our HVAC unit last summer (where a substantial portion of our current debt comes from), I gave into this and it caused me to increase our debt in the second half of the year because the number just felt too high and ridiculous!

“You could use the IRA contributions… you haven’t touched them to pay off your debt, but this is your HOME!  It’s an emergency!”  Yes, but it’s one we knew was coming and should have planned for.  Just like we should have managed our finances better and not been in this precarious debt situation in the first place.  We did this to ourselves–the IRA is for retirement.

I knew I needed to do something different here.  We needed a new roof.  Ultimately, being stingy here would make the final costs much greater.  Instead, I took a deep breath.

I looked at the big picture of how far we’ve come in four months.  We’ve reduced our credit card/consumer debt by almost $7,000 in just four months.  That’s enough to pay for the roof plus some!  Our habits are changed.  While we have a big vacation coming up that was planned pre-debt-elimination, and we will enjoy it, we have no other major expenditures planned/anticipated for the next few years other than the roof.  We have some things we WANT for the house, but really the roof was the last thing hanging over our heads as a NEED.  We have $1,000 in the emergency fund and can tighten our belts even more in the coming months.  I know I’m getting a raise in July (final amount pending, but it was approved by the governing board) and that our frugal habits are sustainable.  We can do this!

We took a few bids from local, highly rated roofers and decided to go with a local guy who could squeeze in the job while Min and the kids are in Korea, so they don’t have to deal with a construction site one day.  He quoted us a touch over $6,000 ($4,800 for the roof and $1,200 to replace the skylights).  His bid was in the low-middle of the offers (ranged $5,500-$7,000).  This guy, specifically.

Now, how to pay?  We could put it on a credit card, but I’m so focused on paying off that debt, I really don’t want to add to it.  It would feel like a step backwards.  I looked into home repair and home equity loans.  Too much paperwork and fees!  In the end, I decided on a $5,000, 3-year personal loan with an interest rate comparable to our (low interest) credit cards, no origination fees, and no prepayment penalties.  Hopefully, we can zap the balance when we’re done paying off the credit cards, but this will keep the loan manageable and fast.

Bye, bye emergency fund!  I guess I am going to have to try to sell off some stuff to restock it to $1,000 quickly.

This journey to gain control of my finances has made me feel more confident about this emergency, even with the fears of hopelessness, than I have felt about similar problems in the past.  I have the confidence to keep going down this path to building wealth.

They say when it rains, it pours; luckily it’s just a trickle right now.  Easily patched.

Book Review: Meet the Frugalwoods

Originally Posted on June 7, 2018 in Free, Fun, Family

I enjoy reading books by bloggers I admire because it makes me hopeful that this practice in writing that I enjoy so much could be one way to make the hobby I love a profession.  I have read a bit of Elizabeth Willard Thames’s Frugalwoods blog on and off since she started it back in 2014.  Her eschewing of the dangerous, unhealthy consumerist culture in the U.S. (while still functioning within that society) is something I have struggled in reaching my own personal goals.  I enjoyed reading even more when she became a mom and achieved her dream of homesteading, which is also when her blog picked up in popularity.  However, I was delighted to see that her first book was published in March–right when I began to get serious about my return to blogging!

Thames and her husband have achieved financial independence at an early age through a combination of hard work, frugality, and vision. Meet the Frugalwoods: Achieving Financial Independence Through Simple Living is the story behind the blog posts. I loved the story! I enjoyed parts of the book that rounded out the story–the details from her time as an Americorps VISTA volunteer and the process of buying the homestead and then settling into it were particularly interesting.

Thames is aware (and acknowledges) that she was in a privileged position to reach her goal, which some people have criticized, but I think she is quite sincere about her awareness of this privilege and appreciation for it. I admire how positive she stays, even when sharing some incidents that were undoubtedly painful and emotionally fraught (her depression while living in DC, her anxiety about work as a high-achieving liberal arts major after graduating from college, her daughter’s week and a bit in the ICU). I think this ability to focus on the positive and remain grateful for what opportunities and resources she has been given allows her to make the best use of those resources.

It would be easy to read this book and nitpick. I’ve read a lot of reviews of it that do so (the most common complaint seems to be that both Frugalwoods had extremely high salaries which she almost never mentions, and that Thames’s husband is still working full time in his well-paid, location-independent job; I don’t think that lessens the work, planning, and research they did to achieve their dream life). I hope Thames does not take these comments too much to heart.

I really do think the best thing Thames offers in her work is an understanding that long term financial goal achievement is only possible through positive perseverance and clarity in values alignment. While my family is currently restrained by some limitations she and her husband were not during their hyper-focus on their goal to purchase a homestead, I think she sets out a clear path to follow that could lead to whatever goals a person wanted to achieve, even if they take longer than she did.

Live the best life you can–the Frugalwoods do and encourage others to do so as well.  Thanks for writing, Liz!

Disclosure:  This post contains affiliate links for convenience.  I would be overjoyed if you checked these books out from the local library to read their wisdom!  However, if you would like to purchase my recommendations and financially support the work I’m doing on this blog, please feel free to use the links above.

Attitude of Gratitude: My Dad

Originally Posted on June 5, 2018 to Free, Fun, Family

Today is the fourth anniversary of the death of my father.  It’s hard to write about it, because Dad and I were very close for most of my life.  The grief I have from this loss is still overwhelming at times.  He was a funny, brilliant, stubborn, laid-back man who worked hard at what he loved (engineering), for those he loved (his family), sharing his passion for what he loved (sailing–see the picture of him on the dock).

Dad helped begin my love affair with frugality and fostered my anti-consumerist tendencies, but also reminded me that it is ok to spend money on what really matters in life.  He supported all my adult career and personal decisions, loved Min and J deeply, and never failed to make the right joke at the right time.  I cannot adequately express the joy and love he brought (and continues to bring) into my life.  That he will never know H (and she will never know him) is one of the few real regrets in my life.

“Today is the first day of the rest of your life.” (Dad’s favorite Dad quote.)

Now that I am a parent, I appreciate the constant, steady presence Dad had throughout my childhood more than ever.  He loved my mom in a way that taught me what romantic love really should be.  He encouraged me to take chances and believe in myself.  I feel his absence every day, as do the other members of my family.  But lately, I’ve been in a place to just appreciate what time we were able to share.  Life is short; Dad’s impact is enduring.  I hope to provide my own children with as much acceptance, humor, and challenge as my Dad provided me.  Thanks, Dad.  Always.

Debt Elimination Progress: May 2018

Originally Posted on June 2, 2018 in Free, Fun, Family

Given that we’ve made significant progress in reducing our spending and increasing our debt repayment that are major, sustainable behavior changes, I felt comfortable pursing an option to reduce the interest we’re paying on our current credit cards: balance transfers.  I applied for one balance transfer card that had 0% interest for 15 months and no transfer fees.  They approved me for a bit over $3000.  Then I applied for another card at 0% for 18 months with a 3% balance transfer fee (this will take only 2.5 months to come out ahead of our interest rates).  They approved almost $10,000.  These two allowed me to eliminate my highest interest rate balance (the Visa) entirely and reduce my next-highest rate (the AmEx) by about $5,000.  I will save over $100 in interest every month, which can help pay off the principal much faster!  Because of the balance transfer fee, the amount we reduced our debt by this month was a bit less, BUT we should catch up quickly!

Progress from May:

• Continued to reduce food spending. I’ve started baking at home, making my own salsa and pizza, and went to Aldi (already in love with it–you will see a post when I’ve been a few more times).  I’m seeing the light at the end of the tunnel for this budget area and finally feeling less out of control in this area!
• Balance transfer cards. As described above, we are committed enough to really paying off our consumer debt once and for all to make this worthwhile for us.  I didn’t do it at the beginning because I know I’ve start “payoff” plans before and quit; balance transfers can be a big risk for debt repayment, but I feel quite good about our ability to pay off the balances before the introductory rates expire.
• Our debt payoff is slowing down, but we are still making progress every month.  I anticipate a modest raise in July, which will help, but our pace is slow and steady for May and June as we prepare for a lengthy trip to Korea to spend time with family.  We continue to focus on ways to reduce our spending.  Here are the numbers for the end of May (with new accounts considered):
  • Visa Card: $0 (transferred and finished)
  • Home Improvement Loan: $3,500
  • AmEx: $8,000 (transferred a lot)
  • Balance Transfer 1 (0% for 15 months): $3,038
  • Balance Transfer 2 (0% for 18 months): $9,589.30
  • TOTAL: $24,127.30
  • Amount paid off this month: $508.88
  • Amount paid off TOTAL: $6,828.70

Add the reduction of non-consumer debt and we’ve torched $8,546.41 of debt in four months.

Goals for June:

1. Cancel cable internet while in Korea
2. From June 20 (when the kids and Min leave for Korea): absolute minimum groceries until I leave.
3. Try spin classes when other exercise classes are cancelled as the Y rebuilds–keeps me focused on goals.

Learning to Blog Again

 Originally Posted on May 11, 2018 in Free, Fun, Family

Getting back in the saddle.

Confession time: Although this blog is a bit under two months old, I am not new to blogging.  I began journaling online in college, and experimented with several platforms, without much success.  For several years (2007-2011) I maintained a personal blog using the Blogger platform called Going Places when I moved to South Korea to teach, lived there for three years, met and married my husband, and moved back to the U.S.  This site gained modest popularity within the expat blogging community living in Korea, and I made several real life friendships through blogging.  I enjoyed it immensely, but since I was mostly blogging about life in Korea, I had trouble continuing to blog at the same site when I moved back to the United States.

I stopped renewing my domain two years ago; the site is still there, but only because I haven’t bothered to properly archive it. I’ve tried several times to pick up blogging again (writing at my old blog, writing about marriage, writing about parenting, etc. etc.), since writing is an essential piece of my happiness, but my efforts have usually fizzled out within a few weeks.  Life got busy, I was taking graduate coursework, raising two young kids, holding down two jobs, and managing some health conditions.  Life isn’t necessarily less busy right now, but I’m making more of a commitment to all aspects of my health in 2018: physical, financial, spiritual, and psychological.  Blogging (writing) is part of that journey.

I’ve actually been thinking about starting a blog about family fun/frugality for years, but was finally inspired to take the plunge after spending some time on Shannon’s Affording Motherhood blog.  I appreciated her optimism, honesty, and can-do attitude towards blogging and saving money.  It made me brave enough to try again.  I still want to be a writer (published–I know I am a writer) when I grow up!

So far, I’m enjoying my writing journey at Free, Fun, Family.  Min shared my post about my amazing sister-in-law with her, and she appreciated it.  Several friends and family members have said kind words about my reboot.  I’ve started, cautiously, to take it public: to let people in my life know I’m writing, commenting on blogs, linking on social media, etc.  If you’ve happened upon my quiet corner of the internet, thank you for taking the time to read my work.  Please feel free to drop me a note in the comments, and let me know what you think.

Family Fun Tip: Festivals

Originally Posted on May 4, 2018 in Free, Fun, Family

Spring has finally sprung here in Maryland.  In our delightful small city, family-friendly festivals are held year-round.  However the pleasant-weather months of Spring, Summer, and Fall are the heaviest seasons for festivals, since they are usually outdoors.

Every year, our family attends between five and twenty-five festivals or similar events within close driving distance.  We’ve been to farm festivals, history festivals, nature festivals, children’s festivals, Asian/Korean/other culture festivals, holiday-themed festivals (think Fourth of July or Halloween), wine/cheese/maple syrup festivals, and more.  We spend time researching different events in our area and challenge ourselves to find new ones, even as we reprise visiting our favorites.

Such events can be quite expensive, with many opportunities to spend money on food, clothing/gift items, and activities, so it pays to do some work to keep costs down and maximize the fun without a lot of spending.  Here are my tips for maximizing your frugal enjoyment of these festivals:

1. Look for festivals with no or very low entry fees, and watch for hidden fees.  And watch out for “free” entry, but then everything associated with the event costs money (parking fees, tickets to purchase for activities, extra money for tastings, etc.).  Most of the festivals we frequent are free with free parking, but we’ll pay a bit if it offers a lot of entertainment value for our whole family.  I find that festivals sponsored by nonprofit entities (health agencies, parks and rec, churches, libraries, etc.) tend to be better about this than private organizations, but not always.  One of my favorite festivals for our young children is the spring/fall festival at a local commercial dairy farm (where the goat picture came from).  They are very generous with their samples, full of fun activities and performers, and free hayrides up a mountain.
2. Pack most of your food, but splurge on the “special treat.”  Most festivals have food vendors selling very overpriced, mediocre meals.  It’s easy to spend $20 (or more) for a family of four on crappy sandwiches and/or room temperature pizza.  We usually pack a decent picnic lunch, water bottles, and snacks, but plan to spend a little on something unique to the festival–like purchasing some maple candies at the maple syrup festival or ice cream from the aforementioned dairy farm.  That said, we still limit our portions and share (two single servings are usually more than enough for the four of us).
3. Beware impulse purchases.  You are having a great time.  The weather’s lovely!  Your children are happy and cooperative!  These nice artists are here talking about the local sources for their supplies–and suddenly $50 for a pair of earrings for Mom’s Christmas gift doesn’t sound unreasonable at all…  STOP!  Most vendors will have contact information and an online store.  You can still support them if you enjoyed their art and their story, but there is no need to make that decision RIGHT THERE.
4. Look for discounts. One of our favorite carnivals is the local firehouse carnival.  There are two or three nights they offer “Ride All Night” for one price specials.  But even better–if you buy these tickets a month or so in advance, they cost less than half what they do if you buy them at the door.  Some of the sponsors of festivals have deals through their websites or even through services like Groupon.  It doesn’t hurt to look around.
5. Beware crowds. Try to find less popular festivals.  Or go when the weather is less optimal (cold, windy days and light drizzle are still fine if you have proper outerwear and an enterprising attitude).  Or arrive really early.  Crowds usually mean long lines and whiny kids–NOT FUN.

Get out and learn about your community without much cost!  What was your favorite family festival experience?

Debt Elimination Progress: May 2018

 Originally Posted on May 1, 2018 in Free, Fun, Family

What a strange month–the weather here in Maryland was out of control, and while I felt like my spending was “crazy,” I can look at Mint and see that it was the least money we’ve spent in a single month in over two years.  This teaches me that my day to day feelings do not always reflect the reality I am living.  I’m still working on the pacing of my expectations and emotions while managing a long term goal.  Overall, this month was a great month for personal learning.

Progress from April:

• Significantly reduced food spending. This was a major win!  All the work I’ve been doing to modify our food spending, both in groceries and dining out, is paying off.  Our grocery bill has been hovering around $1,000 for several months, even as our dining out has been decreasing.  This month we spent less than $800 on groceries!  Hooray!
• I did even more math. I added up how much I’ve reduced my student loan and mortgage debt during this same period of loan payback (since the end of January).  I’ve also reduced these other non-targeted debts by $1,333.82.  That’s an impressive bolstering.
• Our debt payoff is slowing down, but we are still making progress every month.  I anticipate a modest raise in July, which will help, but our pace is going to slow down a bit for May and June as we prepare for a lengthy trip to Korea to spend time with family.  However, that means more work we do on controlling the spending, the more powerful the impact on debt reduction.  Here are the numbers for the end of April:
  • Home Improvement Loan: $4,000
  • Visa Card: $7,160.37
  • AmEx: $13,475.81
  • TOTAL: $24,636.18
  • Amount paid off this month: $727.18
  • Amount paid off TOTAL: $6,319.82

Add the reduction of non-consumer debt and we’ve torched $7,653.64 of debt in three months.  Unbelievable.  We are really making progress.  Sometimes it still just feels like a drop in the bucket, but these numbers show a 20% reduction of consumer debt in just three months.  That’s not a small achievement.

Goals for May:

1. Continue to target food costs for reduction.  Use it up!  Cheaper vegetables!  Bake bread!  Freezer cooking!
2. Save up a small cash cushion for Min to for Korean trip in June (may slow debt progress this month; acknowledge and embrace).
3. REALLY REALLY: No purchasing beverages for convenience/craving (BIG challenge).  I have to do this.  Did better in April, but did not abstain.

Budget Buster: Feelings of Inadequacy

 Originally Posted on April 26, 2018 in Free Fun Family

I’ve been doing some work on the feelings behind my impulsive spending this month.  Instead of judging myself when I slip up on my plan, I’m noticing why I spent money on something I didn’t need to spend on, how much, and how I feel about it.  I have identified a major trigger for me: feeling inadequate.

For example, I mentioned that I got a promotion recently. While I’ve trained for it and feel good about the position and am enjoying my new responsibilities, a big part of me worries that I’m not up to the task.  I am working on this feeling since all evidence is that I’m doing well in my new position and my boss and co-workers are happy with my work, but I frequently question my abilities.

This week was a big meeting of a committee essential to the partnership two institutions I work with, and I was presenting some work I’d done.  I felt nervous.  So in the last week I’ve treated myself to more fast food than I had in the last two months–to the tune of around $60.  Despite having plenty of already-prepped, healthy, delicious meals.  I felt out of control and reckless.  However, with the meeting successfully completed, I am noticing in reflection that it was an exaggerated sense of nerves surrounding my performance at the meeting.

If I really dig in, though, this performance-anxiety spending is a major trigger for me.  I worry I’m not a good enough mom, so I buy something for the kids.  I worry I’m not a good enough wife, so I buy something expensive for my husband (or say yes to something not in our budget).  I bought a lot of “grown up” clothes and shoes after accepting this promotion that I really (in retrospect) didn’t need.

I need to find a way to sit with the feelings of inadequacy long enough for the urge to spend money to pass.  I have noticed that my fitness class progress has been building my confidence, so perhaps that can be a way to combat.  I will commit to doing something physical (a walk, a dance with kids, a fitness class or workout) before spending on myself.  I think that might help me stave off the urge long enough to reconnect with my values and confidence.  Certainly it will be healthier than not doing so, even if I still end up getting the latte or french fries.

Ways We Save Money: Washing the Dishes

Originally Posted on April 24, 2018 in Free, Fun, Family

Everyone hates washing dishes.  Especially other people’s dishes.  Marriages end over dirty dishes.  However, a sink full of dirty dishes can really torpedo your efforts to save money.  How?

It’s no secret that cooking at home saves money.  I enjoy cooking, and both Min and I have improved as cooks over the years.  However, coming home after a difficult day to a sink of dishes that need to be washed before dinner can be started was killing my meal planning efforts.  Part of it was my failure to eat an afternoon snack, leaving me ravenous at 4:30 p.m. when I got home.  But even when I solved that problem, doing dishes and then cooking when my children are starved for Mommy time after I’ve been away from them all day was killing my best laid plans.  I’d let all the wonderful vegetables I’d bought to make chili or soup rot in the fridge and heat up another frozen pizza instead.  There was a period we were so stressed about dirty dishes that I would just pick up fast food on the way home.

Keeping the sink relatively free of dirty dishes and the dishwasher cleared of already clean dishes makes cooking and meal planning easier and more fun.  I make more healthy food, use up more of the food I buy, and is more sanitary and environmentally friendly.  However, this was not an easy routine to master.

Failed “Solutions”

• Ignoring the problem. Obviously this is less a strategy than a desperate method of coping by me that sometimes resulted in purchasing more utensils or cookware… Stupid!
• Disposable products. Paper plates, plastic utensils, aluminum lining for baking trays, and water bottles bought in bulk did help prevent dining out and fast food runs when we were really awful.  However, cookware was still dirty and buried under a mound of things that needed to be rinsed (scraped because they’d been left to sit) and put in the dishwasher.  Which meant we “cooked” more convenience foods.
• Blaming the other person. You have all this time being home all day.  Just do it before you leave for work in the morning.  Wash any dishes you use right after you use them and load them in the washer.  Except don’t load them in the washer like that.  I thought you already ran the washer.  I couldn’t load the dishes because you never unloaded the washer.  And on and on…  We aren’t proud of this.

What did work?

I changed my attitude.

I have learned that the only person’s behavior you can really change is your own (though certainly you can influence the behavior of others, you cannot change them).  I changed my approach to dishes.   I decided to just step up and take responsibility for the dishes in the sink.  And running the dishwasher.  And putting the dishes away.  Whenever I had time.  No matter who created the mess.  Because this was my family and the dishes were my responsibility, even if that responsibility was shared.

People say marriage is 50-50.  That’s an error.  Successful marriage is 100-100, each person all-in, giving everything they have.

This mental adjustment began when H was six months old and Min broke his leg.  It shook me out of the petty you-did-this, I-did-that score keeping of housework.  It took a few weeks for the dish-washing habit to become routine and I’m not as vigilant as my mother who won’t go to bed with a dirty dish in the sink, but in the end, it took less time to clean even a full sink of dishes than I thought it did.  I even timed myself a few times to ensure myself it only takes a few minutes to clean up.

I’m not the only one in the house that does dishes (Min does more of the cooking during the day, so he does most of the cleaning then, too), but I still take the responsibility in my head seriously.  Letting go of my entitled attitude has changed how I view this chore and has made it possible for success with planning and cooking meals.  Which saves a lot of money!

Attitude of Gratitude: My Sister in Law

 Originally Posted on April 16, 2018 in Free Fun Family

Living as an international family has some significant challenges.  The biggest challenge is that you are physically separated from very important parts of your family.  This time last year, we visited Korea for Spring Break and will visit even longer this summer.  When we visit, we stay with family.

Min has one younger brother who lives in Korea.  The brother is married to a woman who is not only an awesome wife and teacher, but a woman I consider a friend.  In-Shil is very popular with our children because she has a great sense of humor.  She likes to develop her hobbies–drawing, yoga, Crossfit (yes, they have that in Korea), English, technology, etc.–and I’m always impressed by how wonderfully welcoming and inviting she is when we visit her in her home.  She is frugal and a fine cook, but still enjoys herself and loves kids.  I think you can see why we get along so well!

Her English is a bit better than my Korean, so we often have conversations where she will speak in elementary Korean and I will respond in elementary English and we understand each other very well.  Our husbands think this is weird, but we like it.

I often wish we lived in the same city (or even the same country), because I would love to be closer with her.  I am very grateful for her patience, love, and support with my brother-in-law and mother-in-law (who lives near them), and with my husband, who doesn’t always realize how awesome she is (he does, I just think he should think she’s EVEN MORE AWESOME, because she is).   Our Korean family has had some significant challenges recently, and she has been the rock through the worst of it (and continues to be).

Some people have challenging relationships with their in-laws, but our family is blessed with a SUPERSTAR jakkun ohmma (aunt).  I cannot wait to visit her this summer!

Accepting My Imperfect Self

Originally Posted on April 13, 2018 to Free, Fun, Family

I am not good about keeping my car clean, but I’m working on it consciously.  This morning, after I pulled into the parking garage at work, I decided to get rid of some trash I’d allowed to accumulate in my car and finally bring the second half of the Costco box of Keurig coffees I’d bought to use in the office inside so I can give the cardboard to J for his projects.  I gathered up some gross, discarded tissues from the cold I’ve been fighting all week and the empty water bottle, packed the Keurigs into my lunch bag, and took the trash to the trashcan.  When I went back to get my purse (and phone and work ID and wallet…) I had locked my keys in my car.

Don't want to pass along my own insecurities to my children!

This is not the first time I’ve done this.  However, in the past, when I’ve made such a stupid mistake, especially one I will have to enlist the help of others to correct, I’ve beaten myself up more (a lot more) than just the “Well, that’s annoying,” response I had this morning.  I would be embarrassed that my car was so trashy, I’d had to work at cleaning it before going to work, that I didn’t think to grab my keys or purse before shutting the door, and especially that I had also locked the spare keys in the car (they fell under the seat) because I’d already locked my keys in the car earlier this week and hadn’t bothered to return the spare keys to the place we keep them for this kind of Diana-mistake.  However, I know that it’s important to forgive myself.

I’m still a touch embarrassed (even typing this all out and posting it has me a bit flushed), but I took care of it (thank you, Grandma, for your compulsive AAA-getting for your children), and in the grand scheme of the world, it’s not a big deal.  It was even a beautiful day outside, and I squeezed in extra exercise running back and forth a few times between my office and the parking garage.  I practiced deep breathing and focused on the positive as I returned to work.

I’ve discovered a weird paradox about accomplishing goals and improving habits to improve my life: Self acceptance is critical to achieving self improvement goals.

With self-improvement, you are attempting to improve yourself because there is something about yourself you want to change.  However, I’ve learned the hard way that until you accept yourself as you are now, the cycle of beating yourself up will prevent any real change.

I did NOT beat myself up about being stupid for locking my keys in my car…  so then I did not justify buying myself an unhealthy lunch out to cope with my stress… so then I did not justify changing my afternoon plans to walk outside and write to join friends at happy hour because I’d had a stressful day… etc. etc.

I am still working on this.  Some days I backslide, but it doesn’t help to beat myself up about a poor spending (or eating) choice.  I take a deep breath, focus on the positive, accept my flaws, and work on making better choices in the future.

 

Family Fun Tip: Hiking!

 Originally Posted on April 10, 2018 in Free, Fun, Family

Last weekend, we took our first family hike of 2018.  It was later for us to do this than usual, but we’ve taken to doing more family walks around the neighborhood and city parks this year, so I don’t mind.  However, hiking is always one of our favorite forms of entertainment.

My first date with Min was a hike almost exactly 10 years ago (this May).  We climbed a mountain, talked about spiritual beliefs vs. religion, put our bare feet in a mountain stream, stopped to smell the flowers, ate and napped at a mountainside family restaurant, and fell in love (well maybe not on the first date…).  Hiking has been a routine part of our relationship ever since.  We both love the woods and climbing mountains.

When we became parents, we found it challenging to hike as often as we had before.  When the kids were very little, we could strap them in baby carriers and haul them with us, but there is a challenging time between 18 months and 3-4 years old where a kid is a bit large to carry everywhere (and can reasonably walk on their own), but cannot sustain lengthy hikes with much elevation.

Cunningham Falls is one of our favorite local hikes.

Eventually, we found which trails were well-suited to younger hikers (terrain with minimal elevation changes in the 0.75-2.5 mile range), and built up a list of reliable trails in our area.  Most national, state, and local parks have excellent resources online and in the nature/visitor center.  I highly recommend doing the planning/research needed because hiking is one of the greatest forms of family engagement for very low costs.

Young children adore nature.

Sometimes they love it so much you don’t get very far on your planned hike if your two year old wants to touch every leaf and climb every rock (see right).  Nature brings out the best in children–the innocence and wonder and joy.  We see them become mini-explorers, scientists, conservationists, researchers, botanists… everything.

Baby "king of the rocks."

But children also can be temperamental, over-sensitive hiking companions.  You have to plan ahead but be willing to go with the flow.  And you have to be confident in your own physical and emotional skills (carrying a squirming, crying 40-ish pound child for 1/2 mile over rocks and tree roots while everyone else looks at you like you are the worst parent ever might happen to you, too).  Here are some tips to make hiking as a family work out a little better:

1. Bring enough water for everyone. I recommend at least one full water bottle per person.
2. Bring snacks with carbs and protein. Our favorite cheap hiking snacks are fresh fruit (if we’re hiking along the Appalachian Trail, we bring extra fresh fruit for thru-hikers if we encounter them), nuts, dark chocolate, and string cheese sticks.  Everyone is always hungrier in the mountains.
3. Bring the child carrier.  Trust me.  Shove it into the bottom of your backpack if you want to encourage your toddler to walk more, but you will always wish you’d brought it if your children are under 5.
4. Dress in layers and proper foot gear. The mountains are cooler than surrounding areas, but you’ll warm up as you hike.  This is not just for the kids–your own comfort is important, too!
5. Be willing to turn around if your kids are just not having it. Our son wasn’t into the hike we took this weekend, but ended up having a great time exploring the nearby lake with Min while my daughter and I forged ahead.  It’s ok.

I also do a bit more research online before embarking on an unfamiliar trail than I did when I was hiking as an adult.  Blogs and trail guides make this very easy these days.  For example, the Cunningham Falls State Park website helped us decide which trail to try when we went there for the first time, years ago.  Get out there and enjoy the woods!

Ways We Save Money: the YMCA

 Originally Posted on April 5, 2018 on Free, Fun, Family

Our family membership to the local YMCA is our biggest entertainment expenditure, but it also offers us so much value for that money.  We have a household membership that covers all four members of our household, but the cost would not increase if we had more children/household members.  However, we save money on this membership in the following ways:

1. I work for the local school district, so we have a 10% employee discount on the monthly fee.
2. We joined in a month with free registration (twice a year they waive the signup fee).
3. Every month we fill out “Frequent Y-er” cards that get entered in a drawing for a free membership.
4. When we travel for a month or more, we suspend our membership during the time we are gone.

Additionally, the YMCA offers reductions in rates for individuals with low incomes and reciprocity agreements with other YMCAs throughout our state and around the nation.  It’s pretty awesome.  Here are some ways we use and have used the Y with no additional costs:

1. Free, up to two hours per day, childcare for children age 6 weeks+ while adults use the facility.  H refers to it as her “school,” and she gets the benefit of socializing with other children and following the directions of other adults without additional preschool costs, while Min works out or relaxes.
2. Tons of awesome group exercise classes.  I’ve become addicted to BANG (a dance fitness class), but also regularly participate in BodyPump and Insanity/CORE classes.  I irregularly participate in Yoga, PiYo, and Zumba, but would do them more often if the times worked with my schedule.
3. Two personal training sessions and a personal training software system, ActivTrax, which helps navigate strength exercise training.
4. Two year-round pools with lots of times for “Open Rec,” which is often a great way to get the kids to expend lots of energy on a day with too much rain or too hot for outdoor play.
5. An indoor track and open gym times for us to play with the kids and encourage their physical education.
6. Reserving racquetball courts for indoor soccer sessions (this is a Min specialty).
7. Socializing (most of our close friendships with local families began at the Y).
8. Great shower facilities for men, women, and children, including family changing/shower rooms for the pool.
9. Outdoor playground equipment for the preschool/daycare, but open for Y members to use.
10. Weekly farmer’s market on the premises (seasonal).

We have also paid modest, member-priced fees to participate in additional programs/services at the Y, including:

1. J’s martial arts classes.
2. Swimming lessons for J and H.
3. Drop-in preschool “open gym” for J and H, when they were each the right ages for this. (I think this is $2-3 for a 2 hour, staff-supervised session with gymnastics equipment).
4. J attended a half-day 3 day/week preschool through the Y when he was three years old.  We won’t do this for H because as a younger sibling, she doesn’t need as much structured exposure to peers before school begins.
5. I pay $35/year for a kit locker that allows me to leave some of my belongings in a locker overnight.  This is a lifesaver for me since before work is the most convenient exercise time for me, so I leave my shower supplies at the Y.
6. Other Y-sponsored fundraising events including an annual magic show and a great trail 5K/10K run.

It is not an exaggeration to say that we, as a family, average 20-30 hours/week at the YMCA (not always all together, but sometimes).  As H grows, she seems very interested in dance and gymnastics, so it seems likely our commitment to the Y will expand at that time.

Many personal finance bloggers view a gym membership as a monthly expense to cut, but I believe our membership actually saves us money on entertainment and children’s supplemental activities.  I’m sure it also indirectly saves our health expenses, mental health expenses (for a stay at home parent, especially), and water bill.  I also think that my increased focus on health (which included upping the hours spent working out at the Y) and weight loss contributed to my success and promotion at work.  I view this membership as an investment in our family health and happiness–and we really use it well!

Stress Will Not Wreck My Plan!

 Originally Posted on April 4, 2018 in Free Fun Family

Let’s talk about a recipe for disaster that has waylaid many of my best intentions to stay committed to goals (financial, health, personal): STRESS!

I don’t mean the “good” stress of a challenging deadline for an exciting project.  Or the preparations for a positively anticipated event.  I mean the life-sucking stress: external pressure from a variety of sources that have a significant, negative, emotional component to them.  Usually it is the emotional component that makes me weaken my resolve.

School projects: A constant source of family stress!

This past weekend had a lot of potential stresses for me:

Holiday weekend (pressure to “make it special”) + big school project coming due for J (anticipating both lots of help in managing his focus through a challenge and that pressure of being “judged” as a mom) + family of origin commitments (and the button-pressing that only can come from family) + several big house projects beginning (exciting, but overwhelming and require spending some money when I don’t want to spend any) = STRESS

In the past, stress would become an excuse to self-destruct.

When I was trying to lose weight, a fight with my mom became an excuse to blow my meal plan and order pizza.  When I was trying to establish a fitness routine, my children coming down with colds that caused me to miss one planned gym session was enough to keep me out of the gym for another three months.  One unexpected bill blew up my entire budget, so I would throw the budget out with the bathwater (so to speak) and buy sushi for three meals.

This never helped me feel any better about my stress or my ability to accomplish goals.  Here is what I learned from my weight loss journey (~50lbs lost over three years in a healthy way that I have maintained for about 6 months now) that ultimately helped me manage stress without abandoning my goals, and how I can apply them to my current debt-reduction goals:

1. Stress is inevitable. Notice it and learn from it. DO NOT JUDGE.  It will happen.  You have to make a plan for how you will cope with it when it happens.  Your plan for coping should be based on observing how you react to stress and how that relates to your goals.  So in the beginning, don’t beat yourself up if you spent more money at the grocery store than you meant to.  Notice it.  Why did it happen? For example, I shopped with my daughter when she was too tired to be in the store, so I made several impulse purchases I would not have made.  Plan: go earlier or after her nap or sans children.
2. You can plan for stress. Take care of your needs when entering stressful times/situations. If you know a usually-stressful event will happen, do self-care in advance.  To prepare for J’s project this week, we have been talking about the steps needed to accomplish the project and “previewing” the work before even starting.  To prepare for my family interactions, I did a couple extra gym classes over the weekend and read a book just for me.
3. Take a step back and look at the whole picture.  See the good.  Generally, stress triggers the flight-or-fight, short-term thinking that is the opposite of your well-planned, long-term goals.  Try to look at the situation that is causing you stress through the lens of your bigger picture goals.  For example, the $60 Min spent on gardening supplies will be a valuable, entertaining, educational family project and possibly net us some vegetables in summer/fall that will reduce some of our grocery costs.  It is in line with our core values, and he was very careful about the money he spent on the supplies.  I can choose to see the good in this spending and the care he made, rather than seeing the immediate conflict with our plan to get out of debt and cut unnecessary spending.

I did ok this weekend.  I did overspend on groceries, but I didn’t let that kill my whole budget.  I went to the gym, but I did spend too much time playing a video game (not calming, addictive) at night rather than reading (calming, educational).  I am developing strategies to manage stress that don’t involve spending money or unhealthy eating.

I can and will do this.  Stress is not an excuse to spend!

Debt Elimination Progress: March 2018

Originally Posted on April 1, 2018 to Free, Fun, Family

Happy Easter and April Fool’s Day!  March was a month for adjusting our expectations–and our spending level.  Min and I had some very honest conversations about finances (both our birthdays are in March, and we used it as a chance to reflect).  I have been working on being more accountable to myself.  However, several major life events are putting some external pressure on our family, making it hard to feel in control.  I’ve discovered that feeling in control and capable is key in making any progress on our financial goals.

Progress from March:

• We got spending (mostly) under control. Although there were still a few emotional purchases and unnecessary spending, we kept total spending for March under budget/earnings.  We have a plan for April (which will be tighter than March because an income stream, albeit a small one, is ending; however, it should reduce spending in some areas).
• I noticed my emotional impulses related to money. When I feel overwhelmed and like I’ll never succeed, I have the impulse to give up and just buy whatever I want.  I found some healthy strategies that help keep me from spending money were increasing exercise, plan for cooking something new, and (strangely) making a small contribution to my emergency fund (I put $20 in $5 or $10 increments this month–it was strangely soothing).  However, I did give in a few times, to the tune of about $150 of unnecessary, impulse spending, mostly on crappy food.  Double whammy.  Working on this.  Seeing how much it adds up helps.
• I did more math. I calculated that my consumer debt is costing me about $7/day.  Ew!  That’s worse than a latte/day habit!  Whenever I’m tempted to spend a dollar or two, I remind myself I’m already wasting that much EVERY DAY I’m in debt.  Until I’m out of debt, I’ve already spent that “indulgence.”
• I noticed that I feel like I’m not making as much progress as I’m making.  I started a spreadsheet to keep track of my total progress in the second half of the month.  It has been soothing when I get frustrated and feel like I’m not making progress.  Also, starting this blog has given me a lot of motivation to write and save!  So here’s the status for the end of March:
  • Home Improvement Loan: $4,500
  • Visa Card: $7,263.36
  • AmEx: $13,600
  • TOTAL: $25,363.36
  • Amount paid off this month: $1,483.64
  • Amount paid off TOTAL: $5,592.64

Again, the real, tangible progress reflected in the monthly calculations helps ground me.  Almost $1,500 is kicking butt!  I won’t be able to hit that in April (I’ve already done the calculations), but it might be a good reach goal for future months!  However, looking at the running total feels super impressive–over $5,000 paid off already–gone FOREVER!

Goals for April:

1. Use up food in the pantry and sub in cheaper ingredients.
2. Plan meals and cook at home–no more restaurants!
3. No drinks but water and coffee made at home (BIG challenge).

 

Children Reflect Your Lived Values

 Originally Posted on March 29, 2018 to Free, Fun, Family

Last night just before bed, my daughter found a baby doll she had “lost” in one of her fake-purse-snack-bags.  She was delighted.  She cuddled and cooed at the baby, changed its diaper before letting me change her diaper, kissed and cuddled it when it “cried,” read it a book, and then nursed it to sleep.  This is almost exactly the way I put her to bed (yes, even at almost three, we bedshare and comfort nurse).  I was warmed in my heart.

Earlier in the evening, my son offered very specific advice about a particular mobile phone puzzle game I’ve been addicted to lately.  I marveled at his creativity in game design. However, I recoiled with the horrifying shock that I’ve spent so much time distracting myself with this game in his presence, he felt he should talk to me about the game to connect with me.  I have made a mental note to stop playing this game for a few weeks to detox from the seductive, numbing distraction I’ve allowed it to become.  I was sad he absorbed such a thoughtless message from my bad habit.

Parenting offers the most powerful mirror I have ever experienced.

Not because children are mini-versions of you, but because they are so hungry for a deep, connected relationship with parents that they notice every tick, every quirk, every comment, every interest, and every habit.  They use that information, processed through their lens and unformed brains, to shape the reactions they want from their parents in whatever ways they can.

Whenever I find myself irritated with the behavior of one of my children, it is easy to blame them or their stage of development.  However, the more awareness I bring to the behavior, the more empathy and deep thought, the more I recognize that the behavior is often a reaction to a poor behavior of my own.

I am constantly working in my parenting practice to bring awareness, presence, and empathy to my interactions with my children and my husband.  However, I’ve also started to realize that it’s not just about being a selfless doormat; it’s about self-improvement and modeling the life and values you want your children to live.

The great thing is that if I listen–really listen–to my children, they will show me where I need the most work.  But they will also show me where I shine.

The Allowance Experiment

Originally Posted on March 28, 2018 in Free, Fun, Family

My son has become very interested in money lately.  Part of it is that he’s learning coins in school (and applying his “count by 5s” skills to nickels).  However, I also remember having a fascination with coins and money and saving/earning when I was young that led me to an interest in personal finance now that I’m grown.  Many young people are natural entrepreneurs, and I like to encourage his interests, but money is a challenging topic for parents.  Especially if, like me, you are still learning yourself!

I’ve read some books and articles that address how/when to do allowances with kids.  Mostly there are two themes: 1) Pay kids for chores or 2) Pay an allowance as a member of the family.  There are lots of arguments about why one pay structure is superior to the other for teaching the value of money and compensation for work.  Some systems actually suggest both (standard pay and then extra for contributions above and beyond).

Trouble is, I’ve never been one for elaborate systems.  We never did sticker charts for potty training.  As a teacher, I found discipline/reward systems too distracting and complex to make work for me in the classroom.  I come from a family of origin where chore lists were made and then promptly ignored.  I don’t want to set up my own children with some system, and then have to change all the rules on them because I forgot what I was doing or how to keep it up.

What to do?  The system I’m using with J rose organically out of a conversation we had over his homework.

J: Mommy, will you pay me money?

Me:  What will you do to earn the money?

J: I don’t know.  What can I do?

Me: Well, what do you want to use the money for?

J: I think I want to save the money.  [a pause] And help you pay your debt.

Me: [smiling–they hear everything, don’t they?] Paying off the debt is our responsibility–your father’s and mine. You don’t have to worry about that.  But saving is a good idea.  You have a savings account at the bank.

J: I do?

Me: Yes. When you were little, sometimes friends and family gave money for you to save. For college and other things you might need when you grow up. Do you want to earn money to save for those things?

J: That’s good.

Me: What are your responsibilities?

J: [thinking] Helping my family. Being nice to my sister.

Me: What about school?

J: My homework and cleaning my lunchbox.

Me: And Appa [Korean for Dad] likes you to practice your piano every day.

J: Yes.

Me: How about we try this: If you meet your responsibilities without Appa and I nagging you or asking you to do them lots of times, you can earn money?

We came up with a list.  J can earn a quarter each for:

1. Completing all his homework independently, with sincere effort.
2. The “10-minute clean-up” (We set a timer for 10 minutes and he organizes/cleans for that time, starting in common areas and finishing in his bedroom).
3. Practicing piano for 15 minutes.

The results so far have been pretty great.  I have to fight with him less to get started on the homework, the house is cleaner because he takes the job more seriously with the timer and money on the line, and he’s progressing in piano.  I like money as a reward more than screen time, since he doesn’t really want to do much more than count and collect it at the moment.  Plus he’s been trying to think of other ways to be responsible that could earn him money.  (Proposed: Pay me to eat my vegetables?  Rejected.  Proposed: Pay me to put away all my clean clothes?  Considered–but you would have to also match all the socks and hang up the school uniform pieces. Proposed: Pay me to help shovel snow?  Accepted, etc.)  He’s earned about $4 a week since we started a few weeks ago.  That’s in line with the approximate recommendations for $1/year of age/week.

Some people are concerned that children who are paid for meeting their obligations won’t value the obligations they have if they are not paid.  That’s fair, but would you keep working at your job if they stopped paying you?  I see that concern, but I also believe you have to know your kid.  J is rules and order oriented.  He likes structure, clarity, and fairness.  He understands that he has to do his chores anyway; this helps him connect family responsibilities to privileges.