Reflections about health on an unexpected day of weather cancellations

This morning, our area had some ice and rain storms with freezing temperatures overnight. Although the situation in our neighborhood is not bad at all, the North part of the county must have been terrible because they cancelled school. With offices on a two hour delay, I find myself with the gift of a bit of writing time on this last day of work before the winter break.

Getting the day off school was great for my kids, as both have been dragging themselves through various illnesses throughout most of the month. I think my oldest has attended a total of 2 days in December. Multiple doctor's office trips and Covid tests and no definitive diagnosis, but a collection of symptoms that could be from one of so many different viruses floating around this holiday season, wreaking havoc everywhere. The youngest has been feverish and complaining of ear pain this week, but the doctor's trip did not show infection--just fluid in the ears. They both need the day to fully rest instead of forcing themselves to gather all the work they've missed and check in with teachers before the official start of winter break tomorrow.

Coping with sick children is very stressful. I am extremely grateful that I have the resources in my life--both financial and social--to help manage all the challenges that come with caring for a sick child. I'm also grateful that so far, the illnesses have been mild and routine (colds, viruses, etc.). Right now, there are many parents who are coping with sick children without adequate health insurance or who cannot pay for the medications or equipment that help alleviate symptoms. There are parents with jobs that will punish them for taking time off to care for children and schools that are unsympathetic to the challenges of this season. I can't help but think about how our society could make things better and easier for all children, yet we choose to let them struggle instead.

I'm reading The Myth of Normal by Dr. Gabor Maté (written with his son, Daniel), which identifies some of the ways in which the systemic failures of our society to prevent childhood suffering contributes to the numerous health crises that have arisen in the past century. I'm not sure I agree with all of his arguments and writing, but it is an important critique of the way the field of medicine alone is inadequate to address illness and healing. This makes me very aware of the ways our society fails children and how that impacts generations of suffering.

I am also trying to address what this means for my own health journey. Becoming a caregiver to my aging mother has had a profound impact on the ways I view my own childhood, the formation of my self, and how I understand human relationships. Dr. Maté would urge me to lean into these learnings and find ways to connect my healing needs with addressing the complexities of health and social-familial environment. I'm not really sure how to turn that journey into a "resolution" yet, but I would like to prioritize healing and health as I move into the new year.

Not just for me, but for my family and community.

I will continue to reflect. In the meantime, I will enjoy this slow start to my morning, this opportunity for rest and reflection in the coming holiday, and what it might mean about my priorities in life.

Raising Readers

I love reading. I've always known that I wanted to raise my children to be readers. It's a great frugal form of entertainment, and the most critical skill for success in school. In my career as a high school English teacher, I have helped convert hundreds of reluctant, phone-addicted high schoolers into teens who voluntarily read novels. I've convinced students that Will Shakespeare was a pretty cool dude. Yet, when it came to my own children, I was afraid I wouldn't be able to equip them to view reading in the way that Harper Lee once described in To Kill a Mockingbird:

"Until I feared I would lose it, I never loved to read. One does not love breathing."

In the library, pre-Covid; still one of our favorite places to hang out!

Luckily, I need not have feared. My son just finished a five book series of 500+ page novels he received as a Christmas present and my daughter is making her way through several different series. Their most recent test scores from school peg their reading levels at 3+ grades above their actual grades. They are readers! Helping my kids become readers was easier and more enjoyable than I could have possibly imagined. I come from an education background, so of course I advocate that families read to children early and often and model literacy. Turns out, that actually works!

Lazy summer deck reading.

As a parent (who feels like she's making it all up as she goes along...), I've also discovered that reading to your kids stops meltdowns in their tracks and provides instant family bonding.  Here are some specific ways to develop young children's literacy:

1. Make the time. Before I had kids, I was understanding about how hard it was as a parent to make time for reading. After all, I love reading, and I don't always make the time to do it. Parents are even busier, right? Y'all--I timed it. Reading one of those little board books takes less than five (yes, FIVE) minutes. And often it's the five minutes during which my child is most cooperative, loving, and attentive. No one screams. Everyone cuddles. Five minutes. It's better than meditation--no lie. How do you not make time for that every, single day? If I hadn't read to my kids, none of us would have made it past age two.  My worst nightmare is a bedtime without books. *shudder*

2. Make books accessible.*  Studies show that being surrounded by books in childhood promotes literacy.  We own a lot of children's books (way more than adult books, thanks to my decluttering efforts). Most of them were gifts or hand-me-downs, but books are the main "toys" we have purchased for our children. However, you don't have to own books to surround your children with books.  Our local library lets patrons check out unlimited items, doesn't charge fines, and allows you to renew materials online. We usually have at least 60 books checked out at any one time--and only like 3-5 of them are for the adults. You can also buy used books or source them through Buy Nothing and Freecycle.

3. Make it a habit. Every time my kids beg for "one more poem" or to be allowed to choose one more picture book or read one more chapter in our novels, I feel like I've won the gold medal of parenting. However, that joy comes from many, many times of being willing to read the same book over again, or pause and read whenever one of my children asks. We treat nagging for books different than just about every other kind of nagging--we indulge it.

4. Give kids choice and agency. Sometimes, I get lucky and my kids are interested in the books I enjoy reading, and we'll have great fun with the works of Roald Dahl, Narnia, and Mossflower. Other times, they want to read endless, technically-oriented volumes about Pokemon (J) or the terribly-written picture book re-telling of Disney princess movies (H).  When the kids are interested in something (be it Kung-fu Panda, or space, or unicorns), we ask the librarians if there are any books about that topic and use Goodreads to find similar recommendations.

5. Model reading books. I think many adults read more on screens (Kindle, smartphones, etc.) than they did just a few years ago.  However, children don't know whether you are reading on your tablet or watching a video.  Be intentional about modeling your reading to your children. Min had to get some Korean books so that the kids could see him reading on paper, not just on the screen.

Snuggly winter couch reading.

Some other tips? Teach letters and sounds, but not to the point that you are sacrificing story and fluency. Readers read content, not phonics.  Don't freak out if your kid who loves listening to you read doesn't transition to reading independence right away. It will happen eventually. The boy who just tore through those 500+ page books didn't read anything but Dog Man independently well through second grade.

* Not every family can afford books. I encourage using the library to fill in the gaps, but that's not always enough.  While compiling this post, I did some research into charities that provide books to kids. I elected to make a donation to Reach Out and Read, an highly rated organization that encourages literacy by integrating books into pediatric care.

We also donate monthly to our local library. We get way more value from it than we do from any streaming media service.

Any other tips from parents out there? How do you foster a love of reading for your children at any age?

Appreciation for the Calm

Starting 2022 amidst the most widespread outbreak of a 2+ year pandemic has ironically led to a slowing down and calm pace for my life. We've been lucky enough to avoid infection thus far, so now that the rates of Covid transmission and hospitalizations are higher than they've ever been, we've elected to reduce the number of activities we are engaging in at present as a mitigation strategy. The kids are still going to school and taekwondo (masked, thankfully), Min is doing whatever shopping we need, and I am going in person to work most days of the week and taking my Mom to doctor's appointments, but we've mostly curtailed other activities. Even though there is no government mandate to refrain, we find it prudent at this time.

Water always makes me feel peaceful. This is the Monocacy River near our home.

For me, this means no gym classes, no dining out, and no gatherings indoors. What's strange this time is that it seems as though very few other people are limiting some of their activities, despite the fact that our hospital is operating in crisis mode and our school staffs are dealing with absentee rates so high that we are discussing possible short-term contingency plans for in-person instruction. The local college I work with has already decided to stay fully remote with virtual instruction through February 6. There's no guidance to help the public in how to navigate what's happening now, and the CDC Director was describing it as "encouraging" that people like me with immune suppression and diabetes are the people that are dying from this round of infection. I digress...

The kids decided to prepare us breakfast for our anniversary (12 years--WOW). It was quite sweet.

Far from feeling deprived and adrift as I did in the early weeks of March and April 2020, I feel an ease of slipping back into the routines and joys we discovered when the whole world shut down. I find myself grateful for the beautiful nature in our neighborhood on my walks, for the free yoga challenge online, for a wonderful dance instructor still having Sunday Zoom workouts, for more time to play board games with my kids and cook healthy meals. I have enjoyed more time to rest and read, dig into my grad classes, write in this blog.

My little snow bunny.

I feel a kind of contented ease that I don't really recall enjoying in the past. Perhaps, I have just become more comfortable with existing in the present moment and enjoying the company of my family. Maybe I like the excuse to ruthlessly cut nonessentials from my life. Or maybe it was the first huge snowstorm of the year which always makes the world look brand new. Whatever it is, I like it. I'm going to try to cultivate this essentialist approach to my time and enjoyment.

Here's a little hope into the world that we can stay healthy and joyful, even if the world feels like it's conspiring to keep us from those things.

Random Reflections as 2021 Closes

We have come to the last day of a very stressful year--which, coincidentally was the first year of my 40s and another year of very strange world events--from an ongoing pandemic to political shenanigans to climate crises to the dehumanization from the patriarchy, white supremacy, global capitalism, and other injustice. There is much from this year that leaves me sad, anxious, and helpless. I try to focus on the positives--vaccines and books, for example. But I will admit that 2021 on a broad scale leaves even silver-lining optimist Diana feeling a bit stretched to come up with much to say about the positive.

Super grateful for my wonderful family.

On a personal scale, I can find a lot more victories and joys. Here are a few:

Financial: Thanks to the largesse of the US government stimulus money, I finally paid off all my credit card debt. In a further debt victory, the rules for Public Service Loan Forgiveness were changed such that it looks like I will be eligible for full forgiveness of my undergraduate and master's degree loans in full. This has enabled us to increase our charitable giving & direct aid to family/friends, contribute more to retirement funds, and spend without worrying on the things we value. Life without crushing debt really changes your outlook. I also found Die With Zero and I Will Teach You to be Rich to be helpful books for this new stage of my financial journey.

Relationships: It was my first full year thinking of myself as a "caregiver" to my mother whose stroke in August 2020 has left her more dependent on others for help. I am proud and grateful at the amount of care I've been able to provide for her. This shift in our relationship has enabled me to reflect on what is most important and let go of more small slights. I feel solidly like a middle age adult, and I think this identity has a lot to do with it. I have rekindled a friendship with my sister who has helped with the caregiving and let go of the relationship with my brother that has always been toxic and strained.

Bringing Mom on vacation to the beach was a major 2021 highlight!

I also deepened my friendships with the women in my book club and their families (all of whom are mixed race, with one Asian, one white parent, such that our children all look more like each other than we do). These friends have become my go-to people. I am so grateful for this group we have built where I feel accepted and built a close community for my biracial children. have also become closer to a few work colleagues, parents of my kids' friends, dance friends, and neighbors this year.

Although I let my blog Free, Fun, Family lapse and haven't been writing as much, I feel connected to several online communities through Twitter, which is now my only social media besides Goodreads. I do hope to reconnect at in-person events with them in the future.

Professional: I am now through two full semesters of work on my Ed.D. program in Educational Leadership--and I love it! It's got me thinking and trying things in different ways that have already resulted in some pretty awesome collaborations and projects at work. It's also been a great outlet for managing, processing, and reflecting on the trauma of these last few years. I find myself re-inspired for educational work in a time of incredible challenge and difficulty in this profession. Although it can be very stressful at times, I'm so glad I decided to pursue this program at this time. I am also becoming close with a number of people in my cohort.

Bringing dually enrolled English Learner students on a tour of campus--many are first gen!!!

Reading: Thanks in part to my daughter's embrace of The Magic Treehouse series towards the end of they year, I made it to my goal of over 100 books in 2021 (as of right now, I'm at 111 and will probably finish at least one more book today). One of my goals was to increase my usual rate of 20-25% books by writers of color, and 43 of those books (38%) were by BIPOC authors. In reviewing my read shelf, I see that most of my books for grad school and my kids' read-alouds were not very diverse. I can't do much about the required reading for grad school (except continuing to advocate for different authors & choosing diverse authors when given a choice), but I think I need to be more intentional about getting my kids books by writers of color. Especially now that they are both independent readers.

So overall, a year of growth and development. Much to celebrate!

Of course, what I am most grateful for and proud of is the growth and closeness of my family. This year's struggles have resulted in a closeness and joy. I can't wait to see what 2022 brings for us!

Harper's Ferry visit with my Uncle Tom!

I've been less pleased with my year in terms of health (I gained weight with how stressful this year has been), minimalism/anti-consumerism, and writing (other than school, I didn't do much this fall). As such, these are the three areas I am focusing on for 2022 "goals."

Goals for 2022:

1. Lose the 20lbs I gained in a healthy way (whole foods, less dining out, more movement, smaller eating window/semi-IF). I'm not really all about the weight anymore & care way more about health, but I know that this weight impacts my diabetes control and makes dancing & hiking a bit harder.

2. Avoid Amazon (which we *still* use far too often), minimize Walmart, more food that's local, & declutter--for realsies.

3. Publish once a week in this blog. Sometimes it's gonna be short, sometimes long. But I have to build my writing muscle again, and I enjoy blogging here. It feels low stakes. Please hold me accountable.

Thank you for reading my thoughts, as always. I hope you are well as the year closes. Do you have any reflections or goals for this year? I'd love to hear them.

FINAL Debt Elimination Update: April 2021

Some major things happened in April 2021, yet the month really felt like it just FLEW by.

April is really the month for flowers.

First, my husband is now fully vaccinated, and the kids have returned to school and one activity each in person (H 4 days/week + gymnastics and J 2 days/week + taekwondo). They have missed it so much. While I am still nervous about their unvaccinated status, transmission rates are low and mask/mitigation measures compliance high in my state, which makes the return less risky. The Covid pandemic is by no means over, but life feels a bit more full and less "on hold" than it did at the start of this year. I am very grateful for this progress in our lives. I am trying to let go of the anger I feel for the disgusting misprioritization of resources that made in person schooling unsafe for so much longer than it needed to be.

Second, I have been admitted into Frostburg University's doctoral program in Educational Leadership. I am very excited to begin this three year program, but a little nervous about the intensity. I feel very lucky to have the support of my family, friends, and coworkers as I begin this process. Classes begin in June. Financially, this changes some of my thinking around my student loans. I will be enrolled half time, so my student loans will go into deferment again. Most are subsidized, so they will not accumulate interest, and I will not have to make payments for three years. Additionally, while my employer has a very generous tuition payment benefit for this degree, I will be responsible for about $15,000 in tuition, books, and other expenses. This is more money than I have saved so far for this doctorate, so I am considering taking a Direct Loan for a portion of this expense. I will write more about this decision if/when I get there--for now my summer and fall tuition will be completely covered, so I have some time to think about it. I just feel differently about finishing paying off my student loans now that I'm going back to school.

Happy to head back to school in-person, not so happy to be photographed.

Finally, we have paid off the last of the credit card debt!  WOWOWOWOWOW! Just a little over three years since we looked at that number larger than $30K and almost cried, it's GONE. I wrote about it every month. Sometimes it felt like we made almost no progress, sometimes we got lucky and made huge forward progress all at once. Boy, does it feel really good. NEVER AGAIN!

Since I no longer have ANY credit card debt and am not aggressively paying off student loans, I will not be doing a monthly Debt Elimination Update; instead I will shift to a financial update. I like the accountability of writing it out, & still believe sharing about finances (a normally taboo subject) demystifies the process for others. I hope you will enjoy reading our efforts to save money for different goals!

Financial progress from April:

• Mortgage Escrow Refund Check and Leave Cash Out. April featured two "windfalls" that enabled us to finish paying off our remaining credit card debt and buy two things that we really value this month (see next bullet). We got the refund from our previous mortgage escrow, and I was able to use my annual leave cashing employer benefit to get paid out for 8 unused vacation days. The next few months will be weird since we've had so many windfalls in this first part of they year. It will feel like progress is slowing, when really, it's just back to normal.
• Paid upfront a late summer vacation rental & clothing. My mother had a stroke in August 2020 and her recovery has been challenging. We decided to rent a small house near one of her favorite beach destinations over Labor Day weekend for our family, my Mom, and my sister's family to celebrate a) her anniversary of recovery and b) our parents' wedding anniversary (It would have been 52 years!). It was so exciting to be able to pay for us to celebrate still being here. I also bought myself three dresses to make me feel better about going back to work. I love them!
• Closed more credit cards & set up a default cashback optimization system. We now have a simplified system and can maximize our card cashback benefits. Of course, my credit score is now in the over-800s club, so that's cool.
• Debt Progress: Here are the numbers for the end of April:
  • Balance Transfer 3 (0% through August 2021):  $0 CELEBRATE--ALL CC DEBT DONE!
  • Grad School 1 (5.5%): $1,463.01
  • Grad School 2 (5.5%): $3,884.93
    TOTAL Remaining: $5,347.94
    Amount paid off this month: $3,083.25
    Amount paid off TOTAL: $38,907.84

From now on, I will be tracking overall debt reduction (mortgage and student loans), retirement and giving contributions, and other stuff. I don't quite know how I want to visualize it, but I know I do better when I'm tracking.

Thanks for sharing this journey with me! It's been wild. Onto new things!

Family Fun Tip: Festivals

Originally Posted on May 4, 2018 in Free, Fun, Family

Spring has finally sprung here in Maryland.  In our delightful small city, family-friendly festivals are held year-round.  However the pleasant-weather months of Spring, Summer, and Fall are the heaviest seasons for festivals, since they are usually outdoors.

Every year, our family attends between five and twenty-five festivals or similar events within close driving distance.  We’ve been to farm festivals, history festivals, nature festivals, children’s festivals, Asian/Korean/other culture festivals, holiday-themed festivals (think Fourth of July or Halloween), wine/cheese/maple syrup festivals, and more.  We spend time researching different events in our area and challenge ourselves to find new ones, even as we reprise visiting our favorites.

Such events can be quite expensive, with many opportunities to spend money on food, clothing/gift items, and activities, so it pays to do some work to keep costs down and maximize the fun without a lot of spending.  Here are my tips for maximizing your frugal enjoyment of these festivals:

1. Look for festivals with no or very low entry fees, and watch for hidden fees.  And watch out for “free” entry, but then everything associated with the event costs money (parking fees, tickets to purchase for activities, extra money for tastings, etc.).  Most of the festivals we frequent are free with free parking, but we’ll pay a bit if it offers a lot of entertainment value for our whole family.  I find that festivals sponsored by nonprofit entities (health agencies, parks and rec, churches, libraries, etc.) tend to be better about this than private organizations, but not always.  One of my favorite festivals for our young children is the spring/fall festival at a local commercial dairy farm (where the goat picture came from).  They are very generous with their samples, full of fun activities and performers, and free hayrides up a mountain.
2. Pack most of your food, but splurge on the “special treat.”  Most festivals have food vendors selling very overpriced, mediocre meals.  It’s easy to spend $20 (or more) for a family of four on crappy sandwiches and/or room temperature pizza.  We usually pack a decent picnic lunch, water bottles, and snacks, but plan to spend a little on something unique to the festival–like purchasing some maple candies at the maple syrup festival or ice cream from the aforementioned dairy farm.  That said, we still limit our portions and share (two single servings are usually more than enough for the four of us).
3. Beware impulse purchases.  You are having a great time.  The weather’s lovely!  Your children are happy and cooperative!  These nice artists are here talking about the local sources for their supplies–and suddenly $50 for a pair of earrings for Mom’s Christmas gift doesn’t sound unreasonable at all…  STOP!  Most vendors will have contact information and an online store.  You can still support them if you enjoyed their art and their story, but there is no need to make that decision RIGHT THERE.
4. Look for discounts. One of our favorite carnivals is the local firehouse carnival.  There are two or three nights they offer “Ride All Night” for one price specials.  But even better–if you buy these tickets a month or so in advance, they cost less than half what they do if you buy them at the door.  Some of the sponsors of festivals have deals through their websites or even through services like Groupon.  It doesn’t hurt to look around.
5. Beware crowds. Try to find less popular festivals.  Or go when the weather is less optimal (cold, windy days and light drizzle are still fine if you have proper outerwear and an enterprising attitude).  Or arrive really early.  Crowds usually mean long lines and whiny kids–NOT FUN.

Get out and learn about your community without much cost!  What was your favorite family festival experience?

Ways We Save Money: Washing the Dishes

Originally Posted on April 24, 2018 in Free, Fun, Family

Everyone hates washing dishes.  Especially other people’s dishes.  Marriages end over dirty dishes.  However, a sink full of dirty dishes can really torpedo your efforts to save money.  How?

It’s no secret that cooking at home saves money.  I enjoy cooking, and both Min and I have improved as cooks over the years.  However, coming home after a difficult day to a sink of dishes that need to be washed before dinner can be started was killing my meal planning efforts.  Part of it was my failure to eat an afternoon snack, leaving me ravenous at 4:30 p.m. when I got home.  But even when I solved that problem, doing dishes and then cooking when my children are starved for Mommy time after I’ve been away from them all day was killing my best laid plans.  I’d let all the wonderful vegetables I’d bought to make chili or soup rot in the fridge and heat up another frozen pizza instead.  There was a period we were so stressed about dirty dishes that I would just pick up fast food on the way home.

Keeping the sink relatively free of dirty dishes and the dishwasher cleared of already clean dishes makes cooking and meal planning easier and more fun.  I make more healthy food, use up more of the food I buy, and is more sanitary and environmentally friendly.  However, this was not an easy routine to master.

Failed “Solutions”

• Ignoring the problem. Obviously this is less a strategy than a desperate method of coping by me that sometimes resulted in purchasing more utensils or cookware… Stupid!
• Disposable products. Paper plates, plastic utensils, aluminum lining for baking trays, and water bottles bought in bulk did help prevent dining out and fast food runs when we were really awful.  However, cookware was still dirty and buried under a mound of things that needed to be rinsed (scraped because they’d been left to sit) and put in the dishwasher.  Which meant we “cooked” more convenience foods.
• Blaming the other person. You have all this time being home all day.  Just do it before you leave for work in the morning.  Wash any dishes you use right after you use them and load them in the washer.  Except don’t load them in the washer like that.  I thought you already ran the washer.  I couldn’t load the dishes because you never unloaded the washer.  And on and on…  We aren’t proud of this.

What did work?

I changed my attitude.

I have learned that the only person’s behavior you can really change is your own (though certainly you can influence the behavior of others, you cannot change them).  I changed my approach to dishes.   I decided to just step up and take responsibility for the dishes in the sink.  And running the dishwasher.  And putting the dishes away.  Whenever I had time.  No matter who created the mess.  Because this was my family and the dishes were my responsibility, even if that responsibility was shared.

People say marriage is 50-50.  That’s an error.  Successful marriage is 100-100, each person all-in, giving everything they have.

This mental adjustment began when H was six months old and Min broke his leg.  It shook me out of the petty you-did-this, I-did-that score keeping of housework.  It took a few weeks for the dish-washing habit to become routine and I’m not as vigilant as my mother who won’t go to bed with a dirty dish in the sink, but in the end, it took less time to clean even a full sink of dishes than I thought it did.  I even timed myself a few times to ensure myself it only takes a few minutes to clean up.

I’m not the only one in the house that does dishes (Min does more of the cooking during the day, so he does most of the cleaning then, too), but I still take the responsibility in my head seriously.  Letting go of my entitled attitude has changed how I view this chore and has made it possible for success with planning and cooking meals.  Which saves a lot of money!

Ways We Save Money: the YMCA

 Originally Posted on April 5, 2018 on Free, Fun, Family

Our family membership to the local YMCA is our biggest entertainment expenditure, but it also offers us so much value for that money.  We have a household membership that covers all four members of our household, but the cost would not increase if we had more children/household members.  However, we save money on this membership in the following ways:

1. I work for the local school district, so we have a 10% employee discount on the monthly fee.
2. We joined in a month with free registration (twice a year they waive the signup fee).
3. Every month we fill out “Frequent Y-er” cards that get entered in a drawing for a free membership.
4. When we travel for a month or more, we suspend our membership during the time we are gone.

Additionally, the YMCA offers reductions in rates for individuals with low incomes and reciprocity agreements with other YMCAs throughout our state and around the nation.  It’s pretty awesome.  Here are some ways we use and have used the Y with no additional costs:

1. Free, up to two hours per day, childcare for children age 6 weeks+ while adults use the facility.  H refers to it as her “school,” and she gets the benefit of socializing with other children and following the directions of other adults without additional preschool costs, while Min works out or relaxes.
2. Tons of awesome group exercise classes.  I’ve become addicted to BANG (a dance fitness class), but also regularly participate in BodyPump and Insanity/CORE classes.  I irregularly participate in Yoga, PiYo, and Zumba, but would do them more often if the times worked with my schedule.
3. Two personal training sessions and a personal training software system, ActivTrax, which helps navigate strength exercise training.
4. Two year-round pools with lots of times for “Open Rec,” which is often a great way to get the kids to expend lots of energy on a day with too much rain or too hot for outdoor play.
5. An indoor track and open gym times for us to play with the kids and encourage their physical education.
6. Reserving racquetball courts for indoor soccer sessions (this is a Min specialty).
7. Socializing (most of our close friendships with local families began at the Y).
8. Great shower facilities for men, women, and children, including family changing/shower rooms for the pool.
9. Outdoor playground equipment for the preschool/daycare, but open for Y members to use.
10. Weekly farmer’s market on the premises (seasonal).

We have also paid modest, member-priced fees to participate in additional programs/services at the Y, including:

1. J’s martial arts classes.
2. Swimming lessons for J and H.
3. Drop-in preschool “open gym” for J and H, when they were each the right ages for this. (I think this is $2-3 for a 2 hour, staff-supervised session with gymnastics equipment).
4. J attended a half-day 3 day/week preschool through the Y when he was three years old.  We won’t do this for H because as a younger sibling, she doesn’t need as much structured exposure to peers before school begins.
5. I pay $35/year for a kit locker that allows me to leave some of my belongings in a locker overnight.  This is a lifesaver for me since before work is the most convenient exercise time for me, so I leave my shower supplies at the Y.
6. Other Y-sponsored fundraising events including an annual magic show and a great trail 5K/10K run.

It is not an exaggeration to say that we, as a family, average 20-30 hours/week at the YMCA (not always all together, but sometimes).  As H grows, she seems very interested in dance and gymnastics, so it seems likely our commitment to the Y will expand at that time.

Many personal finance bloggers view a gym membership as a monthly expense to cut, but I believe our membership actually saves us money on entertainment and children’s supplemental activities.  I’m sure it also indirectly saves our health expenses, mental health expenses (for a stay at home parent, especially), and water bill.  I also think that my increased focus on health (which included upping the hours spent working out at the Y) and weight loss contributed to my success and promotion at work.  I view this membership as an investment in our family health and happiness–and we really use it well!

Children Reflect Your Lived Values

 Originally Posted on March 29, 2018 to Free, Fun, Family

Last night just before bed, my daughter found a baby doll she had “lost” in one of her fake-purse-snack-bags.  She was delighted.  She cuddled and cooed at the baby, changed its diaper before letting me change her diaper, kissed and cuddled it when it “cried,” read it a book, and then nursed it to sleep.  This is almost exactly the way I put her to bed (yes, even at almost three, we bedshare and comfort nurse).  I was warmed in my heart.

Earlier in the evening, my son offered very specific advice about a particular mobile phone puzzle game I’ve been addicted to lately.  I marveled at his creativity in game design. However, I recoiled with the horrifying shock that I’ve spent so much time distracting myself with this game in his presence, he felt he should talk to me about the game to connect with me.  I have made a mental note to stop playing this game for a few weeks to detox from the seductive, numbing distraction I’ve allowed it to become.  I was sad he absorbed such a thoughtless message from my bad habit.

Parenting offers the most powerful mirror I have ever experienced.

Not because children are mini-versions of you, but because they are so hungry for a deep, connected relationship with parents that they notice every tick, every quirk, every comment, every interest, and every habit.  They use that information, processed through their lens and unformed brains, to shape the reactions they want from their parents in whatever ways they can.

Whenever I find myself irritated with the behavior of one of my children, it is easy to blame them or their stage of development.  However, the more awareness I bring to the behavior, the more empathy and deep thought, the more I recognize that the behavior is often a reaction to a poor behavior of my own.

I am constantly working in my parenting practice to bring awareness, presence, and empathy to my interactions with my children and my husband.  However, I’ve also started to realize that it’s not just about being a selfless doormat; it’s about self-improvement and modeling the life and values you want your children to live.

The great thing is that if I listen–really listen–to my children, they will show me where I need the most work.  But they will also show me where I shine.

The Allowance Experiment

Originally Posted on March 28, 2018 in Free, Fun, Family

My son has become very interested in money lately.  Part of it is that he’s learning coins in school (and applying his “count by 5s” skills to nickels).  However, I also remember having a fascination with coins and money and saving/earning when I was young that led me to an interest in personal finance now that I’m grown.  Many young people are natural entrepreneurs, and I like to encourage his interests, but money is a challenging topic for parents.  Especially if, like me, you are still learning yourself!

I’ve read some books and articles that address how/when to do allowances with kids.  Mostly there are two themes: 1) Pay kids for chores or 2) Pay an allowance as a member of the family.  There are lots of arguments about why one pay structure is superior to the other for teaching the value of money and compensation for work.  Some systems actually suggest both (standard pay and then extra for contributions above and beyond).

Trouble is, I’ve never been one for elaborate systems.  We never did sticker charts for potty training.  As a teacher, I found discipline/reward systems too distracting and complex to make work for me in the classroom.  I come from a family of origin where chore lists were made and then promptly ignored.  I don’t want to set up my own children with some system, and then have to change all the rules on them because I forgot what I was doing or how to keep it up.

What to do?  The system I’m using with J rose organically out of a conversation we had over his homework.

J: Mommy, will you pay me money?

Me:  What will you do to earn the money?

J: I don’t know.  What can I do?

Me: Well, what do you want to use the money for?

J: I think I want to save the money.  [a pause] And help you pay your debt.

Me: [smiling–they hear everything, don’t they?] Paying off the debt is our responsibility–your father’s and mine. You don’t have to worry about that.  But saving is a good idea.  You have a savings account at the bank.

J: I do?

Me: Yes. When you were little, sometimes friends and family gave money for you to save. For college and other things you might need when you grow up. Do you want to earn money to save for those things?

J: That’s good.

Me: What are your responsibilities?

J: [thinking] Helping my family. Being nice to my sister.

Me: What about school?

J: My homework and cleaning my lunchbox.

Me: And Appa [Korean for Dad] likes you to practice your piano every day.

J: Yes.

Me: How about we try this: If you meet your responsibilities without Appa and I nagging you or asking you to do them lots of times, you can earn money?

We came up with a list.  J can earn a quarter each for:

1. Completing all his homework independently, with sincere effort.
2. The “10-minute clean-up” (We set a timer for 10 minutes and he organizes/cleans for that time, starting in common areas and finishing in his bedroom).
3. Practicing piano for 15 minutes.

The results so far have been pretty great.  I have to fight with him less to get started on the homework, the house is cleaner because he takes the job more seriously with the timer and money on the line, and he’s progressing in piano.  I like money as a reward more than screen time, since he doesn’t really want to do much more than count and collect it at the moment.  Plus he’s been trying to think of other ways to be responsible that could earn him money.  (Proposed: Pay me to eat my vegetables?  Rejected.  Proposed: Pay me to put away all my clean clothes?  Considered–but you would have to also match all the socks and hang up the school uniform pieces. Proposed: Pay me to help shovel snow?  Accepted, etc.)  He’s earned about $4 a week since we started a few weeks ago.  That’s in line with the approximate recommendations for $1/year of age/week.

Some people are concerned that children who are paid for meeting their obligations won’t value the obligations they have if they are not paid.  That’s fair, but would you keep working at your job if they stopped paying you?  I see that concern, but I also believe you have to know your kid.  J is rules and order oriented.  He likes structure, clarity, and fairness.  He understands that he has to do his chores anyway; this helps him connect family responsibilities to privileges.