Crossing Off To-Do Lists

I tried to write about saying goodbye to my students at Taegu Foreign Language High School. But I was unable to do so at this time. It's been very emotional. Even just mentioning my goodbye meals with my co-workers at TFLHS is getting me a little choked up. Some of these men and women (especially the women) are the smartest, hardest-working teachers I know. Even when I disagree with them (or they with me), I thoroughly respect their point of view and their professionalism. Although it's not like saying goodbye to Roosevelt, which was my first teaching job and first professional career post college, it's still tough.


At the goodbye luncheon with the English Department; My present is a Korean cookbook in English.

I've been here two years. In that time I've learned a lot about negotiation, bureaucracy, cultural nuances, testing, and assumptions. (Yes, I learned some of that at Oedae, but honestly, the hagwons are run like businesses more than schools, and I was lucky enough to work for an American director which insulated me from a lot of the workplace cultural differences). These things were always a part of teaching in the U.S., but experiencing them in another country has made them more transparent to me. A lot of foreign teachers come to Korea without having taught before, so perhaps their perspective is a little different, but I have to say that even if I never return to an international position, the things I've learned here will change how I approach teaching forever.

Rather than deal with emotional enormity of leaving my students and my position, I've chosen to focus today on the necessary tasks I must complete before I board the plane out of here in 23 (really? REALLY?) days and return "home" (or rather, repatriate). I would say that it's amazing how entrenched I've become in Korea and my life here, but those of you who know me know that it's hardly surprising that I dug right in and made myself at home. For the last year, I've been slowly moving towards minimalism and so I'm not really surprised by the amount of things I've collected here (as I've been increasing my awareness of and trying to let go my connection with stuff), but organizing, packing, and preparing it does rekindle memories of Korean classes and taekwondo belts gone by.

And so, my nose is to the grindstone (as it were), and my heart is in nostalgia-ville (visiting its cousins, the tear ducts, from sentimental-town). It's a process. Ever circular, but ever forward. Especially circular as the woman whose job I took when I first arrived in Korea three years ago, Jane, landed in Korea yesterday to return to her old position. I believe I may return some of the things she gave me to their original owner (who'd have thunk it?).

I started this journey alone, with my cat and vague hopes for the future. I'm returning with a husband, another cat, a black belt in taekwondo, thousands of pictures, many more memories, and a lot of love and respect for a country that will now always be another "home." Life can change a lot in three years, or not at all. In the end, it's not what happens to you--it's who you are.

Enjoy some pictures of the students I can't write about or I'll start crying:

English Theater Festival at 외고 2010

I'm boring, but I'm not bored

(Try explaining the above sentence to EFL students.)

My life has become dull and boring these days as I rest up and try to heal. On the plus side, I'm bonding with my kitties and fully caught up on Desperate Housewives. Then, on the downside, I have very little to write about and less energy to do it.

However, I am really excited about some upcoming projects I'm working on for my classes with William. Our last effort turned into the school's first English Theater Festival, which made the school look really good, so we've pretty much been allowed to do whatever we want with our classes since then. Within some limits (mostly placed by my least favorite person at the school, who is unfortunately also the most powerful).

I hope when I get a job in the U.S. next year I enjoy my co-workers as much as I do at this school. I've been pretty lucky in all three teaching jobs I've worked in that I had good people I could count on--both friends and bosses. Not everyone is so lucky.

Pride!

It's arrived at my parents' house, officially.

I now have a Master of Arts in Writing from Northeastern University.

I spent three summers attending graduate seminars on writing and pedagogical theory on Martha's Vineyard with an extraordinary collection of professors from universities all over the country and other brilliant teacher-students who have become life-long friends (yeah, I'm talking to those of you guys who read this blog!). I spent many hours working on papers, reading and researching about writing and writing theory--especially that connected with teaching.

In my first three years of teaching at Roosevelt, I grew a lot as a person and a teacher. I've grown even more in Korea. But I know that I wouldn't have grown as much without the opportunity to engage in the reflection and writing that I did through this graduate program. It's been quite a trip, and even served as some of the initial inspiration for the starting of this blog.

From the first course I took with Professor Susan Wall where I discovered my "teaching self":

Writing is such a complex and often contradictory activity. There are rules, but most great writers break those rules; there are genres, but rarely does writing of genius confine itself to a prescribed form without ingenuity. I discovered I could teach conventions and forms, but as much as I encouraged students, they were often afraid to take the risks that they needed to take to become great writers. I realized that part of my task as a writing teacher would have to be to create an environment in which students were encouraged and rewarded for successful risks.

This was a terrifying discovery as a new teacher, because the natural extension was that I would have to start taking risks as a teacher.

--excerpt from "First Draft: A New(ish) Writing Teacher Examines Her Beliefs," final paper for Current Approaches to Teaching Writing

To my final research thesis (a teacher-research study about balancing the demands of a high-pressure test--the AP Language and Composition--with the goals of providing students with writing workshop style instruction), under the direction of Professor Elizabeth Chiseri-Strater, finished up here in South Korea this May:

As I said in the introduction of this paper, I have relocated to South Korea, where I continue to teach students in a test-based, highly competitive educational environment. However, I am fundamentally changed by my experiences as a teacher-researcher. I take risks in teaching more confidently than I did before beginning this project; even in a foreign land where I don’t always understand the language and the culture. I try to do what the best thing for my students is, rather than the best thing for the administrators, parents, political groups, or test-makers, but I also recognize a need for balance. I can’t be everything for these students, even for their writing and language development, or they will be too dependent on me, and I will make myself sick again.

What’s more, I see the need for cultural/anthropological research methods in all aspects of my life. Certainly the practice of carefully assessing all aspects of a situation, being open and honest about multiple interpretations of a single event, and learning from your mistakes have served me well in understanding Korea. Towards the end of the research year, I began a blog that I often use as a way to systematize my cultural/life observations and personal research. It was inspired in large part by the journaling I began with my research project. It has kept me honest with myself.

Finally, in the writing of this paper, I am reminded even further of the gratitude I feel for the amazing people I have had the opportunity to teach and to learn from. My students are teachers, just as much as my professors have been (and having had some really spectacular professors, that’s saying quite a lot). This job is special, but not because we’re miracle workers or martyrs. Teaching affords us a unique and direct view of the human spirit in progress and the human mind at work; one cannot but wonder at humanity’s capabilities. I hope I will always be able to appreciate that.

--excerpt from "Better than Good Enough: One AP Language and Composition teacher uses Writing Workshop techniques to develop her curriculum within the confines of a standardized testing environment," final graduate thesis

And the classes on subjects as varied as Children's Literature and Memoir Writing in between, I will always cherish these moments for reflection on the act of writing and teaching writing. Life often gets in the way of leisure time for intellectual development; I know that unless I choose to return for a Ph.D. or MFA in Creative Writing, it is unlikely I will get this kind of intellectual luxury again in such intense doses.

(But of course I spent all day researching Ph.D. programs in Australia and England... I'm so "special").

Anyhow... I'm both relieved and sad to dry the ink on this chapter in my life. I will miss it, but now I can choose my intellectual pursuits without regard to term papers and course requirements. Today, however, for the first time in awhile, I feel proud of myself and my accomplishment.

And that's a fine feeling.

Juxtaposition

A lot of people who have never taught writing, but have been through years of schooling, seem to think they know what it must be like to teach writing. I often want to laugh in their faces. To even begin to assume that their journey as a writer has something in common or universal with every writer's journey is beyond laughable.

An excerpt from a student in my AP Language and Composition class at ERHS. From her essay on Tim O'Brien's theory of truth in fiction, presented in my favorite novel of his, The Things They Carried:

“Often these essay topics prove a tremendous challenge because they are very generalized and incredibly asinine. Writing these essays is a long process that forces me to search into the depths of my mind until I find some sort of truth. Once starting with that sliver of truth, as O'Brien often did, I stretch it and add numerous building blocks along the way, one after another, adding "incidents that did not in fact happen but that nonetheless help to clarify and explain" (O'Brien 158). I continue to elaborate and objectify my experiences until I have successfully woven a seemingly true and credible story. And as I write this story, I am able, as O'Brien says, to look at things I have never looked at or contemplated. I can use these topics as a vehicle in which to explore myself or someone who I would ultimately like to be. I can search my emotions and thoughts and of those who I admire and love... Who can ever know where my fiction begins and where my truths end. We are all creatures of self-invention. We distill the essences of ourselves into a public persona that we present to the world around us.”

An essay from a student in my honors essay writing class at Oedae on bullying:

"Sometimes people makes someone ostracize. Some people enjoy bullying in school. They look so happy when they bully someone. I don't know why they enjoy it I can't understand.

What is bullying. I think bullying is very bad thing. bullying people afflict always week people but they obey stronger people. Bullying people are mean. Sometimes week people kill themselves because off bullying people.

In school, Teacher will be very angry when bullying people hits someone their parents were called by teacher. Even bullying people will leave school or go a prison, and everyone treat them badly.

I've never been bullied someone but If I am bullied, I fight them. Sometimes I've seen someone bullying but I don't help them.

Why do they bully? Maybe if they stisfiy that the bully someone. I think if they have hobby, they don't bully someone. bullying is bad."

My job is to look at both and help the student to improve their writing. You can begin to see why 150 students is exhausting for a writing teacher.

I only have eight students in my essay writing class at Oedae. All my other classes are speaking classes. I am a lot less stressed out this year, even if I miss the more sophisticated discussions in class on occasion.

Teacher! This is not typical!

The last few days at work, I've been taking over Jane's classes. (Speaking of Jane, she took some really cute pictures of her former/my current students, which you should go look at here). I'm not used to teaching EFL and Jane has a lot of experience with that, so mostly I've been doing my best to follow her style and her plans for the classes until I get more familiar with the materials and more comfortable with the school. Today will be the first day that she's not coming to school to help me out or to give the monthly tests or whatever, but I have been taking on classes on my own throughout the week, a few at a time.

It's a particular challenge for me with the younger students. For one, their English is not as developed as the older classes'. Also, I'm just not used to working with young elementary school kids--like even if they were fluent in English, I'd probably have some trouble communicating. However, I've been doing this teaching thing for awhile and have developed a classroom style that I find most effective for me. While I am trying to ease the students through the transition by sticking with Jane-teacher's class structure for now, one of the second grade students, Billy, said of my review lesson:

"Teacher! This is not typical!"

This cracked me up. I found out later Gwen had taught them "typical" in intensives last month, so that's how he learned the phrase, but for a kid whose English is still in the beginner stages, that's pretty impressive. And adorable.

I tried to reassure him. "That's ok, Billy. I am the new teacher. I am not the same as Jane-teacher."

This seemed to worry him more, but as the lesson went on, he figured out what I wanted him to do (and did it very well), and the whole class was smiles as they left. Maybe that was because I assigned no homework, though... hm...

I am figuring out the materials. The Mega books (more advanced), which were designed in the US, are very similar to the kinds of textbooks (when I bothered with textbooks) I used at Roosevelt (except the focus is on grammar instead of literature). The lessons are designed around principles of teaching that I am familiar with (Bloom's taxonomy; even some more progressive theories like constructivist teaching and a focus on real-world applications), so I've been able to pick up these materials pretty easily. However, the Hop-Skip-Jump series that was designed in Korea is a hybrid of Confucian and Western principles with an organizational structure that at this time, still eludes me a little. I'll admit I feel a bit overly dependent on the teacher manual for this series right now.

I'm confident that within a few months everything will be just fine. The next few weeks will be rough on both students and teacher. But, not to disagree with little Billy or anything, this is quite typical of times of transition in educational institutions.

And now, since it is topical with my post, I bring you another rant about education in the US:

I had a conversation with a teacher back home today about the new online grading application for Roosevelt that I was adamantly opposed to implementing. Basically with the new software, parents are able to check their students' grades as soon as they are posted by the teachers. Theoretically, it will also have real time updating for absences, tardies, and other administrative issues for each class

In many ways, this could be a great tool for parents to check up on their kids' progress. Trouble is that the parents who should be using it the most (because their kids are out back getting high or having sex in their cars instead of attending classes) are the ones who will never check it. Meanwhile the ones who already give their students, themselves, and the teachers who are "lucky" enough to get them in class ulcers with their anal attentiveness to the Harvard-readiness of their precious ("you gave him a B on this paper his second week of high school English! Because of you, he will not get into Harvard!"), will use it as yet another tool for inflicting abuse and neuroticism on whoever they can find who will listen. And so far, it seems, as I suspected, it's become a tool for parents with too much time on their hands to harass teachers about why little Johnny got a 91 on this essay when his friend Suzy got a 92.

I've oft maligned the poorly applied analogy of business for education that fuels NCLB legislation, but apparently teaching is now part of the service industry, didn't you know? Education in the US is no different than business. Just ask our president. He knows how to run things... like businesses and countries. As a teacher, you are here to serve your customers. Whether in the analogy the "customer" is the student, the parent, or the administration at the time really makes no difference. It's all about expediency for the person currently complaining.

And you see now WHY I needed a break from US teaching...

TGIiK (Thank God I'm in Korea).

Roosevelt

I didn't want to admit it to myself, but I've been avoiding ERHS. I felt guilty about not quite having finished up some of my packing up duties at the end of the year (thank god for good friends--Michelle), and I couldn't quite put my finger on what it was that was stopping me from going back. After today, I think it was the need not to become (re)attached. I mean, I care about what happens there, but I can't let myself care too much--I'm not a faculty member anymore. And I still haven't sorted out how I feel about that.

I'm going to miss it. More than I realized. It was my first job after graduating from St. Mary's, my first teaching job, and an institution that shaped who I am today about as much as Eastern, Blair, or St. Mary's did. If you count Northeastern as part of my Roosevelt time, then probably MORE than those others. Being a teacher at Roosevelt was an integral part of my identity--and the first I'm really voluntarily giving up that I don't technically have to (like I had to graduate from the other institutions or what was the point?)

I stopped by after working at the hotline today to drop off the thank you cards I wrote for everyone and to see who was still there after 4 p.m. (I would have been if I were coming back...). Found out McNeil got principal (which is great--I was scared they'd pick someone new who sucked; Reggie's invested in Roosevelt so he'll continue to make it a good place) and that the teacher they hired to replace me bailed out in early August--and they haven't found someone else who would be qualified to take the position yet. YIKES! Poor Bill.

In some ways I'm glad I didn't see Bill or Susan--I feel like I'm abandoning them after everything they've done for me and the shame of it is a bit overwhelming. But I'm also very sad I missed them because their guidance has meant more to me than almost any other mentor/teacher/professor/boss type relationship. I cannot even begin to express my gratitude towards them and my awe for what they do. I did see Barbara, though, who I feel similarly about, and that was good, so I guess I really wish I had run into them.

I will miss Michelle the most. Her and my co-worker friends--poker buddies, Chevy's happy hour pals, bitch-festing commiseraters, pragmatic idealists, phenomenal teachers... I know she's been annoyed with me about yearbook stuff, so I was laying low a bit, but I was very glad I got to see her before I left. I hope she has a wonderful year. I hope everyone has a wonderful year, and makes me insanely jealous of how awesome it is back home at Roosevelt because I selfishly want everything about home, especially the good things, to stay exactly the same, waiting for my return.

But I know life doesn't work like that. And I won't stay the same; why should anything else?

The better part of me hopes they get on without me swimmingly. To be honest though, I want them to miss me. Not too much of course, but it's hard to feel like you're replaceable (like Jane keeps using the word "replacement" to describe me, which while technically accurate and a bit humorous in a science-fiction sounding way, is problematic--I may be assuming her teaching responsibilities and moving into her apartment, but I could never possibly replace Jane; I wouldn't even want to try--she's too unique and awesome, and hopefully I am, too!). Or, even worse, forgettable.

The hardest thing about leaving, the truth I've been avoiding by staying away from Roosevelt, is this: some of the people and places I'm leaving behind occupy a much larger portion of my heart than the hole I will leave behind in theirs... It always hurts a little to love something more than it loves you. Even if it is for the best in the end.

The impressions we leave behind, right?

I have felt sometimes, in darker scary moments that I don't like to admit to myself, that this process of leaving often feels like I'm preparing for my own death. Giving away possessions, saying goodbyes, wondering if I'll be missed. Since I'm not there yet, there is also a surreal, unimaginable quality about life in Korea that feels a bit like contemplating the afterlife.

Ok, I swear I'm completely happy to be moving and am not at all suicidal, but it's just funny, you know?

Enough of my overly reflective crap for now. I have enough melodrama in me sometimes to kill a horse and then sleep with its brother for S & G's (shits and giggles). Ugh. Maybe it was too much Dr. Phil at the hotline. Who knows?

In case you had doubts

Someone out there has been casting aspersions about my intentions to actually leave the country in eight days. (Not really; I just like the phrase "cast aspersions" and I don't get to employ it nearly often enough). I offer this photographic evidence of the visa I just picked up today and the Korean won I ordered from the bank last week. This is partly for Krystle who seems to be praying for a plane delay (her heart is in the right place) and partly for Dad who tried to wrench the thing out of my passport at dinner tonight in an unusual display of emotion. I'm really going, guys. I didn't even try to get into Roosevelt on this, the first day of pre-services for teachers (although I was tempted because I finished all my thank you cards working on the overnight shift at the hotline--I'll deliver them tomorrow).

Korean won is pretty cool looking, isn't it? I like that the 10,000 note (the largest denomination I got from the bank--worth a little over $10) is called a "man won" in Korean. Haha! I gets paid millions (two of 'em each month), all in man wons! Does that mean my love life will improve in a Konglish fashion, because that's kinda what that last sentence sounded like to me.

Now, exhausted from working all night and a stupid thought I had on the subway after I missed my stop (it can't be that far to walk from the next station down, right?), I will collapse for early bedtime.

What I might not miss about my job...

...nine straight hours of grading--and barely making a dent in the pile(s)
...petty arguments with small-minded administrators hopped up on their own self-importance who insult my professionalism and reading comprehension (which, if I do say so myself, are impeccable!)
...fretting about the fact that a certain young man has someone at home writing his essays for him and still can't read, but knowing I can't help him because he won't be honest with me about his problems
...reading news articles about members of my school district's BOE acting inappropriately
...disappointing my students because there are too many of them and not enough of me to give them the kind of assistance I would like to offer
...realizing (after grading papers) how many of them just gave up this year (it looks like five or six... three of whom are theoretically "honors" students)
...feeling guilty every second I'm not grading papers
...working twice as many hours as contracted, completely uncompensated
...getting crap about every single little mistake in the yearbook
...not having enough time to properly look after my health (working out, eating right, etc.)

I will miss my students, my colleagues, my department chair, and my successes (with yearbook and teaching English--the kids never even know how much better they are at writing now than they were 9 months ago). I love teaching high school English, but the public school system makes it all but impossible for you to do it effectively without sacrificing some piece of yourself. We make movies about selfless, giving teachers whose marriages suffer or who lead lives of lonely desperation entirely centered around a bunch of hard-assed teens who grow to love them, but the truth about teaching is that you cannot base your ego and your identity in the hands of teenagers. It is not a healthy way to live.

I love Roosevelt. I love the people who teach there and the students who attend. I love Old Greenbelt--the last holdout of hippie-esque communist thinking in an increasingly commercial world. I love AP Lang. I love working on the yearbook. But I hate how much of myself I keep giving away to do this job that I love so much.

I suppose I'm hoping that teaching in Korea will help me to finally filter out what thoughts/ambitions/activities come from within and which come from the community in which I am so thoroughly entrenched at the moment. I want to know if I really want to pursue graduate studies or a romantic relationship or writing. I want to get to know the me that is and is not defined by my culture and my work and my relationships... It is important to know what questions to ask.

Eduschmacation

Jay Mathews is an arrogant prick.

Here's my problem with this dweeble brain: His rhetoric belies the same problems plaguing the current politicos' take on education, a la NCLB propaganda. Too much fluff. Talks a good game about leveling the playing field and counting hard-working schools in the lower socioeconomic strata for his "Top 1200," but then uses a measure that is EXCLUSIVELY bought--taking the AP test (which runs about $80/per head). So misguided, struggling districts looking to improve their reputation, like mine, shell out all but $15 of that cost to rank higher in his little schema on his little list, instead of putting that money towards high quality textbooks or cutting class size or raising teacher salary or SOMETHING else that has PROVEN to raise test scores and raise the quality of education for students. The little buggers don't even have to take the class to rank for his "challenge index" which was the thing he was TRYING to measure. What a moron!

And it worked. PG schools got higher on the "challenge index" than ever--many outrank Roosevelt, which has the best rep in the county for AP. Why? Because challenge index score = # of tests/graduating seniors. Other schools in this county have very low graduation rates for students (last I checked, ours is in the 90s, PG averages in the 60s, many schools less), which means a lower number in the divisor, and while other schools have lots of students testing, few get higher than a 2 (considered failing), while most of our kids get 3 or higher. I think last year something like 3 students in the whole county got a 3 or higher on one of the English APs who didn't attend Roosevelt... It's a BIG county.

We have advantages, like a science/tech program that attracts students from all over the county, and Old Greenbelt is a staunchly middle class area, but our "neighborhood" kids do well also, not just the elite.

Now College Board is launching this "audit" in an effort to validate the level of courses with the AP label precisely because thinking like Mathews inclines boards of ed and administrators to put a pretty title on classes to get higher rankings, better support from parents, and the appearance of a better education for all. Yet, test scores stagnate. College Board blames inadequately challenging curricula in courses labelled AP (of course the obnoxiousness of the AP audit is a whole other rant!).

I'm looking forward to a broader perspective on education after teaching in another country. This system is giving me a headache!

funny sleep

Sleep schedule? What sleep schedule? I understand not the words you speak.

I've been trying to research schools in Korea that have made me offers. I think right now I'd like to get a job at a decent (honest), medium-to-low stress hakwon for my first year and then find a job at a university for a couple years. I want to try to become semi-passable in a language that is not my own and to learn what "necessity" really means.

I'm learning the alphabet all over again and it's AWESOME. Check it out.

P.S. The book is in and it is beautiful. I'm glad, 'cause I think some people were starting to get all "lame duck" on my ass; now they'll always remember what an awesome teacher I was.

Yearbooks are coming!

I just got the notice that the books have been shipped! HUZZAH! Ahead of schedule and everything. I am so very excited to see them (the students worked so very, very hard this year). Maybe when they come out someone will get dreadfully interested in taking over the book? Who knows...

Um, so there is a long and convoluted story behind this, but Anne says I'm not allowed to date crazy people anymore. I think that is a fine idea. I will work on it.

Other than missing the physical closeness/benefits of a relationship and the feeling like there is someone out there who cares about you, I'm fully enjoying the single status. I feel less accountable. I can make plans without saying, "I'll have to check with so-and-so." I can have any kind of sleep schedule I want. I get the WHOLE bed all to myself EVERY night. And that vague feeling of dread that pushes me to ask stupid insight-seeking questions (will it last, does he really love me, is he the one, am I in love, do his friends like me, what about his family, do I want kids, how many, etc.) is gone. I had thought they would be replaced by others (like will I always be alone, why aren't I good enough, or something like that), but turns out I have no such worries. I am far too interested in the things that are going on in my life and in the world.

This suggests to me that I should stay single until someone makes a compelling case for me to give up this freedom.

Yearbook... DONE

Yay! I am celebrating hitting that final "submit" button on the final page of the 2007 yearbook. WOOHOO!

Really it should have been done a week ago, but who's counting?

It's been so beautiful out lately that I've been having some serious jonesing for a hike. Maybe I'll plan an afternoon hike soonish. As it is, I'm pretty busy with preparations for Florida on Thursday. Spring Break is almost here. Yes!

I think I desperately need this break. I'm going a little stir crazy. I need the sleep and the rest.

Oh yes, and the King's Dominion trip with CCSi on Apr. 22. If anyone wishes to accompany us, let me know. I think guests are in the $30 range--not bad for KD!

Maybe Sarah would want to come. I'll ask her.

And with that, I leave you with my cat:
This is Princess. Everybody say "HELLO!"

Time for a new log of the journey...

Beginnings are usually a time of endings. I will begin this blog of my journeys with the process of the end.

So... I have begun to start making decisions that are just for myself. It only took about 25 years; not too shabby, considering. It has been some time since I have been blogging regularly, but perhaps it is time to begin again. Considering that one of the main reasons for self-censure was fear of it affecting my profession (high school English teacher in the US), the decision I have made recently to leave that profession to teach English as a Second Language abroad in a few (less than 6) months should be enough of a reason to allow me to express myself more freely.

I am going to miss Roosevelt--from the crazy students to the exceptionally awesome (and under appreciated) teachers, this place has been a second home. Hell, considering how often I've moved while I've worked here (due mostly to one very big mistake of a relationship that is ever so thankfully over), it might as well be considered the first home around which all other action has swirled...

Finishing up the senior pages' approval on Friday, I began to get all weepy and sentimental. I will really miss my students from class of 2007. They were my first students ever (since I taught tenth grade in 04-05) and my first AP students last year. They will also be the class I leave with. My kids this year are super-nice, but the intensity of emotions I have surrounding my first year of teaching make my fondness for those students magnified. They taught me how to teach. Teaching taught me how to be (and more importantly to love) myself. Facilitators of my identity equivalent only to junior year, Justin's death , and Brian's problems; however, one of the first such significant experiences marked by more positives than negatives (perhaps more like Romeo and Juliet, then).

I have lived in Maryland all my life but two years I can't remember and a few painful months (twice--once in Poughkeepsie, once in DC) I wish I couldn't.

This will be my first move out of this state made without the consultation of a significant other--there is no one to consult except for myself. And, I must sadly admit, my first visit out of the U.S. I am anxious and excited and terrified and peaceful and delighted all at once. I am making preparations for Princess and for myself--giving away possessions, purchasing more sensible ones, saying goodbyes.

I sometimes wonder if I will come back. I could be a full professor in the Far East having only completed my Master's degree. The hours would be relatively easy and allow a lot of time for writing. I could make a lot of money for travel or retirement or anything. I could learn new languages and cultures. Then again, I could miss "home" too much... But where is home? Most of my friends have moved away or will within a few years. My sister will move away and so will Brian (again). Why wait to be left behind when I could do so much more with this one little life I've been given? I will make a home inside myself and carry it with me.

Maybe that's why I'm getting so fat lately ;-) Just kidding--but I do need to get back to my regular workout schedule.