Attitude of Gratitude: My Sister in Law

 Originally Posted on April 16, 2018 in Free Fun Family

Living as an international family has some significant challenges.  The biggest challenge is that you are physically separated from very important parts of your family.  This time last year, we visited Korea for Spring Break and will visit even longer this summer.  When we visit, we stay with family.

Min has one younger brother who lives in Korea.  The brother is married to a woman who is not only an awesome wife and teacher, but a woman I consider a friend.  In-Shil is very popular with our children because she has a great sense of humor.  She likes to develop her hobbies–drawing, yoga, Crossfit (yes, they have that in Korea), English, technology, etc.–and I’m always impressed by how wonderfully welcoming and inviting she is when we visit her in her home.  She is frugal and a fine cook, but still enjoys herself and loves kids.  I think you can see why we get along so well!

Her English is a bit better than my Korean, so we often have conversations where she will speak in elementary Korean and I will respond in elementary English and we understand each other very well.  Our husbands think this is weird, but we like it.

I often wish we lived in the same city (or even the same country), because I would love to be closer with her.  I am very grateful for her patience, love, and support with my brother-in-law and mother-in-law (who lives near them), and with my husband, who doesn’t always realize how awesome she is (he does, I just think he should think she’s EVEN MORE AWESOME, because she is).   Our Korean family has had some significant challenges recently, and she has been the rock through the worst of it (and continues to be).

Some people have challenging relationships with their in-laws, but our family is blessed with a SUPERSTAR jakkun ohmma (aunt).  I cannot wait to visit her this summer!

Random Insomniac Update

My Little Monkey Butt

Baby J now has me so conditioned to middle-of-the-night feedings that when he throws off his routine by sleeping right through one, it causes me to stay up until the next one.  At least I can catch up on blogging!  (And of course, my punishment for being awake from 12:30-2 am was that when he finally did wake for a feeding he would NOT go back to sleep until 4.  Ugh!  No more caffeine for me!)

This week has been a little odd.  Some things that have happened:

Milk Drunk

1)  I'm down to 212 lbs (3 more lost), so all is going relatively well on the health front (except this nasty back pain that just won't go away and of course I can't get enough proper rest to allow to heal).  I have my six week postpartum checkup tomorrow (later today, I guess), so we'll see if that goes well, too.

2)  I'm becoming more social with the baby.  We've been out to restaurants a couple times, on long walks many times, and to a new mommies group I was recently introduced to by a friend.  I also went out on New Year's Eve, leaving the baby with his grandparents and way too much expressed milk (you know... in case I was kidnapped and held for ransom in Mexico or something.  I was paranoid!) and called only once an hour to check on him.  It's nice to feel less stuck on the couch.

Baby J and Min Gi with my high school friend, Jonathan and his lovely wife at our first restaurant outing.

3)  The baby has grown a lot.  He's really long (outgrew newborn sizes and even 3 month onesies are getting a little short on him) and his head is enormous.  He's still pretty skinny baby-wise, but when I went to the new moms group, he was more like the size of boys a full 4-5 weeks older than him and girls 2 months older than him.  The other 6 week olds looked so tiny by comparison.  He's also started "talking" to us, which is super fun:






5)  Min Gi has notified his job he is quitting at the end of this month to become a full time dad (and work on his business ideas), and I have told my boss I will be returning full time to work February 11.  Jeongmin will be 10 weeks old.  I actually kind of look forward to being a working mom.  It will be hard to be away from him, but I know he and his dad will have a great time bonding with each other.  Luckily, I've had no issues with pumping, so I should be able to continue to exclusively breastfeed.

Always excited in the mornings.

6.  My father is in the hospital again--probably for two weeks.  I don't think it's too serious, but it's still soon to see where it goes.  He needs another surgery and has a small foot infection.  I'm really sad because he's missing out on bonding time with Jeongmin. 

7.  American healthcare sucks.  We're in limbo with the baby's insurance because we wanted to put him on Min Gi's insurance, but it turns out the agent who applied for us told the insurance company that nobody in the household was pregnant, even though I specifically asked her about that when we applied for his insurance, so now the matter is "under investigation" and not only does Jeongmin not currently have insurance, but Min Gi may lose his coverage because of this.  With us going down to one salary, we're eligible for state care for the baby, but I can't even apply for that until I know what's going on with his application to the other agency.  It's a giant mess.  I will be calling around some public clinics next week to try to keep at least his vaccinations up, but the whole thing makes me want to punch people in the face.  (And in case you were wondering, it's not really feasible to add him to my company's plan--it would be $500/month just for him).  I really hope he stays healthy, especially over the next few weeks as this gets sorted out.

8)  My younger brother turned 29 yesterday.

9)  Another friend had her second baby this weekend (at the same hospital where my dad is now... funny).  Can't wait to meet her.

My boys.

That is all for now.  I should really try to sleep if I can.  If you'd like, there are more cute baby pictures in the full album:

Baby: Weeks 4-6

I'm getting all "guh"

I miss having free time.  Teaching high school English in the U.S. is a very, very demanding job.

Something I've noticed... the culture here in PG county/suburban DC, that I was pretty "in touch" with three years ago, is now something almost completely foreign to me.  Part of it is getting older, but part of it is missing all those subtle cultural shifts that happen imperceptibly and rapidly without anyone who is a participant noticing.  Three years ago, almost no one but political bloggers referred to the Supreme Court as SCOTUS.  I still can't pick Katy Perry (yes, I had to look up how to spell her name) or Justin Bieber out of a lineup of similarly prepified tweens (frankly, who the heck cares?).  And now my students say things like "Mrs. S, you be getting me all guh," and I feel like I did when I was first learning about Korea and didn't know what "service" was (Good lord, I miss "service-uh").

It's got me thinking about cultural observations as an outsider in Korea and reflecting on how much I did or didn't understand.  Like if I hadn't grown up in the DC area, I might think some of these things were unique to this area, when really, they're new to the culture, not just regional.  Many things about Korean youth culture changed so rapidly that my students taught me things about Korean culture that older people, or even the venerable Korean of Ask a Korean wouldn't know.

How does culture change?  How permanent are the changes (or are they short term trends, like the Macarena)?  When we're living in it, we can't really know.  It's only over time that the depth of the change is revealed.

I think some things are easier to see from the outside (like the consequences of American consumerism) and others impossible to fully grasp except from within (like age-based hierarchy in Korean society, which I understand academically and linguistically but just don't get at all).  Living in a foreign land and marrying a non-American has made me a bit of an outsider of the culture once again.  And the first thing I've been truly excited about since coming back is trying to make sense of it all.  I've got my puzzle back.

Q & A: Non-white women; Internet hook-up; long flight tips; Marine base in Vietnam; Korean Tuesdays

It's been a long time since I've answered my formspring questions. Sorry to those of you who'd been waiting on an answer.

Do you see colored girls in Korea? Like blacks, Hispanics or mixed girls? I mean I often here stories of Caucasians dating up there but...I'm curious.

I'm not exactly sure what perspective you are coming from (are you a man who wants to hook up with "colored girls" or what?), but I will answer. There are many non-white, non-Korean girls living in Korea. The largest groups I've encountered are Chinese and Filipina students and African-American and Hispanic soldiers. In the English teaching community, they are about proportional to what you would find among college grads from the seven countries eligible for E-2 visas, except that there is about a 70/30 male/female ratio and a much higher percentage of people with any Korean blood within that teacher community compared to a normal population. I come from a very, very diverse part of America, so I tend to think the foreign English teacher community is not very diverse (mostly white, middle class). However, people from less diverse areas think that the expat teaching community is very diverse. So I guess it depends on your perspective. If you actively seek out non-white women, you will find them, but I seriously doubt you will be impressed by the number of them you find (except in certain areas of very large cities). I will say that in Korea, more of my non-Korean friends were white than anywhere else I've lived/worked in my life except during college.

My husband is thinking of going to South Korea to be a teacher, I was wondering how long it took you to get internet hooked up in your apartment?

Your husband wants to go to South Korea, and the only question you have is about length of time for internet hookup? You have some restraint, m'dear. Depending on which service you choose and how well supported you are at your school by the teachers who take care of these things, it could take between 3 days and 2 weeks from the time people start asking around. However, in my first apartment, internet was already set up. In my second apartment, Min Gi shopped around for good deals for about a week and then found one and a week later, I had internet. In the last apartment, we transferred the contract from the second apartment, and I think I was without internet for only a day or two. South Korea prides itself on being the most wired country in the world. It's not for nothing.

How did you deal with the long flight over there? I want to travel but I hate to fly. Any tips for getting through it?

I like to deprive myself of sleep and fatty foods for the 36 hours prior to takeoff. I sleep better on the plane that way, and sleep so well the first night that I usually only experience mild jet lag after. On the plane itself, I read, listen to music, doze off, get up and walk around/stretch, play with the in-flight entertainment center, and always ask for at least 2 cups of water when they come around and offer. Sometimes I find the free red wine helps me zonk out even more quickly, but be careful about hydration. Planes are nastily drying environments.

Are there any remains of the Marine base at Marble Mountain???

I was not specifically looking for the Marine base at the Marble Mountains in Vietnam. However, I recall there was a marker for the lookout point the Americans used and the platform was there and my motorcycle taxi driver mentioned the base (he was a South Vietnamese soldier during that time). The effects of war there struck me more in the extreme shell damage to the temple sites and ancient carvings.

I remember reading how you and your husband speak English at home and every Tuesday it is Korean language day. So now that you are coming back to America, will you do a language swich-a-roo to keep in practice? I would think speaking Korean back in the US [would be helpful].

As you recall correctly, we usually speak English at home and for awhile we were doing Korean on Tuesdays. Right before I left Korea, Min Gi was in hardcore English study mode because he hopes to be able to work and function comfortably in his new country, so my Korean studies were sadly neglected. Currently, we are in separate countries, so I am not speaking much Korean at all these days, with him or anyone else. We will probably speak English at first in America because we are going to stay with my parents, and it is a little rude to speak another language around people who don't understand it when everyone is perfectly capable of communicating in the host's language. I would like to re-start the Korean Tuesdays when we are set up in our own house and then perhaps increase it to 2-3 days a week, as my Korean studies pick up more and I grow my skills.

That's all the formspring for now, but feel free to ask me a question anytime. I'm less crazy stressed now that the move to the U.S. is about 50% complete, so I should get to answering them faster.

Place your bets here...

Well... I'm starting to think that my reverse culture shock (yes, this actually happens when people re-integrate into their home culture) is going to be pretty bad. Why?

I keep thinking stuff like:

"Korea and America aren't that different. When I was home on vacation last summer it was all basically the same."

"I can get by without a car. Did without a car for three years here. No problem!"

"America's boring. Nothing new or surprising."

"Korean kids and American kids are pretty much the same. I'll be fine in an inner city Title One school (or conversely, a high pressure academic IB or AP filled school). No sweat."

"I can keep up my hiking very easily in America!" (especially funny in combination with my second thought)

"I'm sure I can save a lot of money. It can't cost THAT much to live in the U.S. There've got to be non roach-infested apartments in the greater DC area for less than $1200/month, right?"

At least these are the thoughts I can CATCH myself making that I know are blatantly false. I probably have hundreds of other thoughts setting me up for major reverse culture shock that I'm not even aware of how wrong they are.

Fact is, I've lived here three years and adapted to life pretty damn well. I'm dandy with the ketchup and mustard in bag-like "bottles." With the sharp, metal chopsticks for salad (heck--it's EASIER now than using a fork). With only understanding about 50% of what's going on around me (and then only if I choose to listen to it... it's easier to tune out here). With kids staring and pointing and shouting "hi" without there being something freakishly wrong with my appearance. With the smell of kimchi and food trash in the summer. With being taller and bigger than the majority of women and about 60% of men. With concrete block apartments where you can smell your neighbor's cooking. With people drying their clothes and linens and red peppers on the rooftops. With exercise parks at the tops of mountains. With assigned theater movie seating. With parking people in and leaving a cell phone contact number on your car. With calling cell phones "hand phones." With the limited selection of Western groceries. With super-futuristic interior design and lots of high-tech gadgetry. With "maybe" meaning "probably," and "I think you should..." from your boss as an order. With the different logic of the traffic. With people bumping into you and the lack of personal space. With casual nudity in shower rooms. With OTC drugs not sold at convenience stores and snacks/hygiene products not sold at pharmacies.

At some point all of these things were annoyances or surprises. I don't even think about them these days (I mean, I did just now... for this post... but well, you know what I mean). There are other things I'm sure I'm so used to at this point I've probably forgotten that they're different.

I know (KNOW) that I'm going to have to work really hard not to always say "Well in Korea they BLAH BLAH BLAH," more than 3-4 times a day. It's ok for Min Gi to say it--he's from Korea--but my co-workers, friends, family members, and students are going to get mighty sick of it pretty darn fast.

So, blog readers, I guess what I'm saying is that returning to America's going to be a pretty big adventure, too, now that I'm three years out. I don't know who this Justin Bieber character is and care more (right now) about the sinking of the Cheonan and nuclear threats from the North than the protesting of BP or the "tea party" nonsense. It's going to be a little rough...

Now's the time to place your bets on how long it will take me to have my first major culture shock meltdown in America... Get while the getting is good! (My bet would be that it's a good month or two before my husband has any signs of culture shock... haha.)

Goodbye Lunch with the Kwons...

With one of my nieces (third sister's daughter) and the "baby" teddy bear I brought her as a goodbye.
I have not been able to see my Korean family much this year. Between my 언니 sister (aka best Korean gal-pal), Se Jin, being extremely busy with her responsibilities at work, buying her first apartment, and a sort-of friend of the male variety in Seoul and my illness, wedding, and impending move, making time to hang out with her, let alone her wonderful and accepting family that made my first impressions of Korea and Koreans so positive, was nearly impossible. I think we've hung out only five or six times since September, and I have not seen any of her extended family at all.



Amazing spread of food with my Korean father. I can only look at the prowess of my Korean mom's cooking skills in awe. Perhaps one day, my ajumma skills will begin to approach this level, but I seriously doubt it.
However, I was very lucky to attend a goodbye and good luck lunch celebration at her new (fabulous apartment), prepared by her (my) Korean mother (entirely vegetarian--wow!) in my honor. Se Hoon (the brother) prayed for my safe return and for my father's health. Mother and Father hoped I would return to Daegu soon and always come to visit them.



Korean Mama, me (their fifth daughter, 권다인), and Korean Papa Kwon.
This family has taught me the depths of hospitality and kindness--not just for Koreans, but for any humans. I cannot imagine my Korean life without them. After the parents left for their country home in Yeongcheon and the brother's and sister's families cleared out for the rest of their Sunday afternoon activities, Se Jin and I gossiped in the rain, and I cried a little at not seeing them again for so long. But then Se Jin reminded me that we are family--and her house is always open to Min Gi and I when we come to visit Korea, just as my house in America would always be open to her or any members of her family who wished to visit.

Saying I'll miss them is the biggest understatement I can imagine. Being away from them will almost be like being away from my own family has been over the last three years. My heart already aches with the thought. And I have nothing but inadequate words for my gratitude. All I can hope is that I will remember always to be as accepting and open with strangers and travelers as they have been to me.

Crossing Off To-Do Lists

I tried to write about saying goodbye to my students at Taegu Foreign Language High School. But I was unable to do so at this time. It's been very emotional. Even just mentioning my goodbye meals with my co-workers at TFLHS is getting me a little choked up. Some of these men and women (especially the women) are the smartest, hardest-working teachers I know. Even when I disagree with them (or they with me), I thoroughly respect their point of view and their professionalism. Although it's not like saying goodbye to Roosevelt, which was my first teaching job and first professional career post college, it's still tough.


At the goodbye luncheon with the English Department; My present is a Korean cookbook in English.

I've been here two years. In that time I've learned a lot about negotiation, bureaucracy, cultural nuances, testing, and assumptions. (Yes, I learned some of that at Oedae, but honestly, the hagwons are run like businesses more than schools, and I was lucky enough to work for an American director which insulated me from a lot of the workplace cultural differences). These things were always a part of teaching in the U.S., but experiencing them in another country has made them more transparent to me. A lot of foreign teachers come to Korea without having taught before, so perhaps their perspective is a little different, but I have to say that even if I never return to an international position, the things I've learned here will change how I approach teaching forever.

Rather than deal with emotional enormity of leaving my students and my position, I've chosen to focus today on the necessary tasks I must complete before I board the plane out of here in 23 (really? REALLY?) days and return "home" (or rather, repatriate). I would say that it's amazing how entrenched I've become in Korea and my life here, but those of you who know me know that it's hardly surprising that I dug right in and made myself at home. For the last year, I've been slowly moving towards minimalism and so I'm not really surprised by the amount of things I've collected here (as I've been increasing my awareness of and trying to let go my connection with stuff), but organizing, packing, and preparing it does rekindle memories of Korean classes and taekwondo belts gone by.

And so, my nose is to the grindstone (as it were), and my heart is in nostalgia-ville (visiting its cousins, the tear ducts, from sentimental-town). It's a process. Ever circular, but ever forward. Especially circular as the woman whose job I took when I first arrived in Korea three years ago, Jane, landed in Korea yesterday to return to her old position. I believe I may return some of the things she gave me to their original owner (who'd have thunk it?).

I started this journey alone, with my cat and vague hopes for the future. I'm returning with a husband, another cat, a black belt in taekwondo, thousands of pictures, many more memories, and a lot of love and respect for a country that will now always be another "home." Life can change a lot in three years, or not at all. In the end, it's not what happens to you--it's who you are.

Enjoy some pictures of the students I can't write about or I'll start crying:

English Theater Festival at 외고 2010

Some Pictures from our Rafting Trip

On Independence day, Min Gi, Min Su, In Shil, and I went rafting on the Nakdong river and then toured around the countryside a bit. In Shil (the daughter of a professional photographer, as it turns out) sent us these photos she took of our trip! Also, some from the rafting company. See the full album below (some of the pictures are very silly...)


We're all suited up and ready to begin our rafting journey. (Notice that we get the most colorful raft... I was very happy about this).


Sneaking a kiss at a village that has been around for 500 years.

Bonghwa Rafting Trip

Man, it's going to be hard to say goodbye to my family here... I'm already dreading next week (It's my last full week with all of the students I teach...)

Goryeong Picnic with Min Gi's Family

Ohmma, me, Min Gi, In Shil, Min Su at a mountaintop shelter.

A few weeks ago (June 13, I believe), Min Gi's brother drove all of us out to the small town just west of Daegu called Goryeong, known for being an important district called Daegaya during the three-kingdom period of Korean history.


We visited a pretty park with a man made waterfall and suspension bridge.

In Shil made a delightful picnic lunch (almost all vegetarian, in special honor of me... how sweet). We played racquetball and watched the children run around in the sprinklers. Later, we hiked up to the top of the waterfall, which was quite a feat for Ohmma, but she was sporting about the whole thing.


Jumping on the bridge, terrifying my husband, as his brother snaps a picture.

After that, we were quite tired, but we drove to a Daegaya theme park. We watched a martial arts dance show and learned about some different cultural elements of Daegaya. I would rather have visited the actual tombs up the road, but it was a pleasant afternoon.

See the rest of the photos:

Goryeong Picnic

Weekend and Q & A: Food Allergies; Spiders

I had a delightful weekend, although it was rainy off and on both days. On Saturday, I woke up early and had a nice little hike with my husband. Then a friend (Paige) and I went out to Ulsan to visit Hayoung (the Korean MC at our wedding) who has taken ill once more. We got lost for a bit and ate a lot of dairy-based junk food which made me roll around in pain for about two hours, vowing to go vegan as soon as the pain was relieved.

On Sunday, Min Gi and I awoke even earlier to meet Min Su and In Shil (the in-laws) for a trip out to the Bong-hwa area of the Nakdong river for three hours of rafting (I would hardly call it whitewater, though). Our guide was a Physical Education major at a university in Daegu (I didn't catch which one) who lamented the fact that he was single and then proceeded to entertain us like a gag-show comedian for three hours. We also dove off of very big rocks into the river, which was a little terrifying, but fun. We ate tiny freshwater fish (so much for veganism) and visited a 500 year old village famous for a kind of cookie that tasted like sugar-coated gingerbread. Min Su sent pictures to Min Gi that I will post in short order.

Now for more formspring fun.

If you have allergies and still refuse the food, are you offending them?

By "them" I'm going to assume you mean Koreans and that this is a follow-up to my previous comments about trying not to refuse food because it is considered rude. Refusing food in Korea is like refusing to shake someone's hand in a Western country. I recommend you try to explain why you are refusing the food--most will be understanding, but yes, you're probably going to offend some people. That's just the way the world works. You'll be seen as a weirdo and very unfriendly. At best, they'll dismiss it as a foreign oddity. At worst, you will permanently damage your professional relationship.

I'm lucky that Korea has a pretty high number of Buddhists and therefore at least a passing acceptance of vegetarianism, if not a clear understanding of what that always entails (and I admit my eating seafood is not helpful to future foreign vegetarians... sorry guys!) Still, I offend people by not eating meat, but it's just a few. For example, after one semester at my school, they hired a new nutritionist. I had been eating in the school cafeteria (a MUST DO for foreign teachers in Korea if you want to make nice with your co-workers), but the new nutritionist LOVES meat. Seriously, the woman puts meat in everything, even the rice. I was only eating once a week, but paying for all the meals, so I finally just said I couldn't do it anymore. It was ok because I'd already established myself at the school, but I can see hostility/resentment/confusion/curiosity about my absence from the cafeteria in newer teachers to the school. It does not send a positive message.

Most Koreans are overwhelmingly accommodating of my food limitations (and sensitive to the preferences/limitations of other foreigners--especially spicy food because they firmly believe foreigners cannot eat spicy food) because Koreans love food (really!) and want you to love their food, too. Hopefully your bosses and other people who have a serious influence on your life in Korea are going to be understanding. I really recommend not refusing anything for the first couple months, even if you don't eat it. Fake it. Eat the rice, but pick at everything else. Take it home and toss it out there. Accept a new food, but don't take a bite until later when you can confirm what's in it (Korean teachers do this all the time, so I assume it's ok).

If you have life threatening allergies, you can try to explain this to the teacher/co-worker who speaks the best English, but food allergies are not all that common here (even Koreans with an allergy to alcohol--which is a common allergy in Asians--will consume it and just deal with the bright red, blotchy face they get as a result). It's possible they won't really understand. I'm not saying eat a food that will send you to the hospital, but I am saying that you might have to work double time to repair cultural bridges.

Are there a lot of spiders in South Korea?

What an odd question. But I guess now that it's summer, I'm seeing more of all kinds of life here, including spiders.

I encounter spiders in Korea at about the same rate I encountered them in the U.S. (I lived near Washington, DC). There are very few in my house (because I have cats). There are more in the countryside and mountains than there are in the cities. Some have very pretty colors. Most are tiny and harmless. Spiders are called Keo-mi (거미) in Korean. Beyond that, I know nothing.

Keep the questions coming, guys.

Q & A: Meeting Taboos, Babies, Food

I feel like I should try to get an advice column, it's so much fun answering questions. Heehee. More from formspring:

What is the biggest NO NO you could do when meeting new people in Korea?

Essentially the same "no no"s you would find with human interactions everywhere--don't throw things, yell, frighten, shock, or embarrass them. If you trespass on Korean culture a bit, I find that Koreans are very forgiving of foreigners, especially if you've been in the country a short time. More forgiving than most expats I've met are of Koreans violating Western sensibilities (in Korea!!!), which is rather shocking since Westerners are supposedly more "open-minded."

One thing that Koreans do take rather personally (in my opinion) is the refusal of food. If someone offers you something to eat, you are being very rude not to take it, even if you're full or don't like it. Take it. Eat a bite. It probably won't kill you. (Although I draw the line at meat, dried squid, ojingo, and the roasted silkworm larvae, bondaeggi).

If you'll be here awhile, ask a lot of questions about how you "should" do things your first few months to learn the normative cultural interactions. Ask a variety of people. Imitate people of your same age and gender as much as you can. Try not to be confrontational until you've learned how to bring up differences of opinion in an appropriate way. And please don't be racist and judge all Koreans on the basis of the behavior of a few unsavory characters. I sure wouldn't want to be judged as an American based on Paris Hilton.

For teaching in schools, Jason of Kimchi Icecream had a great post about some of the more subtle interactions at the office/in the classroom for those new to Korea: Cultural Taboos and Native English Teachers in South Korean Public Schools.

Are you and your husband trying for kids? If so, what is it like having a baby in Korea?

Not at the moment. Moving to another country in two months with no jobs makes life too unstable for starting a family. My friend Gwen recently had her first baby here in Korea, though. She assures me that having a baby in Korea is pretty swell. Although take the attention and interference from ajummas that you got on a daily basis as a foreigner here and quadruple it if you walk around with a half-Korean baby.

There are a LOT of cultural ideals built up around birth and children in any culture, but remember that Korea is a land with a very low birthrate, despite the near-worship of motherhood and children, so they have more baggage than most countries. Also remember that within roughly three generations (by Western counting, meaning a 20-year generation difference, not the 10-year difference Koreans often use to refer to "generations") went from being like a third-world country to a fully developed one. Most 30-somethings here were born at home, not in hospitals. Many 50 and 60-somethings had siblings that died within the first few years of their lives. Koreans are not skeptical about gynecologists at all because they have LIVED what a big difference having medical access for births makes.

What foods do you miss the most living in Korea?

After being here for three years, not that much, really. I've adapted to what's available. I've learned to make (using some substitutions) most things I craved like hummus (though I would kill for some pita bread...yum!), burritos, and Indian-style curries. It can be hard to locate some ingredients and lacking an oven limits my cooking pretty substantially, but otherwise I don't feel the least bit deprived these days.

When I first got here, I found it hard to buy only seasonally available fruit (I can be kind of picky about fruit, but I've gotten better), to pay that much for real cheese and wine (only available at Costco... though now sometimes showing up at HomePlus and Emart), and having such a limited selection of pre-made sauces like salsa and spaghetti sauce. Also there is no diet coke, only coke zero and coke light and neither are really all that good.

Still... would kill for a really good traditional Mexican style restaurant in Daegu and will dance in the aisles with glee of Safeway, Whole Foods, and Trader Joe's at the availability of quality whole grain products.

Today did not go as I planned.

This morning, I thought I would go to school, have an easy day of watching my students take midterm exams, and then join my co-workers for a pleasant spring hike at Biseulsan. But that's not what fate had in store for me.

Well, the backache that Min Gi had on Sunday morning turned into a full-blown, crippling spasm that left him unable to move (or stand or sit or lie down for that matter) without excruciating pain. So I spent most of this afternoon and early evening watching my husband curled up in pain in a hospital waiting room (sometimes massaging his aching back to relieve some of the pain) while sick old people watched us wondering what the hell was the deal with the white girl and the young, doubled over Korean guy. The nurses played rock paper scissors so the loser would have to stammer progress updates at me in English (um... did the fact that I responded to you in Korean clue you in that it might be ok to talk to me in Korean?). So, yeah... that was fun.

He seems to be doing better now (mostly thanks to deep breathing and NOT to the hospital's refusal to dispense pain meds, despite the CT scan and x-ray showing that there is no apparent problem in his back so the doctor prescribed "rest" which one cannot get if they are unable to sleep due to the extreme pain). His brother drove me home and took some of his things back to the hospital.

I thought I might assuage my anger at the Korean medical community by watching Michael Moore's Sicko, but instead now I'm just mad at both America and Korea.

When I stop being mad at everyone and everything, I will post about the fabulous road trip we took to Jeollanam-do this weekend. It just might take a few days to cool off... In the meantime, I apologize for my negativity.

Remembering a Death.

Ten years later, it is still impossible to think about the death of a man--a boy--that changed my understanding of the world and all the people in it.

I wrote this piece for my senior seminar class in response to the question: Why did you become an English major? Although I read it aloud in class (which was a painful, tearful, thoroughly humiliating experience), I've been holding onto it since then and thinking about publishing it one day. Well... this being the tenth anniversary of Justin's death, I thought it might be appropriate to share it with you. Please forgive the walk down memory lane.

***

Apology: My experience as an English major at St. Mary’s College of Maryland cannot be separated from the life and death of my close friend Justin Bates, the eldest son of English professor Robin Bates. I am sorry if this makes the story I must tell somewhat inappropriate or uncomfortable for this classroom setting. I could lie, but that would be a disservice to me, Justin, the English major, and this assignment.

The Midwife to my Intellectual Birth

Sometimes I still see Justin on the paths around campus. He is tall and so blond that his hair might be white. His head is always upturned to the sky, as though he could pluck from the heavens the answers to yet another of his unanswerable dilemmas. I go to talk with him—tell him about my life and how it’s going and how I discovered Renaissance poetry and my joys and pains in the time since he has left me.

But when I get near enough, it is never Justin. It never will be Justin again.

***

We are gathered around a tiny table in lower Montgomery Hall, hunched over maroon volumes of Norton Anthology of British Literature 2. Justin is late again, so Becca and I have started looking at the poems assigned for tomorrow. Last week, we read Blake’s Songs of Innocence; today we are looking at the “Tyger”. We are not really talking about the poem. We are chatting of things that do not matter, like how we’ll go visit our boyfriends at fall break and how hungry we are.

Justin arrives and, after teasing him about giving him a thorough whomping with the heavy books on the table, we settle in to play with language. As we discuss it and read it over and over, the images begin to dance. The words are alive and we speak them over and over and something magical happens when we get to the part “Did he who make the lamb make thee?” and suddenly Justin exclaims loudly because the universe has opened up wide and a vision explodes in our heads. He has been struggling, studying, contemplating faith and Christianity and here it all is, beautifully summarized by Blake’s poetry.

His religion cannot be the innocent “Lamb,” because then he, as a flawed man could not ever participate in it. Neither is he satisfied with the cruel callousness of the religion in the fearsome “Tyger”. But together—a God gentle enough for a child and forgiving enough for a man but powerful enough to inspire awe and test humanity—that (at least in that one moment) is Justin’s God.

And mine too, though I do not believe in God. I think of it differently. Nevertheless, in the moment that I am one with the poem and with the language and nature and religion, I know I will end up being an English major in college.

***

I go down to visit the river, past the graveyard where many I have never known lay buried. The summer sky is threatening rain. I would welcome such a breaking storm. There are the words I sought: “He is made one with nature. There is heard/ His voice in all her music, from the moan/ Of thunder, to the song of night’s sweet bird;/ He is a presence to be felt and known/ In darkness and in light, from herb and stone.” Perhaps once Shelley wrote them for Keats, but I imagine they are written about my friend whose memorial they adorn. His presence in me is felt and known.

The storm breaks. Heavy rains pour over me and I am new-baptized. I converse with Shelley about Justin and write his name on the water that dragged him under one year ago. I scream at the storm. I demand my dead friend back again that I might tell him all the things I never finished saying to him… and all the new things I have discovered.

I wonder if Justin is where he thought he would be. I believe he is. In a heaven that I do not believe in. I suppose it is odd for me to believe he is sitting up there in a heaven with a God and a Christ I do not believe in. So I begin to speak with God.

I remind him first that I do not believe in him. Therefore, I feel it necessary to explain why I am speaking with an entity I do not believe in, and I tell him of Aristotle’s demonstration of the universal human ability to recognize geometric figures. Mathematics is like God. How many of us have seen a perfect sphere? Yet we all know what that is and can see it just as easily as if it were sitting right in front of us. Oh, there are “spheres” in the world that we can use to assist our imaginations in constructing the object in our minds, but they are not perfect with all the mathematical properties we equate with spheres.

Geometry exists only in our minds… and yet, somehow it reaches beyond all of the individual selves and transcends many minds… all minds. It is within entirely, and yet it is more than any individual human. So I explain to God why I speak with him and how I know him to exist, without believing in him.

Religion, well Christian religion, is the opposite of nature. So how then do the words that Justin is made one with nature provide comfort when I would rather he be one with his religion? Perhaps in death nature and religion meet more uniformly.

The rain has stopped. I go back inside and go to sleep.

***

Reading Sidney’s Astrophil and Stella in Spring and contemplating the act of writing, specifically my own, I happen upon a poem. “You take wrong ways, those far-fet helps be such/ As do bewray a want of inward touch,” Sidney writes.

These words… this poem… it is written to me. I know academically and intellectually that Sidney, 500 years ago, could not possibly have been sitting at his writing desk imagining such a mind as my own for which he must write this poem, but yet I imagine… no, I more than imagine, I KNOW… that this poem is written for me. My life, my work… I am the one “running in rattling rows”.

I cry out for Sidney and beat my own chest and ravenously try to gulp all of the language down at once. Other poems offer some comfort for the personal flaws he attacked in Sonnet 15, but not enough. I think he understands me, though. Both he and I… we cannot choose but write our minds, and we cannot choose but put out what we write.

Writing is passion and compulsion. It is beautiful and deadly. It holds power, and yet is nothing more than markings on a page.

***

At last, I understood why Justin thought it dangerous to continue our study group after that first semester. But I suppose he discovered things more dangerous than words. Me, I still love words and the sort of cathartic, intensely personal connection with poetry that he and I both could experience is how he lives on in me.

Min Gi is on TV

Last week at Asurajang, our friend Jinju showed up with camera in tow. Apparently, her husband is being profiled for a kind of documentary show because he is an "early adapter" which is Konglish for a techie geek--someone who buys the latest technology and writes manuals and reviews online to let other people know about the advantages and flaws of a product. The documentary contrasts Jinju and her husband with an old couple in the Korean countryside who live without much technology of any kind. Anyhow, several members of my swing club, including Min Gi, were interviewed for the program.

You can watch the program here (it does open up a video program on your computer so if your security settings are really high, you might not be able to see it). At around 24:43 the section about the swing dance club begins, and at 26:08 you can see my husband joking around that Jinju's phone number changes so often that he has two numbers stored in his phone for her, but whenever she calls him, a new number pops up and he doesn't know who is calling (this was related to the profile where Jinju was complaining a bit about her husband often changing her phone). You can also see my friends Leah (the only white person in the interview) and Jina as well as some of Joey (Leah's husband) dancing with Jinju. In the background of some shots are other folks I know and love dearly.

Well, enjoy!

Wednesday Review #4

British travel writer Simon Winchester decides to visit Korea in the spring of 1987, just before the Seoul summer Olympics brought the infant democracy and rapidly growing economic powerhouse of Korea to the attention of the world. He follows the path (on foot)traversed by some unfortunate, shipwrecked and then imprisoned Dutch men in the seventeenth century from their wreck site on Jeju island, up along the western coast of the country and on to the Joseon capitol in Seoul. Captain Hendrik Hamel wrote of the sailors' struggles and travels, bringing the hermit kingdom to the attention of the Western world for the first time.

Winchester is an evocative writer. He possesses the talent of capturing characters and giving them an easy voice so that you feel as if you are traveling along with him. His research is also impressive, but effortlessly woven into the narrative. I was especially impressed with his passages on the Gwangju Massacre, as I had heard about the incident, but obviously it is much more distant in memory in 2010 than it would have been 23 years earlier.

This book shook me out of the blase attitude I had begun to effect regarding the country that I now call home. Although my life in Korea has become more "normal," he has revived my interest in travel around the countryside and given me some new places I want to visit. The book was a bit of a time capsule, considering that in 1987, South Korea still had a de facto military dictatorship and barbed wire fences along its coastline to prevent a Communist invasion. However, some things about Korean culture remain stubbornly and steadfastly the same.

The one thing I did not enjoy all that much were his (numerous) encounters with prostitutes. Although there is no denying the sex industry's ubiquitous presence in modern day Korea.

Winchester's Korea is one of drama, of melancholy, of change. It is an interesting, sentimental, and fairly balanced little portrait of one of my favorite cultures.

Jack of All Trades

My husband is on a mission to find out what his true passion is.

After being a computer programmer for a contracting company to Samsung (and getting fed up with the extensive hours and Korean work culture) and then owning his own networking/computer repair business until the world economic crisis dried up contracts, he's decided he no longer wants to do anything with computers for his career. For awhile, he thought he might want to own a bar or restaurant, so he had taken a job as a bartender and that's how I met him, but he's since realized that it's a pretty unhealthy lifestyle. About a year ago, he happened into a nine month contract as a temp for the Department of Labor which brought him a steady salary doing data entry and site visits, but he quit that job so he could take enough time off for the wedding preparations and then our honeymoon.

Although he is now picking up odd jobs with friends, this has left him with a lot of free time. He has started filling it with new hobbies.

One day I came home and was greeted with the question, "What do you think about wire art?"

"Wire art?"

"Yes." He shows me some pictures online. "I want to learn how to make it. I ordered a book about it!"

"Sounds great, honey."

A week later, I find Min Gi on the floor of our bedroom with beads and earring backs and pliers surrounding him. He is making jewelry. Over the next few weeks, he repairs my two broken necklaces and makes three new pairs of earrings for me. Thank you, honey.

"I found a soccer club that meets on Tuesday nights near our apartment!"

"Great, hon!" And let me kiss the knee you've scraped up.

Next, he begins visiting the library every day to read about American culture and study English. He even gets his first library card. He is very proud of this (and rightfully so... library cards are AWESOME). Let's read together, honey.

This weekend he announces that a mutual friend of ours has offered to teach him to play the guitar.

"But you don't have a guitar."

"He has an extra one that he will let me borrow."

After one lesson this Saturday, our house has been filled nonstop with the irregular strums of a beginning guitarist. You're doing so well for just two days, honey!

He hasn't found it quite yet, but at this rate, I'm pretty sure he'll figure out what it is that he truly loves doing. Or at least we'll both be entertained...

I love this man.

My True Loves (Sunday Health #2)

I've been a little unfocused this week. Lately, I've become obsessed with simple living and minimalist blogs (I will be doing a review post of my favorites soon). I think it's because I'm nervous as heck about the cost of living in the Washington, DC area coupled with school district budget cuts which slash my chances of finding a good job when I return home. Anyhow, they've convinced me to take the plunge and make some steps towards minimalism, which actually ties in nicely to my new focus on health.

One of the first things any and all minimalism practitioners will tell you is that you have to focus on the things you truly love, your passions, and then cut out everything else that is unnecessary. It sounds simple, but I'm a dabbler. Actually if I could cheat and say "Engaging in lots of different things," I would, but I know that's too vague for this activity. It took me the better part of an hour to pare down my many hobbies/interests to my five true loves (and it required me to make a list of 6-10 strong likes that I will allow myself to do if all of the first five areas in my life are completely fulfilled at that moment--or as part of fulfilling one of the five true passions). Here are my five:

1) Spending quality time with my loved ones (Min Gi, my family, certain friends who are practically family).
2) Maximizing my health (includes cooking, exercise, and proper rest).
3) Teaching (I love it, and it's my career that will support our family in the years to come).
4) Writing (I can't not write. I've tried--it makes me anxious. But more than that, I really want to write books one day and if I don't make this the priority it really should be in my life right now, I'll never do that).
5) Reading high-quality material (It's my go-to entertainment. I include here both books and online reading--though I am trimming the latter category significantly because some of what I read online is not really fulfilling).

That's it. Those are really my five true loves. My #6-10 cheating back-up "lusts" are:

6) Travel
7) Theater
8) Volunteering
9) Dance
10) Language study (especially Korean)

Here's the thing... I knew these before (everyone with a touch of self-awareness knows their passions without having to think too much about it), but it surprised me when I realized how much I really love exercising and cooking healthy meals. I thought it was just something I did because I was supposed to, but no... I really am happiest when I am being physically active and eating delicious vegetables. Currently, taekwondo is my favorite way to be active, but I also like other movement (most notably hiking, swimming, and dancing). This is kind of shocking for someone who never did any sports in middle or high school.

What's more... I realized that I absolutely do not prioritize my life around the things that make me happiest and most fulfilled. I mean, sure, I think about these things nonstop, but when it comes down to the daily grind of choices I make all the time, I often choose a mindless or pointless activity, such as watching TV, getting caught up in the politics/ridiculousness of a situation over which I have no control, or reading crappy things on the internet that piss me off rather than really interest me, instead of one of my favorite things. So both of my health goals/habits to change this week are rooted in pursuing simplicity and embracing minimalism. They are: 1) to spend as much time as possible pursuing the five passions and start cutting out everything else and 2) to clean, organize and trim my possessions down to less STUFF getting in the way. (And continuing with my previous goals, all of which are going very well, and have resulted in another 0.5kg/1lb loss as well as a peaceful, happy state of mind).

I think pursuing #1 is about little things--the choices we make every moment. For example, walking to the subway instead of taking the bus lets me get more exercise and read (reading on the bus is impossible, on the subway--it's easy); choosing to go to swing dance only when Min Gi or other good friends do because that means I'm spending time with him and exercising more; writing in my blog instead of watching a downloaded TV show.

Today I managed to do this very well. I spent the day with Min Gi's family in Pohang. When we got home, I was tired, but rather than get on my computer and watch Season 3 of Ugly Betty or read a blog I hate (yes, I do this), I suggested to my husband that we go for a hike on the mountain behind our house. We were both thrilled! And I was feeling tired before the hike and wanted to go out for dinner and blow the progress I'd been making on being healthy, but the mountain air re energized me (as did the good conversation,) and we decided instead to have an omurice cooking "contest" for dinner (each of us prepare an omurice, a Korean dish that wraps vegetable fried rice in an omelet, in our own styles and then enjoy the results together--teasing each other about who did a better job). It was wonderful (both the food and the company). And we may have developed a new Sunday ritual for us. Bonus!

한국어 화요일 (Korean Tuesday)

Note: I am not giving this to a Korean speaker before publishing it on my blog.

신혼여행할때 여보와 한국어 가끔 말했다. 요즘, 저는 연습 못해서 제 한국어 진짜 나쁘다 (여러분 보일수있다). 하지만, 한국어말하기 아주 재미있고 한국사람과 결혼했기 때문에 중요하다. 그래서, 지금 우리집에서 화요일에는 한국어만 사용하다.

What I was trying to say: While Min Gi and I were on our honeymoon, we sometimes spoke Korean. These days, I don't practice, so my Korean is very bad (You all can see). But, speaking Korean is fun and, because I am married to a Korean person, important. So, now in our house we use only Korean on Tuesdays.

***

I will also be trying to write a bit of my Tuesday blog in Korean, to keep in the spirit of studying. I keep another study notebook and journal for practice because I really don't need to prove to the world what a complete failure I am at learning languages. However, I will try to be brave and publish some small pieces on Tuesdays.

I'm quite rusty, so please have some patience with me. Min Gi is very patient, which helps. He wants to have a penalty for speaking in English on Tuesday, but he hasn't decided what that penalty will be (oh no!). So far today, we've both forgotten twice, but then we go back to speaking in Korean--so no penalties thus far. It is working as an inspiration for studying. I'm making some flashcards tonight!

Tonight I also return to my old TKD studio, An Il. The commute is ridiculous (like an hour subway, and 15 min walking on each end), but I've come to realize that I just enjoy Sa Beom Nim as an instructor and value my relationship with him and his wife and kids too much not to spend some time with them my last six months here. I will use the time on the subway to keep up with my reading goals and, hopefully, earn my second degree belt before I leave.

As for honeymoon (and more wedding--yes, I'm really late on those) pictures and posts, they're coming! I've started the process of combing through my 1500 photos from the last two weeks. Today was the first day back at school (both chaotic and easy and I don't want to blog about it at all), so I'm back in a normal schedule which should allow me to make better progress on all my current goals. However, I'm also losing my house husband as Min Gi is going back to work later this week or early next week. My dishes will be a bit less sparkling and my lunch breaks substantially less amusing, but there will be a bit more money for the new laptop he needs to buy (his old one is pretty much dead) and saving for the big move in August.

Seollal with my new family

Today was Valentine's Day, yes, but it was also the Korean Lunar New Year (설날), which is one of the two most important holidays in this country. Usually Koreans will travel to their hometowns, to the "Big House" (큰집) which is the house of the oldest male relative of the family. In Min Gi's case, this is his uncle's house, although his uncle passed away even before Min Gi's father did, so now his "big" aunt (KeunOhmma, 큰엄마)--the widow of his "big" uncle (큰아버지)--lives there alone. His two cousins and their wives and children were at the house from early in the morning, but before we went to the house, Min Gi wanted me to meet his father.

Min Gi pours out soju to honor his father and uncle.

Korean family graves are usually in the mountains and feature a small mound of grass with a small stone or grass altar space in front of the mound. Every year children (or grandchildren) go to their ancestors' mounds and clean them--cut the grass and place small tokens honoring the dead--usually around Chuseok. At Seollal, there is no need because in winter time the grass is dead. We bowed to his uncle and to his father. He also explained to me that when KeunOhmma and Ohmma pass, they will be buried next to their husbands.

In Shil throws the Yutnori sticks.

After visiting the grave, we went to the Big House and ate a lot of food (I think this is pretty universal for holidays that aren't about fasting). After lunch, we watched the Olympics for a bit and bowed to KeunOhmma and Ohmma (and received money from them). Then the highlight of the afternoon--we used the money for betting on Yutnori. Yutnori is a traditional Korean board game played with four sticks that you throw to determine how you move around the board. It's very silly and dramatic. We split up into teams: the Seongju relatives (KeunOhmma and the cousins and their wives) and the Daegu relatives (Ohmma, Min Soo, In Shil, Min Gi, and me).

Min Gi gets really excited and throws his sticks wildly.

We played four times. Although the Seongju relatives won the first game, we got the next three. The last game was particularly dramatic, swaying wildly back and forth with who was ahead throughout. Finally, Ohmma threw three perfect throws that ensured us the win.

Ohmma dancing with joy over winning.

Check out the album for pictures of some framed photos of Min Gi's grandparents and father, as well as more Yutnori action:

Seollal and Yutnori in Seongju

Lacking Words.

After the ceremony, the family picture.

When I lack the words in English to adequately express the emotions that surround the events of my wedding and the merging of families, how will I ever hope to thank the people who have moved me with their kindness, their acceptance, their generosity, and their love in their native tongue?