Finances in Korea: 3 years later...

Many young people from the U.S. (and Canada and England and Australia and New Zealand and South Africa) select South Korea for their ESL teaching adventure because it promises a decent financial payout: relatively high salaries for a relatively low cost of living with lots of perks (free air or a bonus in lieu of air, cheap health care and low taxes, free housing or housing allowance, severance "bonus" every year, refund of pension money, proximity to other popular travel destinations in Asia, etc.). While I took a substantial pay cut to come here, for many others money was the name of the game.

Although my main reason for coming to Korea had very little to do with money, I decided to see how I've done the last three years and whether my decision to live here for the last three years was half the "win" financially as it has been personally.

In the U.S., as a teacher, I made between $36,000 (first year, straight out of school) and $43,000 (my third year with some extra duties like yearbook and after school test classes a couple days a week). Now, I would make more (depending on the district I chose and how much of my Korean experience they count probably between $50K and $60K) because I have completed my master's degree. Of course, this is assuming I can find a job in the current market... which may not be possible.

In Korea, I've made between a little less than $20,000 (my second year when the exchange rate for the won went crazy) to a little under $30,000--these figures are including housing calculated out as part of the salary, yearly bonuses and plane tickets, and extra classes/duties at school as part of that figure. I did not do private lessons (illegal for most ESL teachers here, but still common), which could have substantially increased my earnings here in Korea. I also chose jobs for reasons other than salary. I was offered substantially more by other schools, but chose the schools I did for personal and professional reasons. I'm saying earnings-wise, I could have done better if I'd cared to.

So in those three years, what have I accomplished financially? I dug up my old money file from June 2007 to see.

+ $20,000 less debt, including NO MORE credit card debt
+ Retirement accounts worth approximately the same--which considering I couldn't contribute to them at all since 2008 (no U.S. income) and the market crash in that time, that's a small miracle I wasn't even expecting
+ Getting married--paying cash for our 150ish person wedding was pretty awesome
+ Relocating to a new country with a cat
+ Two lovely vacations to Southeast Asia--my solo trip to Vietnam and the honeymoon to Cambodia and Thailand
+ Two trips back to the U.S., one for three weeks that included Min Gi (who did pay for his own plane ticket)
+ A great deal of travel within Korea
+ Getting a U.S. permanent resident visa (green card!) for my husband (not cheap!)

By the time both my husband and I arrive back in the U.S., we will be able to add the following:

+ Relocating to the U.S. with 2 people and 2 cats
+ Another $500 less debt or so
+ A 4-day, 3-night trip to Jeju-do (Korea's Hawaii... so they like to say)
+ Emergency cash savings of about $7,500-$10,000, pretty dependent on the exchange rate over the next few months

Considering that I've also had a major hospitalization in that time, I'd say that's pretty much a "win" all in all. Especially considering that I only really started "trying" to be more frugal a little over a year ago when we decided to get married (I'd always wanted to be debt free when I got married... I did not achieve that goal, but I didn't do too badly).

I've been pretty focused the last few months on the negatives of my financial picture (still owe a shocking amount of student loan debt and expect to be unemployed in the U.S. for a substantial and indeterminate amount of time, therefore lacking in health insurance, independent living space--yup, we're living with the 'rents for a bit, and forcibly delaying our desire to start a family until we're a bit more stable), that I've completely ignored the fact that I've managed to pay off so much debt and do so many things I never thought I'd be able to "afford" in the last three years.

With the larger salary in the U.S. (once I finally get a job!), I can probably pay down my debt a little faster, so I have a goal of being free of grad school debt within two years of gainful employment (the undergrad loan being at 1.65% interest, it seems silly to pay that off as quickly when I'd also like to have a bigger emergency fund, starting a family nest egg, and some savings for Min Gi to start his own business when we return to Korea in 4-5 years).

If you've been reading this blog, you already know what a "win" Korea was for me in the personal development and growth area... but until I sat down and crunched the numbers, I hadn't really appreciated how much of a win it was financially, too.

What You Missed in May

As I said in my last post, I've been failing to blog much this month. I've been on two road trips with Min Gi, which I plan to post about each separately over the next couple days, but also other stuff's been going on while I was preparing all these papers and dealing with Min Gi's injured back...

--After a night in the hospital, Min Gi took about two weeks to recover. This was the hardest part of our married life to date (although not nearly so trying as my two-week long hospitalization and several month recovery of last year). It's harder on us if Min Gi is sick because he is the natural extrovert. Usually he deals with this by going out with his friends a couple nights a week, but during this time he was pretty confined to the house with me (introverted me who works at an extrovert's job and needs my downtime) as his only social outlet. Also, paying for the hospital bill made us deal with the fact that we haven't yet fully combined our resources (we're kind of waiting until the U.S. to do this for several reasons) which made us have our first two money fights--ew! Thankfully, we've figured out that we were fighting mostly because each of us thought the other needed money and we were worried because we each only have enough for ourselves until America. However, as he now fondly declares, his "back is back!"

Look--I'm a real 아줌마 now--I've made cucumber kimchi (오이 소박이)!
--I continue learning new Korean recipes. And now, I've made my first kimchi! I followed this recipe, mostly (I like fresher kimchi, so I only let it sit out for two hours and I used 4 large cucumbers cut into quarters, instead of 10 small pickling ones), with some help from online youtube videos.

--We took the cats to the vet for their rabies vaccine as part of the preparation for their journey to America. Saja was fine, but Princess took quite ill from the stress and the shot and threw up for three hours, even some blood during the last bit. We were very worried, but she turned out just fine.

Cousin waves from Gomo's headquarters in Sangju
--It's election season. Everywhere we look, there are women dancing on cars with loudspeakers blaring the virtues of their particular candidate. Min Gi and I took a trip to visit Gomo, who is running for office in the small town of Sangju, to offer our support.

--All the stress from stuff this month has made me go WAAAAY off my health goals, but I'm finding my way back. My new thing is being a vegan every other day. So far, I like it.

--Julian, who took our wedding photos at the temple, sent us his photos from the wedding and the party that followed. Check out the album, if you like:

Wedding Ceremony & Party at Asurajang (Julian)

The Wedding Ceremony

Yes, I realize this is more than two months after the fact. Sorry.

Our swing dance club, Asurajang (아수라장--it means "messy place" in Korean), was the site of our ceremony and buffet. The lighting is just awful, but our friend Juno managed a few decent photos:


Of course, the photo session at the nearby Buddhist Temple during the day by our friend Julian turned out much better.

We had a 25-minute, completely bilingual/bicultural ceremony. Our Aussie friend Leah and Korean friend Hayoung serving as bilingual MCs. The ceremony consisted of a dance performance by my sister to Leona Lewis's "Bleeding Love", a speech from each of our younger brothers that left us a bit weepy, a bowing ceremony to my parents and Min Gi's mother and cousin (the oldest male relative), reading our vows (written by me, translated by Ju-ick) to each other in Korean and English, and then a dance performance from Min Gi and I to "I Love You More Today Than Yesterday," choreographed by our friend Gong-Bi.

After the Korean buffet dinner (which was cheaper catered at the club than a less yummy meal would have been at a wedding hall), there was a swing dance party on one floor, and drinking/toasting relatives on the buffet floor. Min Gi and I only lasted until about 10 p.m., but good times were had by all.

We got to share our day with so many friends and family members that although it seemed over so quickly (compared to the amount of time we spent planning), it remains forever in our memories and hearts. I cannot thank our guests, family, and friends enough--who all supported us in various ways, from assisting with the decorations to taking pictures, gratis, to showing my family around Daegu and Seoul. I'm still all misty and emotional just thinking about it.

Hello Honeymoon!

I write this as I wait in the Incheon airport for our flight to Siem Reap. Hooray! Min Gi and I will be on our honeymoon to various places in Cambodia and Thailand for the next two weeks, so updates will likely be a bit inconsistent.

I'm jumping up and down with excitement. Seriously, the French couple next to me is giving me strange looks. Min Gi just laughs. That's good.

Wedding Day Pictures!

The venue we chose for our wedding was the poorly-lit swing dance club, Asurajang, where we regularly boogie on Saturday nights. It was a great choice to match our personalities and the casual, fun style of our wedding, but it was not at all conducive to photography. We asked our wonderful friend and excellent photographer, Julian, to accompany our families up to Donghwasa for some frozen wedding photography the morning of the ceremony. It was cold and there was snow everywhere--parts of the temple were even closed off because of hazardous conditions, but Julian managed to pull it off, beautifully.






See more:

Posed Wedding Photos, at Donghwasa

Immigrating to the U.S.A.

Please note: This entry is for information purposes only. I am not an immigration attorney or any kind of expert on the matter. This is our story, but your circumstances will likely be different.

Min Gi and I are planning the big move back to the U.S. at the end of this contract (in August). This is not a permanent move for us (I love life as an expat), but a choice we're making because at this time, I want to be near my family for a few years and I want Min Gi to get to know my culture the way I've gotten to know his. Additionally, the next time I (now we) go abroad, I plan to do so by teaching in International Schools, not EFL. If I had been smarter, that's the way I would have done it the first time around--a better job for better pay in more countries... but I do not regret the past two and half years in Korea in the least.

Since we planned to live in the U.S. for two years, we did some reading and realized that there is really no such thing as a nonimmigrant visa for spouses (ok, there IS, but they assume you'll apply for a Permanent Resident Card or "green card" as soon as possible). Yes, the U.S. government is arrogant enough to assume that anyone who wants to live there for a period of time automatically wants to live there forever and become a citizen. Fortunately, we recently realized that Korea might change its mind about allowing dual citizenship, so it might actually be worth it for us to go through this process now anyhow, but that's just an added bonus.

Thanks to some very helpful conversations with Amanda, who went through this process recently in the U.S., and J.R., who went through the U.S. embassy in Korea as we are now doing, we've managed to proceed pretty far in the whole complicated mess of U.S. immigration, so I thought I'd take the opportunity to update you all and share some invaluable resources to help you through it, if you're drowning in the tidal wave of bureaucracy.

If you are trying to get your Korean spouse a Permanent Resident Card, you have two options, based on where you live. If you are currently in the U.S., you go through a Change of Status (COS). If you live in Korea, then you might be eligible for the much speedier, more convenient, and cheaper direct consular filing (DCF) process (note in countries not as friendly with the U.S. or with more sham/mail-order marriages, the DCF process may not be any easier or less complicated than COS). Fortunately, Min Gi and I qualify to apply from Korea.

I started by purchasing and reading the book Fiance & Marriage Visas: A Couple's Guide to U.S. Immigration by Ilona Bray, J.D. The book is thorough, up-to-date and gives advice like an immigration lawyer would. Since our immigration is rather uncomplicated (neither of us have kids or were married before, he's never lived in the U.S. before or entered the country illegally or overstayed a visa, and neither of us have any exclusionary conditions, like being a criminal or having AIDS) we decided to go it alone, without legal representation.

My next stop was to read everything available on the U.S. Embassy in Korea's website about getting married in Korea and obtaining family visas. I also read the success story of another couple who went through Korea's DCF on the supportive website for people dealing with this process, visajourney.com. We started gathering all the forms and talking openly with my parents about what we need from them since before we visited them this last July/August. Information and advance planning are power!

Turns out the kind of visa we will apply for is CR-1 or a conditional resident visa. Conditional because we've been married less than two years. That means we'll need to submit more paperwork two years after moving to the U.S. What we've done so far:

January 6, 2010: We got married through the U.S. embassy and the Korean district office in Seoul. This was rather easy to do, even though we made a mistake on the forms and had to make a couple extra trips back and forth. One piece of advice: Make sure your Korean fiance has the names and government ID numbers of two family members willing to vouch for you (like witnesses). Technically, they are supposed to be there to sign it, but I think if they're family, just the information will do. Min Gi called the district office twice to ask about this and both times they said you don't need it, but of course when we got there, they said we did. Cost: US $90 payable to the embassy: cash (dollars or won) or US credit card.

February 1, 2010: We had made an online appointment to file form I-130 Petition for Alien Relative and the required biographical forms G-325A for each of us.
Submitted materials:

--Form I-130
--Form G-325A for each of us
--Passport-style photos of each of us
--My passport and a photocopy
--His passport and a photocopy
--My Korean Alien Resident Card (ARC) and a photocopy (I forgot the photocopy and it was ok)
--My birth certificate and a photocopy
--Our marriage certificate (from the US Embassy-ha!) and a photocopy
--Three documents from the Korean Family Census Register: Certificate of Kinship, Certificate of Marriage, and Certificate of Personal Records and photocopies
--Translations for the above (Min Gi found a blog that had good translations here.)
--A signed statement verifying the translations (We had our friend Leah do this. Min Gi thought we should get it notarized, but the fee was a lot, and I was certain it was unnecessary. Since our copies were not notarized, the embassy kept the original Family Census Registers, so we had to get new copies from the government office, but they're only $1 each; the notarization fees were around $40 per paper)
--Fee for filing: $355 (426,000won) payable in Korean or US cash only.

Although the website said that I could file the papers at the embassy alone, it was good Min Gi came with me because he had to fill out a paper about his contact information. Lo and behold, three days later he was e-mailed packet 3.5 and told to apply for a visa appointment.

We applied for the visa appointment and requested a date in May when I wouldn't have classes. They granted us one of those days! Our appointment is scheduled for May 27, 2010 at 8 a.m. We could almost certainly have gotten an earlier appointment if we weren't picky about dates or if we were in a rush. We also completed and mailed the first part of form DS-230, conveniently available in a dual language form, so that they could start his background check prior to the interview.

We have more documents to gather before the interview (most notably some "bona fides" that prove our marriage is real and the Affidavit of Support showing we won't be on the government's dime when we move to the U.S.). Min Gi also has to get a medical exam ($150 and requiring a trip to Busan for him) and his police record. We will also have to pay another $400 for the interview fee (yes, this process is a tad pricey). However, overall the U.S. embassy has been efficient, kind, and helpful in the whole process and our advance planning has allowed us to squeeze all of this work into just a couple hours a week so it's been quite manageable.

I'll update you about the interview itself after it is completed. I hope, for those of you undergoing or considering this process, that this post was somewhat helpful. And for those of you who like to complain about the E-2 visa process for Korea, maybe you'll realize just how lucky you have it. Because the work visa process for the U.S. is not all that different or less expensive than the process I've described here.

Seoul in the Snow

My family enjoyed their time in Seoul, even with the huge amounts of snow that made the sidewalks a bit treacherous.

Dad and Mom in Insa-dong.

My brother and my husband bought couple rings. No kidding.

First picture after being legally married, across from the U.S. embassy.

My family is a United Colors of Benetton ad. I swear.

Check out the full album, which includes many pictures of my sister being goofy and meeting up with friends:

Seoul in the Snow

63 Building in the Snow.

In Seoul, my best friend from high school Anne who visited back in March, met us at the train station. 고모 (Gomo) and Cousin's Husband (who had been our guides around Sangju) met us in Seoul with a large passenger van to transport us all around the city. We all stayed in the President Hotel because another of Min Gi's cousin works as a chef at the western restaurant there. It was pretty nice, but overpriced if we hadn't gotten a huge family discount.

Everyone was exhausted from the snow travel, so they all took naps, but Anne and I had energy, so we decided to go find the 63 Building on Yeoido, an island in the middle of the Han River that runs through the middle of Seoul.

The very tall 63 building.

Inside, we got tickets for three exciting exhibits:

The Aquarium (Later I ate him for dinner).
The Wax Museum, featuring Salvador Dali and a scary haunted house where one of the workers followed us around in a Gorilla costume.
And the top deck where we viewed beautiful city snowscapes, such as this one and then night views as the sun set.

To check out the rest of the photos from our wacky adventures, look at the album:

63 Building

After coming back, some family members were getting ill, so Gomo and Cousin's Husband took Anne, Min Gi, Dad, and I out to an octopus restaurant. We watched a live octopus get dropped in a pot of boiling water and then ate it. It was delicious and mildly disturbing, and I really wish I'd taken a video.

Lacking Words.

After the ceremony, the family picture.

When I lack the words in English to adequately express the emotions that surround the events of my wedding and the merging of families, how will I ever hope to thank the people who have moved me with their kindness, their acceptance, their generosity, and their love in their native tongue?

Family visit to Gyeongju.

For the wedding, my mom, dad, brother Brian, and sister Sarah flew out on January 1 and stayed until January 11. For Mom, it was her first time in Asia. For Dad and Brian, it was their first visit to Korea. Koreans have a hard time believing me when I tell them I'm the shortest person in my family (as I am fairly tall for a female, somewhere between 5'8" and 5'9" depending on how much I'm slouching), but it's true. So the clan of giants descended upon Korea to meet Min Gi's family and generally learn about their new member's culture.

Our first stop, mere days after they landed, was a trip to Gyeongju.

In front of Bulguksa. (Left to Right: Me, Brian, Sarah, Dad, Mom, Min Gi)

Sarah, Min Gi, and Brian rub the golden pig for good luck. Or pick its snout. Whatever suits.

Min Gi and I take advantage of a momentary walking break to practice our choreography for the big day.

After the temple, we meet his oldest aunt and some cousins for yummy soup with tofu and mushrooms.

The only downside to the whole day was that Min Soo, In Shil, and Ohmma were to accompany us, but Ohmma got very, very sick on the ride out to Gyeongju, so Min Soo took her home early. (Don't worry! She got better the next day.) However, this forced Dad and I to have a fun train adventure home since there wasn't enough room in the car for the ride back. Highly entertaining. Check out the rest of the photos:

Bulguksa with the family

More to come about family and friend adventures in Seoul during the biggest snowstorm that city has experienced in more than 30 years!

2009 Kinda Sucked... 2010 Is Looking Up.

Mostly due to health issues, I only half accomplished my goals for this year. I did get my Master's. I do eat healthier. I would be out of consumer debt if I wasn't getting married, hadn't already paid for the honeymoon tickets, and hadn't had to visit the hospital in October. However, I'm much closer to being debt-free than I was last year, even with those expenses. The other goals have had progress made, some more, some less.

This year, I have a lot on my plate, so I'm keeping it pretty simple.

1. Obtain proper visa so that Min Gi and I can move back to America in August/September.
2. Get a decent job in America.
3. Be consumer debt free and pay off the smallest of the three school loans (with the highest interest rate).
4. Health stuff: a) Get my strength back by training 3-6 days/week b) Get the second degree belt in taekwondo after returning to training full time in March c) Eat out 3 or fewer times per week (including ordering in) because I eat more vegetables and healthier food when I cook.
5. Raise at least $7,500 for the Kenyan NGO where Min Gi and I would like to volunteer in summer 2011.
6. Have an awesome first year of marriage (starting January 9)!

I have some other things I'd like to accomplish in my Korean language studies, dance, and my writing, but I think these are the best goals for me at this time.

In less than a month...

...I'll be married! WIth that, my family's impending visit, and the closing of the school year (and all the winter camp scheduling madness), my to-do list is completely insane.

The good news? Today, having been off the prednisone for a few days, my doctor declared me officially in remission and wished me a happy wedding (he's been invited and may attend) and my next appointment is not for a whole month--woohoo!

I'm starting to feel back to my normal self energy-wise (although it's still disappointing to have lost so much of my athletic abilities and strength) and my face is a little less circular (although the depression and prednisone food cravings have caused a very minor weight gain, but I'm kicking that down as quick as I can; may not be the goal weight for the wedding, but certainly will be for the honeymoon... yay for beaches in Cambodia and Thailand!).

And now to bed so that I can get everything done!

Pre-wedding discussions.

"How many kids do you want to have?"

He thinks about this a minute. "Well... I don't know if my brother will have kids, so we should have more than two."

"What does that have to do with us?"

"It is family!"

"Um... so you're going to be a stay-at-home dad and raise our hundreds of children we must have to carry on the family name?"

He thinks about this. "But I want to work."

"So do I." Commence silly staring contest, both of us struggle not to laugh. I win.

"Ok. Maybe I will stay home. Will you still cook?"

"Sure."

Goodbye Single Life...

Min Gi moved the last of his things into my place (our place... I'll work on this, I swear) last night.

Don't get me wrong, he's had most of his stuff here since September and spends about half his nights here, even though the majority of his clothes were at his old place that is much closer to his office job... so it's not like I don't know what it's like to spend a lot of time with him.

It's just that... since we're getting married in a few (less than seven) weeks this means I'll never have my own place again (barring something horrible happening). I'm having some ambivalence about this gaining of a life partner, loss of independence thing.

I'm really excited to be starting our life together, and I love living with a man who does the dishes and cleans the floor as part of his "daily exercise" (I cook and do the laundry--lucky me, the chores I actually enjoy doing!). However, I've lived alone since November 2006 (good lord I loved that first solo apartment) and sharing a place with someone... well, it changes your lifestyle. Dramatically.

For me, it's mostly good things. I go to bed when I say I'm going to bed because I'm actually accountable to keep my word. Ditto for keeping schedules and exercise habits. I don't eat as much junk food because I love cooking for Min Gi (he likes everything I make, even though it doesn't have meat... and again, does the dishes!), and because of that accountability thing (it's harder to sneak off and buy a chocolate bar from the store if someone is asking where you're going as you put on your shoes). And the fact that there's a much greater chance of someone being home to cuddle (etc.) when you need it besides the kitties!

However, some things I miss. Korean news is on every morning now when I come home from AM yoga, which kind of disrupts the peace. Sometimes, I buy things to eat (or plan to eat things I cooked last night for lunch) and when I come home, they're gone. I have to pick up after myself more (it's kind of rude to just let stuff accumulate in corners when other folks live there). He sees me on "ugly days," which I've been having a lot of lately because of the medications (I could just make the effort to not have "ugly days" I suppose, but I don't know if that would be good for my sanity), which I don't like. Min Gi still leaves the toilet seat up about 50% of the time, and (I have no idea how) manages to coat the entire bathroom floor in water every time he uses it. I'm an introvert and my love is an extrovert--good lord he needs to talk--a lot (although, if I must be honest, I love hearing what he has to say at least 95% of the time, which is pretty awesome).

So today, I'm just taking a moment to say goodbye to those single girl, solo-apartment behaviors I've come to love (well, at least be comfortable with) over the last three years (almost to the day--eerie). Will I miss my peace and solitude? Sure. Sometimes.

But what I'm getting in return--cannot be compared. I really am the luckiest girl ever--to have found a man who thinks he's the luckiest boy ever.

Health Update.

My health is on the mend... and I have been having a lot of ups and downs coping with it.

Downs:

-- Prednisone (the steroid I'm on to tame the flaring beast) side effects are kicking in BIG TIME: (1) I have a really round face now and am rapidly developing a double chin. I've never had a double chin. Even when I was practically obese in high school. I'm disgusted with how fat my face looks (it's gotten worse since the pics I posted from Saturday). My weight is staying relatively steady after it went way up in the hospital and then way down the week after, but my face and even my stomach are gathering more fat than they've ever had before. Ew. I don't look like ME in the mirror, and I'm absolutely terrified I'll still look weird and round and tummy-fat for the wedding in two months. I'm not a terribly vain girl, but I would like to look like myself for my wedding. (2) I cannot stop eating. I'm trying to keep it healthy, but seriously it's this bizarre COMPULSION. Not like when I used to emotionally overeat before, just the need to eat every piece of food in sight, especially salty foods. It's nutty. Exercising seems to help me resist, but that leads us to the next downer:

-- I'm much weaker than I used to be: I've started doing yoga again on MWF mornings, but damn if I can't hold the strength poses that used to be so easy. And Friday when we did five sun series salutations in a row, I was SWEATING a LOT. I can't really jog and walking up stairs winds me a lot faster than it used to. I want my strength back. Even when I was fat, I was STRONG. I miss it so much. I miss being active.

-- Every time I step down the prednisone (weaning myself off it), my UC symptoms ramp up a little bit the next day. It balances back out quickly, but since Wednesdays have been my adjustment days, Thursdays have sucked.

Ups:

-- I'm not flaring anymore: This is key. I'm having normal bowel movements, generally fewer than 4/day (except adjustment days, but even then nothing like before I went into the hospital).

-- I have more energy: I've been experimenting with cooking (not just making something easy) after work, doing chores around the house, and walking around comfortably. This is totally different than 2 weeks ago when I'd come home so exhausted I could barely fix dinner.

-- My strength IS coming back, if slowly. For example, for my walk today on the track near my gym, I did 13 laps in the same time it took me to walk 5 the day after I got out of the hospital, and I even did a few bursts of 30 seconds of jogging. Yoga was easier this week than it was last week. I can walk up the four flights of stairs to my classroom in a reasonable amount of time. I may be frustrated, but I'm making progress. My goal is to be strong enough to resume taekwondo in December.

-- My doctor thinks I'll be off prednisone before the wedding, which means the vanity side effects should be seriously reduced.

-- I'm on a lot fewer meds than I was two weeks ago. Once I'm off the prednisone, it'll just be back to the minor remission maintenance drugs I was on since May, plus one more (probiotics). They have almost no side effects for me (after the first month adjusting) and work really well to keep me from flaring.

So the goods outweigh the bads, but still, some things to worry about. I can't wait until I can hike and kick and dance and look in the mirror and be content. We'll get there...

Anger and Missing Out

Posted to my UC forum:

I write to you from my living room. This is not where I am supposed to be right now. I am supposed to be spending the first Chuseok with my fiance's family. Chuseok is a family holiday in Korea akin to Christmas for Christians or Passover for Jews.

Last night I started having bloody diarrhea every hour. It didn't let up much overnight, and now I'm missing the chance at forming real bonds with my new family because of this STUPID disease. I HATE it. And I won't get to do this next year because we are moving back to the States next summer.

This diease is NOT FAIR! I would curse, but this forum has moderation (and I want it to still be a respectful place).

Can anyone else relate to feeling like they are missing out on their life because of this disease? Some days it's all I can do to go to work and come home. And I have a MILD case--I can only imagine what those of you with more moderate to severe versions are experiencing.

At any rate, my fiance is being very supportive and understanding, but I know he's disappointed (I would be, too). I worry now that something like this will happen on our wedding day or some other time that's just as awful. I don't want to spend the rest of my life worried about what I'm going to miss out on next.

How I know I'm marrying the right person.

Min Gi doesn't like to plan. He doesn't like to think about tomorrow or the next day, let alone six months or a few years from now. When we were first dating, I would ask him if he wanted to do something on the weekend, and he would say, "Let's just see what happens." I finally broke down and told him that if we don't make plans together, I will make plans with other people or to do other things. He responded, "Well, I don't want to disappoint you if something happens. If I make a promise, I keep it."

I pointed out that if he gets sick or something else comes up that is more important, he can tell me about it and we'll just change our plans, but that if we don't make them, we probably won't see each other often (which is what had been happening for the first couple months). He started making plans with me.

The day I knew that I wanted to marry him (April, 2009):

Min Gi: "Honey, you know how you said you wanted to go to the Boryeong Mud Festival, right? And you said it was two weekends?"

"That's right. In July."

"I think we should go the first weekend because the second weekend is the week before we leave for America. We might want to pack."

I was speechless.

"What's wrong?"

"Nothing's wrong... It's a good idea... but it's just... that's in July! You're making plans?!?"

"I want to be a plan-guy."

How I know he's the right person for me:

Wedding rings are not a tradition in Korea, but we decided we want them. We've selected a style we like, and I did some comparison shopping.

Me: "Hey look at the deal I found on these rings like the ones we wanted. Just $50!"

"Wow! Are you sure they're real?"

"Yeah, the design we're getting is not that expensive. Jewelry just has huge markups."

"Are you sure you don't mind? Don't women usually want expensive wedding rings?"

"I'm not like that. You know that." [Editor's note: This is one of the ways he knows I'm the right person for him. Haha!]

"Yeah, but I also wanted them to have a special meaning."

"Hon, they have a special meaning because they symbolize our love for each other, our promise."

"Or... we planned to spend more money on them anyhow. Why don't we donate the difference to a charity?"

I'm speechless, again. I then show him the website for Amnesty International and we agree to donate $200 (the money most other websites were charging for a similar design) for each ring when we purchase them.

"Helpful" Advice/ Meeting 고모.

Sangju (상주), a rural town in western Gyeongsangbuk-do.

Last week at work:

"I'm going to Min Gi's hometown, Sangju, this weekend."

"Oh wow! That is so exciting. And important. Who will you meet there?" The teacher who sits next to me, Ms. Suh (who is also my boss), is unnaturally excited for my marriage and asks me questions about it every two days. She has even commented how strange it is for her to be so happy for me, but yet, we continue.

"I'm meeting 고모 [father's sister]."

Ms. Suh gets a very serious look. "Oh my, that is a very important meeting. Is she older or younger than your fiance's father?"

"Older, I think." (I have no idea. I found out later that she is younger than his father would be, were he alive today.)

"Hm... and all of his male relatives [Editor's note: they only count father's side as relatives in Korea] from that generation are dead? Oh, then this is the most important meeting. 고모 is not like 이모 [mother's sister]. 고모 is very important. I hope you are not nervous!" She then proceeds to ask me a hundred questions I don't know the answers to, like if 고모 has any children and if we'll be meeting in her house.

No, I'm not nervous at all, now, Ms. Suh. Thanks.

***

I call Min Gi shortly after this (interrogation) conversation and drill him. He is patient and for all the questions he doesn't know the answer to, he says, "I will call her after I hang up with you and find out." What a darling.

But all the things the teachers at school tell me about Korean weddings and Korean men are starting to get to me.

Mrs. Lim: "Are you going to prepare money and gifts for his family? Most women have to pay a lot of money to their in-laws before getting married, like $3,000. And if you get your in-laws the wrong present, they will 'tease' you about it at every holiday forever. Korean mother-in-laws never let you forget your mistake."

Mrs. Kim: "Oh Korean men are very sweet when they are dating, but after marriage they change. They don't want to do any nice things for you and expect you to do all the cooking and cleaning perfectly for them. Really, you won't know until after you're married."

Mrs. Park: "Your families won't meet until one week before the wedding? Oh, that is very bad luck."

Mrs. Choi: "Korean men all drink too much. My husband is out most nights drinking. He doesn't spend much time with his sons."

AAAAARRRRRGGGGHHHH!!! *head explodes*

So when my dear, sweet, atypical Korean guy walks in the door Sunday morning, ready to take me to meet his 고모, and makes the mistake of commenting on the cat vomit I hadn't yet cleaned (too busy getting ready), I snap and unload all of this manufactured angst onto his unsuspecting head.

Somewhere in the middle of my insane meltdown/freak-out, he sits down on the couch and says, "Hey, come here." After I refuse, he insists.

He puts his arms around me and looks into my eyes, "Why are you listening to those women? They don't know me. They don't know my family. If I tell you that you don't need to give my mom money, then that's it, she doesn't expect it. When I tell you I'm not going to change after we get married, you have to believe me. I believe you. I trust you. You have to listen to me.

"Ok?"

I start to laugh, even though I'm still crying. "How did you get to be so smart?"

"Let's go meet my aunt!"

***

Turns out 고모 is not a frightening matriarch, but rather a kind, worldly woman who, unable to have her own children with her husband, lavishes her motherly love, attention, and wisdom on her nieces and nephews. Over delicious raw fish, we chatted about life, my family, our plans, and she offered us lots of advice about marriage, like not going to bed angry and being forgiving of each other if we make a mistake. She was not intimidated by the fact that I was a foreigner nor was she overly curious about it, merely thoughtful and accepting. I couldn't have imagined a better outcome for our first encounter.

고모 shares the last of the 자두 on her farm.

I think, through her, I can see some of the positive qualities Min Gi has described his father as having, qualities that he also possesses to make others feel at ease and to understand the world and its people in comprehensive and respectful ways. I love her already.

Min Gi and I pose in front of the scenic Nakdong River.

After (a very filling) lunch, she offered to play tour guide for us around Sangju. We went to a temple known for it's ancient wood carvings on the inside of the main temple, Namjeongsa, then to 고모's small farm for fresh Korean plums (자두), and finally to the small walking park near the Nakdong river. One of Min Gi's older cousins drove and the four of us had a lovely time out in the Korean countryside.

The iron Buddha is surrounded by the painted ancient wood carvings at the temple's inner altar.

The weather was perfect and the company was grand. Check out all of the photos in the album:

Sangju--Meeting Min Gi's Relatives

Swing Dance Updates and MT

Notice the different greens of the trees--beautiful.

This weekend I went on another "MT" with my swing dance club--out to Yeongcheon. It was a blast! I was the only foreigner there, but I wasn't treated as "the token foreigner" because I know all the folks who went well (except the new beginner class who I started to get to know) and they are my friends. It's nice to be a little accepted. Check out the album for pictures.

Yeongcheon Swing and People MT

Just before I left for America, our swing club elected a new president (happily for busy, wedding-planning me). Nan-ta, the new president, is an enthusiastic dancer and great at making everyone feel comfortable. I feel a little proud that in the last year our club has grown so much, with so many new regular members (although I was not able to maintain Ben's penchant for drawing in a large foreign crowd). I know most of the work for the club has been done by Min Gi and Gong Bi, but I did try my best to be a good ambassador for the club by travelling to some other swing events in Korea and improving my skills.

Nan-ta inspires us with confidence about his leadership abilities.

After serving as president for one year of a club in a foreign country (run in that country's language), I can say that the feeling of acceptance I felt at Swing and People has only increased since I last blogged about it. How lucky I am. Most people who move to Korea for a few years to teach find that they are unable to form more than superficial relationships with a few Koreans, and even then usually only English-speaking ones. Korea is not the easiest society to "break into" from a foreign perspective, and while Koreans are all too excited to bring you to Korean festivals and show you "culture," they're a bit hesitant to bring you into their lives in a meaningful way. Through dancing, I've found not only a new passion that will probably be with me throughout my life, but also friendships with fun, interesting people.

Jina, a friend for life.

And so, Min Gi (who feels the same way I do about the awesome folks of Swing and People) and I have decided that we will have our wedding next year at the swing dance club, in the presence of our friends and lots of great music and dancing fun. It really is the perfect choice for us, though not traditional for America or Korea. We've been going through the annoying, meticulous, detail-planning aspect, generally with a light-hearted attitude. It helps me a lot that he wants to take care of so many little things. Call me unfeminine, but I just don't care about stuff like decorations, invitations, and etiquette--not to even mention color themes, paper weight, and linens (none of which we're bothering with). I've written my opinions on weddings before in this blog. While this is a compromise from the beach surprise wedding I wanted, it's something I think I'll still have fun doing, and hopefully, so will our guests. (P.S. If you want an invite, e-mail me your address and I'll hope to see you there, on January 9)

I also uploaded a video of me dancing with Malddugi, a swing dancer from Busan who visited last night to tell us that he is also getting hitched--in November! I'm excited.



There's not much lindy (unfortunately) 'cause the song is fast, but you can get a sense of how I'm doing after about a year and half of learning to boogey. Also, I uploaded another video dancing with Juno, but Min Gi is not so good a cameraman, so while you can find it through my youtube account, I'm not going to advertise it here.