Reflections on my first Writing Retreat

This past weekend, I went on my first Writing Retreat to Davis, WV. It's a bit tricky to leave all my responsibilities for a few days, but it seemed like the perfect way to kick-start my sabbatical. The retreat was organized by the (former--she recently took a new job) program coordinator of my doctoral program. Most of the other people who came with us were in my cohort/year, but there were a couple from the year before/after. We went to Davis, WV--one of my favorite places in the world (I used to vacation there as a child). And one of the most beautiful.

The view from the deck of our mountain cabin.

The organizer planned out the very delicious and tasty meals (accommodating both vegetarians and keto diets), set up the quiet hour rules each full day of the retreat, and coordinated all the travel details. We all socialized in the mornings and evenings. I drove out with a member of my writing group, so we were able to chat about our research and our writing goals for the weekend on the drive. I had an (ambitious) goal to finish the draft of my dissertation proposal to the point that I could turn it in to my chair on Monday. I spent Saturday revising Chapter Two (the literature review), incorporating articles or deciding they were not relevant to my argument, and thinking through the details of my study design.

Sunday morning hike in Blackwater Falls State Park

Sunday, after an early morning hike (thanks to daylight savings time!), I dug into finishing the details of Chapter Three (research design and methodology). I must admit that I love writing about the research design as much as I detest completing the literature review, so the experience on Sunday was much more enjoyable! I even took a nice long nap in the middle of quiet hours, having exhausted myself on the hike.

Pase Point--such a beautiful view!

I managed to finish enough that I felt I could turn my draft into my advisor. In the evening, we played a very fun and silly game of "Heads Up" with someone's mobile phone and just enjoyed talking about everything. Overall, it was a great experience. I deepened some existing relationships and made some new friends. I wrote and ate and slept and enjoyed nature. I cannot wait to do another retreat in the Spring!

Blackwater Falls--see the rainbow?

 Once I got back home Monday morning, I did a final read on my proposal draft and sent it to my chair. It felt great!

2022: Year in Review

I'm not really feeling ready to set big goals for this upcoming year, but I do feel like I want to pause and take stock of this past year. In many ways, this year felt stressful and rushed. However, it was also a year of blossoming children, substantial professional growth, deepening friendships, and caregiving for two adults. And while I may not have done all the things I hoped to do for myself, I feel that the life I'm living is pretty great.

Blossoming Children

I am in awe of my two kids, now 7 and 11. They have both become readers with confidence and passions--sharing books is a great joy (we all really loved discovering the Wings of Fire series by Tui Sutherland this year). For taekwondo, the oldest earned his black belt and the youngest her intermediate level purple belt in 2022. Their Destination Imagination team won first place in the Maryland state tournament, and I traveled (after a wild month of fundraising and travel planning to do so) with them to Global Finals in Kansas City--which was a really amazing, healing experience for my kids--whose school lives had been dominated by the Covid pandemic in the prior two years.

Celebrating their journey and learning with other Maryland DI Teams!

They also participated in summer swim team for the first time, and loved it. Each is growing into an interesting and unique young person. I enjoy spending time with both of them, especially with playing card and board games or going on nature walks. Raising children is not an easy task--it is relentless, unforgiving, and (often) unpleasant--especially during challenging phases, illnesses, or tough times. But I'm very lucky my kids are doing well overall.

Professional Growth

During 2022, I completed 21 of my 60 doctoral degree credits (gearing up to study for comprehensive exams in January and then moving into ABD territory during 2023). Even more amazing was how much I've grown as a leader, researcher, and educator along this journey. I have also developed some close relationships with the other students in my classes and cohort (our five-person writing group made time to meet up during break at the National Harbor & it was delightful to see people in person!). Going back to school to get my doctorate at age 40 was a wild decision, but I'm glad I'm on this journey.

My programs have seen massive growth and equity-focused expansion. I've also had the joy to work with some amazing students, teachers, counselors, leaders, and higher ed personnel who are committed to improving student experience of the high school to college transition. Finally, the education law in Maryland is going through a lot of changes and my involvement with state-level coordination and implementation of the change has been exhausting, but rewarding. I continue to be excited by my career and feel blessed to have the opportunity to work for children in this way.

Touring the (gorgeous!) University of Minnesota's engineering library while in St. Paul.

I also was fortunate to attend two conferences this year (one in Frederick and one in Minnesota) and met several national leaders in my field, as well as connecting with them in new ways through my doctoral work.

This year has seen a great deal of transition with the leadership above me, often creating anxiety and unanticipated challenges. We seem to have settled in a good place as this year draws to a close, but there were many times in 2022 where the action (or inaction) of a new, ineffective, or malicious senior leader threatened to impact the opportunities afforded students, and I felt extremely frustrated with myself for being unable to navigate all of it well. This has been a very, very challenging year for educators--and students--at every level (a sort-of normal year, but with all the traumas of a pandemic still lingering). I'm not at all surprised to see people leaving the field entirely.

I hope 2023 proves to be a better year for everyone in schools.

Deepening Friendships

I have friendships with several women who live locally that I feel have become chosen family. Our family networks are deeply intertwined--for the most part, the kids and adults all get along well with each other. We spend lots of time together--hanging out at each others' houses or going on adventures/outings together--without some of the pressure that can come with adult friendships. I am extremely grateful to have them in my life. (Note: One member of this group has moved away, but we still connect frequently thanks to chat and other distance communications. She's had a year of big transitions, and it's hard not to be able to surround her in the love, community, and support she deserves. But she is a survivor!)

Just one example, some of our kids, at the county fair, with friendship bracelets.

I was also able to visit a friend I had not seen in many years (who I met through this very blog--NOT KIDDING!!!--while we both lived in Korea) while I was traveling for a conference to Minnesota. This trip was very life-affirming and healing--especially connecting me back with my writing self (hopefully for us both). Recognizing how think I need to commit to in-person connections again with these long-time friends who still chat/text/phone/email, but haven't really been able to see for a few years. I felt this when I attended a high school program reunion this summer, too, and spent some time catching up with friends.

I'm also feeling more connected this year to communities than I have in a long time. Whether through volunteering at our kids' school, commiserating about graduate school coursework, collaborating on something professionally, discussing issues in social media, or dancing together in social dances or fitness classes, I feel rich again with a casual/acquaintance-level social network. I think this is the layer of relationships that suffered the most from Covid restrictions.

Caregiving

My mother had a stroke in August 2020, and while she lives independently in a condo a block away from our house, her recovery to independence is incomplete. It's been a bit of a rough year as we attempted to navigate her getting back to driving, but have not been able to do so yet. This journey was further complicated by the financial emergencies of my two adult siblings who my mother still feels the need to support. I'm not going to get into family dynamics here, but caregiving for a parent while being estranged from a sibling because he has past financial abuse of that parent while the parent continues to enable the abuse is... something. I continue to have to do really good boundary work and values clarity. I am grateful for the opportunity to have this relationship with my mother and help her live well, but it is NOT easy to balance it all.

Meanwhile, in early April, Mingi had surgery on his right foot to resolve several issues from a soccer injury two years ago. The recovery and the subsequent physical and emotional ups and downs from this have also triggered migraines and injured the left foot from overuse. He's not as reliant on others as my mother is, but our whole family has been impacted by his ongoing health challenges and recovery. Our network of friends and acquaintances has been invaluable through this recovery period, but it has been a struggle. We are definitely looking forward to a year where we can all do more together (hiking, traveling, silly fun), and Mingi feels more like himself.

Visiting the Inner Harbor in Baltimore this week felt a bit like maybe we are back to more normal ways of being for our family.

Overall, I'm proud of what I've been able to accomplish this year and grateful for the support in overcoming challenges we've faced. Having a stable financial situation and supportive network has made a major difference; at another time in my life, the challenges of 2022 would have broken me. Instead, I feel content that I was able to give the people I love so much care, love, and support. However, I have gained another 10 lbs in the last year (on top of the 20 I had put on in the prior years), and really need to put more focus into my own health so I'm able to continue to support others and do the things I want to do.

As such, I'm setting an intention this year of ensuring that I'm giving at least equal care and support to my own health and development that I give to my family.

How was your 2022? What are your New Year's intentions? Please share!

Appreciation for the Calm

Starting 2022 amidst the most widespread outbreak of a 2+ year pandemic has ironically led to a slowing down and calm pace for my life. We've been lucky enough to avoid infection thus far, so now that the rates of Covid transmission and hospitalizations are higher than they've ever been, we've elected to reduce the number of activities we are engaging in at present as a mitigation strategy. The kids are still going to school and taekwondo (masked, thankfully), Min is doing whatever shopping we need, and I am going in person to work most days of the week and taking my Mom to doctor's appointments, but we've mostly curtailed other activities. Even though there is no government mandate to refrain, we find it prudent at this time.

Water always makes me feel peaceful. This is the Monocacy River near our home.

For me, this means no gym classes, no dining out, and no gatherings indoors. What's strange this time is that it seems as though very few other people are limiting some of their activities, despite the fact that our hospital is operating in crisis mode and our school staffs are dealing with absentee rates so high that we are discussing possible short-term contingency plans for in-person instruction. The local college I work with has already decided to stay fully remote with virtual instruction through February 6. There's no guidance to help the public in how to navigate what's happening now, and the CDC Director was describing it as "encouraging" that people like me with immune suppression and diabetes are the people that are dying from this round of infection. I digress...

The kids decided to prepare us breakfast for our anniversary (12 years--WOW). It was quite sweet.

Far from feeling deprived and adrift as I did in the early weeks of March and April 2020, I feel an ease of slipping back into the routines and joys we discovered when the whole world shut down. I find myself grateful for the beautiful nature in our neighborhood on my walks, for the free yoga challenge online, for a wonderful dance instructor still having Sunday Zoom workouts, for more time to play board games with my kids and cook healthy meals. I have enjoyed more time to rest and read, dig into my grad classes, write in this blog.

My little snow bunny.

I feel a kind of contented ease that I don't really recall enjoying in the past. Perhaps, I have just become more comfortable with existing in the present moment and enjoying the company of my family. Maybe I like the excuse to ruthlessly cut nonessentials from my life. Or maybe it was the first huge snowstorm of the year which always makes the world look brand new. Whatever it is, I like it. I'm going to try to cultivate this essentialist approach to my time and enjoyment.

Here's a little hope into the world that we can stay healthy and joyful, even if the world feels like it's conspiring to keep us from those things.

Random Reflections as 2021 Closes

We have come to the last day of a very stressful year--which, coincidentally was the first year of my 40s and another year of very strange world events--from an ongoing pandemic to political shenanigans to climate crises to the dehumanization from the patriarchy, white supremacy, global capitalism, and other injustice. There is much from this year that leaves me sad, anxious, and helpless. I try to focus on the positives--vaccines and books, for example. But I will admit that 2021 on a broad scale leaves even silver-lining optimist Diana feeling a bit stretched to come up with much to say about the positive.

Super grateful for my wonderful family.

On a personal scale, I can find a lot more victories and joys. Here are a few:

Financial: Thanks to the largesse of the US government stimulus money, I finally paid off all my credit card debt. In a further debt victory, the rules for Public Service Loan Forgiveness were changed such that it looks like I will be eligible for full forgiveness of my undergraduate and master's degree loans in full. This has enabled us to increase our charitable giving & direct aid to family/friends, contribute more to retirement funds, and spend without worrying on the things we value. Life without crushing debt really changes your outlook. I also found Die With Zero and I Will Teach You to be Rich to be helpful books for this new stage of my financial journey.

Relationships: It was my first full year thinking of myself as a "caregiver" to my mother whose stroke in August 2020 has left her more dependent on others for help. I am proud and grateful at the amount of care I've been able to provide for her. This shift in our relationship has enabled me to reflect on what is most important and let go of more small slights. I feel solidly like a middle age adult, and I think this identity has a lot to do with it. I have rekindled a friendship with my sister who has helped with the caregiving and let go of the relationship with my brother that has always been toxic and strained.

Bringing Mom on vacation to the beach was a major 2021 highlight!

I also deepened my friendships with the women in my book club and their families (all of whom are mixed race, with one Asian, one white parent, such that our children all look more like each other than we do). These friends have become my go-to people. I am so grateful for this group we have built where I feel accepted and built a close community for my biracial children. have also become closer to a few work colleagues, parents of my kids' friends, dance friends, and neighbors this year.

Although I let my blog Free, Fun, Family lapse and haven't been writing as much, I feel connected to several online communities through Twitter, which is now my only social media besides Goodreads. I do hope to reconnect at in-person events with them in the future.

Professional: I am now through two full semesters of work on my Ed.D. program in Educational Leadership--and I love it! It's got me thinking and trying things in different ways that have already resulted in some pretty awesome collaborations and projects at work. It's also been a great outlet for managing, processing, and reflecting on the trauma of these last few years. I find myself re-inspired for educational work in a time of incredible challenge and difficulty in this profession. Although it can be very stressful at times, I'm so glad I decided to pursue this program at this time. I am also becoming close with a number of people in my cohort.

Bringing dually enrolled English Learner students on a tour of campus--many are first gen!!!

Reading: Thanks in part to my daughter's embrace of The Magic Treehouse series towards the end of they year, I made it to my goal of over 100 books in 2021 (as of right now, I'm at 111 and will probably finish at least one more book today). One of my goals was to increase my usual rate of 20-25% books by writers of color, and 43 of those books (38%) were by BIPOC authors. In reviewing my read shelf, I see that most of my books for grad school and my kids' read-alouds were not very diverse. I can't do much about the required reading for grad school (except continuing to advocate for different authors & choosing diverse authors when given a choice), but I think I need to be more intentional about getting my kids books by writers of color. Especially now that they are both independent readers.

So overall, a year of growth and development. Much to celebrate!

Of course, what I am most grateful for and proud of is the growth and closeness of my family. This year's struggles have resulted in a closeness and joy. I can't wait to see what 2022 brings for us!

Harper's Ferry visit with my Uncle Tom!

I've been less pleased with my year in terms of health (I gained weight with how stressful this year has been), minimalism/anti-consumerism, and writing (other than school, I didn't do much this fall). As such, these are the three areas I am focusing on for 2022 "goals."

Goals for 2022:

1. Lose the 20lbs I gained in a healthy way (whole foods, less dining out, more movement, smaller eating window/semi-IF). I'm not really all about the weight anymore & care way more about health, but I know that this weight impacts my diabetes control and makes dancing & hiking a bit harder.

2. Avoid Amazon (which we *still* use far too often), minimize Walmart, more food that's local, & declutter--for realsies.

3. Publish once a week in this blog. Sometimes it's gonna be short, sometimes long. But I have to build my writing muscle again, and I enjoy blogging here. It feels low stakes. Please hold me accountable.

Thank you for reading my thoughts, as always. I hope you are well as the year closes. Do you have any reflections or goals for this year? I'd love to hear them.

Book Review: Meet the Frugalwoods

Originally Posted on June 7, 2018 in Free, Fun, Family

I enjoy reading books by bloggers I admire because it makes me hopeful that this practice in writing that I enjoy so much could be one way to make the hobby I love a profession.  I have read a bit of Elizabeth Willard Thames’s Frugalwoods blog on and off since she started it back in 2014.  Her eschewing of the dangerous, unhealthy consumerist culture in the U.S. (while still functioning within that society) is something I have struggled in reaching my own personal goals.  I enjoyed reading even more when she became a mom and achieved her dream of homesteading, which is also when her blog picked up in popularity.  However, I was delighted to see that her first book was published in March–right when I began to get serious about my return to blogging!

Thames and her husband have achieved financial independence at an early age through a combination of hard work, frugality, and vision. Meet the Frugalwoods: Achieving Financial Independence Through Simple Living is the story behind the blog posts. I loved the story! I enjoyed parts of the book that rounded out the story–the details from her time as an Americorps VISTA volunteer and the process of buying the homestead and then settling into it were particularly interesting.

Thames is aware (and acknowledges) that she was in a privileged position to reach her goal, which some people have criticized, but I think she is quite sincere about her awareness of this privilege and appreciation for it. I admire how positive she stays, even when sharing some incidents that were undoubtedly painful and emotionally fraught (her depression while living in DC, her anxiety about work as a high-achieving liberal arts major after graduating from college, her daughter’s week and a bit in the ICU). I think this ability to focus on the positive and remain grateful for what opportunities and resources she has been given allows her to make the best use of those resources.

It would be easy to read this book and nitpick. I’ve read a lot of reviews of it that do so (the most common complaint seems to be that both Frugalwoods had extremely high salaries which she almost never mentions, and that Thames’s husband is still working full time in his well-paid, location-independent job; I don’t think that lessens the work, planning, and research they did to achieve their dream life). I hope Thames does not take these comments too much to heart.

I really do think the best thing Thames offers in her work is an understanding that long term financial goal achievement is only possible through positive perseverance and clarity in values alignment. While my family is currently restrained by some limitations she and her husband were not during their hyper-focus on their goal to purchase a homestead, I think she sets out a clear path to follow that could lead to whatever goals a person wanted to achieve, even if they take longer than she did.

Live the best life you can–the Frugalwoods do and encourage others to do so as well.  Thanks for writing, Liz!

Disclosure:  This post contains affiliate links for convenience.  I would be overjoyed if you checked these books out from the local library to read their wisdom!  However, if you would like to purchase my recommendations and financially support the work I’m doing on this blog, please feel free to use the links above.

Learning to Blog Again

 Originally Posted on May 11, 2018 in Free, Fun, Family

Getting back in the saddle.

Confession time: Although this blog is a bit under two months old, I am not new to blogging.  I began journaling online in college, and experimented with several platforms, without much success.  For several years (2007-2011) I maintained a personal blog using the Blogger platform called Going Places when I moved to South Korea to teach, lived there for three years, met and married my husband, and moved back to the U.S.  This site gained modest popularity within the expat blogging community living in Korea, and I made several real life friendships through blogging.  I enjoyed it immensely, but since I was mostly blogging about life in Korea, I had trouble continuing to blog at the same site when I moved back to the United States.

I stopped renewing my domain two years ago; the site is still there, but only because I haven’t bothered to properly archive it. I’ve tried several times to pick up blogging again (writing at my old blog, writing about marriage, writing about parenting, etc. etc.), since writing is an essential piece of my happiness, but my efforts have usually fizzled out within a few weeks.  Life got busy, I was taking graduate coursework, raising two young kids, holding down two jobs, and managing some health conditions.  Life isn’t necessarily less busy right now, but I’m making more of a commitment to all aspects of my health in 2018: physical, financial, spiritual, and psychological.  Blogging (writing) is part of that journey.

I’ve actually been thinking about starting a blog about family fun/frugality for years, but was finally inspired to take the plunge after spending some time on Shannon’s Affording Motherhood blog.  I appreciated her optimism, honesty, and can-do attitude towards blogging and saving money.  It made me brave enough to try again.  I still want to be a writer (published–I know I am a writer) when I grow up!

So far, I’m enjoying my writing journey at Free, Fun, Family.  Min shared my post about my amazing sister-in-law with her, and she appreciated it.  Several friends and family members have said kind words about my reboot.  I’ve started, cautiously, to take it public: to let people in my life know I’m writing, commenting on blogs, linking on social media, etc.  If you’ve happened upon my quiet corner of the internet, thank you for taking the time to read my work.  Please feel free to drop me a note in the comments, and let me know what you think.

February Progress for Debt Elimination!

In February of this year, I made a major life transition: I took a new position with my public school district that took me out of a classroom and into an office building.  Although I have been working on making this transition for the last few years through a graduate program, I was not expecting the opportunity to come so suddenly.  I had planned to wait until my now two-year-old daughter was in Kindergarten to make this transition, but a dream job posted.  I went for it, not expecting to be taken seriously at this time, and got hired.  

I absolutely love my new position, but am adjusting to a lot of things that come with a sudden major change in daily patterns.  Now that I'm about a month in, I am noticing that I have more energy and desire to read and write again.  I don't know if it will go anywhere major, but I think I want to start up my little blog again.  I used to have big ambitions for this blog, but this time around, I just want to use it as an outlet to explore some ideas and projects I have in the works.

If you are still reading after my lengthy absence, thank you.  If you are new, welcome.

My inspiration for blogging at this moment is that I am in progress on a new debt elimination plan and find that blogging about it holds me more accountable and helps me reflect on choices.  It is not the first time I've struggled with this problem.  However, my promotion has left me in the enviable position of having fewer "excuses" about why I can't get completely out of debt if I try really hard.  I feel excited again remembering my original commitment to reducing my consumerism when I returned from Korea (which I've let creep up a bit from addiction to convenience and laziness--thanks for the kick in the pants, MrMoneyMustache).

Progress from February:

• I became accountable to myself, looking at debt and owning my budgetary failures. I discovered that I have allowed my family to wrack up a LOT of consumer debt this year, mostly attributable to two major home renovation/improvement projects (HVAC replacement and removing a wall from our living area).  We have also traveled a great deal in the last year, which is great, but not at the cost of debt.  Additionally, my habits of eating out often (often fast food, just for me--neither healthy nor social) and aspirational purchases when I got my new position (I thought I needed to dress a lot fancier; turns out I probably could have made due with just a few items upgrading) contributed significantly.  I must own that.
• I refunded the emergency fund to $1,000. Along with the head/heart work above, I committed to a new understanding of what constitutes an emergency.  Then I used part of my tax refund to refuel my EF which had dwindled to about $300.
• I did the math. At the start of February, here is what I owed in really awful consumer debt, in the order that I plan to pay it back.  Note this made me SICK:
• Personal Loan: $3,529
• Wells Fargo Home Improvement Loan: $5,579
• USAA Visa Card: $8,360
• Bank of America AmEx: $13,488
• TOTAL (so ugly): $30,956
• I made mistakes, but I am heading in the right direction.  I devoted a large tax refund and salary reimbursement from my previous position to paying off this debt.  My new totals, at the end of February:
• Personal Loan: $0 (YAY!!!)
• Wells Fargo Home Improvement Loan: $5,000
• USAA Visa Card: $8,065
• Bank of America AmEx: $13,782*
• TOTAL (still so ugly): $26,847
• Amount paid off: $4,109 (WOWEE!)

*Early in the month before a strict commitment to this project, I used this card for convenience when I left my card used strictly for personal expenses and paid off each month at home.  This was part of my re-education about the seriousness of my problem I was treating far too casually in 2017.

That's a great feeling to see that progress.  (Haha: I'm already so glad I wrote up this blog post.) It's not a realistically sustainable level of debt payoff for our family every month (like I said, refunds and reimbursements made a huge difference), but it makes me acknowledge the power of focus.  Just like losing the weight (yes, I did make lifetime with WW), I have to remember that focus and commitment every day is necessary, but it's hard to see progress in the moment.  I also have set myself up for success going forward during this month.  That feels great, too.

Goals for March:

-Use grocery food more efficiently to reduce food waste and cost.

-Plan meals and cook at home unless socializing with another person (personal food purchases outside the home only from set cash allowance).

-No purchases of clothing/shoes for this month.  (I have developed a small addiction to shopping websites and stores... don't need that in my life right now... commence re-addiction to reading, a free source of entertainment)

These are totally achievable for me AND will help with my health!

November Already?

How did it get to be the end of 2011 already?  And how is it that the most important event of my 2011 (in case you can't figure that one out, it's the birth of my first child sometime in the next month or so) has not even happened yet?

I'm feeling very transitional these days, and I'm becoming more comfortable with it.  I usually like to have a set plan for the next six months, year, and five years mapped out.  I've always remained flexible with these plans, allowing them to change as new life stuff comes up, but I feel a lot more comfortable when I know where I'm going next.

However, I've come to terms over the last three months that I cannot possibly predict what my life will be like after the birth of my son.  (Three months ago, with hormones raging, I was utterly despondent over the loss of control becoming a parent represented.  Although I chose not to blog about my misery, rest assured there was much fighting with Min Gi and fear of insanity...).  I can imagine and hope and daydream about the kind of parent I'd like to be, but if I'm honest with myself, I cannot possibly know what my priorities will be after our family grows by 50 percent, other than to assume that my child will be in my top five, likely vying for the top two, along with my marriage. 

This makes things like planning a career path, health and financial goals, travel adventures, or writing projects somewhat up in the air.  I'm guessing these things will still be very important to me, but the way I approach them and the shapes they take may alter dramatically.  And that's ok.

Today, at 36 weeks and change, I had another ultrasound to determine the position of the baby (he's head down, which is grand) and the approximate size of the beast at the moment (around 6lbs 5oz, though my doctor cautions that 3rd trimester scans are not very accurate and it could be a pound up or down from there).  All is healthy and well.  On Friday, he will officially be "term" meaning that they won't try to stop labor if it starts, although we're still hoping he goes to 39+ weeks, since that's best for his development.

I'm about ready to have my body back to myself, although it will ironically signal a much more profound movement away from independence than pregnancy.  I'll let you know how that goes.

End of September? Reading List, Part One

Where on earth has this year gone?  We're already well into fall, and I feel like I haven't been able to catch up with where I want to be from a blogging perspective.

I had a health scare this month when I tested high for the first round of gestational diabetes testing, but that proved to be a fluke since the 3 hour glucose tolerance test was not even borderline.  It freaked me out a lot.  When I get freaked out these days, I obsess in my head, but don't write about it much.  I think I need to work on this.

I've been reading a lot.  I would like to write some reviews of a few of the books I've been devouring lately, but I don't think I'll ever get around to writing seperate reviews of each, so here's some (we'll call it Part One) of my top summer reads (in no particular order, except perhaps vaguely in the order I read/can recall them):

1.  Apologize, Apologize by Elizabeth Kelly--I got this at one of the Border's closing sales to read on Martha's Vineyard since the story takes place there.  It was surprisingly tragic (the description makes it sound like a coming-of-age comedy).  A fascinating character study of truly bizarre people.  And the main character even has a brief stint as a suicide hotline counselor...

2.  Battle Hymn of the Tiger Mother by Amy Chua--A book that was all over the media because it claimed that Asian parenting was somehow superior to Western parenting.  I feel like this may have been what even Chua herself believed she was trying to write, but I think her editors did her a disservice in promoting the book this way.  The tale that unfolds in the narrative is one that is much more humble and honest than the way it came off in the news articles.  First of all, she is trying to recreate in her (incredibly priveledged) upper-middle class American daughters the character building lessons she learned as the daughter of working-class Chinese immigrants by being absolutely nuts about music education.  I don't think it accomplished what she thinks it did.

It ends, as all parenting narratives really should, in uncertainty and doubt.  Ultimately, the reason Chua's parenting works is because she cares so very much about her girls and they know that, not because of any particular techniques she claims. 

3.  Little Bee by Chris Cleave--This is the second book from the highly acclaimed British author.  It's unusual and powerful because it is written in two voices--that of an African refugee nicknamed Little Bee and a British woman whose life becomes inextricably entwined with Little Bee's under the worst of circumstances.  It is exquisite.  It's the most humanizing and heartwrenching tale of what globalization means that I have ever read.

I don't know what else I can say about this book except this:  Read it.

...to be continued.

Baby Fever/Spoiling Myself

This morning I found myself immersed in a deep conversation with the contents of my uterus.

It's not like I haven't held conversations before with beings that cannot possibly actually respond in a common language--I talk to my cats most days.  I have been known to heckle a tree or two in my day.  I've even cooed at my various pieces of technology that just needed a bit of coaxing to function.  But speaking to my own body is new.

It's happened.  I finally caught the baby fever.  Maybe I just read enough books to feel like I may actually have a clue how to care for a human creature under the age of two.  Maybe I was swept away by the awesomeness of cottonbabies, a company that makes cloth diapering systems that humans who are not super-adept supermoms can actually use.  Maybe feeling the little one squirming around on a regular basis makes the whole thing more real.  Maybe it's just third trimester hormones kicking in.

Whatever it is...  I'm finally at that gross, gooey-eyed, baby-obsessed stage where everything on my to-do list, every thought that forms in my brain, nearly every piece of media I absorb is centered around all things baby.  Preparing for baby, shopping for baby, talking about baby.  Baby, baby, baby.  I make myself sick when I think about it from an objective point of view.  But I can't be objective here.  Baby is too damned important.  Dudes, I'm responsible for the care, formation, and rearing of another human.  It's like I'm Dr. Frankenstein here--IT'S ALIVE!!!  And we all know where that story ended...

At the same time, a powerful need to indulge and appreciate these final months of me-focused Diana life has taken over.  Whenever I find those baby fever urges taking over the animal cortex of my brain, I suddenly find myself in a car, driving to a cafe or restaurant to sit for a few hours over some yummy indulgent drink or food and read a novel.  I have to cling to this last quiet resistance of solitude and peace and adult independence.  I nap whenever I can, precisely because I can do so right now.  I'm making plans with people I haven't seen in months/years.

It's like storing up for winter.  I'm the ant of young adult self-obsession.

Most of my blog readers (that I know of) don't have kids.  I don't really want Going Places to turn into something that resembles the blog version of the people mocked for the their facebook status updates on STFU, Parents, but it does seem likely I'm going to need a place to obsessively recount my (mis) adventures in booby feeding, poo obsession, and indulgent bragging about the wonder of my perfect infant.  I don't plan to subsume my identity on the almighty alter of motherhood, but let's be honest here--from the time the kid finally arrives, mommy brain will likely take over.

To that end, I'm working on a blogging solution that should enable me to balance the two competing lizard brains of my soul--the independent woman who started this blog, and the woman who's about to become a mom.  (There are hints of it in a blog I started on wordpress about a year ago.)  For now, I will just say that most of the reason for my failure to post here is an inability to self-regulate the conflicting nature of my interests, and my desire to spare my loyal readers the indecencies of pregnancy.

For those of you who've been craving the nasty oh-my-god-my-boobs-are-now-eclipsed-by-the-massiveness-of- my-belly and middle-of-the-night-gross-bodily-function updates, I promise that I'll have a separate place for that so that you may sympathize with (or mock) me to your hearts' contents in the upcoming weeks.

I will be posting such Mama Drama and Baby Obsessive posts at my new blog, The Parentally Challenged.  Enjoy!

Overwhelmed? Just start...

Ok, so I really am ready to begin again with this blogging thing, but I'm having some troubles because I'm overwhelmed with where to begin, how on earth to play catch-up to my satisfaction, and the urgent desire to make whatever I'm posting extremely worthy of reading to those of you who have been waiting for my return (you know... all five of you, including Mom and Dad).

And I guess instead of worrying about all of the blogging "tasks" I want to do, I should just start by posting an honest admission that I am overwhelmed.  And then... to just begin.

So here I am.  Hello.  Welcome back, Diana.

I watched the final Harry Potter film today and wept like a little baby from about the point of Snape's remembrances to the end.  'Cause I'm an emotional slob like that.

I will not promise mind-blowing posting of epic proportions because I'm just going to try a little experiment for now.  I'm going to write something here.  Everyday.  Even if I think it is stupid.  Hopefully I will eventually have some stuff up and going again that is NOT stupid.

I'll share today that last night, I felt the first really good kick from Peanut.  I'm about halfway through the pregnancy and that flipping, weirdo feeling in my abdomen just made the whole thing Real.  Which is very exciting.  Scary, as I've said before, but I'm now much more positive and excited about the whole thing.  Especially since all the job stuff is worked out (for me... Min Gi is a whole other story), and I'm pretty settled into my new position.  I'm also moving in a week.  I will explain more on that, I promise, but that's in that category of Overwhelming that I'm currently avoiding.

So for now, I will go back to my homemade pizza dough that is rising (yes, I make my own pizza dough now... see?  A lot has happened since I've been a non-presence in my blog own world), and to the episodes of SYTYCD in my Hulu queue (yes, I still am madly in love with that show), and think about the fact that I MIGHT know Peanut's gender by this time tomorrow.

How are all of you?

Sick Day; New Career

Why does taking a sick day feel like such a personal defeat?  It's not bad enough that you feel terrible and crappy, but there is something about staying home when you're a teacher and ill that makes you emotionally queasy.  Today I am home ill.  It is not my first sick day, and I'm sure it won't be my last in my life, but I always feel like I'm letting everybody down.  Students, other teachers, admin, the subs... it's all a big mess.  And when you're physically ill, you're not in peak condition to handle the guilt and panic that comes with taking the day off.

Perhaps it would be easier to recover if I didn't have this little cloud of gloom hanging over my head.

Blog, I'm sorry for neglecting you.  Readers, I am more sorry for neglecting you than you can imagine.  I have had to focus on my personal life and refrain from negatively blogging about my professional life for the last few months.  I assure you that I have made a large number of life changes that I will be sharing with you over the next month, but I still have four more weeks in this school year before I can officially out myself on some fronts.

The biggest news I can share is that I have accepted a new full time job at the crisis center/suicide hotline where I currently volunteer.  The position begins immediately after the school year ends and reflects a career change for me--from education to nonprofit/counseling.  I am thrilled to be on board at an agency that provides so much for the community and is comprised of such awesome people.  Part of my position as the evening shift (4pm-12am) supervisor involves assisting/training/supervising volunteers, so I guess I'll still be doing some teaching.

However, one of the biggest perks is that I can begin blogging again.  Teaching is so draining (even when it's good) and time-consuming and this year in particular has been so hard on me emotionally.  I haven't even been reading that much, this is how bad it is.  I have had a few adventures that I've completely failed to blog about since arriving back in the U.S. (lots of sailing trips, some different parks and festivals in the area, and some historic sites).  Now, I will have more time, energy, and desire to both do things around DC and write about them.  I am also eager to throw myself back into the simple living movement.

It will be strange for the first time in seven years to shed the label "teacher."  The job has shaped my life in many ways for most of my young adulthood.  It's even in the current blog banner as one of my key identities.  I'm not sure how I will feel when it is actually shed, but right now I have less ambivalence about it than usual and am simply thrilled not to have to be bogged down by everything that label brings with it--the demands, the martyrdom, the pressure, the villainization by the media, the moral expectations from society...

It's been a long time since I've lived without having to think about how my personal life reflects on my career.  Without clipping my wings before even trying to fly with some things.  I'm not even sure I'm fully aware of the extent to which I've been living with this burden.  In some ways, being a teacher in Korea was freeing of that, but even so I felt a pressure to be a "good" ESL teacher (not too much partying/drinking/Korea bashing--but for me that wasn't really hard).

Not that I'm saying teachers should or must amend their personal lives to suit our narrow view of what teachers "should" and "should not" be allowed to do.  In fact, I believe the opposite.  I've always been frustrated by the martyr (or alternatively, better-than-parents, all-sacrificing, or if you're FOX news, the greedy-lazy-unionized) view of teachers where we are expected to somehow fix all the ills of society without ever demanding anything from it.  Why can't a teacher have a side business of romance novelist?  Why can't she have a blog that expresses negative views about her job in general terms?  Why can't he have a drink in a foreign country without getting fired?  I mean... if the teacher didn't bring it up in class and it doesn't affect the job performance what's wrong with a teacher as a professional writer, as a community participant, as a traveler?  A person who is thoughtful and open on all these fronts would only be a BETTER, not worse, teacher.  But I digress...

Anyhow, although I'm battling a vicious cold today and taking care of my body, I find the need to reflect on why I feel all this pressure and wonder if I'll feel the same mental and emotional pressure about my health at my new job.  I'm pretty sure it won't.

Turned 30.

Today I hit the big 3-0.

The last two months have been pretty awful--entirely because of my job situation.  The stress has made the health portion of Project 30 wildly unsuccessful.  I'm doing something to remedy that, but it is a long and painful process.  As much as teachers are being slammed in the media for unionizing, the flipside of all that "job security" is the difficulty in untangling yourself from it unscathed.  Since I don't want to get into the many problems plaguing public education at this moment, I will update you on some of the positives in my life:

1)  We moved in with Dav to a cute little house in a very suburban neighborhood with walking paths to the nearest grocery store and a backyard deck.  The kitties and the humans in my family love it.

2)  Min Gi got a job at a small liquor store owned by a Korean couple about 15 minutes from our house.  The work is dull, but he's happy to be bringing in money and have something to do during the day.

3)  Since the beginning of the year, we've paid off a little more than $2000 of the debt.  Now that we've moved to a more affordable house and Min Gi has income, this should go even faster.

4)  Although the "missing Korea" pangs are still frequent and overwhelming, the hatred I feel towards my own country has subsided somewhat into a kind of casual acceptance.

So, we're chugging along here.  I've finally been able to start reading again, which helps my sanity a lot.  It's inspiring me to at least *want* to write again, though I can't promise I'll be able to until this job stuff resolves itself.  This may be within the next month if an opportunity pans out--let's hope so!

Hiatus

Hi everyone.

Thanks for reading.  My blog is going on hiatus for awhile.  There are many reasons for this, but the main one is that I need to focus on my family right now, and certain family things are going on that I just don't feel like blogging about here.  Beyond that, we don't have a lot of extra money for travel (so that aspect of the blog will be dull for a bit) and my adjustment to the U.S. has been rocky at best (and I really don't enjoy blogging with a heavy heart and angry mind), so the personal nature of this blog would (some would argue has already taken) take a bit of a nosedive.

For those of you just discovering my blog and my Korean journey, enjoy reading the backlog of my adventures.

Will Going Places pick up again in the future?  It's possible.  Even likely.

Right now, as my sister would say, I'm gonna do me.

Peace and love,
Diana

Settled?

We unpacked the final box we'd shipped from Korea last week and attended an American Halloween party.  Min Gi got his social security card and his driver's license.  Tuesday, I have a doctor's appointment.

It feels like something's shifting.  Like maybe I can start to relax just a little and move on with life goals--the ones I put on hold to accomplish this nightmare relocation.  This move has been so all-consuming that I'd almost forgot I even had them.  NaNoWriMo is helping a bit.  As is the Couch-to-5K running program I restarted this week.

I marvel at how different life was six months ago--when we didn't yet have our visa or even tickets for the U.S. and I had no idea how I was going to find a job and get everything done I needed to do to wind us up on the other side of the world with our cats and without being completely broke.

Well... we did it.

I'm still not completely happy here in America.  I don't know if that's the adjustment, reverse culture shock, or the shortening days (winter is never easy for me), but I do know that I'm starting to feel settled.  That this house and this job are starting to feel like "mine" instead of just the place I live and the place I teach.  It helps to have found places for everything; it helps that I've been able to plan out the quarter, rather than going day by day/week by week with my lessons.

As I enter the first American "holiday season" I've had in almost four years, I feel unwound.  Like I've been a tight coil for a year and half of short-term, high-pressure goals--all achieved, all stressful, many fun (to name a few:  completing grad school, planning a wedding and honeymoon, getting Min Gi's visa, moving to America and repatriating, dealing with a new chronic illness)--and now I have no bounce.  But maybe I can use this flexibility and rest to my advantage.  Use it to sift through my new identity as wife.  As American-in-America.  As high school English teacher (maybe, in the near future, drama teacher).  Use it to work on my health, my career, and my writing.

Let's hope.  I need some inspiration!

Just a Taste...

I'm at 3419 words.  Apparently, the word counter doesn't like it when you write ahead, so even though I'm on track for the month, it says I didn't meet today's goal.  Odd.

In case you're curious about what I'm writing for NaNoWriMo, it's a young adult novel, currently titled Calling It In.  Here's the description I posted:

Katie's senior year of high school was supposed to be the best... but then her older sister announces that she's moving to Korea, her boyfriend for the last two years dumps her as he enters college, and talking to people with problems at the youth crisis hotline where she volunteers starts to feel a little too personal.

A short, unedited excerpt from what I wrote today for NaNoWriMo:

Every night for the year after It had happened, Katie had the same nightmare. She was in a strange Asian-looking temple that was like a maze with walls that stretched on forever. Her mother's voice echoed from just around the next corner, "I'm here, Katie. Come find me! Help! I need your help!" But when Katie rounded the corner, there would just be more of the maze and the bright colored scenes of the Buddha and tigers and wise old fat men and dragons with fish in their mouths.

"I'm coming, Mom! Just hold on for a moment. I can't find you." She'd run and run and run until she was out of breath, but still there was more maze.

Right when she was about to give up, her mother's voice would say, "There, there Katie. You could never find me here. I don't belong here."

And then Katie's mocha skin and straight black hair would start to glow and burn.

"It hurts, Mommy," she would cry out.

But her mother was gone. And the pictures seemed to be smiling at her burning skin. Mocking her with some secret zen knowledge that was forever denied to her.

Even when she was awake that year, she stopped looking in mirrors. If she didn't look in the mirrors, she could pretend that she looked like Deena and her mother. She could belong. 

First Quarter Finished, NaNoWriMo started

I submitted class grades for the first time since 2007, and I must say, I like how this new computerized system keeps me on my toes so that I have to actually finish all of my grades for a numbered percent.  I used to flub it a bit--as in sometimes the last essay/test of the quarter didn't actually make a difference to the kid's letter grade as long as they handed it in; I would save those to grade after submitting grades, thereby perpetually extending my own deadline and my stress.  Now that I'm done, I feel relief.  Even if more of my ninth graders failed this quarter than I would have liked to see.

I also started my NaNoWriMo.  1957 words for the first day (of a minimum 50,000 required).  It took a little less than two hours today.  I'm happy to be writing so freely--no constant self-editing judgement, just get it done.  Check out (if it works) the widget on the side to track my progress.

I'm getting all "guh"

I miss having free time.  Teaching high school English in the U.S. is a very, very demanding job.

Something I've noticed... the culture here in PG county/suburban DC, that I was pretty "in touch" with three years ago, is now something almost completely foreign to me.  Part of it is getting older, but part of it is missing all those subtle cultural shifts that happen imperceptibly and rapidly without anyone who is a participant noticing.  Three years ago, almost no one but political bloggers referred to the Supreme Court as SCOTUS.  I still can't pick Katy Perry (yes, I had to look up how to spell her name) or Justin Bieber out of a lineup of similarly prepified tweens (frankly, who the heck cares?).  And now my students say things like "Mrs. S, you be getting me all guh," and I feel like I did when I was first learning about Korea and didn't know what "service" was (Good lord, I miss "service-uh").

It's got me thinking about cultural observations as an outsider in Korea and reflecting on how much I did or didn't understand.  Like if I hadn't grown up in the DC area, I might think some of these things were unique to this area, when really, they're new to the culture, not just regional.  Many things about Korean youth culture changed so rapidly that my students taught me things about Korean culture that older people, or even the venerable Korean of Ask a Korean wouldn't know.

How does culture change?  How permanent are the changes (or are they short term trends, like the Macarena)?  When we're living in it, we can't really know.  It's only over time that the depth of the change is revealed.

I think some things are easier to see from the outside (like the consequences of American consumerism) and others impossible to fully grasp except from within (like age-based hierarchy in Korean society, which I understand academically and linguistically but just don't get at all).  Living in a foreign land and marrying a non-American has made me a bit of an outsider of the culture once again.  And the first thing I've been truly excited about since coming back is trying to make sense of it all.  I've got my puzzle back.

Illness and Reverse Culture Shock

For the last week I've been dealing with a creeping cold/flu which reached a new frenzy early this morning.  I'm still feeling like crap, but hopefully taking the day to rest will allow my body to heal.

I haven't been updating because of my illness and increased depression--which I believe may be related to reverse culture shock.  I'm glad I have a new job, but now that I'm in the routine of a "daily grind," my adjustment (or rather maladjustment) to my homeland has actually begun.  Coping with that, with all the issues related to Min Gi's immigration, and with a new job that's a lot more stressful than my last one is taking a toll on my health and my ability to write.  I have very little energy these days.

Plus, my last living grandparent, my mother's mom, died this weekend.

It's been a bad week.  I can only hope that it will get better.

Unemployed Teacher

In the DC area, tomorrow marks the first day of school for many districts, including Prince George's County, my old haunt. As you know, I've been looking for work in the US since way back in February. It's been a frustrating, humiliating, desperation-making, humorous, and slow experience. The end result of it all is that I have now joined the ranks of the US unemployed. Not that I'd even be counted in the statistics, since the job I left was in Korea (and I left it voluntarily), so I don't qualify for benefits. Plus, I do have part-time work as an editor. But my career? The one for which I hold the highest certification the State of Maryland can bestow? The one that would give me health insurance and enough money to support me, my immigrant husband, and his mother back in Korea and allow us to consider starting a family? Yeah... I guess that's "on hold" for now.

Way back in college, I made the decision to become a teacher for several reasons.  First was that I love literature and writing and want to share this joy with as many people as possible.  Up there as a major secondary reason, though, was a virtual guarantee of a livable salary and work available just about anywhere in the world I wanted to go.  I didn't ever want to end up where I am now, unemployed, living in my parents' house, so rather than pursue some other more "unstable" lines of work, like freelance writing, acting, or publishing, I became a teacher.  After all, year after year in America they were practically begging bums on the street to fill their classrooms.  Fellow teachers and I regularly joked about how they almost preferred "warm bodies" to competent people because of the ridiculous hoops you have to jump through for certifications and the like. I figured teaching would always be "safe" from an employment perspective.

Here I am, six solid years of experience and a Master's degree later, unable to get a job.  I am an unemployed teacher.

My plan from back in Korea was that if I couldn't find a job, I would just substitute teach for a bit and get my name known around at a few schools so that when an opening did come up, I could slide in, no problem. Well, even that plan is blown. Montgomery and PG have no subbing openings. And I don't really have a car (I borrow family members' cars), so I can't commute many other places--not for subbing (I'd figure it out if I was offered a permanent position).

My backup plan--to change careers into public relations, editing, or writing--is moving slowly because as few contacts as I have in education here, I have even fewer in those areas (although, as I said, I do have a part-time, freelance editing gig that's helping keep me sane).  I have one very exciting, very promising lead, but it's moving at a snail's pace.

I'm lucky.  I have a family that can support my basic needs while I try to figure out a way to become independent again.  It's not ideal, but I have a place to sleep and food to eat and transportation most days.  Mom has offered to help out with health insurance if it looks like the unemployment will last for awhile, and it looks like I will have to take her up on that offer, though I really, really don't want to (um... point of moving back to US being to HELP my parents, not be a burden on them).  And I am truly grateful to them for their help and support.  I'm trying to pay them back in ways I can--cooking dinner for everyone (maybe even saving them money by doing so), helping out with the remodeling projects around the house, organizing and minimizing the stuff I put in storage before I left for Korea--but my number one priority is becoming independent of their care again.  It's ridiculous that a married career woman should be this dependent on her parents.

It's hard on me.  I'm a planner, but with no idea of what the future looks like, it's nigh impossible to actually make plans.  I have two dependents, Min Gi and his mom back in Korea.  We have a plan figured out for the financial support of his mom, but he and I are moving back to dependency--which also means we're putting our plans to start a family on hold (bad idea to get pregnant with no health insurance, no job, and no house).  This is depressing.

I'm staying positive.  I'm trying to enjoy my unemployment time by reading more, experimenting in the kitchen, and staying active.  I've taken on a number of self-improvement projects, which I will be blogging about as I go through them.  I'm considering just making the leap into self-employment, but unfortunately my health situation (unless we figure something out there) makes that an untenable plan for the long-term (stupid America's stupid lack of appropriate, affordable health care).  I just have to learn patience.  Patience is not a strength of mine.  But this whole experience is schooling me in it.