Baby J: Week One

Baby J's been growing now for seven days--a whole week!  He's beginning to be a lot more alert and active.  I'm recovering, too.  Here are some photo updates of our adventures so far:

I don't know if you can quite tell he has blue eyes here, but he does have a very expressive face.

Bonding with Min Gi (taken at night with no lights with his iPod Touch, so sorry for the quality).

Mommy is proud of the little man!

He really loves a good, tight swaddle for sleeping.

Getting ready for breakfast!

I discover the joys of the Moby wrap.  Baby on, no hands!

Sleeping burrito.

He is learning to self-soothe.  Besides... you can never have enough sleeping baby photos.

We're all trying to figure out a routine that works for us.  Since he seems to want to eat every two hours or so, mostly this routine involves me tethered to the kid for all but a few hours here and there of grandpa or grandma or auntie time (all life-savers for a new mom).  I'm learning how to rest/bathe/eat/etc. while he rests, but it's kind of a juggling act since the baby is the little booby dictator.  (As in, when he wants the booby, he loudly demands it and so he receives).

I've managed to disappear 19 lbs in the last seven days.  But that's not really an accomplishment when you consider that I had packed on 50ish in the last nine months... whoops.  Having a waist again is pretty cool.  Not as cool as having a baby, but I do like it.

I've started him on cloth diapers.  It's nowhere near as hard as everyone acts like it is.  However, they are massive on a tiny newborn (more bulky layers to absorb baby excretions), so that's kind of funny.  More updates when I can.  The little Booby Dictator has just woken up.

J.P. Sung

Right now, my four day old son, J, is napping.  Thanks to my mother (super-grandma), I am caught up on enough rest to actually post some info here about what has been the most incredible event of my life.  Unfortunately, my brain is too addled to reflect properly on the events that have occurred and recount them faithfully and entertainingly for you here at this time.  I will try to do so soon.  For now, basic stats:

Born 12/2/2011 at 4:47am. I had a very short first labor, dilating from 4cm to ready to push in just 1.5 hours. The nurse and doctor actually made me wait another 45 min because they hadn't set anything up. Even with the epidural, it was a lot of pain to hold back. 20 min of pushing, and then he was out!

He weighed 7lbs, 10oz (3.465 kg), had an immediate Apgar score of 9. He has curly dark blond hair (surprising!) and deep blue eyes that are rapidly turning brown. First hints of a smile here.

One proud daddy!  Min Gi has been amazing.  He was totally supportive during labor and has turned into an expert diaperer overnight.  Plus, he remains super-organized with all our stuff and caring for the kitties and basic needs while I recover.  I love him all over again.

Ready to eat!  This is my favorite picture, since it's what I see every 2-3 hours when I'm feeding the little dude.  He's so much fun!

Baby's first mohawk. Post-bath.

Yes, I just delivered a baby. Of course I look like crap and need to stuff my face. This is the only one of me Min Gi took in the hospital that doesn't have a boob hanging out. Sorry.

Grandpa! So happy.

We're home now.  At my follow up appointment today, the baby is already gaining weight and is perfectly healthy and happy.  We had a small bumpy start to breast-feeding, but with the help of the lactation consultant at the hospital, that has been resolved and all is well.

Having a baby is totally exhausting, but it's also a LOT more fun than I thought.  I hope you enjoy the update!  I will try to keep up a bit here in between all the lovin'.

Thankful.

Happy Thanksgiving, everyone.  I've been crabby and impatient the last few days dealing with the end-of-pregnancy body blahs, but I'm still very thankful for many things in my life.  This list is not really in order, but here we are:

1.  Always and forever, I am thankful to Min Gi, who continues to surprise me with his patience, concern, love, and growth. He's about to be the best damn dad in the whole world to our little one--I can tell.
2.  I am thankful for the closeness I've had with my family this year.  My family is not always easy to get along with up close, but the last year has been one of a surprising increase in the depth and quality of my relationships with each of my immediate family members.  Most especially my mother, who at one time I believed I could never have the kind of close relationship I desired.  Do they still drive me nuts?  Sure.  But we are all in a very good place these days.  It was unexpected.
3.  I am very thankful for my mental health recovery.  Being depressed sucks (so y'all know).
4.  Despite the discomforts of the last few weeks, I'm thankful that my first time ever being pregnant has been so healthy and successful.  I know not everyone gets that, so even though I have griped and dealt with negative hormonal surges, I've been pretty darn lucky overall.
5.  I am thankful that I found a job I love and believe in and feel valued and competent.  This probably has contributed to #3 more than anything else.  I am thankful to my co-workers and for the opportunity that came about at such a fortuitous moment in my life.  And extremely thankful about how supportive they have been of my transition to motherhood.
6.  I am very thankful for friends near and far who have been patient with my funk earlier in 2011 and, despite largely electing to be childless themselves (so far for some), tolerant of my increasing baby-brain-ness.  I am thankful for the new friends I've made who are already moms (and some old friends who have grown close again because of this) and have been helping me through a lot of this.
7.  I am thankful for Min Gi's family who support us immeasurably from Korea.  I know he misses them a ton and I *will* find a way for us to visit them next spring or summer.
8.  I am thankful for the strides we have made this year financially as a family unit.  Compared to this time last year, we are in a much better place as far as working together to accomplish monetary goals.  We still have a long way to go, and I promise I'll start blogging about this again, but for now, Min Gi and I are just a lot more supportive of each other and a lot more comfortable expressing our true needs than we were.  It's pretty awesome.
9. I am thankful for the health of our other two family members--Saja and Princess--who have been through 5 moves in the last two years (one of which was international) and have adjusted stunningly each time.  Dear, dear kitties.
10.  Everyday, I am more and more thankful for the choices my privileged life allows.  I become more aware of them as I grow older, and sometimes it's hard to think about how lucky I am because of the difficulties I see, but overall, I'm a very lucky, lucky person.

Ultrasound Image

Ultrasound images are now all fancy and 3-D awesome, but I'm still not one who really would regularly expose the innards of her uterus for mass consumption.  However, when I went for my second one at 24 weeks, the little one showed his Korean roots by flipping the Korean "V" for victory sign in an early picture, so I felt the need to share:



My friend, Jim, insists that he's actually throwing a gang sign, but I'm pretty sure that's the Korean "look at the camera" thing.  What do you think?

Lazy Mom's Note:  This image is from way back in August.  The baby is now at least five times the size he was, but I finally got around to scanning this image in so that you can see.  Yes, yes I am that lazy.

November Already?

How did it get to be the end of 2011 already?  And how is it that the most important event of my 2011 (in case you can't figure that one out, it's the birth of my first child sometime in the next month or so) has not even happened yet?

I'm feeling very transitional these days, and I'm becoming more comfortable with it.  I usually like to have a set plan for the next six months, year, and five years mapped out.  I've always remained flexible with these plans, allowing them to change as new life stuff comes up, but I feel a lot more comfortable when I know where I'm going next.

However, I've come to terms over the last three months that I cannot possibly predict what my life will be like after the birth of my son.  (Three months ago, with hormones raging, I was utterly despondent over the loss of control becoming a parent represented.  Although I chose not to blog about my misery, rest assured there was much fighting with Min Gi and fear of insanity...).  I can imagine and hope and daydream about the kind of parent I'd like to be, but if I'm honest with myself, I cannot possibly know what my priorities will be after our family grows by 50 percent, other than to assume that my child will be in my top five, likely vying for the top two, along with my marriage. 

This makes things like planning a career path, health and financial goals, travel adventures, or writing projects somewhat up in the air.  I'm guessing these things will still be very important to me, but the way I approach them and the shapes they take may alter dramatically.  And that's ok.

Today, at 36 weeks and change, I had another ultrasound to determine the position of the baby (he's head down, which is grand) and the approximate size of the beast at the moment (around 6lbs 5oz, though my doctor cautions that 3rd trimester scans are not very accurate and it could be a pound up or down from there).  All is healthy and well.  On Friday, he will officially be "term" meaning that they won't try to stop labor if it starts, although we're still hoping he goes to 39+ weeks, since that's best for his development.

I'm about ready to have my body back to myself, although it will ironically signal a much more profound movement away from independence than pregnancy.  I'll let you know how that goes.

Baby Fever/Spoiling Myself

This morning I found myself immersed in a deep conversation with the contents of my uterus.

It's not like I haven't held conversations before with beings that cannot possibly actually respond in a common language--I talk to my cats most days.  I have been known to heckle a tree or two in my day.  I've even cooed at my various pieces of technology that just needed a bit of coaxing to function.  But speaking to my own body is new.

It's happened.  I finally caught the baby fever.  Maybe I just read enough books to feel like I may actually have a clue how to care for a human creature under the age of two.  Maybe I was swept away by the awesomeness of cottonbabies, a company that makes cloth diapering systems that humans who are not super-adept supermoms can actually use.  Maybe feeling the little one squirming around on a regular basis makes the whole thing more real.  Maybe it's just third trimester hormones kicking in.

Whatever it is...  I'm finally at that gross, gooey-eyed, baby-obsessed stage where everything on my to-do list, every thought that forms in my brain, nearly every piece of media I absorb is centered around all things baby.  Preparing for baby, shopping for baby, talking about baby.  Baby, baby, baby.  I make myself sick when I think about it from an objective point of view.  But I can't be objective here.  Baby is too damned important.  Dudes, I'm responsible for the care, formation, and rearing of another human.  It's like I'm Dr. Frankenstein here--IT'S ALIVE!!!  And we all know where that story ended...

At the same time, a powerful need to indulge and appreciate these final months of me-focused Diana life has taken over.  Whenever I find those baby fever urges taking over the animal cortex of my brain, I suddenly find myself in a car, driving to a cafe or restaurant to sit for a few hours over some yummy indulgent drink or food and read a novel.  I have to cling to this last quiet resistance of solitude and peace and adult independence.  I nap whenever I can, precisely because I can do so right now.  I'm making plans with people I haven't seen in months/years.

It's like storing up for winter.  I'm the ant of young adult self-obsession.

Most of my blog readers (that I know of) don't have kids.  I don't really want Going Places to turn into something that resembles the blog version of the people mocked for the their facebook status updates on STFU, Parents, but it does seem likely I'm going to need a place to obsessively recount my (mis) adventures in booby feeding, poo obsession, and indulgent bragging about the wonder of my perfect infant.  I don't plan to subsume my identity on the almighty alter of motherhood, but let's be honest here--from the time the kid finally arrives, mommy brain will likely take over.

To that end, I'm working on a blogging solution that should enable me to balance the two competing lizard brains of my soul--the independent woman who started this blog, and the woman who's about to become a mom.  (There are hints of it in a blog I started on wordpress about a year ago.)  For now, I will just say that most of the reason for my failure to post here is an inability to self-regulate the conflicting nature of my interests, and my desire to spare my loyal readers the indecencies of pregnancy.

For those of you who've been craving the nasty oh-my-god-my-boobs-are-now-eclipsed-by-the-massiveness-of- my-belly and middle-of-the-night-gross-bodily-function updates, I promise that I'll have a separate place for that so that you may sympathize with (or mock) me to your hearts' contents in the upcoming weeks.

I will be posting such Mama Drama and Baby Obsessive posts at my new blog, The Parentally Challenged.  Enjoy!

Natural Disaster #2: Goodnight, Irene.

What a week it has been here in the DC/Baltimore area, folks.  And damn, I should really be careful about wishing for experiences.

Just as we were all coming off of the collective "phew" from the earthquake that caused very little damage and even fewer casualties, the weatherpersons started to project a path of doom for the Hurricane Irene creeping up the east coast to finally hit North Carolina on Saturday, pounding the crap out of most of the eastern sea board up into Canada.

We don't often get hurricanes in this area--they usually fizzle out to minorly annoying tropical storms before they even cause us any rain--so we aren't particularly equipped to handle them well.  The last serious hurricane here was when Hurricane Isabel found her way up the Chesapeake Bay eight years ago.  I was in college down in St. Mary's, which is a low-lying area surrounded by water.  I hunkered down for the storm a bit more inland (with my friend Amy, who is--interestingly enough--expecting her first child about a week after mine) and remember that the main effects were a loss of power lasting an average of 8-72 hours for most people, major flooding (I know some people who lost homes in Georgetown from that), and downed trees becoming projectile missiles that destroyed parts of homes, cars, and anything else they fancied smashing into.

The nice thing about a hurricane (and just about the ONLY "nice" thing about a hurricane) is that you usually have plenty of time to prepare for the doom. Which is great (because you can prevent a lot of casualties and some more severe property loss), but also sucks because you feel obligated to do a whole lot of things to prepare that may prove unnecessary because the path of the storm alters.

With the memory of Isabel in mind, after working my 8 hour shift at the crisis hotline on Friday (with lots of people calling to ask for info about the storm), I slept only a few hours and spent all morning Saturday prepping my folks' house for the storm and making some foods that wouldn't require the use of electricity to eat (pasta salad, anyone?).  Since my parents are doing a lot of home repairs at the moment, by the time I finished, I was dripping with sweat and the garage was bursting with renovation supplies, trash cans, plastic bins, and assorted lawn things.   Then it was time to shower and head back in to work.

The worst bit of the storm was predicted for this area between 10pm Saturday and 3am Sunday.  Well... I work 4pm-12am on Saturday, so I just packed up the blow up camping bed, an overnight bag, plenty of food, and headed in figuring that I would wait to leave until after things had calmed down.  I crashed in a co-worker's office after my shift ended and woke up around 7:30 am.  We only lost power twice during the storm, and it came back quickly (within 5 minutes) both times.

As my drive home (and Sunday evening shift at work with many, many calls from people in crisis because of the storm) proved, we were very lucky.  Every other neighborhood I drove through seemed to have some major property damage/power loss.  The ones between were completely untouched.  I'm grateful that my family's house was spared, but I know others, like Amanda, dealt with some major damage and long-term outages.  School openings were delayed in Southern Maryland.  People in Baltimore are still without power.  The news is saying the property damage is reaching record highs and at least 31 deaths have been attributed to the storm.

My husband found the whole thing exhilarating, but he was definitely anxious.  Korea is not a country that gets much in the way of earthquakes, thunderstorms (which DC has had plenty of in late summer), or hurricanes, so it was all new for him.  He worried himself sick about me, even though he knew exactly where I was and that I wasn't doing stupid things like driving home in the middle of the storm.

Generally, the people who analyze this sort of thing (like my friend Sam who works on NOAA's latest hurricane weather computer modeling) say that the DC metro area got off pretty light, and I tend to agree.  Although that doesn't really help the people who did lose a lot.  (Side note--I'm really going to have to have a rant one of these days about how not opening storm shelters until after the storm is well under way in a county that has a significant homeless population living out of cars and under bridges and bleachers is unacceptable.  Telling them to "stay in the basement" doesn't help, morons.)

Let's hope that was the last bit of "excitement" on the mother nature front for at least... say... the next three months.  At which point I'm sure that the labor and delivery of my feisty child will be about all the "natural" and "disaster" I can tolerate.

It's been a rough week.

I had a really great day on Monday, and then I got sick--feverish, headachey, generally blah.  I've been dragging since then, taking Tylenol as needed to ward off the fever and the headache.  Meanwhile, Min Gi's got his follow-up procedure scheduled for Monday (finally), but that means I've had to be more supportive and whatnot with the doctors' appointments and procedure prep.  On top of that, I've been in paperwork filing mode with all the insurance and address changes that come with the move, anticipation of family change, and the new job.  Stress is no fun.
Relief is in sight for next week, though, so I remain hopeful that I can get back into my healthy routine.  I've also discovered Amy's Kitchen organic frozen meals.  They are pricier than regular frozen meals (still less than eating out), but they taste so much better and are all vegetarian (many are even vegan), so I don't have to read ingredient lists if I don't want to (but the organic focus means that I actually understand all of the ingredients on the lists--surprise, surprise...).  All the ones I've tried so far have been really, really good.  For weeks like this where it's all I can do to get out of bed, I think this may be a reasonable compromise.

I'm hoping all goes well tomorrow and that next week is a better week where I get to sleep for at least 12 hours straight--you only think I'm kidding.

Project 30, Derailed. Health Goals.

Well, naturally, the day after I turned 30, I found out I was pregnant.  Which is great.  But losing 30lbs and dropping $30,000 debt?  Not going to happen this year.  Try gaining 30lbs and adding debt from a recent, significant purchase (to-be-blogged-next, along with a re-assessment of my financial goals).

My health goals have changed temporarily to focus on improving health for optimal health of the child and in preparation of delivery.  I tried to do this before I went on vacation last month, but I should have known that was a doomed-to-fail endeavor since I was in transitional mode.  However, I moved last week to a new place and am pretty settled into a routine with my new job/location.  Sure, that will all be uprooted in four months when I have an infant, but for now I'm in a good place to work on some goal-setting.

So, then, health goals for August:

1.  Exercise:  4-5 days/week, building up to about 60 minutes per session by the end of the month.

Last week, I joined a local gym with a pool and set a goal of swimming 4 times/week.  I met that goal and am continuing it, while building up the number of laps I swim each session.  I started out swimming 20 laps in 20 minutes (do NOT mock the slowness... I am coming back from months and months of lack of regular exercise).  I'm up to about 40 minutes and 40ish laps each time.  I would like to achieve swimming 50ish laps in 45 minutes each session by the end of the month and add in 2-3 days/week of also using the elliptical (either before the pool or on another day) for about 15 minutes at a time.  I am working up to this slowly and building my strength/endurance right now.

The results?  It's amazing!  I'm having almost no pregnancy-related pains now (some aches from muscle building, but nothing like the back/leg cramping I was having the last couple weeks before the move that kind of killed the walking routine I was trying to turn into a habit).  It's also helped the heartburn that was beginning (there is less of it) and has kept my weight gain a bit more reasonable.  I really like this pool and my hours make it easy to go at a time when there are very few people there who don't work there (between 10am and noon).  I have a ways to go as I build my time up this month, but I'm definitely on my way!

Also, I am tracking my daily exercise in a spreadsheet so can see the progress.  It's nice.

2.  Nutrition:  Stop eating out and cook at home, already!

Now that I've moved in, I need to get back into meal planning and bringing dinner with me to work instead of relying on fast food.  It's hard to do this because I'm adjusting to a whole new rhythm of life at home that contends with a lot more than just my and my husband's needs.  I've decided as a baby step, I'm going to allow myself to rely on frozen meals for work dinners.  I'll even let myself splurge on Amy's brand (the all-organic, unfortunately expensive one) because it's still better than stopping for Burger King or McDs on the way home or ordering pizza/Chinese at the hotline because I get a sudden craving.

The second part of my plan to cut back on fast food and dining out is to bring fruit with me every day to work.  Sometimes I don't want a whole meal, but I do need to bring healthy snacks.  Maybe yogurt, too.  That's probably a good idea.

So... the goal for this month then?  No more food from outside the home for just me.  Dates with the husband or pizza with my dad after sailing or lunch/coffee with a friend are ok, but those are not frequent events, really.  The daily drive thru habit I developed in conjunction with working?  That needs to go.  Like yesterday.

I did better with this today (since I decided on it today), but I need to make it a top health priority now, and I can only do this through good planning to break a bad habit.

I was going to put a third goal in there, but realized that two is probably good for a focused start.  I'll post more about how they are coming along during the month and review at the end of August as well as setting two new goals for myself.  Yay goals!

Pregnancy Dreams

People were NOT kidding about how vivid and strange the dreams are when you're expecting.  I've had some so real that I woke up furious with Min Gi for offenses he had no idea ever even could have happened.  For example, one night I dreamed he won a small lottery of $1,900.  He was happy and wanted to use some of the money to celebrate at a bar with his friends.  I said that's fine.

Well, the man ran up a $2,500 bar tab!  He had bought everyone rounds and purchased some very pricey hard liquor and when all was said and done, we were in the hole $600.  I was just so mad at him when I woke up.

I've had dreams of being a secret agent, a man, about childhood friends I no longer speak to, about living in countries all over the world...  It's been exhausting.

It's a...

...boy!

This sonogram was by far the coolest thing I've experienced so far with my health care during pregnancy.  Not only did we find out the gender, but the technician walked us through how the anatomy was developing and we got lots and lots of pictures (including some 3-D) of the little fella in utero.  He looks like a tiny old man--all crinkly and bald with his eyes all squinty.

But it was all good news.  Everything looks healthy and normal.  He's an active guy, squirming around a bunch and licking his arm and crossing and uncrossing his legs and whatnot.  But they could see the developing heart and bones and kidneys and brain and everything.  He weighs about 14 oz right now and they adjusted my due date to November 30 based on the measurements from today.  They also checked my cervix length (longer is better and mine's well above average).

Min Gi was super excited about the whole thing.  He loved watching the baby move around and seeing the different angles.  When I get to a scanner, I'll share some with you guys, but for now, I'm just spreading the news.  Welcome to our baby boy.

Overwhelmed? Just start...

Ok, so I really am ready to begin again with this blogging thing, but I'm having some troubles because I'm overwhelmed with where to begin, how on earth to play catch-up to my satisfaction, and the urgent desire to make whatever I'm posting extremely worthy of reading to those of you who have been waiting for my return (you know... all five of you, including Mom and Dad).

And I guess instead of worrying about all of the blogging "tasks" I want to do, I should just start by posting an honest admission that I am overwhelmed.  And then... to just begin.

So here I am.  Hello.  Welcome back, Diana.

I watched the final Harry Potter film today and wept like a little baby from about the point of Snape's remembrances to the end.  'Cause I'm an emotional slob like that.

I will not promise mind-blowing posting of epic proportions because I'm just going to try a little experiment for now.  I'm going to write something here.  Everyday.  Even if I think it is stupid.  Hopefully I will eventually have some stuff up and going again that is NOT stupid.

I'll share today that last night, I felt the first really good kick from Peanut.  I'm about halfway through the pregnancy and that flipping, weirdo feeling in my abdomen just made the whole thing Real.  Which is very exciting.  Scary, as I've said before, but I'm now much more positive and excited about the whole thing.  Especially since all the job stuff is worked out (for me... Min Gi is a whole other story), and I'm pretty settled into my new position.  I'm also moving in a week.  I will explain more on that, I promise, but that's in that category of Overwhelming that I'm currently avoiding.

So for now, I will go back to my homemade pizza dough that is rising (yes, I make my own pizza dough now... see?  A lot has happened since I've been a non-presence in my blog own world), and to the episodes of SYTYCD in my Hulu queue (yes, I still am madly in love with that show), and think about the fact that I MIGHT know Peanut's gender by this time tomorrow.

How are all of you?

Project 30: Vacation Health Goals

Tomorrow I leave for Martha's Vineyard (again) for a much anticipated vacation that was planned before I found out I was pregnant or decided to quit my job as a teacher.  Although vacations tend to not advance monetary goals, Min Gi and I have taken some steps to limit the wild spending spree that can accompany travel by planning ahead for cooking in the house we're renting and scoping out cheap/free activities to do on the island.  My sister, her boyfriend, and some of the friends that are accompanying us are also trying to economize, so we'll at least have good company.

That said, I'm not going to let financial concerns stop me from having a good time.  This may well be our last long trip as a twosome for a bit, and I plan to enjoy it thoroughly.  I can let money worries overwhelm me at times, but the reality is that we've come up with a new way to once again cut our housing expenses in half to survive on my reduced income (more about that when we come back from the trip), and because I opted for the summer-pay option when I was teaching, I'm essentially bringing in double pay right now.  So even though I'm worried about the future and baby expenses, we're not in all that terrible of a position.  I need to chill about it.

Every week, I'm going to set some health goals in an attempt to improve my general health and make my labor/birth easier.  I'll try to reflect on how they went when I set new ones.  Since I'll be on vacation this week, my goals will be simple:

1)  Drink at least 8 glasses of water each day.  (Pregnancy makes me thirsty; it's hot out and I'm getting some dehydration easily).  I will bring a refillable bottle to take around with me to assist in this process.
2)  Do 2 sets of "pregnancy" exercises each day: squats, Kegels, cat stretch, and wall stretch.  (I should be getting plenty of activity this week, but I need to start doing these recommended things for the next few months to improve strength and flexibility where I need it).

I'm going to start recording water consumption and activity this week in a journal (hopefully food journaling will be a goal for next week).  I'll let you know how I did with these two goals next Friday.

What I Learned from a Bad Job...

I don't want to get into the specifics of the problems I had teaching this year for many reasons, but I would like to give myself some closure on my blog before I move on into the much more hopeful future that awaits me.  My last day with students was last Friday, and I cleaned out my classroom on Monday.  So now that I've finished and can finally breathe and feel like myself for the first time in MONTHS, here are some things I learned about myself while enduring this year:
...

1.  If you are dissatisfied in your work to the point that you must medicate, it deeply affects your self-esteem and self-image.

2.  There is a double-edged sword to the job security that a teaching job provides in that it lacks flexibility.  The consequences for quitting before the end of a contract are extreme.

3.  It is hard to be a generous, caring, understanding partner when you are profoundly depressed.  Corollary:  My marriage is worth more than my career.  I need to be reminded of this one sometimes.

4.  Bureaucracy can be more than a nuisance that you must rise above; it can make it impossible to do what you are supposed to do.

5.  Not all problems in education can be solved or overcome by the hard work and dedication of a single teacher.  Not even most of the problems in education can be solved that way.  Believing this is naive.

Much of my idealism about teaching (an especially about public schools) and my faith in my own abilities as a teacher have been blown up this year.  I have taught successfully in many situations and many different groups for six years, but this one year at a school that was a bad fit for me (to use the politically correct phrasing), has made me question all of my previous accomplishments.  I am not a person who backs down when facing a challenge or gives up easily, but this year just knocked the crap out of me.  I will not return to teaching again until I have had enough time to reflect on this.  I do hope that I one day decide to try again, and that the fear that I'm no longer capable of teaching students does not prove to win the day.  But I do not know.

For now, I'm loving my new job at the hotline, looking forward to a vacation over the July 4th holiday, buying big clothes for the expanding belly, and updating this blog about my recent and planned adventures.  That's right--I'm back, baby!

Life's Little Changes

Yesterday, I heard the very fast, tinny heartbeat of my thirteenish-week-old soon-to-be baby at the OB's office on something that I swear she called a Doppler radar.

I know what you're thinking--I'm about to run off into a sloppy, sentimental tear-jerker about how joyous and bubbly I am at the thought of giving birth to my "little miracle" as the literature on classes offered by the local hospital likes to call it.  But you're wrong.

Being pregnant has been a hell of a ride.  Besides the hormonal rages, exhaustion that felt like when I had mono in college, and ongoing battle with morning sickness that could only be made tolerable by the use of acupressure wristbands, the emotional shock to my system is jarring.  As I enter the second trimester and the physical nastiness is subsiding, those emotional issues have nothing left to hide behind.

I'm experiencing a kind of raw vulnerability unlike anything I've ever known in my life.  I can't plan or predict or adequately prepare for the reality of motherhood--the very concept is beyond me.

Every decision, no matter how mundane or trivial before, is now being made as if under the bright hot lights of a police interrogation room.  Are you sure you want to get the ant traps with chemicals?  They could cause birth defects, right?  And let's not even get into the career-path choices I'm dealing with at the same time.  (Why oh why are you switching to a career earning $20K less per year than your already underpaid profession???)

But it's not even my own decisions that are killer.  I can control those.  Own them.  It's the decisions other people in my life make, like my husband, that are impossible to handle.

I have to rely on people, especially Min Gi; I'm only just now beginning to fathom the extent to which I cannot control the actions and behaviors of others.  This loss of control at a time when I need it the most to shape and form the best life for this future person growing inside me is unbearable.  Now, I know I'm a control freak.  And I've learned by and large to let go of this less attractive side of my personality over time, but it's rearing its ugly head with a fiery vengeance in the wake of the terror at the responsibility I am about to assume.

Don't get me wrong here; I want to have children.  Min Gi is excited and bubbly about it.  I have a lot of support from family and friends and current and future employers.  But I think this glowy-happy-angelic view we have of pregnancy only makes those of us (and I suspect there are more of you out there than will admit it) with some ambivalence feel alone.  Isolated.  Abandoned.

The combination of the fear, isolation, and loss of control is not pretty.  I'm fighting.  With my mom.  With Min Gi.  With my friends.  With myself.  I look at myself and see not a grown woman capable of raising a child with joy and poise, but a scared little girl that needs tending but fights back at everyone who tries to get in to help.

I hesitate to post this to my blog (which not that many people still read... thankfully) because of the public nature of the forum and knowing (hoping) that these feelings are temporary and will be overcome and replaced by others of a more positive and possibly nausea-inducing sugar-coated variety.  But I hope that both in revealing the pregnancy and in discussing the feelings I have about it honestly, I might be able to pull myself through it a bit faster.  And maybe, just maybe, make those of you feeling something similar less afraid to reach out and talk to someone about it.