Merry Christmas, 2011; And, ambivalence.

Jeongmin smiled at me for the first time (real smile, not just gas or contentment) on X-mas eve.  I captured it on camera Christmas morning.

This year for Christmas, we had an especially lovely family celebration. My dad's brother, Rob, and his wife and son joined us for the festivities. Plus, of course, I suppose Jeongmin's first Christmas is a big deal (even if he won't remember it, being only three weeks old).  I'm not a sentimental "Oh my god--it's baby's First Christmas!!!" type, but Min Gi is and so is my mother, so I'm glad it was pretty special.  And maybe my son will turn out to be the holiday lover in the family, so it's good I got some pictures of him with the whole tree/present thing.

 Baby J's big gift from Santa--a new jungle playmat.  He loves the mirror and he's starting to be more aware of his environment, so it's the perfect time for him to start playing like this.  Yes, that is a "My First Christmas" baby outfit... a present from a friend who couldn't use it for her baby last year.

At the risk of alienating people and becoming a grossly unpopular Scrooge-like figure, I have to admit that I have a love-hate relationship with Christmas.  Partly, it's that I'm not Christian, so a lot of the religious spirit of the holiday is not a part of my scripting, but we all know that Christmas is as much a cultural holiday in the U.S. as it is a religious one, and it's that part of the celebration that I find myself feeling such ambivalence about.

Giant Monkey attack--nearly eats the baby.

I love the family togetherness, the good feelings, the yummy cookies and other meals, the stories and folklore, the warm wishes from everyone, and even the decorations (especially the ones that come out year after year and have special meaning--Grandma's old ornaments, the ones my siblings and I made in daycare centers when we were little, the woven ones my parents brought back from their years in Ecuador). I missed all that while I was in Korea from 2007-2010 and being "home" for Christmas these last two years has been amazing.

There is only one present in this picture I need or want.

What I don't love is how something so nice can turn so blatantly commercial and become a pressure cooker for gift giving and receiving in which your obligations as both the giver and recipient are immense. I actually heard people I love saying things like "I spent $80 on them--she better wear them!" and wondering aloud if they had spent "enough" money even though the gift they had already picked out was lovely, thoughtful, and appropriate.

I don't get it.  I love giving presents (and who doesn't love getting some thoughtful gifts?), but I often do so throughout the year, as things occur to me.  I don't get the whole holiday=stuff thing and kind of never have.  My first Christmas where I could talk, my parents got me a really nice Fisher Price house and a bunch of other stuff.  I opened the one toy and played with it for like an hour or so.  Mom then asked me to open my other gifts, and I said "No, this is enough for today."  (Of course my parents, who had worked hard in shopping for and arranging gifts for me made me open the rest of them, but this has become family legend.)  My first Christmas where I purchased my own gifts with my own money (in high school), I made donations in each of my family's names to a charity that suited their own personal interests (like the WWF for my sister and a comic book free speech group for my brother).  I usually try to make presents if I can.

But this year, I didn't have time (or in all honesty, the free cash) to shop this year and the cookies I had planned to bake didn't happen because Jeongmin got sick with a minor cold in the days leading up to the holiday, so I did not get presents for people this year. I feel bad about it.  I feel overwhelmed by my too-generous relatives.  I wonder if somehow my dislike of commercialism and failure to wrap something up and put it under the tree disappointed them (even though I got everyone presents when I went on vacation this summer and other events of that nature).

I may be the only person in the whole of America who didn't find the stories of people anonymously paying off Walmart and K-mart layaways heartwarming. Maybe it's because I work all year for an organization that has to tell people (often good, hardworking people) that the rent money relief they so desperately need in order to not become homeless is currently out of funds, but I don't find "donations" so that kids whose parents can't really afford it can have a bunch of cheap, plastic junk to be very charitable. I'd rather make sure we have the cash so they don't become homeless. Or so we can fund a program to help them find a job when they're out of work or quality, affordable daycare so they can keep their jobs.

I don't mean to sound ungrateful.  My mother is the opposite of me and always expresses her love through giving and loves nothing better than holidays.  She decorates up a storm and is wonderful at picking out Christmas gifts that make everyone feel special and loved.  It overwhelms me, but I truly appreciate her generosity.  I just think spending time with people is more important than getting them stuff.  Even when it's stuff they want.  And that what you do throughout the year is a bigger deal than one specific day.

Will I feel differently about making him happy through purchases and toy gifts when he is older?  I don't know.  For now, I just love him and want to spend time with him (and the rest of my family).  That's all I really care about.

Christmas 2011

What I Learned from a Bad Job...

I don't want to get into the specifics of the problems I had teaching this year for many reasons, but I would like to give myself some closure on my blog before I move on into the much more hopeful future that awaits me.  My last day with students was last Friday, and I cleaned out my classroom on Monday.  So now that I've finished and can finally breathe and feel like myself for the first time in MONTHS, here are some things I learned about myself while enduring this year:
...

1.  If you are dissatisfied in your work to the point that you must medicate, it deeply affects your self-esteem and self-image.

2.  There is a double-edged sword to the job security that a teaching job provides in that it lacks flexibility.  The consequences for quitting before the end of a contract are extreme.

3.  It is hard to be a generous, caring, understanding partner when you are profoundly depressed.  Corollary:  My marriage is worth more than my career.  I need to be reminded of this one sometimes.

4.  Bureaucracy can be more than a nuisance that you must rise above; it can make it impossible to do what you are supposed to do.

5.  Not all problems in education can be solved or overcome by the hard work and dedication of a single teacher.  Not even most of the problems in education can be solved that way.  Believing this is naive.

Much of my idealism about teaching (an especially about public schools) and my faith in my own abilities as a teacher have been blown up this year.  I have taught successfully in many situations and many different groups for six years, but this one year at a school that was a bad fit for me (to use the politically correct phrasing), has made me question all of my previous accomplishments.  I am not a person who backs down when facing a challenge or gives up easily, but this year just knocked the crap out of me.  I will not return to teaching again until I have had enough time to reflect on this.  I do hope that I one day decide to try again, and that the fear that I'm no longer capable of teaching students does not prove to win the day.  But I do not know.

For now, I'm loving my new job at the hotline, looking forward to a vacation over the July 4th holiday, buying big clothes for the expanding belly, and updating this blog about my recent and planned adventures.  That's right--I'm back, baby!

Sick Day; New Career

Why does taking a sick day feel like such a personal defeat?  It's not bad enough that you feel terrible and crappy, but there is something about staying home when you're a teacher and ill that makes you emotionally queasy.  Today I am home ill.  It is not my first sick day, and I'm sure it won't be my last in my life, but I always feel like I'm letting everybody down.  Students, other teachers, admin, the subs... it's all a big mess.  And when you're physically ill, you're not in peak condition to handle the guilt and panic that comes with taking the day off.

Perhaps it would be easier to recover if I didn't have this little cloud of gloom hanging over my head.

Blog, I'm sorry for neglecting you.  Readers, I am more sorry for neglecting you than you can imagine.  I have had to focus on my personal life and refrain from negatively blogging about my professional life for the last few months.  I assure you that I have made a large number of life changes that I will be sharing with you over the next month, but I still have four more weeks in this school year before I can officially out myself on some fronts.

The biggest news I can share is that I have accepted a new full time job at the crisis center/suicide hotline where I currently volunteer.  The position begins immediately after the school year ends and reflects a career change for me--from education to nonprofit/counseling.  I am thrilled to be on board at an agency that provides so much for the community and is comprised of such awesome people.  Part of my position as the evening shift (4pm-12am) supervisor involves assisting/training/supervising volunteers, so I guess I'll still be doing some teaching.

However, one of the biggest perks is that I can begin blogging again.  Teaching is so draining (even when it's good) and time-consuming and this year in particular has been so hard on me emotionally.  I haven't even been reading that much, this is how bad it is.  I have had a few adventures that I've completely failed to blog about since arriving back in the U.S. (lots of sailing trips, some different parks and festivals in the area, and some historic sites).  Now, I will have more time, energy, and desire to both do things around DC and write about them.  I am also eager to throw myself back into the simple living movement.

It will be strange for the first time in seven years to shed the label "teacher."  The job has shaped my life in many ways for most of my young adulthood.  It's even in the current blog banner as one of my key identities.  I'm not sure how I will feel when it is actually shed, but right now I have less ambivalence about it than usual and am simply thrilled not to have to be bogged down by everything that label brings with it--the demands, the martyrdom, the pressure, the villainization by the media, the moral expectations from society...

It's been a long time since I've lived without having to think about how my personal life reflects on my career.  Without clipping my wings before even trying to fly with some things.  I'm not even sure I'm fully aware of the extent to which I've been living with this burden.  In some ways, being a teacher in Korea was freeing of that, but even so I felt a pressure to be a "good" ESL teacher (not too much partying/drinking/Korea bashing--but for me that wasn't really hard).

Not that I'm saying teachers should or must amend their personal lives to suit our narrow view of what teachers "should" and "should not" be allowed to do.  In fact, I believe the opposite.  I've always been frustrated by the martyr (or alternatively, better-than-parents, all-sacrificing, or if you're FOX news, the greedy-lazy-unionized) view of teachers where we are expected to somehow fix all the ills of society without ever demanding anything from it.  Why can't a teacher have a side business of romance novelist?  Why can't she have a blog that expresses negative views about her job in general terms?  Why can't he have a drink in a foreign country without getting fired?  I mean... if the teacher didn't bring it up in class and it doesn't affect the job performance what's wrong with a teacher as a professional writer, as a community participant, as a traveler?  A person who is thoughtful and open on all these fronts would only be a BETTER, not worse, teacher.  But I digress...

Anyhow, although I'm battling a vicious cold today and taking care of my body, I find the need to reflect on why I feel all this pressure and wonder if I'll feel the same mental and emotional pressure about my health at my new job.  I'm pretty sure it won't.

Belated Thankfulness...

Sadly, it's my first real American holiday season in four years, and I skipped my annual Thanksgiving post because I've been stressed out, busy, and a bit depressed.  I should not post at all when I feel like this, but I feel like maybe I owe you guys an update.

Certainly, I am thankful for many, many things this year.  It was a very eventful one:  I got married this year.  I went on an amazing honeymoon to two new countries and a second one for a week to Jeju.  I managed to move our family to America and find a decent job within a month in a horrible economy and establish an independent household.  I did all this while reducing my total debt load by more then $12,000 (and all of those earlier things I mentioned cost a pretty penny).

But 2010 has also been tough.  Not perhaps as tough as 2009 for me (the year my father, mother, and myself all spent prolonged periods hospitalized for various reasons), but I feel as though 2011 holds less promise and that I have comparatively little in the upcoming months to look forward to.  After several years of one big exciting life thing after another, I've hit the point where the life changes to come feel more like assuming responsibilities.  This is the year I turn 30.  Apparently, it's also the year where I have to grow up and accept that there are some things I simply will not do with my life.  For example, I will not go back to grad school full time and become a professor.  It's something I've always kind of thought about... but I realize now that it's not the life for me.

American life feels like a struggle to pull myself out of the financial cesspool of the middle class.  What should be a very nice salary for someone my age is instead a crippling barrage of saying "no, thanks, we can't afford it" to every opportunity that comes along (and in America, opportunity and choice are overwhelming).  My health insurance premiums alone eat up about 8% of my salary--and that's before either of us get any medical care.  Rent is about the same as the take home for one of my two-week paychecks.  So much of U.S. culture is consumerism, that it's really hard to adjust to it when you have no money.

But...

We have family nearby who support us and love us (and let us steal food and use their sailboat...).
Min Gi's family in Korea is healthy and supportive and we can stay in near-daily communication with them thanks to the free wireless internet options in this area.
Although we can't "get ahead" and pay down my student loan and save up for a baby like I want to, we aren't suffering for our basics--something many Americans these days are.
My health has been in steady recovery mode for the last year.  Despite some issues with catching colds after starting my new job and the depression, I'm back to being almost as healthy as I was before I left for Korea, which is amazing when you consider that I now have a pretty serious disease.
We (desperately) miss our friends and support network in Korea (including the best job I ever had and likely will have for some time), but we are so grateful for the good friends we have in this area.
I am thankful to be working at the hotline again.  I think it may be my higher calling.

and... saving the most important for last...

I am thankful that I married Min Gi.  He really is the best husband I could possibly have chosen; I believe that even if I had been allowed to make someone up from scratch to be my partner, I couldn't have come up with something better.  He continues to surprise me with his thoughtfulness and kindness and patience and humor every single day.  In all my life, I've never been as excited to come home at the end of the day as I have in this year we've shared together.

Happy belated Thanksgiving, all.  I had a good one with my family and extended family and am looking forward to Christmas with more of my extended family.

Well... That was a doozy.

I caught the nastiest cold I've had in awhile (ok... in 3 weeks) last Thursday.  This readjusting to a new country for those of us with impaired immune function is annoying.  Since I started working in a school again, I've caught 3 major bugs.  I'm burning through my sick days at an alarming rate.  What kills me is not the physical symptoms, but the mental ones.  Sleep-deprived Diana cannot cope with 14 year old sass in the way normal Diana can.  As you may notice from my word count calendar for NaNoWriMo, life in all its forms just about stopped for me mid-last-week.

While I'm still hacking up a lung every 30 minutes or so and choking down the Vitamin C like I do chocolate on my period, my basic brain functions returned Tuesday evening, and I was able to complete my work week.  But that's about all I've been able to manage.  Seriously... You should see the pile of laundry awaiting me for tomorrow.

The good news?  (1) I'm returning to hotline volunteering at the same place I worked three years ago (some new folks, some old friends).  (2) I was approved to run my high school's drama club (with plans to get my certification endorsement in theater if I pass the test in January and then teach theater as an elective next year).  (3)  Min Gi obtained his MD driver's license, so we have purchased a second used vehicle through my uncle who will drive it down to us when they visit for the Thanksgiving holiday.

# 3 is a mixed bag.  I don't really want to own one car, let alone two, but America is a country not well designed for pedestrian lifestyle, especially outside a major metropolitan city.  So cheers to the continued destruction of the environment...

On with the show!

Korea's Suicide Rate: It still makes me sad...

The Washington Post covered Choi Jin-young's suicide.

I have an idea about mental health outreach in South Korea that I plan to work on gathering resources and support for when I return to the U.S.--hopefully when I return to Korea (in like five or so years), I will be able to enact it.

Top Ten Reasons to Return to U.S.A.

I've been struggling ever since buying my (much too expensive) plane ticket back to D.C. last week (and booking the kitties to ride with me, of course) with the reality that I'm leaving Korea--my home for the last three years.

I know I'm making the right choice for myself and my family in returning, but I am going to miss so many things about my life here and am returning to so much uncertainty (no job, no apartment, no health care--ack!) in a poor economic climate (when I know that if I stayed one more year here I'd be grad school debt free) that I keep second guessing my decision. What's really annoying is that my brain decided to wait until AFTER I've done something pretty permanent, like buying a one-way plane ticket and a visa for my husband, to start questioning my decision. Perhaps my brain knew better than to question before, since I'm facing some pretty compelling reasons to stay here one more year--not the least of which is that I love LOVE my job and it's likely the job market for teachers in the DC area (which is a hot mess right now) will be much more favorable at this time next year.

I need to list the reasons why I want to return so that I can make it more appealing.

1. Professional development. Having completed my MA last year, I'm now at a career stand-still in my current job, even though I love it. My long term career goals require me to return to the states for at least three years and possibly pursue certification in a second or third area and I can't really do that here.
2. Family. Can't get into this on the blog, but I've been away too long. It's been a rough year for the family and while my return will initially burden them, I think after a few months and getting established, I can help them out a lot.
3. Min Gi getting to know my culture. I've lived in his for three years, and it really allows me to appreciate him in ways I don't know that I would if I hadn't lived here. I'm hoping living in America does the same for him with me.
4. Value to society. In Korea, I'm kind of a non-member of society. My contributions here, while difficult for me and important for the people I see daily, are rather insignificant and shallow compared with when I lived in the U.S.
5. Certain hobbies. I haven't been able to do theater, sew, sail, garden, bake, swim regularly, or go camping in Korea. I miss these activities immensely. (Of course, conversely... continuing TKD, skiing, and swing dance will all be much more expensive in the U.S.)
6. Going Vegan. Considering doing this. In America, it will be much easier.
7. Seeing Green. Korea is a concrete jungle. Now, yes, I know the suburban sprawl has many disadvantages, not the least of which is rendering a car an almost necessity, but there are so many pretty parks in residential areas. I love being outdoors in the U.S. It's harder to get that feeling in Korea, though I certainly have found some ways to achieve it.
8. Diversity of Food. There is just so much more choice in America. Although I plan to try to eat more locally than I did when I last lived in the U.S., I still love wandering through supermarkets in general wonder and glee. Any ingredients you need to make Korean foods are readily available in America. This is NOT true in reverse. (For that matter, diversity in other things is also a good thing about America).
9. Privacy/Space. People have a wide personal space bubble and respect it. You can have an evening drink in your own backyard--a personal piece of paradise. No one will dare touch your boobs, your hair, or your car (or if they do, you're allowed to shoot them... well... maybe not, but certainly within your rights to give them a nasty dressing-down).
10. Bathtubs. It's just not the same to take your novel to the local jjimjilbang.

Care to add yours? Please... inspire me to want to go back to the U.S. Please... I'm on the verge of cancelling my ticket and signing on for another year...

Short Story Published on Internet Magazine

Good news for me! The online literary magazine, Girls with Insurance, published a short story of mine today called "Suicide Hotline." It is entirely fiction, though obviously based somewhat on my experiences as a volunteer crisis counselor. Enjoy!

Korea's Marriage Migrants

Doing research for an upcoming project, I stumbled across a fascinating piece of research presented at the International Conference on Border Control and Empowerment of Immigrant Brides held in September 2007 in Taipei. Marriage Migrant Women in Korea and Attempts to Organize Them was presented by Lee, Inkyoung. She uses case studies and statistical data to highlight the problems faced by women, mostly from rural China and Vietnam, who come to Korea to marry with the promise of the wealth of a more powerful country. Unfortunately, the reality of such arranged marriages rarely live up to the promise of "The Korean Dream."

Some excerpts:

“There were many people who went to work in Korea from my hometown. They became richer and built nice houses when they came back. I envied them a lot. I was keen to work in Korea. But it was quite difficult to get a working visa. One of my acquaintances introduced me to a Korean man. I just thought that I would marry him and as soon as I arrive in Korea, I would run away from him and work somewhere. But the guy was quite gentle to me. We just fell in love with each other after several meetings and I gave up running away from him. But you have to know it, most foreign brides come to Korea because of poverty. If they are well-educated or if their family has a lot of property, they never come to Korea for marriage especially to men old enough to be their father. Our family does not have much money and could not give us education so I came here. Even Korean men who are married to foreigners don’t have money like us. If they are tall, well educated, or have good jobs and good salary, they never marry us. We were poor there but we are poor here in Korea.”? Related by a Chinese who has lived for 3 years in Korea.

It’s a story from my Chinese coworker. I believe she explained well the situation at home, their motivation for marriage migration and the method they use. I already gave up academic value in this paper. I think it’s beyond my ability. I am using many cases to understand the situation of marriage migrant women in Korea.

...

Usually Korean men who want to marry Vietnamese have to pay around 10,000USD to 15,000USD to the brokers. The brokers take the men for marriage trips for 5 nights and 6 days on the average. I would like to describe in detail what they do during the trip so that we can understand how quickly marriage is conducted by the brokers. The first day, they reach Vietnam. They attend a marriage meeting and select their girls. If the girls agree to marry them they meet the girls' parents and date with the girls and prepare documents in seconds. They apply for spouse visa to the Korean embassy and take a medical check-up and go shopping for their brides on the third day. They have the wedding and sleep together on the fourth day and go on honeymoon trip on the fifth day. Korean husbands take a medical check up and come back to Korea on the sixth day. I think it's quite a short time for someone to meet and decide his/her spouse within 6 days. Brokers' interest is getting higher by the success rate of marriage. So the brokers never provide real information to either party but only the image of Asian women to Korean men and developed Korean society to foreign women. This kind of marriage has potential problems due to lack of information and time. We receive many complaints from migrant women towards the brokers such as domestic violence, confinement, and other severe human rights abuses.

The statistics she pulls are also enough to knock some sense of perspective into the English teacher K-blogging circle who complain about Korea's reaction to their relationships with Korean women. Of the 39,690 marriages between a Korean national and a foreign person registered in 2006, almost 70% were between a Korean man and a woman from China, Vietnam, Philippines, Mongolia, Cambodia, and Uzbekistan, countries known to have marriage brokering services for Korean men.

People who complain about E-2 visa regulations in Korea may not be wrong, but they really should realize that there are bigger immigration fish to fry in this homogeneous and sometimes xenophobic country. Do some good and educate yourself about these things.

Reflections on Genocide

Excavated mass graves at the Choeung Ek site. Each of the 29 graves contained remains of more than 100 bodies; the largest had almost 400.
Located 17 km outside of the capitol city, the Killing Fields of Choeung Ek have been preserved as a memorial to the genocide perpetrated by the Khmer Rouge against the Cambodian people between 1975 and 1979. Similar execution sites have been found throughout Cambodia containing the remains of more than 2 million people brutally executed by the Khmer Rouge. Min Gi and I visited in the early morning, just as the school children were biking to the nearby school.


The "Magic Tree" where Khmer Rouge soldiers would hang a radio to blast propaganda to drown out the cries and screams of the prisoners. There was also a "Killing Tree" where soldiers supposedly smashed infants' skulls against to save money on bullets.
A Buddhist stupa was constructed at the site to honor the dead. The stupa contains many of the remains found in the grave sites, including clothes and bones of the victims, preserved as a religious monument. There is also a small museum on the grounds which includes a small documentary movie theater and some of the weapons used for execution.


Clouds reflected in the tiered stupa
After spending about three hours walking around the grounds reflecting on the events that occurred at the site (we were the first ones there and there were very few tourists until just before we departed), we went into to town to see the Toul Sleng Genocide Museum. The museum is housed in the former Khmer Rouge prison, S21, that served as a holding and torture center for people later executed at the Choeung Ek fields.


Classrooms converted into tiny brick holding cells.
The prison was a former secondary school. It was eerie to see how starkly the cheery, yellow-tiled, institutional floors contrasted with the preserved cells and torture devices and other exhibits. Of the estimated 17,000 prisoners, only 12 were known to have survived, four of whom are still alive today. One documentary at the museum had a former Khmer Rouge soldier and a former prisoner touring the site again, together, describing the torture techniques that were used.


An individual torture room for the most "dangerous" prisoners.
Overall, the morning was sobering and a little depressing. I learned a lot about Cambodia's dark and recent history, and I hope to learn more in the future. What's so unimaginable is that the United Nations allowed the Khmer Rouge oppressors to represent Cambodia's interests until 1993. Western countries' role in the atrocities in Cambodia (and other parts of Asia for that matter) make me ashamed of my country.

The Killing Fields and Tuol Sleng Genocide Museum

Genocide is impossible for me to understand.

It took a long time for me to accept that reality. When I was young, I thought (naively) that I could figure everything out if I just thought about it long enough. I wanted to believe that we could study these mistakes and learn from our collective historical mistakes. I believed in the power of humanity to improve itself. That "world peace" was possible--and even could be achieved within a lifetime.

I remember reading everything I could about the Holocaust and Stalin's regime to try to understand how people could participate in mass murder. I very quickly realized that the perpetrators of the worst violence were not all psychopaths. It's too easy to simply label the soldiers "evil"--they were often relatively normal, somewhat idealistic young men and women. Even the leaders maintained a distance from the worst of the atrocities, making it less immediate. And after awhile, one stops feeling like there is a big difference between 2,000,000 and 2,000,001 people killed.

I still don't know how to reconcile the existence of such evil with my understanding of people, who I believe generally act in ways they believe are good and right. No one is the villain of their own story. But then, how do these things still happen? I don't know. I really don't...

Phnom Penh: The Good, The Bad, and The Ugly

Min Gi finds a missing piece of a temple outside the National Museum.
If Cambodia is a country of extremes, then Phnom Penh is an appropriate capitol. PP has some amazing riverside restaurants and awesome cultural sites (though they kind of pale in comparison to the Angkor sites), but it's also a very dirty city, full of in-your-face poverty. While dining, we were constantly approached by children selling things and beggars missing limbs. I had read about this before I came--often these children and disabled persons are serving an abusive boss who takes most of what tourists give them in exchange for (substandard) group housing. But bighearted Min Gi found it too difficult to resist giving something to the people. I do not begrudge him this, although I warned him we weren't really helping out that much and reinforcing the exploitation of these vulnerable populations.


The Royal Palace dominates the center of Phnom Penh's cityscape.
After our day of touring the sites in the city, we tried to visit the Apsara Arts Association, a nonprofit organization that trains street children in traditional Cambodian dance. However, when our tuktuk driver, Maak, took us out to the theater, they were closed until March! We were a bit disappointed, but then Maak suggested that we visit an orphanage instead. He took us to buy a 50 kg bag of rice for a donation, and we went to the National Action Culture Association (NACA) Orphanage to spend an hour or two with the children.

They were so eager to see us and perform some of the dances they were learning. The girls just loved touching my hair and skin and holding onto every available part of me. The boys fought each other to play rock, paper, scissors with Min Gi. Although it was a little strange visiting the orphanage as a "tourist" site, we felt much better after spending some time entertaining these very eager children. I did not feel comfortable taking pictures, since we were only spending one day there and not actually volunteering, but I won't ever forget those kids.

I encourage you all to consider donating or sponsoring a Cambodian orphan through the CamKids, the Cambodian Children's Charity. If you are going to be in Cambodia and would like to volunteer with NACA, you can e-mail the director: naca.orphanage@gmail.com. They are also looking for corporate sponsorship and to be picked up by a larger NGO if you are associated with such and looking for a good project.


An advertisement for the Korean pop group, SHINEE, performing in PP.
We had learned in Siem Reap that Korean tourism to Cambodia has increased dramatically in recent years. Apparently, the "Korean Wave" is real, but it only exists in SE Asia. Last year, in Vietnam, I heard a lot of WonderGirls. This year, Min Gi and I saw a bunch of young people dancing the "Sorry Sorry" dance in the main park in central PP. (Coincidentally, Brian has brought some Korea-Cambodia issues to light in his blog recently.)

I have elected to save the Killing Fields and Toul Sleng Genocide Museum for their own post. Until then, enjoy the rest of our pictures from our last few days in Cambodia:

Phnom Penh

Floating Village near Siem Reap

The Floating Village moves with the tides.
One afternoon, our tuktuk driver, Tee, offered to take us a few kilometers out of town to see the floating village on Tonle Sap, the largest lake in Southeast Asia. Originally founded by immigrants fleeing Vietnam during the war who were unable to afford land in Cambodia, the village is completely self-contained, with a school, church, basketball court, and alligator farm.


Yes, that's right. An alligator farm.
Unfortunately, pollution in the lake threatens the livelihood of these already impoverished fishermen, and tourism (and the begging of tourists) has become one of the few sources of income needed to sustain their way of life. Perhaps my awakened interest in simple living recently was partially inspired by what I saw in Southeast Asia--people living lives with so few of the amenities that we believe are "necessary" these days.


Children paddling home from school.
On the boatride to and from the village, T and the boat driver spoke with us about the economic situation in Cambodia. The government is viewed as very corrupt by the people. One example of their corruption is that they don't allow independent tour boat operators; they will only allow certain companies (who probably bribe the government officials in return for huge kickbacks) to operate the boats and while they collect a huge fee from the tourists, the boat operators make a pittance.

To see the rest of the pictures along with some I took from around the town of Siem Reap, click here:

Floating Village Tour and Around Siem Reap

It would not be until we got to Phnom Penh that we would understand how recent and deep the wound the Khmer Rouge cut through the heart of this beautiful, once-supreme Khmer kingdom of Cambodia truly was. I wonder how long until she can recover and when my country, the U.S.A., will recognize its own horrific contributions to the nightmares that people living in Southeast Asia still remember...

Last Day of Angkor Temples

On day three of the honeymoon, we rode the tuktuk a bit out from the main temple sites to see Banteay Srei (the women's temple--so called for its superior, finely detailed artwork) and one other temple. We also stopped by the Cambodia Landmine Museum, founded by a man called Akira who was once a boy soldier for the Khmer Rouge but now spends his time assisting the Cambodian government in de-mining Cambodia. It was our first taste of the more tragic recent history of a country once so glorious as to produce these beautiful sites:

Angkor Wat: Outlying Temples and Landmine Museum

The Landmine Museum also runs an orphanage. We met a retired American couple who have been volunteering with Akira for the last two years. The man does outreach, education about mines, and fundraising, while his wife teaches English at the orphans' school. Their work and Akira's story were very sobering, but very inspiring. We ended up donating a bit to the museum's various de-mining and orphan assistance programs.

My True Loves (Sunday Health #2)

I've been a little unfocused this week. Lately, I've become obsessed with simple living and minimalist blogs (I will be doing a review post of my favorites soon). I think it's because I'm nervous as heck about the cost of living in the Washington, DC area coupled with school district budget cuts which slash my chances of finding a good job when I return home. Anyhow, they've convinced me to take the plunge and make some steps towards minimalism, which actually ties in nicely to my new focus on health.

One of the first things any and all minimalism practitioners will tell you is that you have to focus on the things you truly love, your passions, and then cut out everything else that is unnecessary. It sounds simple, but I'm a dabbler. Actually if I could cheat and say "Engaging in lots of different things," I would, but I know that's too vague for this activity. It took me the better part of an hour to pare down my many hobbies/interests to my five true loves (and it required me to make a list of 6-10 strong likes that I will allow myself to do if all of the first five areas in my life are completely fulfilled at that moment--or as part of fulfilling one of the five true passions). Here are my five:

1) Spending quality time with my loved ones (Min Gi, my family, certain friends who are practically family).
2) Maximizing my health (includes cooking, exercise, and proper rest).
3) Teaching (I love it, and it's my career that will support our family in the years to come).
4) Writing (I can't not write. I've tried--it makes me anxious. But more than that, I really want to write books one day and if I don't make this the priority it really should be in my life right now, I'll never do that).
5) Reading high-quality material (It's my go-to entertainment. I include here both books and online reading--though I am trimming the latter category significantly because some of what I read online is not really fulfilling).

That's it. Those are really my five true loves. My #6-10 cheating back-up "lusts" are:

6) Travel
7) Theater
8) Volunteering
9) Dance
10) Language study (especially Korean)

Here's the thing... I knew these before (everyone with a touch of self-awareness knows their passions without having to think too much about it), but it surprised me when I realized how much I really love exercising and cooking healthy meals. I thought it was just something I did because I was supposed to, but no... I really am happiest when I am being physically active and eating delicious vegetables. Currently, taekwondo is my favorite way to be active, but I also like other movement (most notably hiking, swimming, and dancing). This is kind of shocking for someone who never did any sports in middle or high school.

What's more... I realized that I absolutely do not prioritize my life around the things that make me happiest and most fulfilled. I mean, sure, I think about these things nonstop, but when it comes down to the daily grind of choices I make all the time, I often choose a mindless or pointless activity, such as watching TV, getting caught up in the politics/ridiculousness of a situation over which I have no control, or reading crappy things on the internet that piss me off rather than really interest me, instead of one of my favorite things. So both of my health goals/habits to change this week are rooted in pursuing simplicity and embracing minimalism. They are: 1) to spend as much time as possible pursuing the five passions and start cutting out everything else and 2) to clean, organize and trim my possessions down to less STUFF getting in the way. (And continuing with my previous goals, all of which are going very well, and have resulted in another 0.5kg/1lb loss as well as a peaceful, happy state of mind).

I think pursuing #1 is about little things--the choices we make every moment. For example, walking to the subway instead of taking the bus lets me get more exercise and read (reading on the bus is impossible, on the subway--it's easy); choosing to go to swing dance only when Min Gi or other good friends do because that means I'm spending time with him and exercising more; writing in my blog instead of watching a downloaded TV show.

Today I managed to do this very well. I spent the day with Min Gi's family in Pohang. When we got home, I was tired, but rather than get on my computer and watch Season 3 of Ugly Betty or read a blog I hate (yes, I do this), I suggested to my husband that we go for a hike on the mountain behind our house. We were both thrilled! And I was feeling tired before the hike and wanted to go out for dinner and blow the progress I'd been making on being healthy, but the mountain air re energized me (as did the good conversation,) and we decided instead to have an omurice cooking "contest" for dinner (each of us prepare an omurice, a Korean dish that wraps vegetable fried rice in an omelet, in our own styles and then enjoy the results together--teasing each other about who did a better job). It was wonderful (both the food and the company). And we may have developed a new Sunday ritual for us. Bonus!

State of the Blog: Three Years...

Tomorrow is my blog's three year birthday.

Although I generally dislike metablogging (blogging about blogging for those of you less fancy-wording folk), my inspiration to write this last week has been lacking (maybe you noticed) because of another brief flare up of the ulcerative colitis and the return-from-travel blahs from my post-honeymoon reality shock. I feel that I'd like to take stock of what this blog is and how it's changed over the last three years. But most importantly, how it has changed me.

Before this blog, I wrote on livejournal for about four-five years, although most of that was friends-only and is now privately archived for myself. I have kept some kind of regular writing journal since I was in about sixth grade (and wrote story collections throughout elementary school before that), but bringing it online and making my private life much more public has changed my writing and my personality--almost entirely in positive ways. Here are five of them:

1. I am more adventurous than I was. Because I started the blog to record my travels to Korea (and other places), I've pushed myself to try more things, meet more people, take more pictures, and do more things than I might have done without the inspiration to record it. Three years ago, I'd never been outside of the U.S. Now, I've lived in Korea for two and a half years (visiting many, many places there), traveled on my own to Vietnam, and just came back from my self-planned honeymoon to Cambodia and Thailand. It might not sound like a lot to some of my travel-happy blog buddies, but compared to where I was three years ago, it's awesome.

2. As a writer, I am more confident than I was. The instantaneous feedback of blog comments is both a blessing and a curse, and I've definitely had to deal with some hits to my fragile writing ego from negative comments. However, the overall response to my writing has been positive and the feedback has provided consistent critique for my writing without having to be in school. As a result, I have been writing more than ever and submitting more of my writing to literary magazines. So far, no takers... but I do admit that I haven't been as vigilant about this as I'd like to be.

3. I have deeper, more meaningful relationships with the family members and friends who read my blog. Not all of my real-life friends and family read what I write, but those that do (like my mom who sometimes comments on here and Sa Beom Nim's wife whose checking on my life reminded me how much I missed my old TKD studio) know me in a way that I don't always reveal face-to-face. I also have made good real-life friends that I originally met through blogging, like Amanda. (Side note: When I first blogged with livejournal, the opposite happened. I very quickly lost some friendships and damaged some others very seriously (which have thankfully recovered and are much stronger). However, having blogged more these days, I think that was kind of a fluke and that I just had some very mutually toxic friendships in college. Generally, blogging and honesty in writing has been cathartic and unifying.

4. I am more accountable to myself and my goals. Not only can I go back and read them anytime I want to, I feel like anybody in the world can look at my blog posts and read about my plans and put two and two together and figure out if I failed to keep the promises I made to myself (I often do... or at least don't accomplish them on my planned time frame). As a direct result of blog accountability pressure, I've gotten out of consumer debt, obtained a black belt in taekwondo, and become very selective in who I date (which, in turn, led to dating and marrying Min Gi).

5. I am more vulnerable and honest than I was. The ability to open up to others is not something that comes naturally to me, although I am a pretty good listener. It's not exactly that I lie about the facts of my life (I've always been disturbingly honest about those--like the third grade autobiography that matter-of-factly discusses my adopted brother's history of abuse), I just tend not to share what I'm really feeling or thinking about things. Partly, I (mistakenly) assume those I feel closest to will know them without me having to tell them and partly, I hate being vulnerable. Although I haven't gotten into it on this blog (relevance, people), some of my childhood was pretty screwed up and a huge chunk of it (between the ages of 4 and 7-9) is just missing (yes, I have vivid, ordinary memories from ages 2 and 3... so it's not just a normal "I forgot" thing). Therapy (and other writing not-suitable-for-blogging) healed that mess, but it left me without the ability to risk showing my true hand. I'm still scared of emotional nudity, but blogging, for all its limitations of being a very public forum and therefore I actually cannot discuss the specifics of certain things (mostly job related), is cathartic. Like a shy woman discovering her own beauty through the eye of the skilled photographer, writing out my feelings and seeing them reflected in the comments I get lets me see their strength. Feelings that before, I thought were a sign of weakness.)

So, yeah... blogging is great.

But my life is changing so much this year, I worry that my blog will change too much. I'm married now (so less blogging about the single life and dating). I'm moving back to the U.S. to become a public school teacher again, and while I am in no way ashamed of anything I've written here, nor would I be upset if my students discovered my private writing life (if anything, it is an EXCELLENT example of what I tell them about writing all the time), education in America is a bit of a double-edged sword--and internet life has cost more than one teacher her job. Also, living in the U.S. as an American is just a lot less exotic than living in a foreign country. Finally, Min Gi and I are planning to start a family when we are settled (read: I find a job) in the U.S. (yes, Mom and Dad, you read that right), and while exposing my adult friends on the blog is great fun, I'm protective of children and wouldn't want to reveal as much about them to an unknown audience. So in the near future, my "slice of life" blog may, of necessity, get a bit less revealing. I hope, though, not less interesting.

What's a girl to blog about? I'm going to keep blogging about the workings of my intercultural marriage and what I learn of my current favorite country (Korea) and its language. I'm still reading a lot (though I missed two Wednesday Reviews), and I will blog about what I'm reading. I still plan to travel (a LOT), and write about the places I go and the things/people I see there (I have at least a week's worth of blogs about the honeymoon I'm working on). As I continue to struggle with my ulcerative colitis, I may need to write about my ongoing health issues, especially now that I've resumed taekwondo at An Il with the intention to get my second black belt before I leave Korea. I'll probably write more about education in the U.S. because as a teacher there, I'm a bigger cog in the system than I am, as a native-speaking English teacher, in Korea. And I'll probably blog more about my family, as I will be living with/near them. Recently, I'm getting into frugal living/personal finance blogs and the minimalist movement, so I might write some about that (ridding myself of possessions is quite freeing). I hope you find all this fun and entertaining to read. I think my blog will become more hodgepodge (a little of this, a little of that) and less Korea-intense. Those of you reading it primarily because of your interest in Korea might find less of value, but I hope others will still remain curious about my very strange "wonderings."

Finally, I'm in the beginning stages of "monetizing" my blog, which for those of you not versed in blog-ese, means advertising or partnering with sites to earn money for people clicking on some links in my blog. I've been resistant to doing this for some time, but I've finally figured out what I want to do: I want to donate all the money I earn from this blog to my favorite charities. I love volunteering, but I know that many organizations benefit more from financial donations than they do that of time. However, I'm not rich. Nor will I ever be rich (teachers don't end up with foundations and scholarships named after them all that often, especially not those who are addicted to travel and are the main earner in the family). I donate money to charity every year, but it's not much. So here's the deal: Please click on my links if you plan to buy books (or other goodies) from Amazon. I'm going to be compiling my Korea story into a downloadable narrative e-book that I'll charge a small fee for. I may even play with Google's fancy monetizing features. Whatever money I make from so doing, I will donate to charity. I will track it openly for you in a tab (for accountability purposes--and because everyone keeps talking about "making money from blogging" and I remain firmly unconvinced of the earning power of life-narrative blogs like mine) and where I have given it. If you become inspired to give to one of my pet charity projects, please leave me a comment so that I know you care! (Please note: My husband HATES that I tell people about my charitable giving because he thinks it is "bragging." I used to feel that way, but having worked for enough charitable organizations in volunteer capacities, I now see the power of fundraising for them. And I believe that giving begets giving, but not if no one knows about it.)

So there it is: My blogging past, present, and future.

Here's to another happy year of blogging and living!

2009 Kinda Sucked... 2010 Is Looking Up.

Mostly due to health issues, I only half accomplished my goals for this year. I did get my Master's. I do eat healthier. I would be out of consumer debt if I wasn't getting married, hadn't already paid for the honeymoon tickets, and hadn't had to visit the hospital in October. However, I'm much closer to being debt-free than I was last year, even with those expenses. The other goals have had progress made, some more, some less.

This year, I have a lot on my plate, so I'm keeping it pretty simple.

1. Obtain proper visa so that Min Gi and I can move back to America in August/September.
2. Get a decent job in America.
3. Be consumer debt free and pay off the smallest of the three school loans (with the highest interest rate).
4. Health stuff: a) Get my strength back by training 3-6 days/week b) Get the second degree belt in taekwondo after returning to training full time in March c) Eat out 3 or fewer times per week (including ordering in) because I eat more vegetables and healthier food when I cook.
5. Raise at least $7,500 for the Kenyan NGO where Min Gi and I would like to volunteer in summer 2011.
6. Have an awesome first year of marriage (starting January 9)!

I have some other things I'd like to accomplish in my Korean language studies, dance, and my writing, but I think these are the best goals for me at this time.

Creepy, Sad Coincidences.

Once, in university, I decided to watch the Catch-22 movie (finally, after worshipping the book for years). As I watched it, Joseph Heller died.

This morning, one of our first grade groups had prepared a presentation about Korean models who had made it internationally, including Daul Kim, who happened to commit suicide this morning. (Note that the Metropolitician has a great post up about the bullying that may or may not have contributed to her suicide; I personally have a HUGE problem with the way Korea blames net-bullying exclusively for the suicides of celebrities as it demonstrates their ignorance about how suicide works and the fact that it is often preventable)

Stuff like this creeps me out, even though I know it's completely coincidental.

How I know I'm marrying the right person.

Min Gi doesn't like to plan. He doesn't like to think about tomorrow or the next day, let alone six months or a few years from now. When we were first dating, I would ask him if he wanted to do something on the weekend, and he would say, "Let's just see what happens." I finally broke down and told him that if we don't make plans together, I will make plans with other people or to do other things. He responded, "Well, I don't want to disappoint you if something happens. If I make a promise, I keep it."

I pointed out that if he gets sick or something else comes up that is more important, he can tell me about it and we'll just change our plans, but that if we don't make them, we probably won't see each other often (which is what had been happening for the first couple months). He started making plans with me.

The day I knew that I wanted to marry him (April, 2009):

Min Gi: "Honey, you know how you said you wanted to go to the Boryeong Mud Festival, right? And you said it was two weekends?"

"That's right. In July."

"I think we should go the first weekend because the second weekend is the week before we leave for America. We might want to pack."

I was speechless.

"What's wrong?"

"Nothing's wrong... It's a good idea... but it's just... that's in July! You're making plans?!?"

"I want to be a plan-guy."

How I know he's the right person for me:

Wedding rings are not a tradition in Korea, but we decided we want them. We've selected a style we like, and I did some comparison shopping.

Me: "Hey look at the deal I found on these rings like the ones we wanted. Just $50!"

"Wow! Are you sure they're real?"

"Yeah, the design we're getting is not that expensive. Jewelry just has huge markups."

"Are you sure you don't mind? Don't women usually want expensive wedding rings?"

"I'm not like that. You know that." [Editor's note: This is one of the ways he knows I'm the right person for him. Haha!]

"Yeah, but I also wanted them to have a special meaning."

"Hon, they have a special meaning because they symbolize our love for each other, our promise."

"Or... we planned to spend more money on them anyhow. Why don't we donate the difference to a charity?"

I'm speechless, again. I then show him the website for Amnesty International and we agree to donate $200 (the money most other websites were charging for a similar design) for each ring when we purchase them.

Fun, Sad, Crazy, OK.

Fun

After Korean class on Saturday (yes, I'm doing that again--the cute teacher is the advanced level teacher, score!) and teaching at the girls' shelter, I hopped on a train and went to visit my friend Big White Barbie out in Busan. We had not seen each other in quite some time due to alternating medical issues and incompatible schedules.

I had a fabulous time with her and a friend from her job who has been in Korea for three months. We ate Thai food (not really available in Daegu), put our feet in the sea at Haeundae, and went to a not-horrible bar in a gross area of the city. The plan was to wake up in the morning and be tourists at some cool historical sites around the city.

Sad

However, when we woke up, it was raining. I checked my e-mail to find three voicemails from Dad. This is not typical.

I used BWB's phone to call my dad only to find out that my mom was on her way to emergency surgery at the hospital. NOT GOOD. VERY, VERY SCARY.

When you live far away from your family and there is a crisis of this kind, you feel a kind of terrifying helplessness that makes you question everything. It drains the life right out of you; at least if you were back home, you could feel like you were doing everything that there was to be done, but from thousands of miles away... you're just... lost.

Crazy

And so, while my mom went through two hours of complicated, life-threatening surgery, BWB and I went to McDonald's to eat comfort food. This was a brilliant idea, of course, until crazy dude showed up. He sat at the next table, drinking water (no food), staring at us the whole time we were talking. We did an admirable job ignoring him, but we got up to go refill our drinks downstairs at the counter (and ok, yes, for me to order more emotional void-filling, fatty french fries), he followed us. Really creepy following. And then stood in line behind us.

We were freaking out, so I tried to ask the cashier to ask him to leave (he wasn't a customer). Note to self: Learn the words for "creepy" "follow" "stalking" and how to request that the person please ask said creepy following man to leave in Korean before my next public outing. As soon as I started talking to cashier, the dude actually hid behind a column. The cashier finally understood what we were saying, took one look at the guy (who looked like a creepy stalker), and kind of freaked out. In America if a non-customer was harassing two customers, management would have kicked him the heck out of there. However, of course, being younger than said man, the cashier couldn't say anything to him--thanks Korean culture for that one.

We went back upstairs to finish our meal. Dude follows us a few minutes later. He hovers nearby. Then he goes to the bathroom, and we just bolted for the exit. Seriously, left our tray with uneaten food and drink on the table and just hightailed out of there before the guy could come back out of the bathroom.

Dammit. We were in a restaurant FULL of people, and no one would help us by asking this jerk to leave us alone. WTF? Thing is, we have both been here long enough to know that if we had confronted him directly and yelled at him (as we really wanted to do and would have if we hadn't gotten our out), we would just have been the crazy foreigners assaulting/berating the older man. As it was, one or two girls gave us dirty looks as we ran out for leaving our tray at the table.

OK

We "hid" (or maybe ate some Chocolate Devotion waffle cone) in a Cold Stone Creamery until it was time to call my dad back to check on Mom's surgery. She came out fine. BWB and I watched downloaded TV shows until I finally dragged myself back to the Busan train station (purchasing ANOTHER umbrella in the 7-Eleven) and guilt tripped Min Gi into picking me up from the station in Daegu. I'm home now. Safe. Talked briefly to Mom who is in pain, but awake. I am exhausted beyond physical explanations, and yet unable to sleep. But it's going to be ok. It's going to be ok.

Dear Students,

I was asked by the English-language newspaper staff to write a letter to the students for their spring edition. I hate writing these things (sometimes). I decided to make it a blog entry. Enjoy:

I'm often asked by the students of Taegu Foreign Language High School what the differences are between Korean and American high schools. Having taught in both countries, I can honestly say that I'm still learning new things about the differences every day. However, I thought I'd prepare a list for you of some of the things that really surprised me when I first started teaching here:

1) Every student in a Korean class has the same schedule and the teachers come to the classroom. In America, students are all taking different levels of math, languages, and elective courses, so very rarely do you have all 7-8 classes with the same students all day. And teachers have their own classrooms where students come to them at the scheduled period, so teachers are there before the students and students are expected to be on time. You get in trouble if you show up after the bell rings in America.

2) Korean students have different classes every day, as their schedules are done weekly. American students have the same 7-8 subjects every day (sometimes split into 4 longer classes every other day) for a whole semester or year. So American students only have 7-8 teachers and they see them everyday.

3) Exams are a much bigger deal in Korea. Exams are still important in America, but teachers can and do use other ways to assess students (such as projects, essays, experiments, reports, or presentations). However, tests are only one small part of the equation.

4) Korean students spend a lot of time at school studying. I think this is partially because of the importance of the tests, as I described above. When American students finish their classes, they can go home to work on school assignments, work a volunteer or part-time job, or participate in extracurricular activities such as sports teams or clubs. This is all considered an important part of a well-rounded education and most American universities look for evidence that a student has participated in some activities outside of the school day.

5) Korean society is a lot more involved with education than American society is. That means parents here are less likely to expect their children to do chores or contribute to the running of the household, but they put more pressure on their students to perform in school. Generally, students here are more respectful of teachers without the teacher having to do anything to "earn" student respect.

That's just a brief summary that I noticed, as a teacher. Of course, many of my astute second-grade American culture students have observed that there are differences in the social lives of American students, such as prom and dating. I hope you learned a few things here, but if you ever have any questions, I welcome you to come ask me. I like curious students!

Sincerely,
Diana E.