Appreciation for the Calm

Starting 2022 amidst the most widespread outbreak of a 2+ year pandemic has ironically led to a slowing down and calm pace for my life. We've been lucky enough to avoid infection thus far, so now that the rates of Covid transmission and hospitalizations are higher than they've ever been, we've elected to reduce the number of activities we are engaging in at present as a mitigation strategy. The kids are still going to school and taekwondo (masked, thankfully), Min is doing whatever shopping we need, and I am going in person to work most days of the week and taking my Mom to doctor's appointments, but we've mostly curtailed other activities. Even though there is no government mandate to refrain, we find it prudent at this time.

Water always makes me feel peaceful. This is the Monocacy River near our home.

For me, this means no gym classes, no dining out, and no gatherings indoors. What's strange this time is that it seems as though very few other people are limiting some of their activities, despite the fact that our hospital is operating in crisis mode and our school staffs are dealing with absentee rates so high that we are discussing possible short-term contingency plans for in-person instruction. The local college I work with has already decided to stay fully remote with virtual instruction through February 6. There's no guidance to help the public in how to navigate what's happening now, and the CDC Director was describing it as "encouraging" that people like me with immune suppression and diabetes are the people that are dying from this round of infection. I digress...

The kids decided to prepare us breakfast for our anniversary (12 years--WOW). It was quite sweet.

Far from feeling deprived and adrift as I did in the early weeks of March and April 2020, I feel an ease of slipping back into the routines and joys we discovered when the whole world shut down. I find myself grateful for the beautiful nature in our neighborhood on my walks, for the free yoga challenge online, for a wonderful dance instructor still having Sunday Zoom workouts, for more time to play board games with my kids and cook healthy meals. I have enjoyed more time to rest and read, dig into my grad classes, write in this blog.

My little snow bunny.

I feel a kind of contented ease that I don't really recall enjoying in the past. Perhaps, I have just become more comfortable with existing in the present moment and enjoying the company of my family. Maybe I like the excuse to ruthlessly cut nonessentials from my life. Or maybe it was the first huge snowstorm of the year which always makes the world look brand new. Whatever it is, I like it. I'm going to try to cultivate this essentialist approach to my time and enjoyment.

Here's a little hope into the world that we can stay healthy and joyful, even if the world feels like it's conspiring to keep us from those things.

Not Being There.

I shouldn't publish this because my family reads my blog, but it's time for my annual writing-share with my students.  This is what I'll be sharing tomorrow:

But they never call me. Near the end of my first year teaching in Korea, I had just signed a contract for my dream teaching job—a high school for students gifted in foreign languages—that would keep me in Korea another two years, when the e-mail notification for my internet phone line popped up with a message from my parents. During my year teaching English to elementary and middle school kids at an after-school academy called a hagwon, we'd fallen into a comfortable pattern where I'd call them on my Sunday mornings (their Saturday evenings with the time difference) to chat about life from 7,000 miles away. Yet, here was a message on Tuesday morning—one hour before my daily taekwondo lesson.

I had just fixed breakfast—instant apple cinnamon Quaker oatmeal that I'd scrounged up at Costco, a luxury in a country that feasts on rice and bean-paste soup with a spicy pickled cabbage dish called kimchi for nearly every meal. Why did they call on a Tuesday?

I clicked play and the worry in my mom's voice rang out over the tinny laptop speakers. “Honey, it's your mother. We don't want to worry you, but you should call us back right away. Dad's tests came back from the doctor.”

I tried to remember what we'd talked about this weekend. Mom had mentioned a doctor appointment, but it had seemed routine. Nothing out of the ordinary. Dad always goes to doctors for his diabetes and hypertension. Why that tone? The one she'd used to tell me my grandmother died.

In my head, I counted back the hours. Tuesday morning at 9:30 in Korea meant that it was 8:30 Monday evening in D.C. I hooked up my computer's microphone and dialed.

My sister answered. “Hello?” Even she sounded less energetic and more distant than usual.

“What's up? You sound weird.”

“I don't even get a 'hello' now?” She tried to pass it off like a joke. She was still a little angry with me at having moved halfway across the planet for her senior year of high school.

“Mom called. She sounded weird, too. What's going on over there?”

Sarah paused, unable to respond. “Maybe you should talk to Mom. Let me get her.” Listening to her fumble for words was a shock. She always has a snappy comeback. Always.

My oatmeal had congealed into a lukewarm lump. I didn't care. I wasn't hungry.

“Hello, dear.” Mom's voice still had that tone.

“What is it? You guys are really starting to worry me. Is Dad okay?”

“He's fine.” She had to swallow. “I told you this weekend that he was going to his doctor. Well, we didn't want to worry you, but it was not his normal doctor.”

“What do you mean? Tell me, Mom. Spit it out.”

“He went to an oncologist for testing. He has something called multiple myeloma. But don't worry. There's a lot of hope. There are so many treatments these days and the outcome is usually—”

“Wait, Mom. Did you just say Dad has cancer?”

“Yes, but the treatments these days—” She went on to tell me a lot of things about multiple myeloma that I did not hear. My father had cancer. And I was 7,000 miles away in a country that ate kimchi for breakfast. I had never felt so alone and so helpless in my life. I spoke to my father that morning, too, but I can't remember what he said either. I was thinking about the fact that I had just signed on to be away from my family for another two years and wouldn't even get a chance to visit them between the jobs. After I got off the phone with my parents, I canceled my taekwondo lesson, crawled back into bed, and forgot about the dried, cold oatmeal and the multiple myeloma and slept.

Two years later, having finished my employment contract with the foreign language high school and returned home to Maryland, I can finally talk about it. I still have trouble with the c-word, but I can say my father is in remission. I can joke with him a little about the fact that he can't use public swimming pools anymore because the risk of infection is too great. I ask him about the plans he's made for when it recurs in five years or so.

But I wasn't there when he lost 40 lbs and all his hair. His doctors wouldn't let me visit him while he was undergoing the bone marrow therapy because I was coming from a foreign country. I was half a world away when my family faced the biggest crisis they ever have because they all told me it was okay, and that I should take the job I wanted because it was such a great opportunity, and that there wasn't really anything I could do to help while he was in the hospital anyways because my brother didn't have a job right now and the economy was bad, so he could do what was needed. I wasn't there and my body rebelled, tore my guts to pieces, and put me in a Korean hospital a year ago. The doctors call it “ulcerative colitis,” but I know the truth. It's a physical manifestation of the guilt of not being there.

Every single day, I miss kimchi and taekwondo and the adventures I had in my husband's homeland. Was it the easy way out? My brother thinks it was. He resents me for not being there. For falling in love and getting married while our father almost died. My sister's anger at me for leaving in the first place grew more bitter. We remain distant compared to the inseparability we once had.

My dad is the only one that understands and approves.

“Cancer changed me,” he said last weekend while we were sailing on the boat he bought earlier this year. “All for the better. I would never have bought this boat, for example. A dream I've had for years—it just never would have happened. I was far too caught up in worrying about the future to realize that the present is what matters.” I look away, so he can't see the tears forming in my eyes. “I'm so glad you were off in Korea, having adventures, writing about them, sending us pictures.”

He doesn't say he was happy I didn't see him frail and weak like his other children did. He doesn't say that my getting married in Korea in January gave him something to get better for. He doesn't need to.

I know not being there was my way of being there for my father. But not being there was the hardest thing I've ever done.

I'm here, now, though. And now, sometimes for no reason at all, my father calls me to chat. And I don't have to wonder why he's calling on a Tuesday morning.

Top Ten Reasons to Return to U.S.A.

I've been struggling ever since buying my (much too expensive) plane ticket back to D.C. last week (and booking the kitties to ride with me, of course) with the reality that I'm leaving Korea--my home for the last three years.

I know I'm making the right choice for myself and my family in returning, but I am going to miss so many things about my life here and am returning to so much uncertainty (no job, no apartment, no health care--ack!) in a poor economic climate (when I know that if I stayed one more year here I'd be grad school debt free) that I keep second guessing my decision. What's really annoying is that my brain decided to wait until AFTER I've done something pretty permanent, like buying a one-way plane ticket and a visa for my husband, to start questioning my decision. Perhaps my brain knew better than to question before, since I'm facing some pretty compelling reasons to stay here one more year--not the least of which is that I love LOVE my job and it's likely the job market for teachers in the DC area (which is a hot mess right now) will be much more favorable at this time next year.

I need to list the reasons why I want to return so that I can make it more appealing.

1. Professional development. Having completed my MA last year, I'm now at a career stand-still in my current job, even though I love it. My long term career goals require me to return to the states for at least three years and possibly pursue certification in a second or third area and I can't really do that here.
2. Family. Can't get into this on the blog, but I've been away too long. It's been a rough year for the family and while my return will initially burden them, I think after a few months and getting established, I can help them out a lot.
3. Min Gi getting to know my culture. I've lived in his for three years, and it really allows me to appreciate him in ways I don't know that I would if I hadn't lived here. I'm hoping living in America does the same for him with me.
4. Value to society. In Korea, I'm kind of a non-member of society. My contributions here, while difficult for me and important for the people I see daily, are rather insignificant and shallow compared with when I lived in the U.S.
5. Certain hobbies. I haven't been able to do theater, sew, sail, garden, bake, swim regularly, or go camping in Korea. I miss these activities immensely. (Of course, conversely... continuing TKD, skiing, and swing dance will all be much more expensive in the U.S.)
6. Going Vegan. Considering doing this. In America, it will be much easier.
7. Seeing Green. Korea is a concrete jungle. Now, yes, I know the suburban sprawl has many disadvantages, not the least of which is rendering a car an almost necessity, but there are so many pretty parks in residential areas. I love being outdoors in the U.S. It's harder to get that feeling in Korea, though I certainly have found some ways to achieve it.
8. Diversity of Food. There is just so much more choice in America. Although I plan to try to eat more locally than I did when I last lived in the U.S., I still love wandering through supermarkets in general wonder and glee. Any ingredients you need to make Korean foods are readily available in America. This is NOT true in reverse. (For that matter, diversity in other things is also a good thing about America).
9. Privacy/Space. People have a wide personal space bubble and respect it. You can have an evening drink in your own backyard--a personal piece of paradise. No one will dare touch your boobs, your hair, or your car (or if they do, you're allowed to shoot them... well... maybe not, but certainly within your rights to give them a nasty dressing-down).
10. Bathtubs. It's just not the same to take your novel to the local jjimjilbang.

Care to add yours? Please... inspire me to want to go back to the U.S. Please... I'm on the verge of cancelling my ticket and signing on for another year...

My True Loves (Sunday Health #2)

I've been a little unfocused this week. Lately, I've become obsessed with simple living and minimalist blogs (I will be doing a review post of my favorites soon). I think it's because I'm nervous as heck about the cost of living in the Washington, DC area coupled with school district budget cuts which slash my chances of finding a good job when I return home. Anyhow, they've convinced me to take the plunge and make some steps towards minimalism, which actually ties in nicely to my new focus on health.

One of the first things any and all minimalism practitioners will tell you is that you have to focus on the things you truly love, your passions, and then cut out everything else that is unnecessary. It sounds simple, but I'm a dabbler. Actually if I could cheat and say "Engaging in lots of different things," I would, but I know that's too vague for this activity. It took me the better part of an hour to pare down my many hobbies/interests to my five true loves (and it required me to make a list of 6-10 strong likes that I will allow myself to do if all of the first five areas in my life are completely fulfilled at that moment--or as part of fulfilling one of the five true passions). Here are my five:

1) Spending quality time with my loved ones (Min Gi, my family, certain friends who are practically family).
2) Maximizing my health (includes cooking, exercise, and proper rest).
3) Teaching (I love it, and it's my career that will support our family in the years to come).
4) Writing (I can't not write. I've tried--it makes me anxious. But more than that, I really want to write books one day and if I don't make this the priority it really should be in my life right now, I'll never do that).
5) Reading high-quality material (It's my go-to entertainment. I include here both books and online reading--though I am trimming the latter category significantly because some of what I read online is not really fulfilling).

That's it. Those are really my five true loves. My #6-10 cheating back-up "lusts" are:

6) Travel
7) Theater
8) Volunteering
9) Dance
10) Language study (especially Korean)

Here's the thing... I knew these before (everyone with a touch of self-awareness knows their passions without having to think too much about it), but it surprised me when I realized how much I really love exercising and cooking healthy meals. I thought it was just something I did because I was supposed to, but no... I really am happiest when I am being physically active and eating delicious vegetables. Currently, taekwondo is my favorite way to be active, but I also like other movement (most notably hiking, swimming, and dancing). This is kind of shocking for someone who never did any sports in middle or high school.

What's more... I realized that I absolutely do not prioritize my life around the things that make me happiest and most fulfilled. I mean, sure, I think about these things nonstop, but when it comes down to the daily grind of choices I make all the time, I often choose a mindless or pointless activity, such as watching TV, getting caught up in the politics/ridiculousness of a situation over which I have no control, or reading crappy things on the internet that piss me off rather than really interest me, instead of one of my favorite things. So both of my health goals/habits to change this week are rooted in pursuing simplicity and embracing minimalism. They are: 1) to spend as much time as possible pursuing the five passions and start cutting out everything else and 2) to clean, organize and trim my possessions down to less STUFF getting in the way. (And continuing with my previous goals, all of which are going very well, and have resulted in another 0.5kg/1lb loss as well as a peaceful, happy state of mind).

I think pursuing #1 is about little things--the choices we make every moment. For example, walking to the subway instead of taking the bus lets me get more exercise and read (reading on the bus is impossible, on the subway--it's easy); choosing to go to swing dance only when Min Gi or other good friends do because that means I'm spending time with him and exercising more; writing in my blog instead of watching a downloaded TV show.

Today I managed to do this very well. I spent the day with Min Gi's family in Pohang. When we got home, I was tired, but rather than get on my computer and watch Season 3 of Ugly Betty or read a blog I hate (yes, I do this), I suggested to my husband that we go for a hike on the mountain behind our house. We were both thrilled! And I was feeling tired before the hike and wanted to go out for dinner and blow the progress I'd been making on being healthy, but the mountain air re energized me (as did the good conversation,) and we decided instead to have an omurice cooking "contest" for dinner (each of us prepare an omurice, a Korean dish that wraps vegetable fried rice in an omelet, in our own styles and then enjoy the results together--teasing each other about who did a better job). It was wonderful (both the food and the company). And we may have developed a new Sunday ritual for us. Bonus!

Sunday Health Progress

Many of you who read this blog or who know me from real life know that I have long struggled with my weight and had many health issues over the years, most recently being diagnosed with the chronic autoimmune disease ulcerative colitis last May, for which I was hospitalized in October. The last year and a half, a lot of things have happened to me and the people I love that have made more visceral and immediate something that I already knew: My health is the single most important responsibility I have.

Health is a priori for living a good, fulfilling, and happy life. You cannot do anything else really well--your relationships, your job, your passions--without it. When I wrote my wedding vows (which I will post when I write more about the wedding, I promise), I was thinking foremost about health when I made one of them "I choose to take care of myself and my responsibilities, so that I can take care of you and our family."

This is radically different thinking than how I was raised. In my family, we tend to take care of others to the detriment of ourselves. Both of my parents work hard and are extremely generous, and I love them so much for that example. But sometimes I think my brother and I have been also instructed that thinking of (and caring for) others is more important than caring for yourself. I still believe that. However, the last few years have made it clear to me that you cannot really care for others if you are not in at least reasonable shape yourself. (This thinking extends to more areas than just physical health--it also applies to mental health, financial solvency, and teaching--which is my chosen profession).

Now that I am married, I am responsible to my husband for many things (keeping our household going, communicating in loving ways, not sleeping with other guys--you know, the basics). And while I think my 15 year old self would have found this notion ridiculous, I believe that caring for my health is one of the most important. Furthermore, we recently decided that later this year, we will start trying to have a family. Pregnancy scares the crap out of me--mostly because I know that my current health habits are not good enough for the future child I hope to house in my womb and then raise with my husband. But these two factors are combining to make me get serious about changing my habits in a permanent way to maximize my own health.

Oh, irony. That I have to think of how my health impacts others in order to make it a priority for myself. However, so far, these things have been a far more powerful motivator for me than vanity.

I'm doing it a bit different this time. For one thing, although weight loss is a goal, because my being overweight is negatively impacting my health, it's not the only or even the most important part of my health journey. My goals are to be alive long enough to enjoy my life with Min Gi. To be active enough to keep up with my kids. To be healthy enough to have time and focus for my writing and my career (I have used too many sick days of necessity). To have a strong enough body to support a child and give birth without too many complications. To partake of the physical activities that my husband and I enjoy doing together (get your minds out of the gutter, folks--I mean dancing, hiking, swimming, traveling, running, playing, skiing... things like that).

To accomplish these goals I know that I have to do three main things: 1) manage my disease 2) achieve and maintain a healthy weight--for my height, age, and body type I have set a goal of 64 kgs (141 lbs), which would put me at a BMI of 21.5 and 3) increase and sustain my level of fitness--I was happiest when I was active for at least 10 hours a week, half of which were real workouts at TKD, the other half coming from activities like dancing and hiking, that I enjoy.

To that end, I'm focusing on changing 2-3 habits each week. In the past, I would try to change everything all at once. Then when I (inevitably) was unsuccessful with one thing or wouldn't see progress fast enough, I allowed myself to give up on ALL of my health goals. This doesn't work. I want a change in lifestyle here, not just losing a few pounds. So far, it's working!

I began after getting back from the honeymoon with (1) giving up soda (I usually drank 3-4 servings of diet coke each day for most of my life) and replacing it with a cup or two of green tea in the morning, (2) eating food outside the home rarely, and (3) resuming nightly taekwondo, this time with An Il, my old studio and Sa Beom Nim. I'm doing fabulously with #1. I have eaten out only three times since returning to Korea (not bad for a restaurant-addict like myself) and discovering that I really like cooking at home every day. This has required more planning, creativity, and flexibility than I realized (such as running to the store in the morning when I don't have soy milk for my cereal and planning which vegetables will work with the ones I already have in the fridge), but it's been worth it. As for #3, I had a mild flare up of the UC and a huge foot blister that interfered with my resuming, but I am committed. The four times I've gone in the last two weeks have left me feeling AMAZING and the commute by subway is not nearly as bad as I feared it might be, especially because I can read.

This week, I continued my three previous resolutions and added (1) starting to track my weight and (2) getting enough sleep every night. Last Sunday, I weighed in at 82.5 kgs (179 lbs). It's hard not to get emotional about weight, but I've been trying to see it as one measure of my overall health. That's helping. And as for #2, I've been pretty good about getting into bed between 11 and 12 and waking up at 7 most days. I shut off the computer (with it's many downloaded episodes of Ugly Betty and Lost) and read until I fall asleep, usually pretty quickly. I can feel the difference regular rest makes for my body. I have more energy and patience. I can concentrate longer on what I'm doing (hence why the writing has resumed on the blog), and I'm happier. The biggest challenge with this one so far is that Min Gi's schedule is slightly different than mine, since he doesn't work outside the home, and late at night he likes to start really good discussions or he wants to dance or cuddle with me. This is wonderful and delightful, but I have to be really firm about going to bed, or he'd keep me up until 2 every night.

Anyhow, I've decided to make Sundays on my blog a day to reflect on my health progress, set my new goals for the week, and talk about this process. It helps to be reflective in my health journey, and hopefully the accountability of blogging will give me a little extra push to meet my goals.

This week I want to (1) keep a food journal (this helps with both maintaining my disease and losing weight) and (2) eat mindfully (I tend to eat out of habit, boredom, and in response to negative emotions; I would like to be more present with my food this week and try to focus on the tastes/textures and my satiety). Next week, I'll check in with you about how all this is going!

For now, I weighed in this morning at 80.5kgs (177lbs), which is a good loss (1 kg/2lbs) from last week. I feel better rested and had great energy at swing last night. Yesterday, Min Gi and I went swimming at the pool near our house and I did 50 laps and felt amazing! (His response: "Well, there is one sport you are better at than me!" To which I reminded him: "But what about skiing? And horseback riding? And swing dancing? And sailing?" He laughed: "Ok. You are better than me at lots of things.")

한국어 화요일 (Korean Tuesday)

Note: I am not giving this to a Korean speaker before publishing it on my blog.

신혼여행할때 여보와 한국어 가끔 말했다. 요즘, 저는 연습 못해서 제 한국어 진짜 나쁘다 (여러분 보일수있다). 하지만, 한국어말하기 아주 재미있고 한국사람과 결혼했기 때문에 중요하다. 그래서, 지금 우리집에서 화요일에는 한국어만 사용하다.

What I was trying to say: While Min Gi and I were on our honeymoon, we sometimes spoke Korean. These days, I don't practice, so my Korean is very bad (You all can see). But, speaking Korean is fun and, because I am married to a Korean person, important. So, now in our house we use only Korean on Tuesdays.

***

I will also be trying to write a bit of my Tuesday blog in Korean, to keep in the spirit of studying. I keep another study notebook and journal for practice because I really don't need to prove to the world what a complete failure I am at learning languages. However, I will try to be brave and publish some small pieces on Tuesdays.

I'm quite rusty, so please have some patience with me. Min Gi is very patient, which helps. He wants to have a penalty for speaking in English on Tuesday, but he hasn't decided what that penalty will be (oh no!). So far today, we've both forgotten twice, but then we go back to speaking in Korean--so no penalties thus far. It is working as an inspiration for studying. I'm making some flashcards tonight!

Tonight I also return to my old TKD studio, An Il. The commute is ridiculous (like an hour subway, and 15 min walking on each end), but I've come to realize that I just enjoy Sa Beom Nim as an instructor and value my relationship with him and his wife and kids too much not to spend some time with them my last six months here. I will use the time on the subway to keep up with my reading goals and, hopefully, earn my second degree belt before I leave.

As for honeymoon (and more wedding--yes, I'm really late on those) pictures and posts, they're coming! I've started the process of combing through my 1500 photos from the last two weeks. Today was the first day back at school (both chaotic and easy and I don't want to blog about it at all), so I'm back in a normal schedule which should allow me to make better progress on all my current goals. However, I'm also losing my house husband as Min Gi is going back to work later this week or early next week. My dishes will be a bit less sparkling and my lunch breaks substantially less amusing, but there will be a bit more money for the new laptop he needs to buy (his old one is pretty much dead) and saving for the big move in August.

2009 Kinda Sucked... 2010 Is Looking Up.

Mostly due to health issues, I only half accomplished my goals for this year. I did get my Master's. I do eat healthier. I would be out of consumer debt if I wasn't getting married, hadn't already paid for the honeymoon tickets, and hadn't had to visit the hospital in October. However, I'm much closer to being debt-free than I was last year, even with those expenses. The other goals have had progress made, some more, some less.

This year, I have a lot on my plate, so I'm keeping it pretty simple.

1. Obtain proper visa so that Min Gi and I can move back to America in August/September.
2. Get a decent job in America.
3. Be consumer debt free and pay off the smallest of the three school loans (with the highest interest rate).
4. Health stuff: a) Get my strength back by training 3-6 days/week b) Get the second degree belt in taekwondo after returning to training full time in March c) Eat out 3 or fewer times per week (including ordering in) because I eat more vegetables and healthier food when I cook.
5. Raise at least $7,500 for the Kenyan NGO where Min Gi and I would like to volunteer in summer 2011.
6. Have an awesome first year of marriage (starting January 9)!

I have some other things I'd like to accomplish in my Korean language studies, dance, and my writing, but I think these are the best goals for me at this time.

Winter/Hiking/Recovery

Winter in Daegu is cold. Usually bitter cold with wind making it feel colder. However, winter is also sunny and bright, with clear blue skies and lots of sunshine. Often, when I look out the window (if the room I am in is adequately heated), I forget that it is winter and bitter cold and that the sun sets at the ungodly early hour of 5 pm and doesn't rise again until a bit after 7 the next morning, and I want to go hiking.

I love hiking. Min Gi and I went hiking on our first date and have been hiking on many mountains in the area since then. I had a plan to hike two of the biggest mountains in South Korea before I left, but alas, my health problems have made hiking pretty much impossible for the last few months. It has been hurting our relationship a little, although thankfully we've learned through this illness that we're a pretty strong unit.

Last night, I had a dream that we went hiking. We were the only two people on the mountain. When we got to the top, it was a glorious, deep sky blue, not a cloud in sight, and we could see spreading green below us for miles and miles. I woke up sad--mourning for my lost ability to go more than 50 meters uphill without breathing heavily, for that feeling of peace at the top of a mountain (I wonder if there is a word in Korean for that feeling... I know there's one for the color--푸르디푸른)

Recovering from an illness is daunting. I remember being healthy, but being so obsessed with the 10kgs I wanted to lose that I never appreciated it. My body used to be so strong. And strength is beautiful. The last few weeks have been hard not only because I can't exercise as I want, but because when I look in the mirror, for the first time since high school, I truly hate what I see reflected back at me.

Alas, this is my last week on the prednisone. My moon face is "waning." I have been able to exercise and dance the last few weeks. I just have to stop being depressed that I can't instantly do all the stuff I used to do. I have to accept that it will take time to be able to kick that high, run that far, and climb that mountain, again.

Patience, when the day is this short and the air this cold, is hard.

I hate winter.

Small Victories.

Well, it's the end of November. Just one month left in 2009.

I returned to TKD this evening after more than two months away. My leg hurts a lot, but it's nice to be able to work out again, even if it's still less than what I was able to do before. I hope to recover by resting well tonight and then going back again tomorrow.

I plan to continue the MWF yoga (although I skipped it this morning because of a monster headache).

The wedding plans are coming together. It's pretty exciting. I'm looking forward to seeing my family and showing them this place that's been my home for the last two and half years. I know they'll love it, though perhaps not as much as I do.

Wow, the leg really hurts. Time to heat it.

Health Update.

My health is on the mend... and I have been having a lot of ups and downs coping with it.

Downs:

-- Prednisone (the steroid I'm on to tame the flaring beast) side effects are kicking in BIG TIME: (1) I have a really round face now and am rapidly developing a double chin. I've never had a double chin. Even when I was practically obese in high school. I'm disgusted with how fat my face looks (it's gotten worse since the pics I posted from Saturday). My weight is staying relatively steady after it went way up in the hospital and then way down the week after, but my face and even my stomach are gathering more fat than they've ever had before. Ew. I don't look like ME in the mirror, and I'm absolutely terrified I'll still look weird and round and tummy-fat for the wedding in two months. I'm not a terribly vain girl, but I would like to look like myself for my wedding. (2) I cannot stop eating. I'm trying to keep it healthy, but seriously it's this bizarre COMPULSION. Not like when I used to emotionally overeat before, just the need to eat every piece of food in sight, especially salty foods. It's nutty. Exercising seems to help me resist, but that leads us to the next downer:

-- I'm much weaker than I used to be: I've started doing yoga again on MWF mornings, but damn if I can't hold the strength poses that used to be so easy. And Friday when we did five sun series salutations in a row, I was SWEATING a LOT. I can't really jog and walking up stairs winds me a lot faster than it used to. I want my strength back. Even when I was fat, I was STRONG. I miss it so much. I miss being active.

-- Every time I step down the prednisone (weaning myself off it), my UC symptoms ramp up a little bit the next day. It balances back out quickly, but since Wednesdays have been my adjustment days, Thursdays have sucked.

Ups:

-- I'm not flaring anymore: This is key. I'm having normal bowel movements, generally fewer than 4/day (except adjustment days, but even then nothing like before I went into the hospital).

-- I have more energy: I've been experimenting with cooking (not just making something easy) after work, doing chores around the house, and walking around comfortably. This is totally different than 2 weeks ago when I'd come home so exhausted I could barely fix dinner.

-- My strength IS coming back, if slowly. For example, for my walk today on the track near my gym, I did 13 laps in the same time it took me to walk 5 the day after I got out of the hospital, and I even did a few bursts of 30 seconds of jogging. Yoga was easier this week than it was last week. I can walk up the four flights of stairs to my classroom in a reasonable amount of time. I may be frustrated, but I'm making progress. My goal is to be strong enough to resume taekwondo in December.

-- My doctor thinks I'll be off prednisone before the wedding, which means the vanity side effects should be seriously reduced.

-- I'm on a lot fewer meds than I was two weeks ago. Once I'm off the prednisone, it'll just be back to the minor remission maintenance drugs I was on since May, plus one more (probiotics). They have almost no side effects for me (after the first month adjusting) and work really well to keep me from flaring.

So the goods outweigh the bads, but still, some things to worry about. I can't wait until I can hike and kick and dance and look in the mirror and be content. We'll get there...

My return to TKD!

I posted on my other blog about my return to TKD. Since what's been preventing me is related to my disease issues, I thought it would be more appropriate over there. You can read about it here.

Quitting? Cadavers? Angels?

What a long, strange, emotional day it's been.

I had one more (very unpleasant) procedure this morning to confirm my diagnosis. Alas, it is the chronic autoimmune disease my doctor suspected it to be. Although we were pretty sure that's what it was, finally being confirmed made me just crash... Now I really do have to deal with this for the rest of my life. I started the medication to actually treat the condition (before we were treating symptoms). It's gonna be a rough ride.

Which got me thinking that I'm really stressed out by taekwondo these days. The late time makes it hard to get a good night's sleep. Also, by the time 9:20 rolls around, I'm too tired to try as hard as I can. So I realized that for my health, I might have to give up my lessons. This made me really sad because I so much enjoy learning taekwondo, but I just haven't been going that often since I've been so tired and stressed out these days.

So I sent a message to Kwanjangnim saying that I'd like to talk because my health was not so good (he knows I've been missing a lot these days and that I've been going to the hospital). He suggested coming to the 6:30 class... Now, why didn't I think of that? I felt so much better after talking to him. I can keep doing taekwondo, even if it's with the younger kids, but still get to bed at a reasonable hour.

Awesome!

After my medical appointment, I met my friend Boo-yoon, who is a med student at Kyungbuk National University, for lunch. We went to a Russian restaurant downtown that is not particularly vegetarian friendly on the menu, but they willingly substituted eggs for meat on a stir fry dish. It was quite delicious.

Then we went to his school which was having a festival of sorts. Each of the different departments (medical specialties) had displays set up to teach the general public about different diseases and health issues. Boo-yoon's group gave a demo about cardiovascular disease, and he got a kick out of making his friends try to give their presentations in English.

Anyhow, the most bizarre exhibit was the anatomy group. The first part featured fetuses and babies with congenital birth defects preserved in formaldehyde jars. It was very disturbing, especially the really awful defects, like being born with no brain or only one eye. Then they had three cadavers on display--two men and one woman. Now, I've seen a dissected cat before, so I was kind of interested to see a human, but really it just looked disturbingly like hacked up meat. Especially with the faces covered, they just didn't look human at all. And the preservative they were using made all the organs various shades of brown. It was all just really overwhelming, so I had to leave after just a few minutes.

And no, I didn't get any photos. I did ask if I could take some, but Boo-yoon said it would be disrespectful.

All medical-scienced out from my day thus far, I treated myself to the movie Angels and Demons based on the book by Dan Brown. This was a far better movie than The Da Vinci Code, though I had read that book before watching the disappointing film version, whereas I went in today with no prior knowledge of the story. I really enjoyed Ewan McGregor's performance and Hans Zimmer's score.

So now, I'm off to the early bedtime I've allotted myself. Happily. I hope your day was less... bizarre.

Adjustments.

Last Friday was Donggap Sabeomnim's last day a Tae Yang Taekwondo. Turns out since he got married near the end of last year, he's bought his own studio up in Chilgok and is even going to have two foreign students (hagwon teachers, but he hadn't met them yet when he told me about them). I'm so happy for him, but I'm going to miss him. He took a little bit of time to adjust to me at practice, but once he did, he was a great instructor who really pushed his students and he was the one who pushed the dance aspect of TKD which made a lot of workouts fun.

His replacement is... well... I'm having a lot of trouble enjoying his classes. The new instructor is a tall, skinny young man (probably not even finished university) with crazy hair who is clearly very good at soccer and taekwondo, but also clearly has no experience teaching others. He's like a big, goofy kid with ADHD. This could be a good thing for getting along with the students, but he has no discipline whatsoever.

Practices haven't been starting until 9:30-9:45 (they're supposed to begin by 9:20 at the latest). We don't do group warmups, and the only real exercise I've gotten is when he has us use the jumpropes--but even that was unstructured. We had no set numerical goal or type of jump he wanted us to practice, he just let us go. He put on music, but then after about 8 bars of each song, he'd switch to a new song. This made it really difficult to get a groove going and made me keep stopping and starting.

Beyond this, we've been sort of working out on our own or playing games. Every night.

I really don't have a problem with the goofing off or game playing once in awhile; the students need it to build up group dynamics and 정. However, when we haven't kicked, punched or done a single poomsae in a week, I really have to wonder why I'm paying 90,000 won a month to learn taekwondo.

Just as we have no clear start of our session, we don't have clear endings. Those of you who do taekwondo know that it's important to salute the instructor to mark the end of the practice. However, since I'm in the last class of the day, some of the boys stay after this salute to work on tricks or special routines for a show that's coming up. Sometimes I'll stay to practice a poomsae or a new move we learned in class, but with his late start times and unclear finishes (no salute), I end up just hanging around until 10:30 (I used to be out consistently by 10:20) watching others do stuff, wondering if I'm allowed to go change and leave yet.

It's so frustrating.

I'm getting to the point where I'm considering quitting after I get 2 dan. Or at least finding a new studio. I don't want to do that to Kwanjangnim--I really like him and when he is instructing class, the classes are awesome. I also love my studiomates and am FINALLY at the point where I've been pretty well accepted there and don't want to deal with the rigamorole of joining another studio and being the foreign freak for a few more months.

But at the same time, I'm not getting a good workout AND I'm not learning taekwondo! It's not a good situation.

Before I completely give up on the whole studio, I will talk to Kwanjangnim if ADHD Sabeomnim continues to piss me off. Although this is difficult because I lack the nuances that would enable it to be a tactful discussion of my problems with the current structure of the class. I mean, I do LIKE ADHD Sabeomnim, I just don't like his teaching style. At all. However, I'll give him some more time because with my test in a month and a half.

What else can I do?

Yoga in the Morning.

Having quit the gym ages ago (well... allowed my membership to relapse), I've started craving a return to that kind of environment. Another teacher at my school has been going to a Tues/Thurs morning yoga class, so I thought I'd give it a shot. Apparently, I also can use the gym on weekends for free. Score!

This morning I dragged my sleepy head out of bed at 5:30 a.m. to arrive for the 6:00 class. I was so tired when I went, but it was AMAZING. I hadn't practiced yoga for about five years, so I'd forgotten how great it makes my body feel. I had more energy all day--this is awesome.

The instructor is rather peppy for so early in the morning, and it's more stretching than traditional yoga, but it's exactly what I need for now. That and starting taekwondo again in a couple hours is going to make my body so happy again.

Namaste!

친목회 at Mungyeong Saejae.

Once again having the free time to do so, I'm studying Korean in full swing, so I'm trying to remember/recognize/recall the words I hear and learn in daily life. I was proud of myself for correctly guessing from context that 전통 (jeon tong) means "traditional." This means my blog will contain more hangeul than it previously did. Our apologies in advance to non-Korean readers. I'll try to make sure I'm still always in English.

Today I went with my co-workers on a 친목회 (chin mok hwoe, a friendship meeting or social gathering) to Mungyeong (문경), a small town north of Daegu, but still in the Gyeongsangbuk province (경상북도).

The town is famous for two things. First, it is the filming location for a historic drama. Second, it contains a historic mountain path with three gates, the 문경새재 과거 길, an important road connecting the province with Seoul by uniting the Han River with the main river in Gyeongsangbukdo. This path is a little less than 7 km from the first to the third gate, and this was our intended destination for a late-spring stroll and staff bonding session.

The third gate. Our first sign of the historic path.

After the students suffered through three finals, we all grabbed a quick lunch in the cafeteria and hopped onto some very luxurious buses for the two hour ride out to the town. Upon arrival, we hiked uphill for about thirty minutes to the third gate, which would be the beginning of our little venture (yes, that's the hike in addition to the 7km walk--my legs hurt). Everything was very green, beautiful, and peaceful.

All along the path, there ran a clear mountain stream. You can see how clear the water is in this picture.

The second gate, tucked away in a shady spot.

Finally we arrived at the fake village that's used as the drama set, only to find a tea bowl festival taking place. While walking for well over 7 km in peaceful serenity may make you want to avoid a crowded, dirty festival, it certainly makes a cup of tea welcoming.

Ladies in hanboks serve us lotus and green tea.

The first gate, through which you can see the festival, looking the worse for the wear--No thanks!

Dinner was at a tofu soup place with awesome pajeon. I stuffed myself silly and other teachers got drunk (inebriated, as I taught the tipsy English teachers, sloshed, tittled, soused, pickled, intoxicated, wasted, trashed... and so on). We did not arrive back home until just as taekwondo would be starting. So although I had planned to make tonight my grand return after the month I took off to complete the grad school stuff, I had to call Kwanjangnim and apologize profusely (much to the entertainment of my fellow teachers who got to listen to my bad phone Korean).

I spent most of the walk with William. It was nice to have a non-work-related conversation with him (though I guess you could say we have those often enough at work anyhow). Check out the rest of my photos in the album for some peace and tranquility:

Mungyeong Saejae

On another note, I've decided to start updating that "Foreigner" Fitness blog I started with Jen a bit ago. Don't know if she'll start, too, but good lord I need somewhere to talk about all the medical/health stuff I'm dealing with right now, but I don't want to get this blog all dirty with irrelevant scatological discussions. Check it out if you want to read about such things, but I highly suggest you don't. I wouldn't want to read about it, and I'm freaking LIVING it.

Learning what "American" means.

Written as an introduction to my gifted writing class (the example for them so they can write their own introductions--the last time I did this, I wrote about taekwondo):

"Americans all eat hamburgers every day."

Actually, I'm a vegetarian.

"Americans are Christian. They believe in God."

Although I celebrate Christmas, I wouldn't really call myself Christian. As for whether I believe in God, that's a long story for another time.

"Americans are all white."

Tell that to my black, adopted sister. Or to the other foreign English teacher at Taegu Foreign Language High School, a Chinese-American.

Everyday I hear strange generalizations made by Korean students about natives from my country, the U.S.A. Although these misunderstandings are easy to correct for my students, other mistaken beliefs are not so easy to explain. Partly because they are based on deep-rooted parts of culture that one has to study intensely over a long period of time to really understand. And partly because it's really hard to see your own culture objectively enough to be able to explain to another person why something is wrong, even if you can see that it is.

Last semester, I found out that TFLHS offered a course called "American Culture" to its second grade students. It was taught by a thoughtful, hard-working woman who had spent only six months in America, even though we had two American citizens teaching English at the school. She struggled to understand things I'd known since birth. She was always asking me questions and seemed overburdened with teaching a subject so out of synch with her experiences.

This arrangement struck me as preposterous, so I suggested to the head of the English department that rather than co-teaching the English Reading second grade class, perhaps I would serve the school better co-teaching the culture class. So this semester, I was excited when I learned I'd been assigned the class with Ms. Lim.

However, I became overwhelmed. Where do you even begin to explain your own culture to another person? How can you help them understand your culture through comparisons with their own when you are only beginning to understand theirs in the most superficial of ways? I was never more grateful than at that moment to be co-teaching with such an intelligent Korean woman.

As we teach the course, most of our planning meetings consist of frank discussions about the differences between American and Korean culture. In this last month I have learned so much about Korean culture through my conversations with her. For example, though I knew Koreans and Americans to both be hard working people, I saw Americans as valuing efficiency more than Koreans did. When I told this to Ms. Lim, she was horrified.

"But Koreans really value efficiency!"

"Then why do they spend so much time at the office being unproductive--taking naps, socializing, goofing off? If they worked more efficiently, then they could leave earlier and spend more time with their families."

She thought about this for a moment. "Koreans don't see it this way. When they are at work, they are part of the company. Their job is to make sure the company works efficiently. If they went home early, and someone needed to talk to them about something, it could cause a problem for the company's efficiency."

A light went off in my head. "I think I get it. Americans direct their efficiency towards individual productivity. Even though they are part of a company, they tend to think in terms of it being my job and my work. It's not that Americans aren't team players, they just don't view the company above their personal tasks."

"I think that's a better way to explain it. We don't want to offend the students."

I laughed a little. "I suppose if we were in America, Koreans would see our work habits as selfish and inconvenient to cooperative efficiency."

I love this kind of cultural exchange. In fact, a big reason that I left the U.S. to teach in Korea was my interest in learning about another culture by living in it. For the last year and a half, I have been trying to make sense of my adopted country, Korea, and usually I must do so by making comparisons with my homeland, America.

I've picked up two hobbies here in Korea--one distinctly Korean that I had planned to try while I was still back home, taekwondo, and one, unexpected, that originated in my own country, swing dance. I find myself paying more attention to American issues than I did when I lived there. It's almost like I'm just now starting to understand what being an American really means.

Ironically, I had to move halfway around the world to figure out what that is!

Anne comes to Korea!

My best friend from the US, Anne, came to Korea for her spring break, which happened to coincide with my birthday on Monday. Yay! Although she is now in Seoul, we had lots of good times in and around Daegu.

On Sunday, we went out to Palgongsan to ride the "Happy 700 happy car" (Replacing the So-so 600 so-so car, which had been a dramatic improvement over the original Depressed 400 depressed car) up the mountain. Although overcast, the views were still quite lovely, and the cherry blossoms are budding. Next week it will be in full bloom. We also visited Donghwasa, making this my third trip there.

At the top of the mountain, I found a new family. Here is our portrait for the Christmas album.

Rejected from smurf village's casting, Buffy Smurf became a Korean Buddhist icon.

The next day, Anne visited my taekwondo studio, where Kwanjangnim threw an impromptu birthday party after practice.

Studio boys, Kwanjangnim, Donggap Sabeumnim, and Anne and I in silly hats.

Finally, last night, we had a wacky evening in and around the Kyoungdae Bukmoon area. We had dinner at my favorite Indian restaurant, and then stayed out far too late, being goofy.


Gong Bi whacks Min Gi with the "Health Hammer."

My other birthday present from Min Gi was this pink hiking ajumma hat. Here I model it gangsta style.

The rest of the photos from our time together are spread out in two different albums on Facebook. You can see them here or here.

I'll miss the Anne-nan-nan!!!

The Cure to Homesickness.

Ingredients:

1. Amazing friends, both new and old
2. Very understanding parents
3. A loving boyfriend who, if he doesn't always understand, will at least cuddle, listen and try
4. Bad American TV
5. A physical illness to distract you from your emotional one
6. Cute kitties
7. A challenging and interesting job
8. Volunteer work
9. Swing dance and taekwondo
10. Spring weather

Directions

Make plans to visit, chat, and eat good meals with (1). Call (2) often and talk for a long time. Sometimes this might not be possible as they are also quite busy with their own lives, but make the effort. Spend time with (3), trying not to whine too much when you do. Do not take him for granted or you might spoil the dish.

Eventually (5) will happen as the stress becomes to much. Although it feels bad, it will eventually revive you. Watch a lot of (4) and cuddle with (6). When you can't sleep, throw yourself into (7) and (8) with vigor. You may feel exhausted, but eventually you'll start to feel the rewards.

Keep doing (9), even when you don't feel like it. You have a great time. Wait patiently as (10) begins to appear. Take the whole mix as often as possible for two weeks. During this time, your moods may be unpredictable, but persevere and you will reap the sweet rewards of this homemade cure.

Serves: 1.

I won!

Taekwondo last night was game night (after the warmup).

We played a game where you stand side by side, facing opposite directions. You hold the inside hand and then when someone says "go," you try to knock the other person off balance using just your connected hands. The first person to move their legs, loses. I played this game before and was not good at it because I didn't understand. Now, I beat everybody I played last night, including one girl (not one of the four I blogged about before, a newish yellow-belt high school girl who is freakishly strong) who creamed me in arm wrestling last week (I beat almost everyone else I played in that, too except one high school boy). Woo Hoo!

We played a game I don't understand, still. You stand facing each other and try to push the other person off balance by just slapping at their hands. It didn't make any sense at all. I looked around. Most people went off balance going in for the slap. Maybe next time I'll get it. Anyhow I lost that one about as often as I won.

The last game was the strangest, and in some ways the most fun. We sat on the floor with our knees up and feet on the floor, hands clutched behind the knees. By scooting on the floor and using mostly our legs, we had to knock the other person over (off balance). I was STELLAR at this game. Years of leg wrestling my brother when we were kids helped for the strategy, and then as a foreigner, I had the distinct advantage of having the widest butt in the room (both proportionally and, I think, literally). No one could knock me over. When I took out the strongest kid in the class (a third grade HS boy who is about 6'3", has a 4th degree black belt, and always wins these kinds of games), the whole class cheered.

We play a lot of games--various forms of dodgeball, soccer, relay races, Korean chicken fighting (very different than what we call chicken fighting, and a lot more fun and probably less dangerous)--in addition to sparring and regular training. It's interesting because I've learned (not dreadfully surprising, as I'm an adult and most of them are teens) that brute-strength wise, I'm probably one of the top five in the class. However, my balance, strategy, and speed suck and I often lack that competitive edge required to take out middle schoolers. I feel bad doing so most of the time. I should work on these things.

It helps now that the kids will actually go for me. At first they were afraid to really try. Now most of them don't hold back. It's good for me.

Also, because it was the last night before the long holiday, Kwanjangnim and Dongap Sabeumnim gave us little pockets (traditional style for hanboks) and 1,000 won. They also took the high school and university kids out to a noraebang. I was invited, and really wanted to attend, but Leah's goodbye party was scheduled for last night, so I couldn't go this time. Next time, I will go. And I'll bring my camera to the studio one of these days.

New Year's Resolutions...

To keep myself accountable... some goals for the year.

1. Finish the Master's degree.
2. Be consumer-debt free (student debt will take a few more years... oh the irony that MOST of the consumer debt is paying for school expenses not covered by loans...).
3. Get 2 dan in TKD. Make TKD a DAILY priority.
4. Complete all of 2A and 2B in Sogang plus finish the Legends reader. Generally continue Korean study.
5. Take some more lindy hop workshops. At least four.
6. Commit to making a healthy diet consistent. Daily HEALTHY breakfast, more vegetables, less cheese, wine (and other such "fun" beverages), and chocolate/ice cream, no more diet coke or coffee.
7. Hike Biseulsan, Jirisan, and Seoraksan (the last two need training).
8. Travel to at least two new countries.
9. Finish two of my currently unfinished writing projects and blog consistently.
10. (Yes I'm going there...) Lose 10 kgs (22lbs).

I will post on these goals as I achieve them. I have some time in January and February to work towards them (as I only have to work 15 days during these two months--yay vacation!).

Go me!