Reflections on my first Writing Retreat

This past weekend, I went on my first Writing Retreat to Davis, WV. It's a bit tricky to leave all my responsibilities for a few days, but it seemed like the perfect way to kick-start my sabbatical. The retreat was organized by the (former--she recently took a new job) program coordinator of my doctoral program. Most of the other people who came with us were in my cohort/year, but there were a couple from the year before/after. We went to Davis, WV--one of my favorite places in the world (I used to vacation there as a child). And one of the most beautiful.

The view from the deck of our mountain cabin.

The organizer planned out the very delicious and tasty meals (accommodating both vegetarians and keto diets), set up the quiet hour rules each full day of the retreat, and coordinated all the travel details. We all socialized in the mornings and evenings. I drove out with a member of my writing group, so we were able to chat about our research and our writing goals for the weekend on the drive. I had an (ambitious) goal to finish the draft of my dissertation proposal to the point that I could turn it in to my chair on Monday. I spent Saturday revising Chapter Two (the literature review), incorporating articles or deciding they were not relevant to my argument, and thinking through the details of my study design.

Sunday morning hike in Blackwater Falls State Park

Sunday, after an early morning hike (thanks to daylight savings time!), I dug into finishing the details of Chapter Three (research design and methodology). I must admit that I love writing about the research design as much as I detest completing the literature review, so the experience on Sunday was much more enjoyable! I even took a nice long nap in the middle of quiet hours, having exhausted myself on the hike.

Pase Point--such a beautiful view!

I managed to finish enough that I felt I could turn my draft into my advisor. In the evening, we played a very fun and silly game of "Heads Up" with someone's mobile phone and just enjoyed talking about everything. Overall, it was a great experience. I deepened some existing relationships and made some new friends. I wrote and ate and slept and enjoyed nature. I cannot wait to do another retreat in the Spring!

Blackwater Falls--see the rainbow?

 Once I got back home Monday morning, I did a final read on my proposal draft and sent it to my chair. It felt great!

2022: Year in Review

I'm not really feeling ready to set big goals for this upcoming year, but I do feel like I want to pause and take stock of this past year. In many ways, this year felt stressful and rushed. However, it was also a year of blossoming children, substantial professional growth, deepening friendships, and caregiving for two adults. And while I may not have done all the things I hoped to do for myself, I feel that the life I'm living is pretty great.

Blossoming Children

I am in awe of my two kids, now 7 and 11. They have both become readers with confidence and passions--sharing books is a great joy (we all really loved discovering the Wings of Fire series by Tui Sutherland this year). For taekwondo, the oldest earned his black belt and the youngest her intermediate level purple belt in 2022. Their Destination Imagination team won first place in the Maryland state tournament, and I traveled (after a wild month of fundraising and travel planning to do so) with them to Global Finals in Kansas City--which was a really amazing, healing experience for my kids--whose school lives had been dominated by the Covid pandemic in the prior two years.

Celebrating their journey and learning with other Maryland DI Teams!

They also participated in summer swim team for the first time, and loved it. Each is growing into an interesting and unique young person. I enjoy spending time with both of them, especially with playing card and board games or going on nature walks. Raising children is not an easy task--it is relentless, unforgiving, and (often) unpleasant--especially during challenging phases, illnesses, or tough times. But I'm very lucky my kids are doing well overall.

Professional Growth

During 2022, I completed 21 of my 60 doctoral degree credits (gearing up to study for comprehensive exams in January and then moving into ABD territory during 2023). Even more amazing was how much I've grown as a leader, researcher, and educator along this journey. I have also developed some close relationships with the other students in my classes and cohort (our five-person writing group made time to meet up during break at the National Harbor & it was delightful to see people in person!). Going back to school to get my doctorate at age 40 was a wild decision, but I'm glad I'm on this journey.

My programs have seen massive growth and equity-focused expansion. I've also had the joy to work with some amazing students, teachers, counselors, leaders, and higher ed personnel who are committed to improving student experience of the high school to college transition. Finally, the education law in Maryland is going through a lot of changes and my involvement with state-level coordination and implementation of the change has been exhausting, but rewarding. I continue to be excited by my career and feel blessed to have the opportunity to work for children in this way.

Touring the (gorgeous!) University of Minnesota's engineering library while in St. Paul.

I also was fortunate to attend two conferences this year (one in Frederick and one in Minnesota) and met several national leaders in my field, as well as connecting with them in new ways through my doctoral work.

This year has seen a great deal of transition with the leadership above me, often creating anxiety and unanticipated challenges. We seem to have settled in a good place as this year draws to a close, but there were many times in 2022 where the action (or inaction) of a new, ineffective, or malicious senior leader threatened to impact the opportunities afforded students, and I felt extremely frustrated with myself for being unable to navigate all of it well. This has been a very, very challenging year for educators--and students--at every level (a sort-of normal year, but with all the traumas of a pandemic still lingering). I'm not at all surprised to see people leaving the field entirely.

I hope 2023 proves to be a better year for everyone in schools.

Deepening Friendships

I have friendships with several women who live locally that I feel have become chosen family. Our family networks are deeply intertwined--for the most part, the kids and adults all get along well with each other. We spend lots of time together--hanging out at each others' houses or going on adventures/outings together--without some of the pressure that can come with adult friendships. I am extremely grateful to have them in my life. (Note: One member of this group has moved away, but we still connect frequently thanks to chat and other distance communications. She's had a year of big transitions, and it's hard not to be able to surround her in the love, community, and support she deserves. But she is a survivor!)

Just one example, some of our kids, at the county fair, with friendship bracelets.

I was also able to visit a friend I had not seen in many years (who I met through this very blog--NOT KIDDING!!!--while we both lived in Korea) while I was traveling for a conference to Minnesota. This trip was very life-affirming and healing--especially connecting me back with my writing self (hopefully for us both). Recognizing how think I need to commit to in-person connections again with these long-time friends who still chat/text/phone/email, but haven't really been able to see for a few years. I felt this when I attended a high school program reunion this summer, too, and spent some time catching up with friends.

I'm also feeling more connected this year to communities than I have in a long time. Whether through volunteering at our kids' school, commiserating about graduate school coursework, collaborating on something professionally, discussing issues in social media, or dancing together in social dances or fitness classes, I feel rich again with a casual/acquaintance-level social network. I think this is the layer of relationships that suffered the most from Covid restrictions.

Caregiving

My mother had a stroke in August 2020, and while she lives independently in a condo a block away from our house, her recovery to independence is incomplete. It's been a bit of a rough year as we attempted to navigate her getting back to driving, but have not been able to do so yet. This journey was further complicated by the financial emergencies of my two adult siblings who my mother still feels the need to support. I'm not going to get into family dynamics here, but caregiving for a parent while being estranged from a sibling because he has past financial abuse of that parent while the parent continues to enable the abuse is... something. I continue to have to do really good boundary work and values clarity. I am grateful for the opportunity to have this relationship with my mother and help her live well, but it is NOT easy to balance it all.

Meanwhile, in early April, Mingi had surgery on his right foot to resolve several issues from a soccer injury two years ago. The recovery and the subsequent physical and emotional ups and downs from this have also triggered migraines and injured the left foot from overuse. He's not as reliant on others as my mother is, but our whole family has been impacted by his ongoing health challenges and recovery. Our network of friends and acquaintances has been invaluable through this recovery period, but it has been a struggle. We are definitely looking forward to a year where we can all do more together (hiking, traveling, silly fun), and Mingi feels more like himself.

Visiting the Inner Harbor in Baltimore this week felt a bit like maybe we are back to more normal ways of being for our family.

Overall, I'm proud of what I've been able to accomplish this year and grateful for the support in overcoming challenges we've faced. Having a stable financial situation and supportive network has made a major difference; at another time in my life, the challenges of 2022 would have broken me. Instead, I feel content that I was able to give the people I love so much care, love, and support. However, I have gained another 10 lbs in the last year (on top of the 20 I had put on in the prior years), and really need to put more focus into my own health so I'm able to continue to support others and do the things I want to do.

As such, I'm setting an intention this year of ensuring that I'm giving at least equal care and support to my own health and development that I give to my family.

How was your 2022? What are your New Year's intentions? Please share!

Colonialism, Education, and Hope: Reflections on MLK Day 2022

"We in the West must bear in mind that the poor countries are poor primarily because we have exploited them through political or economic colonialism." --Martin Luther King, Jr.

In my doctoral program, we're learning about the different theoretical lenses that researchers use in educational research. One of the reasons to consider theoretical lenses is to understand that what we believe about the creation of knowledge impacts what kinds of knowledge we can explore as researchers. Since my program is committed to social justice and equity, we include critical theories in our study--including Critical Race Theory, Intersectionality, and Queer Studies. While these concepts have taken some heat from the right, they are really interesting to study. One of the concepts that I've encountered in my studies is the extent to which the lens of settler colonialism permeates the thinking, research, and structures of education.

Although I had a vague understanding of colonialism from my studies of history in school, my understanding was always that the bad parts of colonialism was something that happened a long time ago or in far away lands. Sure, it was reawakened by the Monroe doctrine and then rhetorically evoked in science fiction I loved as a child (THE FINAL FRONTIER!), but weren't some concepts of exploration and discovery the very foundations of science--exploring the unknown?

But settler colonialism asks: "Unknown to whom?" "Explore for what?" "Who benefits from this interaction?" So many of my questions for educational research are simple questions students already know the answers to, but the academy has not included their perspectives in "empirical studies," and so the knowledge they possess about education is not acknowledged. But if every student knows and understands that the system of testing we have right now is torture, then it's fairly presumptuous of us to have to "prove" the harms.

In the last year, between my graduate studies and increased reading of Native American writers (including Angeline Boulley, Tommy Orange, and--my new favorite--Louise Erdrich), I'm starting to see that the harms of colonialism are ongoing and continuous. That many of the ideals I value in American culture--self-reliance, individualism, creative use of resources, thirst for knowledge--are predicated on the fact that my European ancestors saw the world as theirs for the taking and exploring (and exploiting). That my husband's country was shaped first by the forcible colonization of Korea by Japan and then the de-facto Cold War colonization of the American army. That the "adventure" I loved about traveling to different countries and experiencing other cultures came at a cost to the people and lands I visited.

The trouble of course is, I'm not entirely sure what to do with this knowledge. I love to travel, but the more I learn about the carbon footprint of commercial flights, the more unethical it feels. I want to visit Hawaii and Puerto Rico, but the problematic ways twentieth century U.S. annexed these lands without the support of the indigenous populations, in part because they represent a kind of fantastical, exotic travel for Americans, gives me pause. I can't even think about my own time in Korea as an English teacher without understanding the complex ways that was another kind of colonization project, albeit ones Koreans themselves submit to in order to gain global power.

More troubling perhaps still is the colonial project of public education that continues in 2022. Again, Covid has us asking: "What are schools--warehouses for children so their parents can be participants in the economy or places of academic instruction or social welfare programs for reducing inequity?" (HINT: They are all of these things, none of these, and more.) "Who benefits from schools closing? From staying "open"?" And so on. Some of these questions are public health questions, sure, but they have revealed to me a troubling narrative I believe that public education is capable of (and should) "save" children by helping them navigate the norms of our society successfully. And what is that but a demand for assimilation by another name?

I'm thinking about this today, on a great day for reflecting about injustice, because the first writer who helped me understand the deep connections between all kinds of injustice and harms in this world was Dr. King.  His ability to see how the evils of capitalism, racism, and militarism were interconnected to exploit and suppress others allowed me to understand that there is no single injustice more important than others. What I am most inspired by is his ability to not only see the evils in the world, but to continue to believe it could get better. Sometimes, I really wonder if it can.

I don't have any answers here. I try to do what I can, where I can, but times like these, it can seem overwhelming and that there are no good choices. So instead, I will lean into Dr. King's hope and advice for persistence:

"For all of us today, the battle is in our hands. The road ahead is not altogether a smooth one. There are no broad highways to lead us easily and inevitably to quick solutions. We must keep going." --MLK

Random Reflections as 2021 Closes

We have come to the last day of a very stressful year--which, coincidentally was the first year of my 40s and another year of very strange world events--from an ongoing pandemic to political shenanigans to climate crises to the dehumanization from the patriarchy, white supremacy, global capitalism, and other injustice. There is much from this year that leaves me sad, anxious, and helpless. I try to focus on the positives--vaccines and books, for example. But I will admit that 2021 on a broad scale leaves even silver-lining optimist Diana feeling a bit stretched to come up with much to say about the positive.

Super grateful for my wonderful family.

On a personal scale, I can find a lot more victories and joys. Here are a few:

Financial: Thanks to the largesse of the US government stimulus money, I finally paid off all my credit card debt. In a further debt victory, the rules for Public Service Loan Forgiveness were changed such that it looks like I will be eligible for full forgiveness of my undergraduate and master's degree loans in full. This has enabled us to increase our charitable giving & direct aid to family/friends, contribute more to retirement funds, and spend without worrying on the things we value. Life without crushing debt really changes your outlook. I also found Die With Zero and I Will Teach You to be Rich to be helpful books for this new stage of my financial journey.

Relationships: It was my first full year thinking of myself as a "caregiver" to my mother whose stroke in August 2020 has left her more dependent on others for help. I am proud and grateful at the amount of care I've been able to provide for her. This shift in our relationship has enabled me to reflect on what is most important and let go of more small slights. I feel solidly like a middle age adult, and I think this identity has a lot to do with it. I have rekindled a friendship with my sister who has helped with the caregiving and let go of the relationship with my brother that has always been toxic and strained.

Bringing Mom on vacation to the beach was a major 2021 highlight!

I also deepened my friendships with the women in my book club and their families (all of whom are mixed race, with one Asian, one white parent, such that our children all look more like each other than we do). These friends have become my go-to people. I am so grateful for this group we have built where I feel accepted and built a close community for my biracial children. have also become closer to a few work colleagues, parents of my kids' friends, dance friends, and neighbors this year.

Although I let my blog Free, Fun, Family lapse and haven't been writing as much, I feel connected to several online communities through Twitter, which is now my only social media besides Goodreads. I do hope to reconnect at in-person events with them in the future.

Professional: I am now through two full semesters of work on my Ed.D. program in Educational Leadership--and I love it! It's got me thinking and trying things in different ways that have already resulted in some pretty awesome collaborations and projects at work. It's also been a great outlet for managing, processing, and reflecting on the trauma of these last few years. I find myself re-inspired for educational work in a time of incredible challenge and difficulty in this profession. Although it can be very stressful at times, I'm so glad I decided to pursue this program at this time. I am also becoming close with a number of people in my cohort.

Bringing dually enrolled English Learner students on a tour of campus--many are first gen!!!

Reading: Thanks in part to my daughter's embrace of The Magic Treehouse series towards the end of they year, I made it to my goal of over 100 books in 2021 (as of right now, I'm at 111 and will probably finish at least one more book today). One of my goals was to increase my usual rate of 20-25% books by writers of color, and 43 of those books (38%) were by BIPOC authors. In reviewing my read shelf, I see that most of my books for grad school and my kids' read-alouds were not very diverse. I can't do much about the required reading for grad school (except continuing to advocate for different authors & choosing diverse authors when given a choice), but I think I need to be more intentional about getting my kids books by writers of color. Especially now that they are both independent readers.

So overall, a year of growth and development. Much to celebrate!

Of course, what I am most grateful for and proud of is the growth and closeness of my family. This year's struggles have resulted in a closeness and joy. I can't wait to see what 2022 brings for us!

Harper's Ferry visit with my Uncle Tom!

I've been less pleased with my year in terms of health (I gained weight with how stressful this year has been), minimalism/anti-consumerism, and writing (other than school, I didn't do much this fall). As such, these are the three areas I am focusing on for 2022 "goals."

Goals for 2022:

1. Lose the 20lbs I gained in a healthy way (whole foods, less dining out, more movement, smaller eating window/semi-IF). I'm not really all about the weight anymore & care way more about health, but I know that this weight impacts my diabetes control and makes dancing & hiking a bit harder.

2. Avoid Amazon (which we *still* use far too often), minimize Walmart, more food that's local, & declutter--for realsies.

3. Publish once a week in this blog. Sometimes it's gonna be short, sometimes long. But I have to build my writing muscle again, and I enjoy blogging here. It feels low stakes. Please hold me accountable.

Thank you for reading my thoughts, as always. I hope you are well as the year closes. Do you have any reflections or goals for this year? I'd love to hear them.

What a wild summer it has been...

I finished my big debt goal and started my doctorate and BAM--stopped blogging. Whoops!

I earned As in both summer courses and had many enjoyable family (and friend!) mini-adventures this summer, but preparing for the opening of this school year has been rather time-consuming. Now that our district is back in session, I hope to get back on this blogging wagon, if for no other reason than I enjoy writing a log of my life, even if only three people read it (hi, friends!).

Now in fourth and first grades--time has really sped up!

We're still living in the pandemic, of course. Covid-19 cases locally dipped really low this summer, but now with the Delta variant, are shooting back up. It's really challenging to pull back after enjoying the almost carefree summer, especially with school opening fully. We're just trying to mask and limit most travel/dining out, but are choosing to continue outdoor socializing with other families where all 12+ persons are vaccinated. I remain mostly concerned about our unvaccinated children, but remain hopeful that the natural partial immunity children seem to have, combined with mandatory mask mandates at school, will keep them mostly ok. Who really knows? It's exhausting to continue to be so on edge for so long. Finally, I now qualify for a third round of vaccine, due to my immune suppressed self. Hopefully that will keep me protected from the worst side effects of the virus if I do catch it.

Summer camping trip with good friends--so grateful for the pause on C-19

My mother is mostly recovered from her stroke, over one year prior. She is still in occupational therapy and has a vision therapy appointment this week to see if she might be ready to be assessed for driving again! I would love for her to be able to regain some of her prior independence. She is already back in watercolor classes at the local community college and even went out to lunch with friends without my assistance! Such progress is wonderful.

Enjoying the Fireman's Carnival with my best kiddos!

Financially, we're kind of at a good place of allowing a bit of purposeful luxury spending, now that the debt is paid off. We've automated a higher contribution to the IRAs and emergency fund, but mostly are doing well because of YNAB (or, You Need A Budget--that's a referral link!). They redesigned and are even more fun to use, so I highly recommend it as an all-in-one, goal-smashing budget app.

Ready to move into the end of official summer and see what fall brings. Two more grad classes, of course, but also perhaps getting back to a schedule of regular exercise and such.

Family Fun Tip: Festivals

Originally Posted on May 4, 2018 in Free, Fun, Family

Spring has finally sprung here in Maryland.  In our delightful small city, family-friendly festivals are held year-round.  However the pleasant-weather months of Spring, Summer, and Fall are the heaviest seasons for festivals, since they are usually outdoors.

Every year, our family attends between five and twenty-five festivals or similar events within close driving distance.  We’ve been to farm festivals, history festivals, nature festivals, children’s festivals, Asian/Korean/other culture festivals, holiday-themed festivals (think Fourth of July or Halloween), wine/cheese/maple syrup festivals, and more.  We spend time researching different events in our area and challenge ourselves to find new ones, even as we reprise visiting our favorites.

Such events can be quite expensive, with many opportunities to spend money on food, clothing/gift items, and activities, so it pays to do some work to keep costs down and maximize the fun without a lot of spending.  Here are my tips for maximizing your frugal enjoyment of these festivals:

1. Look for festivals with no or very low entry fees, and watch for hidden fees.  And watch out for “free” entry, but then everything associated with the event costs money (parking fees, tickets to purchase for activities, extra money for tastings, etc.).  Most of the festivals we frequent are free with free parking, but we’ll pay a bit if it offers a lot of entertainment value for our whole family.  I find that festivals sponsored by nonprofit entities (health agencies, parks and rec, churches, libraries, etc.) tend to be better about this than private organizations, but not always.  One of my favorite festivals for our young children is the spring/fall festival at a local commercial dairy farm (where the goat picture came from).  They are very generous with their samples, full of fun activities and performers, and free hayrides up a mountain.
2. Pack most of your food, but splurge on the “special treat.”  Most festivals have food vendors selling very overpriced, mediocre meals.  It’s easy to spend $20 (or more) for a family of four on crappy sandwiches and/or room temperature pizza.  We usually pack a decent picnic lunch, water bottles, and snacks, but plan to spend a little on something unique to the festival–like purchasing some maple candies at the maple syrup festival or ice cream from the aforementioned dairy farm.  That said, we still limit our portions and share (two single servings are usually more than enough for the four of us).
3. Beware impulse purchases.  You are having a great time.  The weather’s lovely!  Your children are happy and cooperative!  These nice artists are here talking about the local sources for their supplies–and suddenly $50 for a pair of earrings for Mom’s Christmas gift doesn’t sound unreasonable at all…  STOP!  Most vendors will have contact information and an online store.  You can still support them if you enjoyed their art and their story, but there is no need to make that decision RIGHT THERE.
4. Look for discounts. One of our favorite carnivals is the local firehouse carnival.  There are two or three nights they offer “Ride All Night” for one price specials.  But even better–if you buy these tickets a month or so in advance, they cost less than half what they do if you buy them at the door.  Some of the sponsors of festivals have deals through their websites or even through services like Groupon.  It doesn’t hurt to look around.
5. Beware crowds. Try to find less popular festivals.  Or go when the weather is less optimal (cold, windy days and light drizzle are still fine if you have proper outerwear and an enterprising attitude).  Or arrive really early.  Crowds usually mean long lines and whiny kids–NOT FUN.

Get out and learn about your community without much cost!  What was your favorite family festival experience?

My sad, neglected blog and a breakdown/through

Baby's first sailing trip.

I have been neglecting you again, my blog and my readers.  Some of this is from being busy (isn't it always?) but I'm just now realizing that much of it has been an unwillingness (or if I'm feeling kinder towards myself, an inability due to other pressures) to be insightful enough to admit something to myself I don't really want to deal with.  But I'm there, so I might as well share it with you:  I am in the middle of another episode of depression.  At least I get to call it postpartum and feel the support of other moms, right?

I went back to work a bit over a month ago.  Being a working mom is a transition as dramatic as having a newborn, but I don't think I was as prepared for this one.  I'm adjusting to the new routine (as is Min Gi, now a full time dad, and the baby, who is as awesome, healthy, and cute as always), but it's taking some time.

Min Gi with Jeongmin on a walk in the park.

I've had health problems since going back from the stress/lack of time, but I'm recovering from them now.  I have nothing even remotely like "free time" anymore and just about anything I do have goes to time with the baby or time with the baby and the husband. I haven't been reading much--blogs, books, or otherwise--and have inadvertently given up television. I don't even usually get online when I'm not at work these days.  I don't take care of myself like I know I need to to avoid depression.  That needs to change.

We went through a period where Jeongmin went on a once or twice a day nursing strike because he was suddenly taking so many more feedings from the bottle.  That was rough and terrifying.  During that time, I began to feel personally rejected by him.  This feeling has grown and gotten worse.  I now feel like the baby hates me and that I can't do anything right as a mom.  I get really anxious when he starts to cry or when I'm left alone with him for too long, and I start snapping at Min Gi and it just gets worse from there.

This little guy loves his Daddy so much!

I finally realized that I'm dealing with the PPD beast on Friday when I screamed like a mad woman at my husband for doing a load of laundry and not putting my jeans in it and then crying so pathetically and hysterically for two hours that he (and the baby) thought I was laughing at first.
Typing all that makes it sound a lot worse than it is.  I really love Jeongmin.  His smile makes my whole world stop for a moment.  My relationship with Min Gi is in most ways stronger than it has ever been.  I'm happy a lot of the time.  But all of this is what made me keep dismissing these growing, nagging feelings as unimportant.  I really should know better than to do that by now.

With the baby in my favorite carrier.

So... I have an appointment with a counselor.  I am not even considering medication at this time, since my self-care could be a lot better and the only depression meds approved for breastfeeding are ones I have had a horrible reaction to in the past.  I will not give up breastfeeding because in my worst, darkest moments where I think the baby would be better with just about any other mom than me, I can at least tell myself that breastfeeding is going well.

And that's where I am.  And where I've been.

I'll let y'all know how it goes.

Baby J turned two months old...

Starting to develop some serious head control.

Having a child feels like you're counting time like a teenager does in relationships.  You celebrate weekly and monthly "anniversaries" (but I still refuse to call them that!) or "birthdays."  Jeongmin turned two months a couple days ago.  Here are some pictures of what he's been up to the past few weeks:

Baby giggles:  Awesome.

Hanging out with Nora, the daughter of my friends Amy and Andrew, just two weeks younger than Jeongmin.  He looks very smug here--he's quite the ladies' man already.

Daddy's belly is super comfortable.

He charms all the ladies.  Here he is with Min Gi's manager's daughter, Jisu.  He's already charmed her.

I love this picture.  It's captured the personality I see all day.

Min Gi has left his job to begin his new adventure as a full-time dad, and I have just one week of maternity leave left.  It will be hard to be apart from the little guy (very hard), but in some ways I look forward to returning to my job.

For more cuteness:

Baby: Weeks 7 -9

Random Insomniac Update

My Little Monkey Butt

Baby J now has me so conditioned to middle-of-the-night feedings that when he throws off his routine by sleeping right through one, it causes me to stay up until the next one.  At least I can catch up on blogging!  (And of course, my punishment for being awake from 12:30-2 am was that when he finally did wake for a feeding he would NOT go back to sleep until 4.  Ugh!  No more caffeine for me!)

This week has been a little odd.  Some things that have happened:

Milk Drunk

1)  I'm down to 212 lbs (3 more lost), so all is going relatively well on the health front (except this nasty back pain that just won't go away and of course I can't get enough proper rest to allow to heal).  I have my six week postpartum checkup tomorrow (later today, I guess), so we'll see if that goes well, too.

2)  I'm becoming more social with the baby.  We've been out to restaurants a couple times, on long walks many times, and to a new mommies group I was recently introduced to by a friend.  I also went out on New Year's Eve, leaving the baby with his grandparents and way too much expressed milk (you know... in case I was kidnapped and held for ransom in Mexico or something.  I was paranoid!) and called only once an hour to check on him.  It's nice to feel less stuck on the couch.

Baby J and Min Gi with my high school friend, Jonathan and his lovely wife at our first restaurant outing.

3)  The baby has grown a lot.  He's really long (outgrew newborn sizes and even 3 month onesies are getting a little short on him) and his head is enormous.  He's still pretty skinny baby-wise, but when I went to the new moms group, he was more like the size of boys a full 4-5 weeks older than him and girls 2 months older than him.  The other 6 week olds looked so tiny by comparison.  He's also started "talking" to us, which is super fun:






5)  Min Gi has notified his job he is quitting at the end of this month to become a full time dad (and work on his business ideas), and I have told my boss I will be returning full time to work February 11.  Jeongmin will be 10 weeks old.  I actually kind of look forward to being a working mom.  It will be hard to be away from him, but I know he and his dad will have a great time bonding with each other.  Luckily, I've had no issues with pumping, so I should be able to continue to exclusively breastfeed.

Always excited in the mornings.

6.  My father is in the hospital again--probably for two weeks.  I don't think it's too serious, but it's still soon to see where it goes.  He needs another surgery and has a small foot infection.  I'm really sad because he's missing out on bonding time with Jeongmin. 

7.  American healthcare sucks.  We're in limbo with the baby's insurance because we wanted to put him on Min Gi's insurance, but it turns out the agent who applied for us told the insurance company that nobody in the household was pregnant, even though I specifically asked her about that when we applied for his insurance, so now the matter is "under investigation" and not only does Jeongmin not currently have insurance, but Min Gi may lose his coverage because of this.  With us going down to one salary, we're eligible for state care for the baby, but I can't even apply for that until I know what's going on with his application to the other agency.  It's a giant mess.  I will be calling around some public clinics next week to try to keep at least his vaccinations up, but the whole thing makes me want to punch people in the face.  (And in case you were wondering, it's not really feasible to add him to my company's plan--it would be $500/month just for him).  I really hope he stays healthy, especially over the next few weeks as this gets sorted out.

8)  My younger brother turned 29 yesterday.

9)  Another friend had her second baby this weekend (at the same hospital where my dad is now... funny).  Can't wait to meet her.

My boys.

That is all for now.  I should really try to sleep if I can.  If you'd like, there are more cute baby pictures in the full album:

Baby: Weeks 4-6

Merry Christmas, 2011; And, ambivalence.

Jeongmin smiled at me for the first time (real smile, not just gas or contentment) on X-mas eve.  I captured it on camera Christmas morning.

This year for Christmas, we had an especially lovely family celebration. My dad's brother, Rob, and his wife and son joined us for the festivities. Plus, of course, I suppose Jeongmin's first Christmas is a big deal (even if he won't remember it, being only three weeks old).  I'm not a sentimental "Oh my god--it's baby's First Christmas!!!" type, but Min Gi is and so is my mother, so I'm glad it was pretty special.  And maybe my son will turn out to be the holiday lover in the family, so it's good I got some pictures of him with the whole tree/present thing.

 Baby J's big gift from Santa--a new jungle playmat.  He loves the mirror and he's starting to be more aware of his environment, so it's the perfect time for him to start playing like this.  Yes, that is a "My First Christmas" baby outfit... a present from a friend who couldn't use it for her baby last year.

At the risk of alienating people and becoming a grossly unpopular Scrooge-like figure, I have to admit that I have a love-hate relationship with Christmas.  Partly, it's that I'm not Christian, so a lot of the religious spirit of the holiday is not a part of my scripting, but we all know that Christmas is as much a cultural holiday in the U.S. as it is a religious one, and it's that part of the celebration that I find myself feeling such ambivalence about.

Giant Monkey attack--nearly eats the baby.

I love the family togetherness, the good feelings, the yummy cookies and other meals, the stories and folklore, the warm wishes from everyone, and even the decorations (especially the ones that come out year after year and have special meaning--Grandma's old ornaments, the ones my siblings and I made in daycare centers when we were little, the woven ones my parents brought back from their years in Ecuador). I missed all that while I was in Korea from 2007-2010 and being "home" for Christmas these last two years has been amazing.

There is only one present in this picture I need or want.

What I don't love is how something so nice can turn so blatantly commercial and become a pressure cooker for gift giving and receiving in which your obligations as both the giver and recipient are immense. I actually heard people I love saying things like "I spent $80 on them--she better wear them!" and wondering aloud if they had spent "enough" money even though the gift they had already picked out was lovely, thoughtful, and appropriate.

I don't get it.  I love giving presents (and who doesn't love getting some thoughtful gifts?), but I often do so throughout the year, as things occur to me.  I don't get the whole holiday=stuff thing and kind of never have.  My first Christmas where I could talk, my parents got me a really nice Fisher Price house and a bunch of other stuff.  I opened the one toy and played with it for like an hour or so.  Mom then asked me to open my other gifts, and I said "No, this is enough for today."  (Of course my parents, who had worked hard in shopping for and arranging gifts for me made me open the rest of them, but this has become family legend.)  My first Christmas where I purchased my own gifts with my own money (in high school), I made donations in each of my family's names to a charity that suited their own personal interests (like the WWF for my sister and a comic book free speech group for my brother).  I usually try to make presents if I can.

But this year, I didn't have time (or in all honesty, the free cash) to shop this year and the cookies I had planned to bake didn't happen because Jeongmin got sick with a minor cold in the days leading up to the holiday, so I did not get presents for people this year. I feel bad about it.  I feel overwhelmed by my too-generous relatives.  I wonder if somehow my dislike of commercialism and failure to wrap something up and put it under the tree disappointed them (even though I got everyone presents when I went on vacation this summer and other events of that nature).

I may be the only person in the whole of America who didn't find the stories of people anonymously paying off Walmart and K-mart layaways heartwarming. Maybe it's because I work all year for an organization that has to tell people (often good, hardworking people) that the rent money relief they so desperately need in order to not become homeless is currently out of funds, but I don't find "donations" so that kids whose parents can't really afford it can have a bunch of cheap, plastic junk to be very charitable. I'd rather make sure we have the cash so they don't become homeless. Or so we can fund a program to help them find a job when they're out of work or quality, affordable daycare so they can keep their jobs.

I don't mean to sound ungrateful.  My mother is the opposite of me and always expresses her love through giving and loves nothing better than holidays.  She decorates up a storm and is wonderful at picking out Christmas gifts that make everyone feel special and loved.  It overwhelms me, but I truly appreciate her generosity.  I just think spending time with people is more important than getting them stuff.  Even when it's stuff they want.  And that what you do throughout the year is a bigger deal than one specific day.

Will I feel differently about making him happy through purchases and toy gifts when he is older?  I don't know.  For now, I just love him and want to spend time with him (and the rest of my family).  That's all I really care about.

Christmas 2011

Mommy Brain, cloth diapers... and, of course, pictures!

Jeongmin's "windmill" arms--working it!

My brain is slowly adjusting to mommy life and the inevitable "Mommy Brain" that results from the sleeping in spurts, the never fully stopping with the baby care (even when I'm sleeping or when putting him down for a moment), the obsessing and mooning over my new little man like some love-struck preteen.  I'm starting to feel more relaxed and comfortable with caring for Jeongmin.  It helps that babies get a little easier each week.  He's sleeping longer and having more regular patterns.  He's also started getting more fun and alert at playtime.

Sporting the cloth diapers, and waving hello to his fans.

This week, I finally completed my cloth diapering stash to my satisfaction.  Gwen, my old boss from Oedae and good friend, shipped me her nearly-two-year-old son's old BumGenius one size pocket diapers and inserts, so now I have a total of 11 of that style (Gwen's are version 3.0 and I have 3 version 4.0--honestly, I don't really see much of a difference at this point).  I also have 11 Softbum Omni shells (obtained from diaperswappers.com) and many inserts that work with them (bumgenius OS terrycloth inserts have a snap that work well with the Omni shells, some infant pre-folds, and softbums staydry super pods), including some Kissaluvs size 0 fitted diapers.  Newborns need a lot more diapers than older ones, so hopefully when he outgrows the Kissaluvs, I won't need to replace them with more inserts.  I have 3 all-in-one BumGenius size small, too, but they don't seem to be absorbing much at this time (my only real leaks so far have come from these), so I'm trying to wash them a few more times before I give up.

Look at the worry lines as he strains to push up!

Cloth is a lot easier than people make it out to be, especially with all the new all-in-two designs and pocket styles.  If you buy used or clearance/discounted, they aren't even that much more expensive than a prefold/cover deal (the old-fashioned nappy pinning and plastic pants, but even that has been updated with plastic snaps and much trimmer covers).  I have enough where even with my frequently soaking 3 week old, I only have to do the diaper laundry every 3 or so days.  And they are easy enough to use that my parents have said they will try to use the cloth when they babysit, so score!

And now, more cute:

No, Daddy!  Don't eat my hand! 

Blue eyed Korean.

 For more overdose on cuteness, look at the full album:

Baby: Week Three

Baby J's first stroller adventure.

This morning, the umbilical stump fell off, so now he looks like a "normal" baby that you see in magazines and stuff.  Also, we went on baby's first adventure to tour the Christmas lights in the neighborhood.

He's stylin' in his little bumblebee hat knit by my good friend, Elinor.

Daddy's ready to go.  Baby may have his doubts...

I think I'm going to crash into something because he's just too cute not to stare at.

Daddy and the baby.

With the Christmas lights in the neighborhood.

J.P. Sung

Right now, my four day old son, J, is napping.  Thanks to my mother (super-grandma), I am caught up on enough rest to actually post some info here about what has been the most incredible event of my life.  Unfortunately, my brain is too addled to reflect properly on the events that have occurred and recount them faithfully and entertainingly for you here at this time.  I will try to do so soon.  For now, basic stats:

Born 12/2/2011 at 4:47am. I had a very short first labor, dilating from 4cm to ready to push in just 1.5 hours. The nurse and doctor actually made me wait another 45 min because they hadn't set anything up. Even with the epidural, it was a lot of pain to hold back. 20 min of pushing, and then he was out!

He weighed 7lbs, 10oz (3.465 kg), had an immediate Apgar score of 9. He has curly dark blond hair (surprising!) and deep blue eyes that are rapidly turning brown. First hints of a smile here.

One proud daddy!  Min Gi has been amazing.  He was totally supportive during labor and has turned into an expert diaperer overnight.  Plus, he remains super-organized with all our stuff and caring for the kitties and basic needs while I recover.  I love him all over again.

Ready to eat!  This is my favorite picture, since it's what I see every 2-3 hours when I'm feeding the little dude.  He's so much fun!

Baby's first mohawk. Post-bath.

Yes, I just delivered a baby. Of course I look like crap and need to stuff my face. This is the only one of me Min Gi took in the hospital that doesn't have a boob hanging out. Sorry.

Grandpa! So happy.

We're home now.  At my follow up appointment today, the baby is already gaining weight and is perfectly healthy and happy.  We had a small bumpy start to breast-feeding, but with the help of the lactation consultant at the hospital, that has been resolved and all is well.

Having a baby is totally exhausting, but it's also a LOT more fun than I thought.  I hope you enjoy the update!  I will try to keep up a bit here in between all the lovin'.