Attitude of Gratitude: My Dad

Originally Posted on June 5, 2018 to Free, Fun, Family

Today is the fourth anniversary of the death of my father.  It’s hard to write about it, because Dad and I were very close for most of my life.  The grief I have from this loss is still overwhelming at times.  He was a funny, brilliant, stubborn, laid-back man who worked hard at what he loved (engineering), for those he loved (his family), sharing his passion for what he loved (sailing–see the picture of him on the dock).

Dad helped begin my love affair with frugality and fostered my anti-consumerist tendencies, but also reminded me that it is ok to spend money on what really matters in life.  He supported all my adult career and personal decisions, loved Min and J deeply, and never failed to make the right joke at the right time.  I cannot adequately express the joy and love he brought (and continues to bring) into my life.  That he will never know H (and she will never know him) is one of the few real regrets in my life.

“Today is the first day of the rest of your life.” (Dad’s favorite Dad quote.)

Now that I am a parent, I appreciate the constant, steady presence Dad had throughout my childhood more than ever.  He loved my mom in a way that taught me what romantic love really should be.  He encouraged me to take chances and believe in myself.  I feel his absence every day, as do the other members of my family.  But lately, I’ve been in a place to just appreciate what time we were able to share.  Life is short; Dad’s impact is enduring.  I hope to provide my own children with as much acceptance, humor, and challenge as my Dad provided me.  Thanks, Dad.  Always.

Debt Elimination Progress: May 2018

Originally Posted on June 2, 2018 in Free, Fun, Family

Given that we’ve made significant progress in reducing our spending and increasing our debt repayment that are major, sustainable behavior changes, I felt comfortable pursing an option to reduce the interest we’re paying on our current credit cards: balance transfers.  I applied for one balance transfer card that had 0% interest for 15 months and no transfer fees.  They approved me for a bit over $3000.  Then I applied for another card at 0% for 18 months with a 3% balance transfer fee (this will take only 2.5 months to come out ahead of our interest rates).  They approved almost $10,000.  These two allowed me to eliminate my highest interest rate balance (the Visa) entirely and reduce my next-highest rate (the AmEx) by about $5,000.  I will save over $100 in interest every month, which can help pay off the principal much faster!  Because of the balance transfer fee, the amount we reduced our debt by this month was a bit less, BUT we should catch up quickly!

Progress from May:

• Continued to reduce food spending. I’ve started baking at home, making my own salsa and pizza, and went to Aldi (already in love with it–you will see a post when I’ve been a few more times).  I’m seeing the light at the end of the tunnel for this budget area and finally feeling less out of control in this area!
• Balance transfer cards. As described above, we are committed enough to really paying off our consumer debt once and for all to make this worthwhile for us.  I didn’t do it at the beginning because I know I’ve start “payoff” plans before and quit; balance transfers can be a big risk for debt repayment, but I feel quite good about our ability to pay off the balances before the introductory rates expire.
• Our debt payoff is slowing down, but we are still making progress every month.  I anticipate a modest raise in July, which will help, but our pace is slow and steady for May and June as we prepare for a lengthy trip to Korea to spend time with family.  We continue to focus on ways to reduce our spending.  Here are the numbers for the end of May (with new accounts considered):
  • Visa Card: $0 (transferred and finished)
  • Home Improvement Loan: $3,500
  • AmEx: $8,000 (transferred a lot)
  • Balance Transfer 1 (0% for 15 months): $3,038
  • Balance Transfer 2 (0% for 18 months): $9,589.30
  • TOTAL: $24,127.30
  • Amount paid off this month: $508.88
  • Amount paid off TOTAL: $6,828.70

Add the reduction of non-consumer debt and we’ve torched $8,546.41 of debt in four months.

Goals for June:

1. Cancel cable internet while in Korea
2. From June 20 (when the kids and Min leave for Korea): absolute minimum groceries until I leave.
3. Try spin classes when other exercise classes are cancelled as the Y rebuilds–keeps me focused on goals.

Learning to Blog Again

 Originally Posted on May 11, 2018 in Free, Fun, Family

Getting back in the saddle.

Confession time: Although this blog is a bit under two months old, I am not new to blogging.  I began journaling online in college, and experimented with several platforms, without much success.  For several years (2007-2011) I maintained a personal blog using the Blogger platform called Going Places when I moved to South Korea to teach, lived there for three years, met and married my husband, and moved back to the U.S.  This site gained modest popularity within the expat blogging community living in Korea, and I made several real life friendships through blogging.  I enjoyed it immensely, but since I was mostly blogging about life in Korea, I had trouble continuing to blog at the same site when I moved back to the United States.

I stopped renewing my domain two years ago; the site is still there, but only because I haven’t bothered to properly archive it. I’ve tried several times to pick up blogging again (writing at my old blog, writing about marriage, writing about parenting, etc. etc.), since writing is an essential piece of my happiness, but my efforts have usually fizzled out within a few weeks.  Life got busy, I was taking graduate coursework, raising two young kids, holding down two jobs, and managing some health conditions.  Life isn’t necessarily less busy right now, but I’m making more of a commitment to all aspects of my health in 2018: physical, financial, spiritual, and psychological.  Blogging (writing) is part of that journey.

I’ve actually been thinking about starting a blog about family fun/frugality for years, but was finally inspired to take the plunge after spending some time on Shannon’s Affording Motherhood blog.  I appreciated her optimism, honesty, and can-do attitude towards blogging and saving money.  It made me brave enough to try again.  I still want to be a writer (published–I know I am a writer) when I grow up!

So far, I’m enjoying my writing journey at Free, Fun, Family.  Min shared my post about my amazing sister-in-law with her, and she appreciated it.  Several friends and family members have said kind words about my reboot.  I’ve started, cautiously, to take it public: to let people in my life know I’m writing, commenting on blogs, linking on social media, etc.  If you’ve happened upon my quiet corner of the internet, thank you for taking the time to read my work.  Please feel free to drop me a note in the comments, and let me know what you think.

Family Fun Tip: Festivals

Originally Posted on May 4, 2018 in Free, Fun, Family

Spring has finally sprung here in Maryland.  In our delightful small city, family-friendly festivals are held year-round.  However the pleasant-weather months of Spring, Summer, and Fall are the heaviest seasons for festivals, since they are usually outdoors.

Every year, our family attends between five and twenty-five festivals or similar events within close driving distance.  We’ve been to farm festivals, history festivals, nature festivals, children’s festivals, Asian/Korean/other culture festivals, holiday-themed festivals (think Fourth of July or Halloween), wine/cheese/maple syrup festivals, and more.  We spend time researching different events in our area and challenge ourselves to find new ones, even as we reprise visiting our favorites.

Such events can be quite expensive, with many opportunities to spend money on food, clothing/gift items, and activities, so it pays to do some work to keep costs down and maximize the fun without a lot of spending.  Here are my tips for maximizing your frugal enjoyment of these festivals:

1. Look for festivals with no or very low entry fees, and watch for hidden fees.  And watch out for “free” entry, but then everything associated with the event costs money (parking fees, tickets to purchase for activities, extra money for tastings, etc.).  Most of the festivals we frequent are free with free parking, but we’ll pay a bit if it offers a lot of entertainment value for our whole family.  I find that festivals sponsored by nonprofit entities (health agencies, parks and rec, churches, libraries, etc.) tend to be better about this than private organizations, but not always.  One of my favorite festivals for our young children is the spring/fall festival at a local commercial dairy farm (where the goat picture came from).  They are very generous with their samples, full of fun activities and performers, and free hayrides up a mountain.
2. Pack most of your food, but splurge on the “special treat.”  Most festivals have food vendors selling very overpriced, mediocre meals.  It’s easy to spend $20 (or more) for a family of four on crappy sandwiches and/or room temperature pizza.  We usually pack a decent picnic lunch, water bottles, and snacks, but plan to spend a little on something unique to the festival–like purchasing some maple candies at the maple syrup festival or ice cream from the aforementioned dairy farm.  That said, we still limit our portions and share (two single servings are usually more than enough for the four of us).
3. Beware impulse purchases.  You are having a great time.  The weather’s lovely!  Your children are happy and cooperative!  These nice artists are here talking about the local sources for their supplies–and suddenly $50 for a pair of earrings for Mom’s Christmas gift doesn’t sound unreasonable at all…  STOP!  Most vendors will have contact information and an online store.  You can still support them if you enjoyed their art and their story, but there is no need to make that decision RIGHT THERE.
4. Look for discounts. One of our favorite carnivals is the local firehouse carnival.  There are two or three nights they offer “Ride All Night” for one price specials.  But even better–if you buy these tickets a month or so in advance, they cost less than half what they do if you buy them at the door.  Some of the sponsors of festivals have deals through their websites or even through services like Groupon.  It doesn’t hurt to look around.
5. Beware crowds. Try to find less popular festivals.  Or go when the weather is less optimal (cold, windy days and light drizzle are still fine if you have proper outerwear and an enterprising attitude).  Or arrive really early.  Crowds usually mean long lines and whiny kids–NOT FUN.

Get out and learn about your community without much cost!  What was your favorite family festival experience?

Debt Elimination Progress: May 2018

 Originally Posted on May 1, 2018 in Free, Fun, Family

What a strange month–the weather here in Maryland was out of control, and while I felt like my spending was “crazy,” I can look at Mint and see that it was the least money we’ve spent in a single month in over two years.  This teaches me that my day to day feelings do not always reflect the reality I am living.  I’m still working on the pacing of my expectations and emotions while managing a long term goal.  Overall, this month was a great month for personal learning.

Progress from April:

• Significantly reduced food spending. This was a major win!  All the work I’ve been doing to modify our food spending, both in groceries and dining out, is paying off.  Our grocery bill has been hovering around $1,000 for several months, even as our dining out has been decreasing.  This month we spent less than $800 on groceries!  Hooray!
• I did even more math. I added up how much I’ve reduced my student loan and mortgage debt during this same period of loan payback (since the end of January).  I’ve also reduced these other non-targeted debts by $1,333.82.  That’s an impressive bolstering.
• Our debt payoff is slowing down, but we are still making progress every month.  I anticipate a modest raise in July, which will help, but our pace is going to slow down a bit for May and June as we prepare for a lengthy trip to Korea to spend time with family.  However, that means more work we do on controlling the spending, the more powerful the impact on debt reduction.  Here are the numbers for the end of April:
  • Home Improvement Loan: $4,000
  • Visa Card: $7,160.37
  • AmEx: $13,475.81
  • TOTAL: $24,636.18
  • Amount paid off this month: $727.18
  • Amount paid off TOTAL: $6,319.82

Add the reduction of non-consumer debt and we’ve torched $7,653.64 of debt in three months.  Unbelievable.  We are really making progress.  Sometimes it still just feels like a drop in the bucket, but these numbers show a 20% reduction of consumer debt in just three months.  That’s not a small achievement.

Goals for May:

1. Continue to target food costs for reduction.  Use it up!  Cheaper vegetables!  Bake bread!  Freezer cooking!
2. Save up a small cash cushion for Min to for Korean trip in June (may slow debt progress this month; acknowledge and embrace).
3. REALLY REALLY: No purchasing beverages for convenience/craving (BIG challenge).  I have to do this.  Did better in April, but did not abstain.

Budget Buster: Feelings of Inadequacy

 Originally Posted on April 26, 2018 in Free Fun Family

I’ve been doing some work on the feelings behind my impulsive spending this month.  Instead of judging myself when I slip up on my plan, I’m noticing why I spent money on something I didn’t need to spend on, how much, and how I feel about it.  I have identified a major trigger for me: feeling inadequate.

For example, I mentioned that I got a promotion recently. While I’ve trained for it and feel good about the position and am enjoying my new responsibilities, a big part of me worries that I’m not up to the task.  I am working on this feeling since all evidence is that I’m doing well in my new position and my boss and co-workers are happy with my work, but I frequently question my abilities.

This week was a big meeting of a committee essential to the partnership two institutions I work with, and I was presenting some work I’d done.  I felt nervous.  So in the last week I’ve treated myself to more fast food than I had in the last two months–to the tune of around $60.  Despite having plenty of already-prepped, healthy, delicious meals.  I felt out of control and reckless.  However, with the meeting successfully completed, I am noticing in reflection that it was an exaggerated sense of nerves surrounding my performance at the meeting.

If I really dig in, though, this performance-anxiety spending is a major trigger for me.  I worry I’m not a good enough mom, so I buy something for the kids.  I worry I’m not a good enough wife, so I buy something expensive for my husband (or say yes to something not in our budget).  I bought a lot of “grown up” clothes and shoes after accepting this promotion that I really (in retrospect) didn’t need.

I need to find a way to sit with the feelings of inadequacy long enough for the urge to spend money to pass.  I have noticed that my fitness class progress has been building my confidence, so perhaps that can be a way to combat.  I will commit to doing something physical (a walk, a dance with kids, a fitness class or workout) before spending on myself.  I think that might help me stave off the urge long enough to reconnect with my values and confidence.  Certainly it will be healthier than not doing so, even if I still end up getting the latte or french fries.

Ways We Save Money: Washing the Dishes

Originally Posted on April 24, 2018 in Free, Fun, Family

Everyone hates washing dishes.  Especially other people’s dishes.  Marriages end over dirty dishes.  However, a sink full of dirty dishes can really torpedo your efforts to save money.  How?

It’s no secret that cooking at home saves money.  I enjoy cooking, and both Min and I have improved as cooks over the years.  However, coming home after a difficult day to a sink of dishes that need to be washed before dinner can be started was killing my meal planning efforts.  Part of it was my failure to eat an afternoon snack, leaving me ravenous at 4:30 p.m. when I got home.  But even when I solved that problem, doing dishes and then cooking when my children are starved for Mommy time after I’ve been away from them all day was killing my best laid plans.  I’d let all the wonderful vegetables I’d bought to make chili or soup rot in the fridge and heat up another frozen pizza instead.  There was a period we were so stressed about dirty dishes that I would just pick up fast food on the way home.

Keeping the sink relatively free of dirty dishes and the dishwasher cleared of already clean dishes makes cooking and meal planning easier and more fun.  I make more healthy food, use up more of the food I buy, and is more sanitary and environmentally friendly.  However, this was not an easy routine to master.

Failed “Solutions”

• Ignoring the problem. Obviously this is less a strategy than a desperate method of coping by me that sometimes resulted in purchasing more utensils or cookware… Stupid!
• Disposable products. Paper plates, plastic utensils, aluminum lining for baking trays, and water bottles bought in bulk did help prevent dining out and fast food runs when we were really awful.  However, cookware was still dirty and buried under a mound of things that needed to be rinsed (scraped because they’d been left to sit) and put in the dishwasher.  Which meant we “cooked” more convenience foods.
• Blaming the other person. You have all this time being home all day.  Just do it before you leave for work in the morning.  Wash any dishes you use right after you use them and load them in the washer.  Except don’t load them in the washer like that.  I thought you already ran the washer.  I couldn’t load the dishes because you never unloaded the washer.  And on and on…  We aren’t proud of this.

What did work?

I changed my attitude.

I have learned that the only person’s behavior you can really change is your own (though certainly you can influence the behavior of others, you cannot change them).  I changed my approach to dishes.   I decided to just step up and take responsibility for the dishes in the sink.  And running the dishwasher.  And putting the dishes away.  Whenever I had time.  No matter who created the mess.  Because this was my family and the dishes were my responsibility, even if that responsibility was shared.

People say marriage is 50-50.  That’s an error.  Successful marriage is 100-100, each person all-in, giving everything they have.

This mental adjustment began when H was six months old and Min broke his leg.  It shook me out of the petty you-did-this, I-did-that score keeping of housework.  It took a few weeks for the dish-washing habit to become routine and I’m not as vigilant as my mother who won’t go to bed with a dirty dish in the sink, but in the end, it took less time to clean even a full sink of dishes than I thought it did.  I even timed myself a few times to ensure myself it only takes a few minutes to clean up.

I’m not the only one in the house that does dishes (Min does more of the cooking during the day, so he does most of the cleaning then, too), but I still take the responsibility in my head seriously.  Letting go of my entitled attitude has changed how I view this chore and has made it possible for success with planning and cooking meals.  Which saves a lot of money!

Attitude of Gratitude: My Sister in Law

 Originally Posted on April 16, 2018 in Free Fun Family

Living as an international family has some significant challenges.  The biggest challenge is that you are physically separated from very important parts of your family.  This time last year, we visited Korea for Spring Break and will visit even longer this summer.  When we visit, we stay with family.

Min has one younger brother who lives in Korea.  The brother is married to a woman who is not only an awesome wife and teacher, but a woman I consider a friend.  In-Shil is very popular with our children because she has a great sense of humor.  She likes to develop her hobbies–drawing, yoga, Crossfit (yes, they have that in Korea), English, technology, etc.–and I’m always impressed by how wonderfully welcoming and inviting she is when we visit her in her home.  She is frugal and a fine cook, but still enjoys herself and loves kids.  I think you can see why we get along so well!

Her English is a bit better than my Korean, so we often have conversations where she will speak in elementary Korean and I will respond in elementary English and we understand each other very well.  Our husbands think this is weird, but we like it.

I often wish we lived in the same city (or even the same country), because I would love to be closer with her.  I am very grateful for her patience, love, and support with my brother-in-law and mother-in-law (who lives near them), and with my husband, who doesn’t always realize how awesome she is (he does, I just think he should think she’s EVEN MORE AWESOME, because she is).   Our Korean family has had some significant challenges recently, and she has been the rock through the worst of it (and continues to be).

Some people have challenging relationships with their in-laws, but our family is blessed with a SUPERSTAR jakkun ohmma (aunt).  I cannot wait to visit her this summer!

Accepting My Imperfect Self

Originally Posted on April 13, 2018 to Free, Fun, Family

I am not good about keeping my car clean, but I’m working on it consciously.  This morning, after I pulled into the parking garage at work, I decided to get rid of some trash I’d allowed to accumulate in my car and finally bring the second half of the Costco box of Keurig coffees I’d bought to use in the office inside so I can give the cardboard to J for his projects.  I gathered up some gross, discarded tissues from the cold I’ve been fighting all week and the empty water bottle, packed the Keurigs into my lunch bag, and took the trash to the trashcan.  When I went back to get my purse (and phone and work ID and wallet…) I had locked my keys in my car.

Don't want to pass along my own insecurities to my children!

This is not the first time I’ve done this.  However, in the past, when I’ve made such a stupid mistake, especially one I will have to enlist the help of others to correct, I’ve beaten myself up more (a lot more) than just the “Well, that’s annoying,” response I had this morning.  I would be embarrassed that my car was so trashy, I’d had to work at cleaning it before going to work, that I didn’t think to grab my keys or purse before shutting the door, and especially that I had also locked the spare keys in the car (they fell under the seat) because I’d already locked my keys in the car earlier this week and hadn’t bothered to return the spare keys to the place we keep them for this kind of Diana-mistake.  However, I know that it’s important to forgive myself.

I’m still a touch embarrassed (even typing this all out and posting it has me a bit flushed), but I took care of it (thank you, Grandma, for your compulsive AAA-getting for your children), and in the grand scheme of the world, it’s not a big deal.  It was even a beautiful day outside, and I squeezed in extra exercise running back and forth a few times between my office and the parking garage.  I practiced deep breathing and focused on the positive as I returned to work.

I’ve discovered a weird paradox about accomplishing goals and improving habits to improve my life: Self acceptance is critical to achieving self improvement goals.

With self-improvement, you are attempting to improve yourself because there is something about yourself you want to change.  However, I’ve learned the hard way that until you accept yourself as you are now, the cycle of beating yourself up will prevent any real change.

I did NOT beat myself up about being stupid for locking my keys in my car…  so then I did not justify buying myself an unhealthy lunch out to cope with my stress… so then I did not justify changing my afternoon plans to walk outside and write to join friends at happy hour because I’d had a stressful day… etc. etc.

I am still working on this.  Some days I backslide, but it doesn’t help to beat myself up about a poor spending (or eating) choice.  I take a deep breath, focus on the positive, accept my flaws, and work on making better choices in the future.

 

Family Fun Tip: Hiking!

 Originally Posted on April 10, 2018 in Free, Fun, Family

Last weekend, we took our first family hike of 2018.  It was later for us to do this than usual, but we’ve taken to doing more family walks around the neighborhood and city parks this year, so I don’t mind.  However, hiking is always one of our favorite forms of entertainment.

My first date with Min was a hike almost exactly 10 years ago (this May).  We climbed a mountain, talked about spiritual beliefs vs. religion, put our bare feet in a mountain stream, stopped to smell the flowers, ate and napped at a mountainside family restaurant, and fell in love (well maybe not on the first date…).  Hiking has been a routine part of our relationship ever since.  We both love the woods and climbing mountains.

When we became parents, we found it challenging to hike as often as we had before.  When the kids were very little, we could strap them in baby carriers and haul them with us, but there is a challenging time between 18 months and 3-4 years old where a kid is a bit large to carry everywhere (and can reasonably walk on their own), but cannot sustain lengthy hikes with much elevation.

Cunningham Falls is one of our favorite local hikes.

Eventually, we found which trails were well-suited to younger hikers (terrain with minimal elevation changes in the 0.75-2.5 mile range), and built up a list of reliable trails in our area.  Most national, state, and local parks have excellent resources online and in the nature/visitor center.  I highly recommend doing the planning/research needed because hiking is one of the greatest forms of family engagement for very low costs.

Young children adore nature.

Sometimes they love it so much you don’t get very far on your planned hike if your two year old wants to touch every leaf and climb every rock (see right).  Nature brings out the best in children–the innocence and wonder and joy.  We see them become mini-explorers, scientists, conservationists, researchers, botanists… everything.

Baby "king of the rocks."

But children also can be temperamental, over-sensitive hiking companions.  You have to plan ahead but be willing to go with the flow.  And you have to be confident in your own physical and emotional skills (carrying a squirming, crying 40-ish pound child for 1/2 mile over rocks and tree roots while everyone else looks at you like you are the worst parent ever might happen to you, too).  Here are some tips to make hiking as a family work out a little better:

1. Bring enough water for everyone. I recommend at least one full water bottle per person.
2. Bring snacks with carbs and protein. Our favorite cheap hiking snacks are fresh fruit (if we’re hiking along the Appalachian Trail, we bring extra fresh fruit for thru-hikers if we encounter them), nuts, dark chocolate, and string cheese sticks.  Everyone is always hungrier in the mountains.
3. Bring the child carrier.  Trust me.  Shove it into the bottom of your backpack if you want to encourage your toddler to walk more, but you will always wish you’d brought it if your children are under 5.
4. Dress in layers and proper foot gear. The mountains are cooler than surrounding areas, but you’ll warm up as you hike.  This is not just for the kids–your own comfort is important, too!
5. Be willing to turn around if your kids are just not having it. Our son wasn’t into the hike we took this weekend, but ended up having a great time exploring the nearby lake with Min while my daughter and I forged ahead.  It’s ok.

I also do a bit more research online before embarking on an unfamiliar trail than I did when I was hiking as an adult.  Blogs and trail guides make this very easy these days.  For example, the Cunningham Falls State Park website helped us decide which trail to try when we went there for the first time, years ago.  Get out there and enjoy the woods!