Debt Elimination Progress: March 2018

Originally Posted on April 1, 2018 to Free, Fun, Family

Happy Easter and April Fool’s Day!  March was a month for adjusting our expectations–and our spending level.  Min and I had some very honest conversations about finances (both our birthdays are in March, and we used it as a chance to reflect).  I have been working on being more accountable to myself.  However, several major life events are putting some external pressure on our family, making it hard to feel in control.  I’ve discovered that feeling in control and capable is key in making any progress on our financial goals.

Progress from March:

• We got spending (mostly) under control. Although there were still a few emotional purchases and unnecessary spending, we kept total spending for March under budget/earnings.  We have a plan for April (which will be tighter than March because an income stream, albeit a small one, is ending; however, it should reduce spending in some areas).
• I noticed my emotional impulses related to money. When I feel overwhelmed and like I’ll never succeed, I have the impulse to give up and just buy whatever I want.  I found some healthy strategies that help keep me from spending money were increasing exercise, plan for cooking something new, and (strangely) making a small contribution to my emergency fund (I put $20 in $5 or $10 increments this month–it was strangely soothing).  However, I did give in a few times, to the tune of about $150 of unnecessary, impulse spending, mostly on crappy food.  Double whammy.  Working on this.  Seeing how much it adds up helps.
• I did more math. I calculated that my consumer debt is costing me about $7/day.  Ew!  That’s worse than a latte/day habit!  Whenever I’m tempted to spend a dollar or two, I remind myself I’m already wasting that much EVERY DAY I’m in debt.  Until I’m out of debt, I’ve already spent that “indulgence.”
• I noticed that I feel like I’m not making as much progress as I’m making.  I started a spreadsheet to keep track of my total progress in the second half of the month.  It has been soothing when I get frustrated and feel like I’m not making progress.  Also, starting this blog has given me a lot of motivation to write and save!  So here’s the status for the end of March:
  • Home Improvement Loan: $4,500
  • Visa Card: $7,263.36
  • AmEx: $13,600
  • TOTAL: $25,363.36
  • Amount paid off this month: $1,483.64
  • Amount paid off TOTAL: $5,592.64

Again, the real, tangible progress reflected in the monthly calculations helps ground me.  Almost $1,500 is kicking butt!  I won’t be able to hit that in April (I’ve already done the calculations), but it might be a good reach goal for future months!  However, looking at the running total feels super impressive–over $5,000 paid off already–gone FOREVER!

Goals for April:

1. Use up food in the pantry and sub in cheaper ingredients.
2. Plan meals and cook at home–no more restaurants!
3. No drinks but water and coffee made at home (BIG challenge).

 

Children Reflect Your Lived Values

 Originally Posted on March 29, 2018 to Free, Fun, Family

Last night just before bed, my daughter found a baby doll she had “lost” in one of her fake-purse-snack-bags.  She was delighted.  She cuddled and cooed at the baby, changed its diaper before letting me change her diaper, kissed and cuddled it when it “cried,” read it a book, and then nursed it to sleep.  This is almost exactly the way I put her to bed (yes, even at almost three, we bedshare and comfort nurse).  I was warmed in my heart.

Earlier in the evening, my son offered very specific advice about a particular mobile phone puzzle game I’ve been addicted to lately.  I marveled at his creativity in game design. However, I recoiled with the horrifying shock that I’ve spent so much time distracting myself with this game in his presence, he felt he should talk to me about the game to connect with me.  I have made a mental note to stop playing this game for a few weeks to detox from the seductive, numbing distraction I’ve allowed it to become.  I was sad he absorbed such a thoughtless message from my bad habit.

Parenting offers the most powerful mirror I have ever experienced.

Not because children are mini-versions of you, but because they are so hungry for a deep, connected relationship with parents that they notice every tick, every quirk, every comment, every interest, and every habit.  They use that information, processed through their lens and unformed brains, to shape the reactions they want from their parents in whatever ways they can.

Whenever I find myself irritated with the behavior of one of my children, it is easy to blame them or their stage of development.  However, the more awareness I bring to the behavior, the more empathy and deep thought, the more I recognize that the behavior is often a reaction to a poor behavior of my own.

I am constantly working in my parenting practice to bring awareness, presence, and empathy to my interactions with my children and my husband.  However, I’ve also started to realize that it’s not just about being a selfless doormat; it’s about self-improvement and modeling the life and values you want your children to live.

The great thing is that if I listen–really listen–to my children, they will show me where I need the most work.  But they will also show me where I shine.

The Allowance Experiment

Originally Posted on March 28, 2018 in Free, Fun, Family

My son has become very interested in money lately.  Part of it is that he’s learning coins in school (and applying his “count by 5s” skills to nickels).  However, I also remember having a fascination with coins and money and saving/earning when I was young that led me to an interest in personal finance now that I’m grown.  Many young people are natural entrepreneurs, and I like to encourage his interests, but money is a challenging topic for parents.  Especially if, like me, you are still learning yourself!

I’ve read some books and articles that address how/when to do allowances with kids.  Mostly there are two themes: 1) Pay kids for chores or 2) Pay an allowance as a member of the family.  There are lots of arguments about why one pay structure is superior to the other for teaching the value of money and compensation for work.  Some systems actually suggest both (standard pay and then extra for contributions above and beyond).

Trouble is, I’ve never been one for elaborate systems.  We never did sticker charts for potty training.  As a teacher, I found discipline/reward systems too distracting and complex to make work for me in the classroom.  I come from a family of origin where chore lists were made and then promptly ignored.  I don’t want to set up my own children with some system, and then have to change all the rules on them because I forgot what I was doing or how to keep it up.

What to do?  The system I’m using with J rose organically out of a conversation we had over his homework.

J: Mommy, will you pay me money?

Me:  What will you do to earn the money?

J: I don’t know.  What can I do?

Me: Well, what do you want to use the money for?

J: I think I want to save the money.  [a pause] And help you pay your debt.

Me: [smiling–they hear everything, don’t they?] Paying off the debt is our responsibility–your father’s and mine. You don’t have to worry about that.  But saving is a good idea.  You have a savings account at the bank.

J: I do?

Me: Yes. When you were little, sometimes friends and family gave money for you to save. For college and other things you might need when you grow up. Do you want to earn money to save for those things?

J: That’s good.

Me: What are your responsibilities?

J: [thinking] Helping my family. Being nice to my sister.

Me: What about school?

J: My homework and cleaning my lunchbox.

Me: And Appa [Korean for Dad] likes you to practice your piano every day.

J: Yes.

Me: How about we try this: If you meet your responsibilities without Appa and I nagging you or asking you to do them lots of times, you can earn money?

We came up with a list.  J can earn a quarter each for:

1. Completing all his homework independently, with sincere effort.
2. The “10-minute clean-up” (We set a timer for 10 minutes and he organizes/cleans for that time, starting in common areas and finishing in his bedroom).
3. Practicing piano for 15 minutes.

The results so far have been pretty great.  I have to fight with him less to get started on the homework, the house is cleaner because he takes the job more seriously with the timer and money on the line, and he’s progressing in piano.  I like money as a reward more than screen time, since he doesn’t really want to do much more than count and collect it at the moment.  Plus he’s been trying to think of other ways to be responsible that could earn him money.  (Proposed: Pay me to eat my vegetables?  Rejected.  Proposed: Pay me to put away all my clean clothes?  Considered–but you would have to also match all the socks and hang up the school uniform pieces. Proposed: Pay me to help shovel snow?  Accepted, etc.)  He’s earned about $4 a week since we started a few weeks ago.  That’s in line with the approximate recommendations for $1/year of age/week.

Some people are concerned that children who are paid for meeting their obligations won’t value the obligations they have if they are not paid.  That’s fair, but would you keep working at your job if they stopped paying you?  I see that concern, but I also believe you have to know your kid.  J is rules and order oriented.  He likes structure, clarity, and fairness.  He understands that he has to do his chores anyway; this helps him connect family responsibilities to privileges.

Ways We Save Money: Insurance

Originally Posted on March 27, 2018 on Free, Fun Family

In the last two months, close friends of mine have had disaster strike: a home fire with total loss declared and a catastrophic brain injury that will require months (years?) of rehabilitation.  I spent a lot of time cuddling my children tight, donating–yes, even on our tight budget–to GoFundMe for both of them (read about the amazing Sandy and Jessica), and combing over our insurance policy coverage.

None of us like to imagine worst-case scenarios, but we must take responsibilities seriously to protect those that depend on us.  We like to be responsible parents, so we know we need insurance for health, life, auto, and home.  Here are some things we’ve done to save money for each area, while maintaining appropriate coverage.

Health

My family puts a strong emphasis on health through physical activity, good habits, and healthy, wholesome foods.  Luckily, most of us are well most of the time.  However, I have two chronic illnesses that could require significant costs without great insurance.  One is only manageable through (pricey) maintenance medication (found after several years of flares, treated with steroids that may have contributed to the development of the second condition), but the other I’ve gotten under control through diet and exercise.  However, doctors like to monitor all of the complications that these conditions increase my risks for, so I also have more frequent specialist appointments and lab work than the typical “healthy” 37-year-old.  We limit these costs as much as we can by using generics and always going to in-network practitioners.

I am blessed to have access to great family insurance, at a relatively low cost, through my employer.  We also have a tax-advantaged Health Savings Account (HSA) where we put a designated amount tax-free into an account (in the form of payroll deduction) that we can use to pay deductibles, eyeglasses, medications, and other needed care.  We pay attention to this amount to ensure we are using it well.  Some years we under estimate (the year Min broke his leg and I needed physical therapy for a back injury was one), but thanks to the change in rules that allow up to $500 to roll over from year to year, we now do a bit better with our estimation.

Life

Min and I each have term life insurance with low monthly rates.  We estimated coverage for each of us by considering: 1) the mortgage 2) college/education costs for both kids, and 3) income support replacement (for me) or supplemental childcare costs (for him).  I got my 30-year plan right before J was born, but Min only quit smoking that year.  For him, we got a 10-year plan and then another 20-year plan when H was born to replace it at the non-smoker rates.  We are each covered well through the times our kids would need support for around $50/month.

Auto

We drive very safely and not very far (around 5,000 miles/year for my car and around 7,000 miles/year for Min’s).  This saves us money.  We shop rates around annually, but for the last three years have been unable to beat our current rates with Geico.  We get only the coverage we need (no Comprehensive/Collision for cars older than 6 years). Min drove a 20 year old, 2-door beater with two young children in car seats until it was unsafe to do so.

Home

We bundle our home with auto for some savings.  We make sure to let the company know when we make updates that reduce insurance rates (like replacing the HVAC last year).  We keep our deductible fairly high and maintain our home well (fix small issues early on so they don’t become issues and practice fire/water/electrical safety).  This is an expense we are trying to reduce, but don’t really have many options right now.

Disability

I have a great disability insurance coverage through my employment, but we do not have coverage for Min or supplemental coverage.  Min doesn’t work right now, so disability insurance didn’t make much sense for him.  I did look into additional coverage for me, but unfortunately my medical conditions make any such coverage that I would qualify for cost prohibitive.  Instead, I work on keeping my health great and minimizing risks to my health that could result in disability (like not driving as much or engaging in high-risk contact sports/activities).  I don’t live scared or anything like that, but my desire to jump out of a plane is not as great as my desire to provide for my family.

That’s about it.  Big takeaways: Shop around, buy only what you need, minimize the risks through preventative action.  Our family is adequately covered for accidents and problems without a great deal of expense.

Attitude of Gratitude: My Mom (Grandma)

Originally Posted on March 26, 2018 on Free, Fun Family

On Mondays, the transition from a weekend of full-on family time to 8 hours of work in an office can be jarring. I would like to be more mindful of my transition by practicing active gratitude on this difficult day–offering thanks for the people, circumstances, and things in my life that help me feel grounded and blessed.  I will begin with expressing my thanks for my mother.

My mother worked as a toxicologist and supervising scientist with the federal government for most of her professional life until she retired a little over a year ago.  She got her Ph.D. in science in an era where women were rejected from medical school with their marital status cited as a reason for the rejection (that happened to her).  She and I had a challenging relationship when I was in my teens and early twenties (two strong-willed females with a power differential will do that sometimes), and if you had told me then that we would live a five minute walk from each other and regularly spend hours together without it being forced or being a holiday, I might have laughed at you.  But she regularly watches our children and my niece, selects thoughtful gifts for everyone in our household, contributes financially to our children’s college funds, and raves over food I cook (this is important to me).

Our relationship now is a source of joy, not just for my children (H recently told me, “Grandma is the only person I really love”–the honesty of the young, right?), but for me, too.  Last week, when the blizzard made driving a nonstarter, the kids and I walked over to Grandma’s condo and assembled furniture for her and cried while watching Coco (J wants it noted he didn’t cry.  That was just allergies.).  It was a very enjoyable afternoon of listening to my daughter play with Grandma while my son built elaborate HotWheels tracks out of packaging materials.  I didn’t even mind the frustration of assembling chairs with three million, bajillion parts (an actual count).

Our relationship changed to become more connected during three distinct periods: 1) When I lived abroad in Korea and wrote a blog about it that she regularly read, 2) When I became a mom in 2011 and temporarily lived with my parents, and 3) When my father passed in June of 2014.   It’s not always rainbows and sunshine (no one can push your buttons like your family), but I love my mother and her presence in our lives is enriching on every level.

Family Fun Tip: Attend School Events

 Originally Posted on March 25, 2018 on Free, Fun Family

I’m an educator by profession and a huge fan of public schools.  What you might not know is that local schools provide hours and hours of low-cost or free events.  This weekend, my family enjoyed two evenings of very low-cost entertainment by checking out our local public schools.

Friday night, my son’s  school (a classical charter K-8) hosted an “Arts Night” where the teachers of specials (Art, Music, PE, Spanish, and Latin) each planned an activity for families.  The PE teacher had a volleyball net and soccer field set up indoors.  The Music teacher had youtube videos streaming of those Xbox-style dance video games while we all danced along (“Footloose” was popular with the parents).  The Art teacher had paint markers and pre-treated rocks for the “Kindness Rocks” movement.  She let students design “classical” rocks (my son painted the Acropolis).  The Latin teacher had students create a coat of arms on a cereal box.  Finally, the Spanish teacher had students make a “god’s eye” traditional Mexican craft with yarn and popsicle sticks.

The whole evening was stress-free, fun for both my son (who saw his friends from school and played with them) and his younger sister (who loves to think of herself as going to school like big brother).  As a parent, I made connections with other parents at the school and got to know his teachers outside of his normal classroom teachers.  There were even door prizes for visiting each activity.  Best of all, my son learned a new favorite craft (guess which one?).

Check out what your child’s school might offer.  Many schools have fairs, talent shows, competitions, etc. with little to no entry fee.

Another great option is to look at the local high school offerings.  Until February when I got a promotion, I was a teacher at our local high school, so I had an “inside scoop,” but these days most high schools publish an e-mail newsletter to inform the public of events. Even though our children are young (6 and 2), many high school events are appropriate for all ages.  We go to sporting events, music nights, science fairs, plays and musicals, and art shows.  Some have small entrance fees (in the $5 range for adults, often children younger than 8 are free or reduced cost), but these fees support the student events and programs you enjoy.  Also, high school students LOVE young kids (often their siblings are older than my kids).

Saturday night we attended a male “beauty pagent” (Mr. OurTown) for the senior class.  It’s sponsored by the National Honor Society and all the proceeds go to charity.  While some of the jokes are aimed at the adolescent male mindset (one boy’s escort was his “girlfriend” that was his best friend’s mom *eye roll*), mostly it was funny and sweet with some neat musical, dance, and performance talents.  The kids loved watching the antics and the excitement of a live performance. Full disclaimer: I was asked to judge this event as a former teacher, so my husband was fully responsible for managing both kids during the show–not recommended!

The crazy thing is that if we’d wanted even more things to do this weekend, the public schools had more offerings than we could have possible enjoyed.  There was a science and social studies fair, many sports games, and a spring musical.  That happens just about every weekend!  Check out your local schools for some great, low-cost family entertainment.

Getting Healthy: Update

I believe I alluded to the fact that I made "Lifetime" with WeightWatchers a few months ago.  Since that time, I had some crazy stress which affected my maintenance plan and as of this writing, I weigh about 10 lbs above my WW goal of 162.  A couple months ago, I made the decision that rather than go back to WW, I would try the health thing on my own.  Really, now that I've achieved weight loss, I am more interested in improving health through diet and exercise.

My health is pretty good right now.  My ulcerative colitis has been in remission through remicade since the birth of my daughter in 2015.  My diabetes is now two years medication-free with A1C testing normal.  I need to keep the focus on a lower-carb diet and lots of exercise if I want to stay medication-free and essentially not diabetic as long as possible.

Diet

Since I'm trying to save money, meal planning healthfully at home helps achieve both goals.  My workday daily pattern is something like this:

Beverages: coffee with unsweetened vanilla almond milk
Breakfast: two eggs with fat free/reduced fat cheese with vegetable/salsa and low carb "bread"
Snack: plain greek yogurt with a sprinkle of low sugar granola
Lunch: leftover something
Snack: hummus or guacamole with carrots or peppers
Dinner: cooking something--maybe I'll blog some of my kitchen adventures

If I get hungry, I'll add a low fat cheesestick, piece of fruit, or chips and salsa.  I usually let myself have a small piece of chocolate or two at work (dove or hersey kiss).

This seems to be working for me, but it's not really a "weight loss" diet, so I'm not losing much at the moment.  I'm eating healthy food when I am hungry and not beating myself up about it.  I feel well fed and energized.

Fitness

When I began my new job, I decided I would take the time I usually used in the morning to lesson plan and grade papers before work started and exercise instead.  I have been sticking to this plan really well by doing two early AM classes at the YMCA on Mondays (Insanity and CORE) and Wednesdays (Body Pump) and continuing my dance fitness class (Bang PowerDance) at the Y on Saturdays.  I have also been going in Thursday or Friday morning (or both) to swim, jog, or lift weights, depending on my mood and body aches.

This is a lot more intense exercise and resistance training than I've ever tried before.  Although the first couple weeks hurt a lot and I feel ridiculously weak whenever we do anything involving shoulders and triceps, I LOVE it.  I feel stronger and get better at the exercises every week.

Although I'm not wearing my FitBit anymore, I'm still pushing myself to include more daily movement (walking up the stairs to the 4th floor office and to whatever level I'm parked on the garage, using part of my lunch break to walk around, parking in a distant end for meetings offsite and walking, etc.).  Again, I'm super focused right now on feeling more fit and energized.  It's been working for the most part.

I've noticed an increase in definition of my muscles and the clothes I bought when I hit lifetime are fitting well again, so I'm probably a similar size when I was at my lowest weight.

I need to go get my bloodwork done again, so hopefully the A1C is still healthy.  We'll see!

February Progress for Debt Elimination!

In February of this year, I made a major life transition: I took a new position with my public school district that took me out of a classroom and into an office building.  Although I have been working on making this transition for the last few years through a graduate program, I was not expecting the opportunity to come so suddenly.  I had planned to wait until my now two-year-old daughter was in Kindergarten to make this transition, but a dream job posted.  I went for it, not expecting to be taken seriously at this time, and got hired.  

I absolutely love my new position, but am adjusting to a lot of things that come with a sudden major change in daily patterns.  Now that I'm about a month in, I am noticing that I have more energy and desire to read and write again.  I don't know if it will go anywhere major, but I think I want to start up my little blog again.  I used to have big ambitions for this blog, but this time around, I just want to use it as an outlet to explore some ideas and projects I have in the works.

If you are still reading after my lengthy absence, thank you.  If you are new, welcome.

My inspiration for blogging at this moment is that I am in progress on a new debt elimination plan and find that blogging about it holds me more accountable and helps me reflect on choices.  It is not the first time I've struggled with this problem.  However, my promotion has left me in the enviable position of having fewer "excuses" about why I can't get completely out of debt if I try really hard.  I feel excited again remembering my original commitment to reducing my consumerism when I returned from Korea (which I've let creep up a bit from addiction to convenience and laziness--thanks for the kick in the pants, MrMoneyMustache).

Progress from February:

• I became accountable to myself, looking at debt and owning my budgetary failures. I discovered that I have allowed my family to wrack up a LOT of consumer debt this year, mostly attributable to two major home renovation/improvement projects (HVAC replacement and removing a wall from our living area).  We have also traveled a great deal in the last year, which is great, but not at the cost of debt.  Additionally, my habits of eating out often (often fast food, just for me--neither healthy nor social) and aspirational purchases when I got my new position (I thought I needed to dress a lot fancier; turns out I probably could have made due with just a few items upgrading) contributed significantly.  I must own that.
• I refunded the emergency fund to $1,000. Along with the head/heart work above, I committed to a new understanding of what constitutes an emergency.  Then I used part of my tax refund to refuel my EF which had dwindled to about $300.
• I did the math. At the start of February, here is what I owed in really awful consumer debt, in the order that I plan to pay it back.  Note this made me SICK:
• Personal Loan: $3,529
• Wells Fargo Home Improvement Loan: $5,579
• USAA Visa Card: $8,360
• Bank of America AmEx: $13,488
• TOTAL (so ugly): $30,956
• I made mistakes, but I am heading in the right direction.  I devoted a large tax refund and salary reimbursement from my previous position to paying off this debt.  My new totals, at the end of February:
• Personal Loan: $0 (YAY!!!)
• Wells Fargo Home Improvement Loan: $5,000
• USAA Visa Card: $8,065
• Bank of America AmEx: $13,782*
• TOTAL (still so ugly): $26,847
• Amount paid off: $4,109 (WOWEE!)

*Early in the month before a strict commitment to this project, I used this card for convenience when I left my card used strictly for personal expenses and paid off each month at home.  This was part of my re-education about the seriousness of my problem I was treating far too casually in 2017.

That's a great feeling to see that progress.  (Haha: I'm already so glad I wrote up this blog post.) It's not a realistically sustainable level of debt payoff for our family every month (like I said, refunds and reimbursements made a huge difference), but it makes me acknowledge the power of focus.  Just like losing the weight (yes, I did make lifetime with WW), I have to remember that focus and commitment every day is necessary, but it's hard to see progress in the moment.  I also have set myself up for success going forward during this month.  That feels great, too.

Goals for March:

-Use grocery food more efficiently to reduce food waste and cost.

-Plan meals and cook at home unless socializing with another person (personal food purchases outside the home only from set cash allowance).

-No purchases of clothing/shoes for this month.  (I have developed a small addiction to shopping websites and stores... don't need that in my life right now... commence re-addiction to reading, a free source of entertainment)

These are totally achievable for me AND will help with my health!

WW Update--A year and a baby later!

I rejoined WW this week (you can read about my joining last summer here).  I had lost about 7 lbs when I found out I was pregnant with H.  I gained only about 18 lbs from there during pregnancy (checked into the hospital at 223--with J I was 240 at hospital time).

Well, six weeks postpartum, having really been attuned to my health during pregnancy since I had the dreaded gestational diabetes, I am 17.4 lbs down from where I was when I joined last year.  What an awesome boost to keep going!  I haven't been this low a weight since right before I was pregnant with J more than 4 years ago.

My healthy inspiration/motivation

The scare with diabetes has really kicked my motivational butt.  I don't want to deal with the health issues my dad had during his last years because he had not managed his type II well.  I don't want my kids to worry about me.  I want to be active and healthy like I used to be.  My ulcerative colitis is under control, so I really have no more excuses not to focus on really being HEALTHY.

A note about WW--they kept all my info and recipes on file, so it has been really easy to just pick right up where I left off.  And they are currently doing a "be happy" promotion focused on bringing positive emotions to your weight loss journey.  I am really glad I chose this program for support.  It is exactly what I need right now.

Going from one child to two... some emotional observations after six weeks.

I have been a mom of two for a little more than six weeks now.  It has been an adjustment for our family, but for me, it has been a deeply satisfying and alarmingly positive one. I had read a lot of stories about how much harder it was to have a second child and was afraid that expanding our family would leave me with lots of unanticipated negative feelings.  It hasn't.  I'm sure that my daughter's easygoing infant personality and temperament are a major factor (she goes 6-7 hour stretches at night between nursings most nights; my son wasn't going that long until at least 8 or 9 months and still waking twice a night to feed at 18 months).  I love me some sleep.  But it is more than that.

Here are some reflections after six weeks of going from three people to four (and mothering a daughter, specifically):

• I fell back in love with my husband.  I think I did this after J was born, but we were too sleep deprived to enjoy it and fought over stupid stuff for those first six months.  With my daughter, it is an even more powerful feeling.  I don't think I've ever been more appreciative of what Min Gi brings to our family--energy, enthusiasm, discipline in the areas I lack them and relaxed adventurousness in the areas I am disciplined.  Our children are growing up in a rich, loving, healthy, learning environment in large part due to his efforts as a full-time Dad.  I continue to be amazed by how much I love him and how glad I am he is my family.
• The emotional highs I get from witnessing the positive interactions of my son and daughter were a completely unexpected delight.  After the high highs of parenting I learned after having my son, I thought that was it.  I was wrong--so wonderfully wrong.  Nothing sweeter than listening to J "teach" H how to throw a ball or read her one of his books.  The feeling is just incomparable.
• There is a settled completeness with two children I never felt with just J.  I don't know how to explain this well, but here is my attempt:  With J, Min Gi, and I, our family felt like a couple with a kid.  What I mean by this is that I felt like a parent, but that my world "shouldn't" be absorbed with children.  I didn't think it was good for J to think that he was our entire world or for our marriage to only be centered around our role as parents, but I didn't have time or energy to pursue many outside hobbies, so I mostly just thought I was always doing a bad job.  I was too focused on our son or I was too focused on selfish pursuits.  With a second child, I now have "children," and it seems more ok to pull back from adult things to focus on our family.  Even though I could have let go of this "should" while I had J (and should have--ha!  Now I'm "should"ing myself!), I didn't.  It is easier with two.  I feel more balance, more complete in my family life.  And, ironically, it frees up all that time I used to spend "worrying" to actually pursue my reading and writing and have meaningful adult conversations with my husband... So...
• It hurts more than I can ever explain to know that H and my dad will never know each other.  I cannot fix this except by sharing my stories of him with my children.  And I do.  I do...
• The perspective I have as a mom is much more sane the second time around.  Sleeplessness?  Baby acne?  Can't hold up her head?  Difficult latch?  This, too, shall pass.  So much easier knowing that on an emotional level, not just an intellectual one.  It's actually making it easier to weather J's difficult stages because parenting him for the last three years taught me that about parenting H.  By logical extension...
• Having a daughter is both different and the same.  It is different because I have found myself recommitting to my feminist ideals for an entirely new reason--I need her to have a world in which she is valued for who she is as a whole person.  I find comments about her "girl" status and J's "boy" status to grate more than they used to.  
• On the other hand, parenting a daughter is the same as parenting a son for the most part.  People are individuals; so are infants and children.  We can ascribe our societal gendered notions on them if we like, but H acts no more like a "girl" and J no more like a "boy" than the portions of their personalities so far that intersect with our preconceived notions.  J likes trains, but he is also emotionally sensitive.  H has long, pretty hair for an infant, but she also makes wicked poop faces.  They are who they are.  I don't really see aspects of their personalities coming from their gender.

And that's all I have time for right now.

I'm loving this time.  I feel healthy and balanced, even with emotional highs and lows.  More when I can...