Old, Unpublished Post: Six Months Old: 5 More Things about Motherhood

I wrote the majority of this post June 2, 2012.  I found it buried, unpublished, in my list of blog posts.  Thought I'd share, since it was very interesting.  I should probably do another one of these, since I've learned even more since then:

J is six months old today.  My goal for my first year of motherhood was for all of us to make it out alive.  We're halfway there (and the three of us are not only alive, but thriving)!  In celebration, I will share another few things I've learned about motherhood (you can read my original post here).  I blatantly stole this idea from another blogger (now defunct), no lie, but I really enjoyed doing it last time and reading hers, so I'm going to forgive myself my originality fail.

1.  Current medical guidelines are not the only healthy way to raise a baby.  The medical guidelines you were raised with and your parents religiously adhered to in order to give you the best start are totally different than your current "best practices."  The truths about healthy baby raising in another country are different than your current truths.  The things that work with your baby now may not work with your next baby.  I'm not advocating being totally irresponsible, but don't freak out if you find out that your friend started her baby on solid foods before six months or or co-sleeps or whatever.

2.  Some babies cry inconsolably while sleeping.  J almost never cries when he is awake, but when he's asleep or just about to fall asleep, he will wail as if in terrible pain.  And we sit there at night trying to figure out whether it is better to wake him up (which stops the crying, but then he's awake for the next 30 minutes) or try to rock him or nurse him back to sleep through the cries (which takes almost 30 minutes anyhow).  It's weird.  I'm 90% sure it's teething pain that he doesn't really notice when he is fully conscious, but that when he's sleeping (supposedly peacefully), he feels it.  Apparently this is "normal."

3.  Sometimes the troubles with nursing come later.  The common wisdom is that once you've made it 6-8 weeks as an exclusive nursing mom, it's smooth sailing from there.  ALL of my serious (very serious) problems with breastfeeding happened after that.  I pushed through a once-a-day nusing strike for 2 weeks or so.  I had bilateral mastitis (breast infection in BOTH breasts) which did not respond to oral antibiotics or the first two rounds of IV antibiotics and so I had to take a major IV antibiotic not approved for breastfeeding and couldn't nurse for 2 days, during which time my husband burned through half of my freezer stash feeding the baby.  After that, my supply tanked and I had to use herbal supplements to bring it back up.  Then I had ANOTHER round of mastitis, but this time I developed an allergic reaction to the IV.  It is a wonder I didn't wean.  But here we are. (20 months note:  I am still breastfeeding.  I should write about that because breastfeeding past one year into toddlerhood is crazy)

4.  Babies are made to love their mommies.  And vice versa.  Knowing how and why bonding occurs and how powerful it can be does not prepare you for the sheer awesomeness of the feeling.  I've not yet encountered anything more challenging than parenting--or anything more rewarding.

5.  It's worth it to have one parent stay home full time.  For us, the parent who is full-time is Appa (that's Dad in Korean).  He is better suited to the task, both in temperament and economics.  (The only times I wish it could be me instead are when I'm dealing with anything pumping related--pumping is great, but also a big pain in the butt.)  Now, we do not make a lot of money, so we have "given up" many luxuries that most Americans take for granted, including baby luxuries like cribs and most toys in favor of co-sleeping and walks outside.  But really, the bond that my son and husband have is powerful and awesome.  And worth every bit we've "given up."

Korea: The Vacation

We have been back in Korea for almost six weeks now after nearly three years away.  We depart for home tomorrow evening, so this is really the last day we have here.  I am packing, but also reflecting.  It is very likely we will not be able to return for another two-three years.

Our Korean Family

Most of our time here was devoted to catching up with family and friends who live here. We also spent a disproportionate amount of time and money taking Jeongmin to places to play and have fun and interact with children.

That, and eating all of the deliciousness.  From spicy boiling hot tofu soup to fried green onion pancakes, clear broth noodle soups of various kinds to delicate raw fish, my tummy has had an amazing voyage in reuniting with this country.  Alas, I did not take pictures of it, since it was too delicious to wait to eat to pick up a camera first.  However, it has inspired me to put more Korean dishes back into our family's rotation of food.  So perhaps you will see more of it to come in my kitchen adventures.

It is strange to be a visitor in a place that was home for a long time.  What was most odd and surprising for me was the fact that it really was not at all odd and surprising.  My spatial memory of the downtown area was intact, even as some of the shops/landmarks had changed, and just the routines of daily life didn't feel foreign.  They felt comfortable.  My Korean language skills even came back much faster than I anticipated, considering I have made almost no effort to study since moving the U.S.

This time has been, for the most part, restful and reflective for me.  Our little family spent a good deal of time together.  Min Gi and I have had some awesome conversations when Jeongmin was asleep or otherwise occupied.  I had the chance to spend some good recreational alone time, a luxury I have not experienced much since having Jeongmin.  I also had some special mother-son memories with just the two of us on little adventures here and there while Min Gi was able to catch up with friends.

It has served as a reminder to me that long term, the U.S. is not where I want to live.  I enjoy being American, but I just don't love living there.  I love my current job and our little city of Frederick and our beautiful new (to us) townhouse, but being back in Korea has allowed us to refocus on our five-year goals: 1) complete our family with a second child, and 2) get a job at a DODDS school and/or excellent international private school--right now we're thinking in Asia, but not Korea, for 2-5 years and then settle in Korea (preferably Jeju Island, but really other places will do).

Min Gi has also been inspired to think about his career after full-time parenting is no longer required (kids hit school age).  He has decided that he wants to do something to help disabled children/people.  He's in the process of figuring out how he can do that.

All in all, not the go-go-go adventure I had kind of expected it to be, but a much more laid-back and wonderful experience.

One thing that is hard about straddling two countries in an international marriage: You are always aching for something thousands of miles away.  One thing that is wonderful about it: You are always going home.  So home we will go.

Askew Values

Min Gi was doing some push-ups on the floor tonight (oh how I wish I were the type who gets bored and thinks "push-ups!").  J began imitating him with "push-ups" on the wall.  Somehow, this turned into a family dance party with the three of us spinning in circles, singing Psy's "Gentleman" until we all fell down on the floor in a giggling heap.  (Note to self:  Next time, plan to do this on empty stomachs so that there is less toddler "accidents" post spinning... Poor love.)

"We have fun as a family," Min Gi says to me, after J is finally tucked in, tummy settled.

"He just wants to do everything you do."

Children imitate what they see.  J growing up is shining a big-ol'-halogen spotlight on my life--especially my actions.  He will do exactly what I do, no matter what words are coming out of my mouth.  And you know what?  I'm not super happy with what I'm seeing.

I realized in that moment what's been floating around my head in the last few years living in the U.S. that has been bothering me--I don't think I live fully aligned with my values (which, I'm happy to see, haven't changed since that post three years ago; which means I done a good job the first time 'round).

That's hard to do.  How many people live completely in synch with their optimal values all the time?  I'm finding it harder to do in the U.S. for many reasons, but mostly because 1) American consumerist culture is beyond overwhelming--I see Min Gi succumbing to it more and more and know that I, too, fall into bad habits in my own country, (nothing like a trip back to Korea to help put that in perspective) and 2) most of my values come from, but are different than, my family of origin, who have never in my adult life been so much a part of my daily life than they are now.  Number one is more pervasive, but number two has the stronger emotional pull--and the increased challenges of intimacy.  This closeness with my mom, my dad, my sister and her new daughter, and even the beginnings of a repair to my relationship with Brian are wonderful.  But sometimes it is easy to forget the ways I've grown away from them (you're always a child to your parents, right?).

The stakes, though, have never been higher.  If I allow myself to stop caring about values that really matter to me, to my family, and instead allow the dominant culture, both country and extended family, to dominate, J will be more influenced by those values.  Because really, if I'm not doing anything differently, then I am, in fact, espousing those values.

So I need to stop.  I need to stop the "secret" AM trips to the McDonald's drive-thru (and PM trips to Burger King drive-thru--I'm really just a disgusting human being, no?).  I need to stop the Diet Coke addiction (which, thanks to Korea, I have gone cold turkey on and plan to keep that up upon my return to the U.S.).  I need to stop making excuses for why I can't exercise or why I can't cook and need to eat out/order food.  I need to stop spending money I don't have and avoiding dealing with paperwork because I'm not satisfied with my money situation.  I need to stop prioritizing work to the point that I don't really see my husband for days on end.  I need to stop reading things I don't really care about on the internet and start reading books again.  I just need to stop.  All of it.

And I need to fill my life back up with what I love and need.  Family.  Health.  Writing.  Work (Teaching AND Hotlining--I just have to face the reality that I love working on something that helps others).  Reading.

My example needs to count for my son.

Toddlers in Korea: Water Fountains/Hoses

Plane ride wasn't actually as bad as I'd been fearing.  Not looking forward to the flight back or anything, but not living in terror of it anymore.

I've been back in Korea for a bit over four weeks.  Definitely having a lovely time exploring the country afresh from the perspective of a toddler.  The most awesome part of Korea?  Water fountains.

Any and all water pouring forth from hoses and faucets.  They are ALL OVER this country.  I kid you not.

To be fair, we have somewhat encouraged this behavior as it is relatively harmless and entertains him for large chunks of time.  We even take him to water parks comprised almost entirely of water-fountain like devices.

Koreans seem to think Jeongmin playing with water is about the most entertaining thing ever.  He gets swarmed by middle school girls and old grandmothers alike.

Even Buddha approves of his water obsession:

Whatever you do, do NOT attempt to remove a toddler from his water source.  He will become agitated, whiny, and possibly violent.  On the plus side, he makes faces that you could submit to the ever-popular parenting blog: Reasons My Son Is Crying.

But I'm really not cruel enough frustrated enough by my toddler's behavior to humiliate him like that...

yet.

'Twas the Night Before...

...my first major international travel with a toddler.  Nightmare visions of ending up as the parents with the eternally screaming child who just cannot be consoled or entertained while stuck in a small metal box for 13.5 hours roll through my mind.

Worse still: I believe he is teething again.  He learned to say "No no no no no!" just this week. He thinks hitting, kicking, biting, and hair pulling are hilarious when he gets over tired.  And he's experimenting with temper-tantrums.

Really, my son is an even-tempered, delightful little boy.  But so was my cat Saja until we locked her in a small metal box without adequate hydration or access to a bathroom for 20ish hours (bus + flight).  Then she became the Devil spawn.  She's chilled out for the most part now, but don't let her see that carrier, or boy oh boy...

Min Gi and I have tried to prepare like rational adults: the diapers are packed, the stickers and colored pens are loaded, the iPod touch apps prepared, the snacks he likes best are individually bagged.  I even decided two months ago not to wean until after we return from Korea just for having one more method of appeasement available.  Still, I don't know that there is any way on this Earth we could make this misery any less miserable.  I've done this flight 6 times--solo, with Min Gi, with cat(s)--and it's barely survivable for adults.

Fortunately, this parenting anxiety is enough to distract me from the other aspect of this trip that should terrify me--leaving our newly purchased townhouse (with cats) for 6 weeks!  I'm not too worried about this, though.  A lovely young lady (who I met through the new hotline I work with in our area) will be house- and cat-sitting.

I just keep having the vision of Jeongmin trying to fall asleep today, gripping my hair tightly on either side of my head, pulling my face towards his open jaws of death, squealing with delight as he chomped down on my nose so hard he might have drawn blood...

Perhaps the plane will not revive Zombie Baby... but I'm pretty sure it will just increase his need for brains (aka my nose).

We'll let you know if we come out alive on the other end... otherwise look for the international news story of the flight crew/passengers that escaped prosecution because their mob-attack murder of the three of us was deemed justifiable in all three countries we traveled through...

Vacation Time

J on his bike a few days ago.  18 months old now.

In a few days, the fam is headed to Korea for a much-needed 6 week vacation/in-law & friend frenzy.  It will be our first trip back since moving to the U.S. in fall of 2010.  Much has happened since the last update.  We bought a house (townhouse in Frederick, MD).  Min Gi got his 10 year greencard.  I completed a successful year of teaching (almost had thought that was impossible) and will return to the same school in the fall.  J is a toddler (as you can see above).  I switched to a new hotline near my (new) house (part-time now, of course).  I became an auntie to a baby girl earlier this month.  I have dealt with three steroids-required flares of my ulcerative colitis.  I wrote most of a novel for NaNoWriMo with 19 of my students at that time.  Dad's health has held out; my brother's has not.  Mom remains amazing support for Sarah and I as new(er) moms, but I worry about her stress level.

Ayanna Jordyn, niece extraordinaire.  Aka A.J. and "Yaya." 8 days old.

Generally, life has been pretty good to us in this time, but it has been stressful with so many transitions.  I am looking forward to the rejuvenation of this vacation.  I had planned to try to get some work while in Korea, but since that didn't really happen, I'm instead looking for my first actual summer break since I began this teaching gig almost 10 years ago.  Perhaps I will even find time for this woefully neglected corner of the internet that is my blog.

To those of you still reading: thanks.  I'll let you know what Korea's like under their first female president.

Communication

Having an almost-one-year old is about 6 times the fun of a newborn.  It is also exhausting, what with the speed-crawling and the cruising and the finger foods.  But what's really fun is communication beyond the crying.

He says three words that he actually understands--"Appa" (Korean for Dad), "Mama" (meaning both Mom, in English, and Food, in Korean--understandably related for a breastfed child of a working mom), and now (the biggest accomplishment) "Dah" (for "Dog").  He even misapplied the label of dog to our cats.  It's so fun to watch him generalize the concept of furry, fun, four-legged creature who lives in the house with us.

But more than that, he really communicates.  A couple months ago, he learned that waving means good bye and hello.  Shortly thereafter, he used his arms stretched out with a little cry to indicate that he wants to be picked up.  He's figured out clapping and that head-shaking goes with "no" and that we say "no" a lot when he grabs the glasses off our faces (which now gives us a warning that he's about to go for the glasses, because he'll start the head-shake before he grabs... haha!).  He gets his grandma to do funny things by being cute in special ways (screaming, putting his hands up, etc.).

Can't wait for more!

Warm up.

I miss writing.

Sometimes I think about posts I could write.  And then, mid-organization, J wakes up from his nap and takes my attention fully back to mommy-land.

In fact, I am only able to visit blog-land at the moment because my husband is watching the baby on a Sunday afternoon I have not managed to commit to cooking, sailing, friend-visiting, or grading.  It is rather shocking.

Amanda has convinced me to do NaNoWriMo.  I'm pretty sure I should warm up.

Consider this my warm up.

News update round:

--I LOVE my job.  I have fallen in love with teaching again.  I have the absolute best kids and fellow English teachers ever.  I am insanely busy with it and having trouble with time management being both a teacher and a mom, but I'm figuring it out with lots and lots of support from Min Gi.
--J is 10.5 months.  It's hard to believe he is almost a year.  He's really cool.
--I am cooking a lot.  It's been a lot of work, but I'm really enjoying it.  And so are my family members who reap most of the tasty delicious benefits.  The other teachers envy my lunches.  I'm that awesome.
--I survived another flare up of ulcerative colitis.  This sucked, but we are all doing well.
--We are planning to spend a good bit of next summer in Korea.  I am wildly excited about this.  Hopefully I'll find affordable tickets.
--I am still working one shift a week at the hotline and helping with training.  Somehow this keeps me sane.
--Exercise is not as consistent as I'd like, but it's getting there.  I am within 8 lbs of pre-pregnancy weight.  That's pretty good.

So there we are.  Life's pretty good.  And I'm pretty sure J is about to wake up from a nap, so I'd better--

Teacher Dork

Well, folks.  I probably should have announced this a few weeks ago, but here is some of the biggest news that is happening in my life right now:  I accepted a high school English teaching position for this school year.  This means I will be leaving my full time job at the hotline and returning to the profession I had serious doubts about when I left my last teaching job.  This one is in a new district in Maryland.  Everything I have been learning about the district and the school makes me feel like it will be a very different experience than my last position.  Although I have understandable lingering anxieties from the disaster that was my last teaching job, I approach my new teacher in-service days starting tomorrow with a good deal of optimism.

I'm very excited to be a Lion (yes, that's our mascot), and the classes are almost perfectly designed for my talents/interests.  First semester I will be teaching 10th grade honors (which is an American Lit course) and 9th grade co-taught inclusion English with a commercial reading lab program that I've heard good things about.  Second semester, I will be teaching AP Language and Composition and 11th grade English along with the continuation of the same 9th grade English class (it's a 2-credit, 2-semester long course).

The preparations I've been doing for the last month have awoken my sleeping teacher dork self.  I re-read Harry Wong's The First Days of School, the single most important text I recommend for new teachers across every discipline and culture.  I used it to review all of my old classroom management plans and procedures to come up with a new plan that I'm happy with.  It also brought back a touch of that idealism I had when I first became a teacher (although perhaps peppered now with the wisdom and understanding of my years of experience), which I needed.

The most exciting piece, of course, is planning what books we will read this year and what writing assignments we will do.  I'm lucky--for ninth graders I can include some really interesting young adult works like The Giver, Speak, and The Hunger Games (yes, really, it's on the approved list and we have a class set); for the tenth most of the American Lit options available are ones I've taught before and love teaching--Of Mice and Men, A Raisin in the Sun, The Crucible, To Kill a Mockingbird, and even the book that has the honor of being my favorite piece of writing, The Things They Carried.

For writing assignments, I believe I have some standard county requirements for each year, but I hope there is some flexibility in that.  I will learn more tomorrow at my in-service.

Let the school year begin!

Grief/Childhood Friends

To what degree do our friends in childhood influence who we become as adults?  And how many of us don't always stay in touch with those people who once peopled our small worlds?  Facebook makes it easier to stay loosely connected with minimal effort, but it's not quite the same.

If I re-read my journals from when I was a girl--10, 11, 12 years old-- my world is peopled with C---s.  They were (and are still) the family down the street.  Their oldest son, Chris, was two years older than me and our younger brothers were of an age.  Christina, the only daughter, is 2 years older than my sister Sarah and the twin boys a few years younger than that--I baby sat them now and then.  The father, Ted, is a formidable Greek man with the kind of vivid personality that intrigues and amuses, but sometimes embarrasses his own preteen children.  The mother, Sue, is one of the most giving people I know.  In my memories she is as American mother as a Donna Reed archetype, except warmer, more approachable, and with a much greater sense of humor.

I loved them in the casual, eternal way that young children love, firm in the belief that what is now is what always will be.  Chris, being two years older, was an object of adoration.  As I was preparing for junior high, he was old hat at such things and was on his way to the unthinkably miraculous and grown up world of high school.  We played in the woods that was adjacent to our street, often taking our brothers with us.

Brian, my brother, and Tim C were best friends.  They were together always.  In late elementary school, they would set up wooden ramps in the peaceful street where we lived and try to perform tricks with their bikes.  They were tree climbers.  They hoarded the backyard basketball hoop and the C---'s pool.  There were scraped knees and broken glasses and many, many sprains in their adventures together.

Chris and I grew apart as I attended far away schools in Silver Spring and he stayed closer to home.  We each became firmly attached to the school world in which our peers now occupied.  We would see each other on the block now and then and say hi, but as first he and then I learned to drive, these casual hellos would be fewer and fewer.  And after college, I would be surprised if we even recognized each other if we weren't both on the street where our parents lived.

To look back on it is sad--the gradual, slow, fading away of a friendship that once was as vital to me as the grass and trees and water.  But the casual slowness of the loss, like the loss of so many other childhood things--magic, innocence, freedom--made it not so sharp.  You wake up one day and you don't believe in unicorns and realize that you haven't for several years; in some ways you can't even remember really having believed.  So it was with my friendship with Chris C---.

I don't really know what happened, but as the friendship between our brothers was ever more intense, so too was the ending of it.  Sometime in middle school, Tim and Brian stopped speaking.  From then on, my brother's looks were always hostile and hurt at the mention of the C---s.  I used to wonder about it now and then, but hadn't for a long time.  Although Christina's friendship with my sister healed some of the hurts, the splintering between Brian and Tim pretty much ended the closeness our families had once developed.  Another family moved in that had children close in age and their world became the rich, lucky one that was peopled with C---s.

On June 15, Tim, now 28 years old, was killed in a head-on collision with a drunk driver who was going the wrong way on the highway.  It was an awful, stupid, unfair injustice to a family I often wish would have stayed forever as they had in my childhood.  I attended the memorial service yesterday at the local church.  I learned about life for Tim in the years since he and Brian were no longer inseparable.  Life had been cruel to the boy I knew.  He suffered.  More than he--more than anyone--deserved.

Hearing the family speak about their loss was powerful.  They are all such amazing people.  And I felt my own loss--not for the boy who was dead--but for the man he had been.  The man I had never known.  The man who was once a boy I thought would be part of my life forever and then wasn't.  And now, I suppose, never will be.

My life is richer, I am a better person for having a childhood filled with the C---s.  But now, I don't want that to be the end of the story.  I want to reach out.  I want to make a bridge across the years and be there for the family.  And I don't know how, or if it would even be welcomed, in their grief.  All I know is that I will try.  I plan to summarize my thoughts I've shared here in a letter.

And maybe I will add them as friends on Facebook...