I had a really great day on Monday, and then I got sick--feverish, headachey, generally blah. I've been dragging since then, taking Tylenol as needed to ward off the fever and the headache. Meanwhile, Min Gi's got his follow-up procedure scheduled for Monday (finally), but that means I've had to be more supportive and whatnot with the doctors' appointments and procedure prep. On top of that, I've been in paperwork filing mode with all the insurance and address changes that come with the move, anticipation of family change, and the new job. Stress is no fun.
Relief is in sight for next week, though, so I remain hopeful that I can get back into my healthy routine. I've also discovered Amy's Kitchen organic frozen meals. They are pricier than regular frozen meals (still less than eating out), but they taste so much better and are all vegetarian (many are even vegan), so I don't have to read ingredient lists if I don't want to (but the organic focus means that I actually understand all of the ingredients on the lists--surprise, surprise...). All the ones I've tried so far have been really, really good. For weeks like this where it's all I can do to get out of bed, I think this may be a reasonable compromise.
I'm hoping all goes well tomorrow and that next week is a better week where I get to sleep for at least 12 hours straight--you only think I'm kidding.
Sunday, August 14, 2011
Saturday, August 6, 2011
Project 30, Derailed. Health Goals.
Well, naturally, the day after I turned 30, I found out I was pregnant. Which is great. But losing 30lbs and dropping $30,000 debt? Not going to happen this year. Try gaining 30lbs and adding debt from a recent, significant purchase (to-be-blogged-next, along with a re-assessment of my financial goals).
My health goals have changed temporarily to focus on improving health for optimal health of the child and in preparation of delivery. I tried to do this before I went on vacation last month, but I should have known that was a doomed-to-fail endeavor since I was in transitional mode. However, I moved last week to a new place and am pretty settled into a routine with my new job/location. Sure, that will all be uprooted in four months when I have an infant, but for now I'm in a good place to work on some goal-setting.
So, then, health goals for August:
1. Exercise: 4-5 days/week, building up to about 60 minutes per session by the end of the month.
Last week, I joined a local gym with a pool and set a goal of swimming 4 times/week. I met that goal and am continuing it, while building up the number of laps I swim each session. I started out swimming 20 laps in 20 minutes (do NOT mock the slowness... I am coming back from months and months of lack of regular exercise). I'm up to about 40 minutes and 40ish laps each time. I would like to achieve swimming 50ish laps in 45 minutes each session by the end of the month and add in 2-3 days/week of also using the elliptical (either before the pool or on another day) for about 15 minutes at a time. I am working up to this slowly and building my strength/endurance right now.
The results? It's amazing! I'm having almost no pregnancy-related pains now (some aches from muscle building, but nothing like the back/leg cramping I was having the last couple weeks before the move that kind of killed the walking routine I was trying to turn into a habit). It's also helped the heartburn that was beginning (there is less of it) and has kept my weight gain a bit more reasonable. I really like this pool and my hours make it easy to go at a time when there are very few people there who don't work there (between 10am and noon). I have a ways to go as I build my time up this month, but I'm definitely on my way!
Also, I am tracking my daily exercise in a spreadsheet so can see the progress. It's nice.
2. Nutrition: Stop eating out and cook at home, already!
Now that I've moved in, I need to get back into meal planning and bringing dinner with me to work instead of relying on fast food. It's hard to do this because I'm adjusting to a whole new rhythm of life at home that contends with a lot more than just my and my husband's needs. I've decided as a baby step, I'm going to allow myself to rely on frozen meals for work dinners. I'll even let myself splurge on Amy's brand (the all-organic, unfortunately expensive one) because it's still better than stopping for Burger King or McDs on the way home or ordering pizza/Chinese at the hotline because I get a sudden craving.
The second part of my plan to cut back on fast food and dining out is to bring fruit with me every day to work. Sometimes I don't want a whole meal, but I do need to bring healthy snacks. Maybe yogurt, too. That's probably a good idea.
So... the goal for this month then? No more food from outside the home for just me. Dates with the husband or pizza with my dad after sailing or lunch/coffee with a friend are ok, but those are not frequent events, really. The daily drive thru habit I developed in conjunction with working? That needs to go. Like yesterday.
I did better with this today (since I decided on it today), but I need to make it a top health priority now, and I can only do this through good planning to break a bad habit.
I was going to put a third goal in there, but realized that two is probably good for a focused start. I'll post more about how they are coming along during the month and review at the end of August as well as setting two new goals for myself. Yay goals!
My health goals have changed temporarily to focus on improving health for optimal health of the child and in preparation of delivery. I tried to do this before I went on vacation last month, but I should have known that was a doomed-to-fail endeavor since I was in transitional mode. However, I moved last week to a new place and am pretty settled into a routine with my new job/location. Sure, that will all be uprooted in four months when I have an infant, but for now I'm in a good place to work on some goal-setting.
So, then, health goals for August:
1. Exercise: 4-5 days/week, building up to about 60 minutes per session by the end of the month.
Last week, I joined a local gym with a pool and set a goal of swimming 4 times/week. I met that goal and am continuing it, while building up the number of laps I swim each session. I started out swimming 20 laps in 20 minutes (do NOT mock the slowness... I am coming back from months and months of lack of regular exercise). I'm up to about 40 minutes and 40ish laps each time. I would like to achieve swimming 50ish laps in 45 minutes each session by the end of the month and add in 2-3 days/week of also using the elliptical (either before the pool or on another day) for about 15 minutes at a time. I am working up to this slowly and building my strength/endurance right now.
The results? It's amazing! I'm having almost no pregnancy-related pains now (some aches from muscle building, but nothing like the back/leg cramping I was having the last couple weeks before the move that kind of killed the walking routine I was trying to turn into a habit). It's also helped the heartburn that was beginning (there is less of it) and has kept my weight gain a bit more reasonable. I really like this pool and my hours make it easy to go at a time when there are very few people there who don't work there (between 10am and noon). I have a ways to go as I build my time up this month, but I'm definitely on my way!
Also, I am tracking my daily exercise in a spreadsheet so can see the progress. It's nice.
2. Nutrition: Stop eating out and cook at home, already!
Now that I've moved in, I need to get back into meal planning and bringing dinner with me to work instead of relying on fast food. It's hard to do this because I'm adjusting to a whole new rhythm of life at home that contends with a lot more than just my and my husband's needs. I've decided as a baby step, I'm going to allow myself to rely on frozen meals for work dinners. I'll even let myself splurge on Amy's brand (the all-organic, unfortunately expensive one) because it's still better than stopping for Burger King or McDs on the way home or ordering pizza/Chinese at the hotline because I get a sudden craving.
The second part of my plan to cut back on fast food and dining out is to bring fruit with me every day to work. Sometimes I don't want a whole meal, but I do need to bring healthy snacks. Maybe yogurt, too. That's probably a good idea.
So... the goal for this month then? No more food from outside the home for just me. Dates with the husband or pizza with my dad after sailing or lunch/coffee with a friend are ok, but those are not frequent events, really. The daily drive thru habit I developed in conjunction with working? That needs to go. Like yesterday.
I did better with this today (since I decided on it today), but I need to make it a top health priority now, and I can only do this through good planning to break a bad habit.
I was going to put a third goal in there, but realized that two is probably good for a focused start. I'll post more about how they are coming along during the month and review at the end of August as well as setting two new goals for myself. Yay goals!
Friday, July 29, 2011
Korean Life Memories
My Korean Aboji and the feast my Korean Ohmoni prepared to say goodbye
Part of the reason for my last post about missing Korea is that I've been going through all the photos I never got around to uploading in the last year (wow... have I really been neglecting my blog that badly?). I found some photos from cooking adventures and goodbye trips in the last few weeks of my final summer in Korea.
An old Korean War helipad at Waryong-san in Daegu.
Some of these were taken by Min Gi on his camera phone.
With my good friend Jina at Donghwasa on a rainy afternoon.
You can check out the full album at Picasa, as usual linked below:
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| Life in Korea. |
Saturday, July 23, 2011
Missing...
... I realized today that when I say I miss Korea, I don't only mean the country itself or even the cultural peculiarities of the land of kimchi, mountains, and fan death. I don't mean that I miss my job at TFLHS, which I missed sharply this year. Of course, I also miss the people I associate with my life in Korea, even though many of them no longer actually live there (or live in another city), but that's not even entirely what I mean.
I think sometimes that when I say I miss Korea, I really miss who I was while I was living in Korea.
I'm not saying I'm a dramatically different person in America--I'm largely the same. However, I behave differently and respond to my environment differently. I even think differently sometimes. In Korea, I felt like I was more adventurous, more interesting, and more inspired. I felt shiny. Powerful.
Living in another country has a certain freedom to it. There is the freedom of not belonging, and it being just fine and dandy to not fully belong. Here, when I feel like I don't belong, it's more painful and lonely. There is the freedom from conventions. Adhering to neither Korean culture nor American culture fully was expected of me, and therefore I could pick and choose quite comfortably.
Also, I was challenged most days in a way that excited and inspired me. I always had something I wanted to write about. I saw lots of things I wanted to photograph. I experimented with foods and local travel more than I'm inclined to do in the area I grew up. I tried new classes and sports and hobbies for the heck of it.
I know, I know. I could do those things here, too. After all, these qualities are not in Korea, but in me. I just feel like I'd have to work harder to be inspired in that way. I have to look for the exotic and interesting in the mundane and everyday grind.
The depression I was in for much of this last year has colored my impression of my ability to explore and be inspired in America. Now that I'm out of it, past the culture shock, and happy with my life again, I'm starting to feel like I want to do the work I know is necessary to live this way. Living in my home country just feels a bit encumbered sometimes is all.
I think sometimes that when I say I miss Korea, I really miss who I was while I was living in Korea.
I'm not saying I'm a dramatically different person in America--I'm largely the same. However, I behave differently and respond to my environment differently. I even think differently sometimes. In Korea, I felt like I was more adventurous, more interesting, and more inspired. I felt shiny. Powerful.
Living in another country has a certain freedom to it. There is the freedom of not belonging, and it being just fine and dandy to not fully belong. Here, when I feel like I don't belong, it's more painful and lonely. There is the freedom from conventions. Adhering to neither Korean culture nor American culture fully was expected of me, and therefore I could pick and choose quite comfortably.
Also, I was challenged most days in a way that excited and inspired me. I always had something I wanted to write about. I saw lots of things I wanted to photograph. I experimented with foods and local travel more than I'm inclined to do in the area I grew up. I tried new classes and sports and hobbies for the heck of it.
I know, I know. I could do those things here, too. After all, these qualities are not in Korea, but in me. I just feel like I'd have to work harder to be inspired in that way. I have to look for the exotic and interesting in the mundane and everyday grind.
The depression I was in for much of this last year has colored my impression of my ability to explore and be inspired in America. Now that I'm out of it, past the culture shock, and happy with my life again, I'm starting to feel like I want to do the work I know is necessary to live this way. Living in my home country just feels a bit encumbered sometimes is all.
Wednesday, July 20, 2011
Pregnancy Dreams
People were NOT kidding about how vivid and strange the dreams are when you're expecting. I've had some so real that I woke up furious with Min Gi for offenses he had no idea ever even could have happened. For example, one night I dreamed he won a small lottery of $1,900. He was happy and wanted to use some of the money to celebrate at a bar with his friends. I said that's fine.
Well, the man ran up a $2,500 bar tab! He had bought everyone rounds and purchased some very pricey hard liquor and when all was said and done, we were in the hole $600. I was just so mad at him when I woke up.
I've had dreams of being a secret agent, a man, about childhood friends I no longer speak to, about living in countries all over the world... It's been exhausting.
Well, the man ran up a $2,500 bar tab! He had bought everyone rounds and purchased some very pricey hard liquor and when all was said and done, we were in the hole $600. I was just so mad at him when I woke up.
I've had dreams of being a secret agent, a man, about childhood friends I no longer speak to, about living in countries all over the world... It's been exhausting.
Tuesday, July 19, 2011
It's a...
...boy!
This sonogram was by far the coolest thing I've experienced so far with my health care during pregnancy. Not only did we find out the gender, but the technician walked us through how the anatomy was developing and we got lots and lots of pictures (including some 3-D) of the little fella in utero. He looks like a tiny old man--all crinkly and bald with his eyes all squinty.
But it was all good news. Everything looks healthy and normal. He's an active guy, squirming around a bunch and licking his arm and crossing and uncrossing his legs and whatnot. But they could see the developing heart and bones and kidneys and brain and everything. He weighs about 14 oz right now and they adjusted my due date to November 30 based on the measurements from today. They also checked my cervix length (longer is better and mine's well above average).
Min Gi was super excited about the whole thing. He loved watching the baby move around and seeing the different angles. When I get to a scanner, I'll share some with you guys, but for now, I'm just spreading the news. Welcome to our baby boy.
This sonogram was by far the coolest thing I've experienced so far with my health care during pregnancy. Not only did we find out the gender, but the technician walked us through how the anatomy was developing and we got lots and lots of pictures (including some 3-D) of the little fella in utero. He looks like a tiny old man--all crinkly and bald with his eyes all squinty.
But it was all good news. Everything looks healthy and normal. He's an active guy, squirming around a bunch and licking his arm and crossing and uncrossing his legs and whatnot. But they could see the developing heart and bones and kidneys and brain and everything. He weighs about 14 oz right now and they adjusted my due date to November 30 based on the measurements from today. They also checked my cervix length (longer is better and mine's well above average).
Min Gi was super excited about the whole thing. He loved watching the baby move around and seeing the different angles. When I get to a scanner, I'll share some with you guys, but for now, I'm just spreading the news. Welcome to our baby boy.
Monday, July 18, 2011
Overwhelmed? Just start...
Ok, so I really am ready to begin again with this blogging thing, but I'm having some troubles because I'm overwhelmed with where to begin, how on earth to play catch-up to my satisfaction, and the urgent desire to make whatever I'm posting extremely worthy of reading to those of you who have been waiting for my return (you know... all five of you, including Mom and Dad).
And I guess instead of worrying about all of the blogging "tasks" I want to do, I should just start by posting an honest admission that I am overwhelmed. And then... to just begin.
So here I am. Hello. Welcome back, Diana.
I watched the final Harry Potter film today and wept like a little baby from about the point of Snape's remembrances to the end. 'Cause I'm an emotional slob like that.
I will not promise mind-blowing posting of epic proportions because I'm just going to try a little experiment for now. I'm going to write something here. Everyday. Even if I think it is stupid. Hopefully I will eventually have some stuff up and going again that is NOT stupid.
I'll share today that last night, I felt the first really good kick from Peanut. I'm about halfway through the pregnancy and that flipping, weirdo feeling in my abdomen just made the whole thing Real. Which is very exciting. Scary, as I've said before, but I'm now much more positive and excited about the whole thing. Especially since all the job stuff is worked out (for me... Min Gi is a whole other story), and I'm pretty settled into my new position. I'm also moving in a week. I will explain more on that, I promise, but that's in that category of Overwhelming that I'm currently avoiding.
So for now, I will go back to my homemade pizza dough that is rising (yes, I make my own pizza dough now... see? A lot has happened since I've been a non-presence in my blog own world), and to the episodes of SYTYCD in my Hulu queue (yes, I still am madly in love with that show), and think about the fact that I MIGHT know Peanut's gender by this time tomorrow.
How are all of you?
And I guess instead of worrying about all of the blogging "tasks" I want to do, I should just start by posting an honest admission that I am overwhelmed. And then... to just begin.
So here I am. Hello. Welcome back, Diana.
I watched the final Harry Potter film today and wept like a little baby from about the point of Snape's remembrances to the end. 'Cause I'm an emotional slob like that.
I will not promise mind-blowing posting of epic proportions because I'm just going to try a little experiment for now. I'm going to write something here. Everyday. Even if I think it is stupid. Hopefully I will eventually have some stuff up and going again that is NOT stupid.
I'll share today that last night, I felt the first really good kick from Peanut. I'm about halfway through the pregnancy and that flipping, weirdo feeling in my abdomen just made the whole thing Real. Which is very exciting. Scary, as I've said before, but I'm now much more positive and excited about the whole thing. Especially since all the job stuff is worked out (for me... Min Gi is a whole other story), and I'm pretty settled into my new position. I'm also moving in a week. I will explain more on that, I promise, but that's in that category of Overwhelming that I'm currently avoiding.
So for now, I will go back to my homemade pizza dough that is rising (yes, I make my own pizza dough now... see? A lot has happened since I've been a non-presence in my blog own world), and to the episodes of SYTYCD in my Hulu queue (yes, I still am madly in love with that show), and think about the fact that I MIGHT know Peanut's gender by this time tomorrow.
How are all of you?
Friday, July 1, 2011
Project 30: Vacation Health Goals
Tomorrow I leave for Martha's Vineyard (again) for a much anticipated vacation that was planned before I found out I was pregnant or decided to quit my job as a teacher. Although vacations tend to not advance monetary goals, Min Gi and I have taken some steps to limit the wild spending spree that can accompany travel by planning ahead for cooking in the house we're renting and scoping out cheap/free activities to do on the island. My sister, her boyfriend, and some of the friends that are accompanying us are also trying to economize, so we'll at least have good company.
That said, I'm not going to let financial concerns stop me from having a good time. This may well be our last long trip as a twosome for a bit, and I plan to enjoy it thoroughly. I can let money worries overwhelm me at times, but the reality is that we've come up with a new way to once again cut our housing expenses in half to survive on my reduced income (more about that when we come back from the trip), and because I opted for the summer-pay option when I was teaching, I'm essentially bringing in double pay right now. So even though I'm worried about the future and baby expenses, we're not in all that terrible of a position. I need to chill about it.
Every week, I'm going to set some health goals in an attempt to improve my general health and make my labor/birth easier. I'll try to reflect on how they went when I set new ones. Since I'll be on vacation this week, my goals will be simple:
1) Drink at least 8 glasses of water each day. (Pregnancy makes me thirsty; it's hot out and I'm getting some dehydration easily). I will bring a refillable bottle to take around with me to assist in this process.
2) Do 2 sets of "pregnancy" exercises each day: squats, Kegels, cat stretch, and wall stretch. (I should be getting plenty of activity this week, but I need to start doing these recommended things for the next few months to improve strength and flexibility where I need it).
I'm going to start recording water consumption and activity this week in a journal (hopefully food journaling will be a goal for next week). I'll let you know how I did with these two goals next Friday.
That said, I'm not going to let financial concerns stop me from having a good time. This may well be our last long trip as a twosome for a bit, and I plan to enjoy it thoroughly. I can let money worries overwhelm me at times, but the reality is that we've come up with a new way to once again cut our housing expenses in half to survive on my reduced income (more about that when we come back from the trip), and because I opted for the summer-pay option when I was teaching, I'm essentially bringing in double pay right now. So even though I'm worried about the future and baby expenses, we're not in all that terrible of a position. I need to chill about it.
Every week, I'm going to set some health goals in an attempt to improve my general health and make my labor/birth easier. I'll try to reflect on how they went when I set new ones. Since I'll be on vacation this week, my goals will be simple:
1) Drink at least 8 glasses of water each day. (Pregnancy makes me thirsty; it's hot out and I'm getting some dehydration easily). I will bring a refillable bottle to take around with me to assist in this process.
2) Do 2 sets of "pregnancy" exercises each day: squats, Kegels, cat stretch, and wall stretch. (I should be getting plenty of activity this week, but I need to start doing these recommended things for the next few months to improve strength and flexibility where I need it).
I'm going to start recording water consumption and activity this week in a journal (hopefully food journaling will be a goal for next week). I'll let you know how I did with these two goals next Friday.
Wednesday, June 22, 2011
What I Learned from a Bad Job...
I don't want to get into the specifics of the problems I had teaching this year for many reasons, but I would like to give myself some closure on my blog before I move on into the much more hopeful future that awaits me. My last day with students was last Friday, and I cleaned out my classroom on Monday. So now that I've finished and can finally breathe and feel like myself for the first time in MONTHS, here are some things I learned about myself while enduring this year:
...
1. If you are dissatisfied in your work to the point that you must medicate, it deeply affects your self-esteem and self-image.
2. There is a double-edged sword to the job security that a teaching job provides in that it lacks flexibility. The consequences for quitting before the end of a contract are extreme.
3. It is hard to be a generous, caring, understanding partner when you are profoundly depressed. Corollary: My marriage is worth more than my career. I need to be reminded of this one sometimes.
4. Bureaucracy can be more than a nuisance that you must rise above; it can make it impossible to do what you are supposed to do.
5. Not all problems in education can be solved or overcome by the hard work and dedication of a single teacher. Not even most of the problems in education can be solved that way. Believing this is naive.
Much of my idealism about teaching (an especially about public schools) and my faith in my own abilities as a teacher have been blown up this year. I have taught successfully in many situations and many different groups for six years, but this one year at a school that was a bad fit for me (to use the politically correct phrasing), has made me question all of my previous accomplishments. I am not a person who backs down when facing a challenge or gives up easily, but this year just knocked the crap out of me. I will not return to teaching again until I have had enough time to reflect on this. I do hope that I one day decide to try again, and that the fear that I'm no longer capable of teaching students does not prove to win the day. But I do not know.
For now, I'm loving my new job at the hotline, looking forward to a vacation over the July 4th holiday, buying big clothes for the expanding belly, and updating this blog about my recent and planned adventures. That's right--I'm back, baby!
...
1. If you are dissatisfied in your work to the point that you must medicate, it deeply affects your self-esteem and self-image.
2. There is a double-edged sword to the job security that a teaching job provides in that it lacks flexibility. The consequences for quitting before the end of a contract are extreme.
3. It is hard to be a generous, caring, understanding partner when you are profoundly depressed. Corollary: My marriage is worth more than my career. I need to be reminded of this one sometimes.
4. Bureaucracy can be more than a nuisance that you must rise above; it can make it impossible to do what you are supposed to do.
5. Not all problems in education can be solved or overcome by the hard work and dedication of a single teacher. Not even most of the problems in education can be solved that way. Believing this is naive.
Much of my idealism about teaching (an especially about public schools) and my faith in my own abilities as a teacher have been blown up this year. I have taught successfully in many situations and many different groups for six years, but this one year at a school that was a bad fit for me (to use the politically correct phrasing), has made me question all of my previous accomplishments. I am not a person who backs down when facing a challenge or gives up easily, but this year just knocked the crap out of me. I will not return to teaching again until I have had enough time to reflect on this. I do hope that I one day decide to try again, and that the fear that I'm no longer capable of teaching students does not prove to win the day. But I do not know.
For now, I'm loving my new job at the hotline, looking forward to a vacation over the July 4th holiday, buying big clothes for the expanding belly, and updating this blog about my recent and planned adventures. That's right--I'm back, baby!
Wednesday, June 1, 2011
Life's Little Changes
Yesterday, I heard the very fast, tinny heartbeat of my thirteenish-week-old soon-to-be baby at the OB's office on something that I swear she called a Doppler radar.
I know what you're thinking--I'm about to run off into a sloppy, sentimental tear-jerker about how joyous and bubbly I am at the thought of giving birth to my "little miracle" as the literature on classes offered by the local hospital likes to call it. But you're wrong.
Being pregnant has been a hell of a ride. Besides the hormonal rages, exhaustion that felt like when I had mono in college, and ongoing battle with morning sickness that could only be made tolerable by the use of acupressure wristbands, the emotional shock to my system is jarring. As I enter the second trimester and the physical nastiness is subsiding, those emotional issues have nothing left to hide behind.
I'm experiencing a kind of raw vulnerability unlike anything I've ever known in my life. I can't plan or predict or adequately prepare for the reality of motherhood--the very concept is beyond me.
Every decision, no matter how mundane or trivial before, is now being made as if under the bright hot lights of a police interrogation room. Are you sure you want to get the ant traps with chemicals? They could cause birth defects, right? And let's not even get into the career-path choices I'm dealing with at the same time. (Why oh why are you switching to a career earning $20K less per year than your already underpaid profession???)
But it's not even my own decisions that are killer. I can control those. Own them. It's the decisions other people in my life make, like my husband, that are impossible to handle.
I have to rely on people, especially Min Gi; I'm only just now beginning to fathom the extent to which I cannot control the actions and behaviors of others. This loss of control at a time when I need it the most to shape and form the best life for this future person growing inside me is unbearable. Now, I know I'm a control freak. And I've learned by and large to let go of this less attractive side of my personality over time, but it's rearing its ugly head with a fiery vengeance in the wake of the terror at the responsibility I am about to assume.
Don't get me wrong here; I want to have children. Min Gi is excited and bubbly about it. I have a lot of support from family and friends and current and future employers. But I think this glowy-happy-angelic view we have of pregnancy only makes those of us (and I suspect there are more of you out there than will admit it) with some ambivalence feel alone. Isolated. Abandoned.
The combination of the fear, isolation, and loss of control is not pretty. I'm fighting. With my mom. With Min Gi. With my friends. With myself. I look at myself and see not a grown woman capable of raising a child with joy and poise, but a scared little girl that needs tending but fights back at everyone who tries to get in to help.
I hesitate to post this to my blog (which not that many people still read... thankfully) because of the public nature of the forum and knowing (hoping) that these feelings are temporary and will be overcome and replaced by others of a more positive and possibly nausea-inducing sugar-coated variety. But I hope that both in revealing the pregnancy and in discussing the feelings I have about it honestly, I might be able to pull myself through it a bit faster. And maybe, just maybe, make those of you feeling something similar less afraid to reach out and talk to someone about it.
I know what you're thinking--I'm about to run off into a sloppy, sentimental tear-jerker about how joyous and bubbly I am at the thought of giving birth to my "little miracle" as the literature on classes offered by the local hospital likes to call it. But you're wrong.
Being pregnant has been a hell of a ride. Besides the hormonal rages, exhaustion that felt like when I had mono in college, and ongoing battle with morning sickness that could only be made tolerable by the use of acupressure wristbands, the emotional shock to my system is jarring. As I enter the second trimester and the physical nastiness is subsiding, those emotional issues have nothing left to hide behind.
I'm experiencing a kind of raw vulnerability unlike anything I've ever known in my life. I can't plan or predict or adequately prepare for the reality of motherhood--the very concept is beyond me.
Every decision, no matter how mundane or trivial before, is now being made as if under the bright hot lights of a police interrogation room. Are you sure you want to get the ant traps with chemicals? They could cause birth defects, right? And let's not even get into the career-path choices I'm dealing with at the same time. (Why oh why are you switching to a career earning $20K less per year than your already underpaid profession???)
But it's not even my own decisions that are killer. I can control those. Own them. It's the decisions other people in my life make, like my husband, that are impossible to handle.
I have to rely on people, especially Min Gi; I'm only just now beginning to fathom the extent to which I cannot control the actions and behaviors of others. This loss of control at a time when I need it the most to shape and form the best life for this future person growing inside me is unbearable. Now, I know I'm a control freak. And I've learned by and large to let go of this less attractive side of my personality over time, but it's rearing its ugly head with a fiery vengeance in the wake of the terror at the responsibility I am about to assume.
Don't get me wrong here; I want to have children. Min Gi is excited and bubbly about it. I have a lot of support from family and friends and current and future employers. But I think this glowy-happy-angelic view we have of pregnancy only makes those of us (and I suspect there are more of you out there than will admit it) with some ambivalence feel alone. Isolated. Abandoned.
The combination of the fear, isolation, and loss of control is not pretty. I'm fighting. With my mom. With Min Gi. With my friends. With myself. I look at myself and see not a grown woman capable of raising a child with joy and poise, but a scared little girl that needs tending but fights back at everyone who tries to get in to help.
I hesitate to post this to my blog (which not that many people still read... thankfully) because of the public nature of the forum and knowing (hoping) that these feelings are temporary and will be overcome and replaced by others of a more positive and possibly nausea-inducing sugar-coated variety. But I hope that both in revealing the pregnancy and in discussing the feelings I have about it honestly, I might be able to pull myself through it a bit faster. And maybe, just maybe, make those of you feeling something similar less afraid to reach out and talk to someone about it.
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