Missing...

... I realized today that when I say I miss Korea, I don't only mean the country itself or even the cultural peculiarities of the land of kimchi, mountains, and fan death.  I don't mean that I miss my job at TFLHS, which I missed sharply this year.  Of course, I also miss the people I associate with my life in Korea, even though many of them no longer actually live there (or live in another city), but that's not even entirely what I mean.
I think sometimes that when I say I miss Korea, I really miss who I was while I was living in Korea.

I'm not saying I'm a dramatically different person in America--I'm largely the same.  However, I behave differently and respond to my environment differently.  I even think differently sometimes.  In Korea, I felt like I was more adventurous, more interesting, and more inspired.  I felt shiny.  Powerful.

Living in another country has a certain freedom to it.  There is the freedom of not belonging, and it being just fine and dandy to not fully belong.  Here, when I feel like I don't belong, it's more painful and lonely.  There is the freedom from conventions.  Adhering to neither Korean culture nor American culture fully was expected of me, and therefore I could pick and choose quite comfortably.

Also, I was challenged most days in a way that excited and inspired me.  I always had something I wanted to write about.  I saw lots of things I wanted to photograph.  I experimented with foods and local travel more than I'm inclined to do in the area I grew up.  I tried new classes and sports and hobbies for the heck of it.

I know, I know.  I could do those things here, too.  After all, these qualities are not in Korea, but in me.  I just feel like I'd have to work harder to be inspired in that way.  I have to look for the exotic and interesting in the mundane and everyday grind.

The depression I was in for much of this last year has colored my impression of my ability to explore and be inspired in America.  Now that I'm out of it, past the culture shock, and happy with my life again, I'm starting to feel like I want to do the work I know is necessary to live this way.  Living in my home country just feels a bit encumbered sometimes is all.

Pregnancy Dreams

People were NOT kidding about how vivid and strange the dreams are when you're expecting.  I've had some so real that I woke up furious with Min Gi for offenses he had no idea ever even could have happened.  For example, one night I dreamed he won a small lottery of $1,900.  He was happy and wanted to use some of the money to celebrate at a bar with his friends.  I said that's fine.

Well, the man ran up a $2,500 bar tab!  He had bought everyone rounds and purchased some very pricey hard liquor and when all was said and done, we were in the hole $600.  I was just so mad at him when I woke up.

I've had dreams of being a secret agent, a man, about childhood friends I no longer speak to, about living in countries all over the world...  It's been exhausting.

It's a...

...boy!

This sonogram was by far the coolest thing I've experienced so far with my health care during pregnancy.  Not only did we find out the gender, but the technician walked us through how the anatomy was developing and we got lots and lots of pictures (including some 3-D) of the little fella in utero.  He looks like a tiny old man--all crinkly and bald with his eyes all squinty.

But it was all good news.  Everything looks healthy and normal.  He's an active guy, squirming around a bunch and licking his arm and crossing and uncrossing his legs and whatnot.  But they could see the developing heart and bones and kidneys and brain and everything.  He weighs about 14 oz right now and they adjusted my due date to November 30 based on the measurements from today.  They also checked my cervix length (longer is better and mine's well above average).

Min Gi was super excited about the whole thing.  He loved watching the baby move around and seeing the different angles.  When I get to a scanner, I'll share some with you guys, but for now, I'm just spreading the news.  Welcome to our baby boy.

Overwhelmed? Just start...

Ok, so I really am ready to begin again with this blogging thing, but I'm having some troubles because I'm overwhelmed with where to begin, how on earth to play catch-up to my satisfaction, and the urgent desire to make whatever I'm posting extremely worthy of reading to those of you who have been waiting for my return (you know... all five of you, including Mom and Dad).

And I guess instead of worrying about all of the blogging "tasks" I want to do, I should just start by posting an honest admission that I am overwhelmed.  And then... to just begin.

So here I am.  Hello.  Welcome back, Diana.

I watched the final Harry Potter film today and wept like a little baby from about the point of Snape's remembrances to the end.  'Cause I'm an emotional slob like that.

I will not promise mind-blowing posting of epic proportions because I'm just going to try a little experiment for now.  I'm going to write something here.  Everyday.  Even if I think it is stupid.  Hopefully I will eventually have some stuff up and going again that is NOT stupid.

I'll share today that last night, I felt the first really good kick from Peanut.  I'm about halfway through the pregnancy and that flipping, weirdo feeling in my abdomen just made the whole thing Real.  Which is very exciting.  Scary, as I've said before, but I'm now much more positive and excited about the whole thing.  Especially since all the job stuff is worked out (for me... Min Gi is a whole other story), and I'm pretty settled into my new position.  I'm also moving in a week.  I will explain more on that, I promise, but that's in that category of Overwhelming that I'm currently avoiding.

So for now, I will go back to my homemade pizza dough that is rising (yes, I make my own pizza dough now... see?  A lot has happened since I've been a non-presence in my blog own world), and to the episodes of SYTYCD in my Hulu queue (yes, I still am madly in love with that show), and think about the fact that I MIGHT know Peanut's gender by this time tomorrow.

How are all of you?

Project 30: Vacation Health Goals

Tomorrow I leave for Martha's Vineyard (again) for a much anticipated vacation that was planned before I found out I was pregnant or decided to quit my job as a teacher.  Although vacations tend to not advance monetary goals, Min Gi and I have taken some steps to limit the wild spending spree that can accompany travel by planning ahead for cooking in the house we're renting and scoping out cheap/free activities to do on the island.  My sister, her boyfriend, and some of the friends that are accompanying us are also trying to economize, so we'll at least have good company.

That said, I'm not going to let financial concerns stop me from having a good time.  This may well be our last long trip as a twosome for a bit, and I plan to enjoy it thoroughly.  I can let money worries overwhelm me at times, but the reality is that we've come up with a new way to once again cut our housing expenses in half to survive on my reduced income (more about that when we come back from the trip), and because I opted for the summer-pay option when I was teaching, I'm essentially bringing in double pay right now.  So even though I'm worried about the future and baby expenses, we're not in all that terrible of a position.  I need to chill about it.

Every week, I'm going to set some health goals in an attempt to improve my general health and make my labor/birth easier.  I'll try to reflect on how they went when I set new ones.  Since I'll be on vacation this week, my goals will be simple:

1)  Drink at least 8 glasses of water each day.  (Pregnancy makes me thirsty; it's hot out and I'm getting some dehydration easily).  I will bring a refillable bottle to take around with me to assist in this process.
2)  Do 2 sets of "pregnancy" exercises each day: squats, Kegels, cat stretch, and wall stretch.  (I should be getting plenty of activity this week, but I need to start doing these recommended things for the next few months to improve strength and flexibility where I need it).

I'm going to start recording water consumption and activity this week in a journal (hopefully food journaling will be a goal for next week).  I'll let you know how I did with these two goals next Friday.

What I Learned from a Bad Job...

I don't want to get into the specifics of the problems I had teaching this year for many reasons, but I would like to give myself some closure on my blog before I move on into the much more hopeful future that awaits me.  My last day with students was last Friday, and I cleaned out my classroom on Monday.  So now that I've finished and can finally breathe and feel like myself for the first time in MONTHS, here are some things I learned about myself while enduring this year:
...

1.  If you are dissatisfied in your work to the point that you must medicate, it deeply affects your self-esteem and self-image.

2.  There is a double-edged sword to the job security that a teaching job provides in that it lacks flexibility.  The consequences for quitting before the end of a contract are extreme.

3.  It is hard to be a generous, caring, understanding partner when you are profoundly depressed.  Corollary:  My marriage is worth more than my career.  I need to be reminded of this one sometimes.

4.  Bureaucracy can be more than a nuisance that you must rise above; it can make it impossible to do what you are supposed to do.

5.  Not all problems in education can be solved or overcome by the hard work and dedication of a single teacher.  Not even most of the problems in education can be solved that way.  Believing this is naive.

Much of my idealism about teaching (an especially about public schools) and my faith in my own abilities as a teacher have been blown up this year.  I have taught successfully in many situations and many different groups for six years, but this one year at a school that was a bad fit for me (to use the politically correct phrasing), has made me question all of my previous accomplishments.  I am not a person who backs down when facing a challenge or gives up easily, but this year just knocked the crap out of me.  I will not return to teaching again until I have had enough time to reflect on this.  I do hope that I one day decide to try again, and that the fear that I'm no longer capable of teaching students does not prove to win the day.  But I do not know.

For now, I'm loving my new job at the hotline, looking forward to a vacation over the July 4th holiday, buying big clothes for the expanding belly, and updating this blog about my recent and planned adventures.  That's right--I'm back, baby!

Life's Little Changes

Yesterday, I heard the very fast, tinny heartbeat of my thirteenish-week-old soon-to-be baby at the OB's office on something that I swear she called a Doppler radar.

I know what you're thinking--I'm about to run off into a sloppy, sentimental tear-jerker about how joyous and bubbly I am at the thought of giving birth to my "little miracle" as the literature on classes offered by the local hospital likes to call it.  But you're wrong.

Being pregnant has been a hell of a ride.  Besides the hormonal rages, exhaustion that felt like when I had mono in college, and ongoing battle with morning sickness that could only be made tolerable by the use of acupressure wristbands, the emotional shock to my system is jarring.  As I enter the second trimester and the physical nastiness is subsiding, those emotional issues have nothing left to hide behind.

I'm experiencing a kind of raw vulnerability unlike anything I've ever known in my life.  I can't plan or predict or adequately prepare for the reality of motherhood--the very concept is beyond me.

Every decision, no matter how mundane or trivial before, is now being made as if under the bright hot lights of a police interrogation room.  Are you sure you want to get the ant traps with chemicals?  They could cause birth defects, right?  And let's not even get into the career-path choices I'm dealing with at the same time.  (Why oh why are you switching to a career earning $20K less per year than your already underpaid profession???)

But it's not even my own decisions that are killer.  I can control those.  Own them.  It's the decisions other people in my life make, like my husband, that are impossible to handle.

I have to rely on people, especially Min Gi; I'm only just now beginning to fathom the extent to which I cannot control the actions and behaviors of others.  This loss of control at a time when I need it the most to shape and form the best life for this future person growing inside me is unbearable.  Now, I know I'm a control freak.  And I've learned by and large to let go of this less attractive side of my personality over time, but it's rearing its ugly head with a fiery vengeance in the wake of the terror at the responsibility I am about to assume.

Don't get me wrong here; I want to have children.  Min Gi is excited and bubbly about it.  I have a lot of support from family and friends and current and future employers.  But I think this glowy-happy-angelic view we have of pregnancy only makes those of us (and I suspect there are more of you out there than will admit it) with some ambivalence feel alone.  Isolated.  Abandoned.

The combination of the fear, isolation, and loss of control is not pretty.  I'm fighting.  With my mom.  With Min Gi.  With my friends.  With myself.  I look at myself and see not a grown woman capable of raising a child with joy and poise, but a scared little girl that needs tending but fights back at everyone who tries to get in to help.

I hesitate to post this to my blog (which not that many people still read... thankfully) because of the public nature of the forum and knowing (hoping) that these feelings are temporary and will be overcome and replaced by others of a more positive and possibly nausea-inducing sugar-coated variety.  But I hope that both in revealing the pregnancy and in discussing the feelings I have about it honestly, I might be able to pull myself through it a bit faster.  And maybe, just maybe, make those of you feeling something similar less afraid to reach out and talk to someone about it.

Sick Day; New Career

Why does taking a sick day feel like such a personal defeat?  It's not bad enough that you feel terrible and crappy, but there is something about staying home when you're a teacher and ill that makes you emotionally queasy.  Today I am home ill.  It is not my first sick day, and I'm sure it won't be my last in my life, but I always feel like I'm letting everybody down.  Students, other teachers, admin, the subs... it's all a big mess.  And when you're physically ill, you're not in peak condition to handle the guilt and panic that comes with taking the day off.

Perhaps it would be easier to recover if I didn't have this little cloud of gloom hanging over my head.

Blog, I'm sorry for neglecting you.  Readers, I am more sorry for neglecting you than you can imagine.  I have had to focus on my personal life and refrain from negatively blogging about my professional life for the last few months.  I assure you that I have made a large number of life changes that I will be sharing with you over the next month, but I still have four more weeks in this school year before I can officially out myself on some fronts.

The biggest news I can share is that I have accepted a new full time job at the crisis center/suicide hotline where I currently volunteer.  The position begins immediately after the school year ends and reflects a career change for me--from education to nonprofit/counseling.  I am thrilled to be on board at an agency that provides so much for the community and is comprised of such awesome people.  Part of my position as the evening shift (4pm-12am) supervisor involves assisting/training/supervising volunteers, so I guess I'll still be doing some teaching.

However, one of the biggest perks is that I can begin blogging again.  Teaching is so draining (even when it's good) and time-consuming and this year in particular has been so hard on me emotionally.  I haven't even been reading that much, this is how bad it is.  I have had a few adventures that I've completely failed to blog about since arriving back in the U.S. (lots of sailing trips, some different parks and festivals in the area, and some historic sites).  Now, I will have more time, energy, and desire to both do things around DC and write about them.  I am also eager to throw myself back into the simple living movement.

It will be strange for the first time in seven years to shed the label "teacher."  The job has shaped my life in many ways for most of my young adulthood.  It's even in the current blog banner as one of my key identities.  I'm not sure how I will feel when it is actually shed, but right now I have less ambivalence about it than usual and am simply thrilled not to have to be bogged down by everything that label brings with it--the demands, the martyrdom, the pressure, the villainization by the media, the moral expectations from society...

It's been a long time since I've lived without having to think about how my personal life reflects on my career.  Without clipping my wings before even trying to fly with some things.  I'm not even sure I'm fully aware of the extent to which I've been living with this burden.  In some ways, being a teacher in Korea was freeing of that, but even so I felt a pressure to be a "good" ESL teacher (not too much partying/drinking/Korea bashing--but for me that wasn't really hard).

Not that I'm saying teachers should or must amend their personal lives to suit our narrow view of what teachers "should" and "should not" be allowed to do.  In fact, I believe the opposite.  I've always been frustrated by the martyr (or alternatively, better-than-parents, all-sacrificing, or if you're FOX news, the greedy-lazy-unionized) view of teachers where we are expected to somehow fix all the ills of society without ever demanding anything from it.  Why can't a teacher have a side business of romance novelist?  Why can't she have a blog that expresses negative views about her job in general terms?  Why can't he have a drink in a foreign country without getting fired?  I mean... if the teacher didn't bring it up in class and it doesn't affect the job performance what's wrong with a teacher as a professional writer, as a community participant, as a traveler?  A person who is thoughtful and open on all these fronts would only be a BETTER, not worse, teacher.  But I digress...

Anyhow, although I'm battling a vicious cold today and taking care of my body, I find the need to reflect on why I feel all this pressure and wonder if I'll feel the same mental and emotional pressure about my health at my new job.  I'm pretty sure it won't.

Korea isn't the only country screwing foreign teachers...

When I worked in Korea, one of the "hot topics" that Korean bloggers who were English teachers enjoyed (endlessly) blogging (and complaining) about was how some disreputable and shady hagwons liked to exploit their foreign English teachers and screw them out of money, time, and benefits promised them in contracts or guaranteed by Korean labor law.

Newsflash, children:  Korea isn't the only offender in the screw-the-foreign-teacher game.

My very own employer in the U.S., Prince George's County Public Schools in Maryland, is in hot water for failing to comply with U.S. labor laws regarding paying the visa fees for foreign employees.  In today's Washington Post article by Robert Samuels, "Federal investigation: Pr. George’s owes foreign teachers millions," PGCPS was sanctioned by the Department of Labor on behalf of mostly Filipino teachers recruited for math and science positions.  They were called a "willful violator" of labor law:

School officials recruited the foreign instructors for classes such as math and science that were hard to fill but then required that the teachers cover thousands of dollars in expenses related to getting temporary work visas — expenses that, Labor Department officials said, should have been covered by the system. That violated laws requiring that U.S. and foreign teachers be compensated equally.

Federal officials have labeled the Prince George’s County Public School System a “willful violator’’ of labor laws and could forbid it to get any more temporary work visas, the majority of which were given to educators from the Philippines.

Our defense?  "We didn't know."  It is so like PGCPS to plead incompetence in order to wriggle out of what amounts to a criminal finding.  They are now open to civil lawsuits on the matter.  As if we didn't have enough budget problems.

Now, I will admit that I do not work for the most reputable of counties.  They do not have a history of treating teachers well and frequently have "scandals" at all levels of administration (most recently our County Executive was indicted for corruption and removed from office in February of this year).   There's a reason I'm leaving at the end of this school year and never, ever looking back.

However, it will be hard now for the screwed over EFL worker in Korea to now claim that it would "never" happen back in America.  It just did.

Turned 30.

Today I hit the big 3-0.

The last two months have been pretty awful--entirely because of my job situation.  The stress has made the health portion of Project 30 wildly unsuccessful.  I'm doing something to remedy that, but it is a long and painful process.  As much as teachers are being slammed in the media for unionizing, the flipside of all that "job security" is the difficulty in untangling yourself from it unscathed.  Since I don't want to get into the many problems plaguing public education at this moment, I will update you on some of the positives in my life:

1)  We moved in with Dav to a cute little house in a very suburban neighborhood with walking paths to the nearest grocery store and a backyard deck.  The kitties and the humans in my family love it.

2)  Min Gi got a job at a small liquor store owned by a Korean couple about 15 minutes from our house.  The work is dull, but he's happy to be bringing in money and have something to do during the day.

3)  Since the beginning of the year, we've paid off a little more than $2000 of the debt.  Now that we've moved to a more affordable house and Min Gi has income, this should go even faster.

4)  Although the "missing Korea" pangs are still frequent and overwhelming, the hatred I feel towards my own country has subsided somewhat into a kind of casual acceptance.

So, we're chugging along here.  I've finally been able to start reading again, which helps my sanity a lot.  It's inspiring me to at least *want* to write again, though I can't promise I'll be able to until this job stuff resolves itself.  This may be within the next month if an opportunity pans out--let's hope so!