Do Over / Vicarious Sailing Adventure

I'm calling a "do over" on all of last week. I spent most of the week either angry or worried and doing severely unhealthy things as a result. So I'm starting anew from today. Went for a hike first thing this morning and it feels nice.

Min Gi also was feeling up to joining me. He keeps saying, "My back is back!" It's very silly. But I am quite happy that he's feeling better. It's been a bad week.

***

In other news, my father, brother, dad's co-worker, and brother's friend drove up to Connecticut last week to retrieve the sailboat my dad bought in anticipation of his retirement and sailed it back to Maryland. He has renamed the boat the Katherine Marie in honor of my grandmother. I almost begged to take a week off school to fly back and join them on the three-day trip.



Here's what I missed (written by Dad's co-worker):

No need to hum the tune of Gilligan’s Island… this was a fun adventure…

BOAT:
Lady Beatrice – 2006 Catalina 310

CREW:
Ernie – boat owner & captain
Ernie’s son – Brian
Brian’s friend – John
Mike

START -

April 30: Friday – left Old Bay Marina in Baltimore around 8am and drove to Branford CT, 'Bruce and Johnson Marina' arriving around 3:30pm. Ernie had the Surveyor (Adrian) and a boat delivery captain (Dave) there to verify the boat was “good to go” and to help us with the planning for the journey (particularly – catching the tides correctly). Took the boat out, gave her a ‘sea trial’ to complete the survey, came back in, and Ernie had Dave and Adrian adjust the motor alignment, and we were all set. Ate some dinner at the marina restaurant – which serves excellent lobster bisque. Brian and John returned the rental van and we all spent the night on the boat…

May 1: Saturday morning @ 5:30 – left the marina and motor-sailed down Long Island Sound in the company of a J30. Passed Execution Rock around 1:30pm and arrived at Hell Gate a little after 2:30 – caught the tide just right and zipped through the East River at 11knots racing the J30 the whole way… Saw the Manhattan skyline and the Statue of Liberty (from the water of course) and made our way into NY Harbor – avoiding the shipping traffic. Motor-sailed down NY Harbor (leaving the J30 in our wake) and entered the Atlantic Ocean around 4:30pm.

Motored through the night - rough ride, howling wind coming from the south, 8ft seas..... Don't know how fast the wind was - boat doesn't have wind instruments - but we were motoring about 5 knots dead into the wind (slowing considerably at the bottom of each trough)…

May 2: Sunday – Saw the sunrise over the Atlantic. We were bouncing around so much it was hard to tell how much fuel we really had – the needle went anywhere from nothing to half full, so we did the smart thing and decided to pull into Atlantic City for some diesel. Tied up at Trump Marina @ 8:30am Sunday morning.

BTW - did you know that cigarettes cost $12 in a casino..... Brian found that out!

After fueling, trash disposal, and ice purchase, motored back out. Wind was still on our nose.....made it to Cape May @ 4pm and were tied-up at Utsch's Marina by 4:40pm. Hot showers, cold beer, and hot dinner. Spent the night at the marina sitting out a thunder storm that never came.... The Lucky Bones restaurant in Cape May has good food, but their seafood bisque isn't anywhere near as good as the lobster bisque we had in Branford. While at the marina, we met some guys delivering a Hunter PassageMaker 42 to Norfolk. They too were out in the Atlantic battling the waves – headed to Ocean City MD for a stopover on the way south – but decided to pull into Cape May for a respite (and a change of course – now they were going to go up the Delaware Bay, through the C&D canal, and down the Chesapeake to Norfolk). Two of their crew (Doug & Tom) helped us put on the dodger and bimini – which was much appreciated… The Hunter crew told us they were leaving at 7:30am the next morning and we decided to go out with them.

May 3: Monday – As I was walking back from buying coffee around 6:30am, I saw the Hunter pulling out… so much for leaving together. We left the marina @ 7:45am, exiting via the Cape May canal. Hit the bottom twice in the canal (and the boat only draws 4'10" - not marked very well!) but got off the mud just fine. There was dredge in the middle of the canal – I think they need to do the sides….

Caught the flood tide in the Delaware Bay and motored along between 6 - 7 knots. The wind was howling again, this time on our beam - according the radio, it was 25knots with gusts over 30, so the sails didn't come out.... At some point, the wind died down enough and we rolled out the jib and motor sailed some more, reaching 8.7 knots (woo hoo). We saw a boat motor-sailing coming up behind us (so of course we were now racing). We beat the boat to the C&D entrance… it was the Hunter (that left 1hr 15mins ahead of us). Once we were in the canal, they scooted on by (11 ft more waterline). It was 3:13pm when we entered the C&D. Nice peaceful ride through the C&D – motoring along over 6 knots…

We exited the C&D @ 5:50pm and decided to keep going as fast as we could. Followed the shipping channel down to Poole’s Island, turned right and followed another shipping channel over to Baltimore. Entered Jones Creek around 11pm and were tied up at Old Bay Marina, where Ernie will dock the ‘Lady Beatrice’ (soon to be renamed to ‘Catherine Marie’), by 11:30pm.

Adventure over… I got home a little after 2am Tuesday morning…

STARTED: 5:30am May 1
ENDED: 11:30pm May 3
Non motor-sailing time: approx 1.0 hr in Atlantic City and 15hrs in Cape May

Total time = 66 hrs
Total motor-sailing time = 50 hrs

Brian also took some video of the voyage, including crew interviews. There are four parts on YouTube, but here's the second one:



Well, at least now I have one more good, solid reason to go back to the U.S.

Today did not go as I planned.

This morning, I thought I would go to school, have an easy day of watching my students take midterm exams, and then join my co-workers for a pleasant spring hike at Biseulsan. But that's not what fate had in store for me.

Well, the backache that Min Gi had on Sunday morning turned into a full-blown, crippling spasm that left him unable to move (or stand or sit or lie down for that matter) without excruciating pain. So I spent most of this afternoon and early evening watching my husband curled up in pain in a hospital waiting room (sometimes massaging his aching back to relieve some of the pain) while sick old people watched us wondering what the hell was the deal with the white girl and the young, doubled over Korean guy. The nurses played rock paper scissors so the loser would have to stammer progress updates at me in English (um... did the fact that I responded to you in Korean clue you in that it might be ok to talk to me in Korean?). So, yeah... that was fun.

He seems to be doing better now (mostly thanks to deep breathing and NOT to the hospital's refusal to dispense pain meds, despite the CT scan and x-ray showing that there is no apparent problem in his back so the doctor prescribed "rest" which one cannot get if they are unable to sleep due to the extreme pain). His brother drove me home and took some of his things back to the hospital.

I thought I might assuage my anger at the Korean medical community by watching Michael Moore's Sicko, but instead now I'm just mad at both America and Korea.

When I stop being mad at everyone and everything, I will post about the fabulous road trip we took to Jeollanam-do this weekend. It just might take a few days to cool off... In the meantime, I apologize for my negativity.

Remembering a Death.

Ten years later, it is still impossible to think about the death of a man--a boy--that changed my understanding of the world and all the people in it.

I wrote this piece for my senior seminar class in response to the question: Why did you become an English major? Although I read it aloud in class (which was a painful, tearful, thoroughly humiliating experience), I've been holding onto it since then and thinking about publishing it one day. Well... this being the tenth anniversary of Justin's death, I thought it might be appropriate to share it with you. Please forgive the walk down memory lane.

***

Apology: My experience as an English major at St. Mary’s College of Maryland cannot be separated from the life and death of my close friend Justin Bates, the eldest son of English professor Robin Bates. I am sorry if this makes the story I must tell somewhat inappropriate or uncomfortable for this classroom setting. I could lie, but that would be a disservice to me, Justin, the English major, and this assignment.

The Midwife to my Intellectual Birth

Sometimes I still see Justin on the paths around campus. He is tall and so blond that his hair might be white. His head is always upturned to the sky, as though he could pluck from the heavens the answers to yet another of his unanswerable dilemmas. I go to talk with him—tell him about my life and how it’s going and how I discovered Renaissance poetry and my joys and pains in the time since he has left me.

But when I get near enough, it is never Justin. It never will be Justin again.

***

We are gathered around a tiny table in lower Montgomery Hall, hunched over maroon volumes of Norton Anthology of British Literature 2. Justin is late again, so Becca and I have started looking at the poems assigned for tomorrow. Last week, we read Blake’s Songs of Innocence; today we are looking at the “Tyger”. We are not really talking about the poem. We are chatting of things that do not matter, like how we’ll go visit our boyfriends at fall break and how hungry we are.

Justin arrives and, after teasing him about giving him a thorough whomping with the heavy books on the table, we settle in to play with language. As we discuss it and read it over and over, the images begin to dance. The words are alive and we speak them over and over and something magical happens when we get to the part “Did he who make the lamb make thee?” and suddenly Justin exclaims loudly because the universe has opened up wide and a vision explodes in our heads. He has been struggling, studying, contemplating faith and Christianity and here it all is, beautifully summarized by Blake’s poetry.

His religion cannot be the innocent “Lamb,” because then he, as a flawed man could not ever participate in it. Neither is he satisfied with the cruel callousness of the religion in the fearsome “Tyger”. But together—a God gentle enough for a child and forgiving enough for a man but powerful enough to inspire awe and test humanity—that (at least in that one moment) is Justin’s God.

And mine too, though I do not believe in God. I think of it differently. Nevertheless, in the moment that I am one with the poem and with the language and nature and religion, I know I will end up being an English major in college.

***

I go down to visit the river, past the graveyard where many I have never known lay buried. The summer sky is threatening rain. I would welcome such a breaking storm. There are the words I sought: “He is made one with nature. There is heard/ His voice in all her music, from the moan/ Of thunder, to the song of night’s sweet bird;/ He is a presence to be felt and known/ In darkness and in light, from herb and stone.” Perhaps once Shelley wrote them for Keats, but I imagine they are written about my friend whose memorial they adorn. His presence in me is felt and known.

The storm breaks. Heavy rains pour over me and I am new-baptized. I converse with Shelley about Justin and write his name on the water that dragged him under one year ago. I scream at the storm. I demand my dead friend back again that I might tell him all the things I never finished saying to him… and all the new things I have discovered.

I wonder if Justin is where he thought he would be. I believe he is. In a heaven that I do not believe in. I suppose it is odd for me to believe he is sitting up there in a heaven with a God and a Christ I do not believe in. So I begin to speak with God.

I remind him first that I do not believe in him. Therefore, I feel it necessary to explain why I am speaking with an entity I do not believe in, and I tell him of Aristotle’s demonstration of the universal human ability to recognize geometric figures. Mathematics is like God. How many of us have seen a perfect sphere? Yet we all know what that is and can see it just as easily as if it were sitting right in front of us. Oh, there are “spheres” in the world that we can use to assist our imaginations in constructing the object in our minds, but they are not perfect with all the mathematical properties we equate with spheres.

Geometry exists only in our minds… and yet, somehow it reaches beyond all of the individual selves and transcends many minds… all minds. It is within entirely, and yet it is more than any individual human. So I explain to God why I speak with him and how I know him to exist, without believing in him.

Religion, well Christian religion, is the opposite of nature. So how then do the words that Justin is made one with nature provide comfort when I would rather he be one with his religion? Perhaps in death nature and religion meet more uniformly.

The rain has stopped. I go back inside and go to sleep.

***

Reading Sidney’s Astrophil and Stella in Spring and contemplating the act of writing, specifically my own, I happen upon a poem. “You take wrong ways, those far-fet helps be such/ As do bewray a want of inward touch,” Sidney writes.

These words… this poem… it is written to me. I know academically and intellectually that Sidney, 500 years ago, could not possibly have been sitting at his writing desk imagining such a mind as my own for which he must write this poem, but yet I imagine… no, I more than imagine, I KNOW… that this poem is written for me. My life, my work… I am the one “running in rattling rows”.

I cry out for Sidney and beat my own chest and ravenously try to gulp all of the language down at once. Other poems offer some comfort for the personal flaws he attacked in Sonnet 15, but not enough. I think he understands me, though. Both he and I… we cannot choose but write our minds, and we cannot choose but put out what we write.

Writing is passion and compulsion. It is beautiful and deadly. It holds power, and yet is nothing more than markings on a page.

***

At last, I understood why Justin thought it dangerous to continue our study group after that first semester. But I suppose he discovered things more dangerous than words. Me, I still love words and the sort of cathartic, intensely personal connection with poetry that he and I both could experience is how he lives on in me.

Min Gi is on TV

Last week at Asurajang, our friend Jinju showed up with camera in tow. Apparently, her husband is being profiled for a kind of documentary show because he is an "early adapter" which is Konglish for a techie geek--someone who buys the latest technology and writes manuals and reviews online to let other people know about the advantages and flaws of a product. The documentary contrasts Jinju and her husband with an old couple in the Korean countryside who live without much technology of any kind. Anyhow, several members of my swing club, including Min Gi, were interviewed for the program.

You can watch the program here (it does open up a video program on your computer so if your security settings are really high, you might not be able to see it). At around 24:43 the section about the swing dance club begins, and at 26:08 you can see my husband joking around that Jinju's phone number changes so often that he has two numbers stored in his phone for her, but whenever she calls him, a new number pops up and he doesn't know who is calling (this was related to the profile where Jinju was complaining a bit about her husband often changing her phone). You can also see my friends Leah (the only white person in the interview) and Jina as well as some of Joey (Leah's husband) dancing with Jinju. In the background of some shots are other folks I know and love dearly.

Well, enjoy!

Korea's Suicide Rate: It still makes me sad...

The Washington Post covered Choi Jin-young's suicide.

I have an idea about mental health outreach in South Korea that I plan to work on gathering resources and support for when I return to the U.S.--hopefully when I return to Korea (in like five or so years), I will be able to enact it.

Gyeongju Spring Flowers

Scenic bridge in Gyeongju on the perilous drive up to Seokguram.
Although you'd never know it from the weather this week, spring has arrived in Korea. Spring means lots of flowers, especially the numerous 벚꽃--cherry blossoms (many originally planted during Japanese imperialism as a way to demoralize and imperialize Korea, which have thankfully lost much of their negative associations for young Koreans). Last weekend, Min Gi and I drove out to Gyeongju to visit our friend Hayoung, partake of the spring flowers, and finally see Seokguram one of the most famous historic pieces of Buddhist art in all of Korea that I have managed to fail to see on each of my many trips to Gyeongju.

Min Gi in front of the grotto that houses the stone buddha of Seokguram.
Seokguram, along with Bulguksa, make up one of Gyeongju's two UNESCO World Heritage sites. Although it is only a few kilometers from the temple I've visited many times, I've never actually made it out there. Carved in the late 700s, the stone statue in the cave is quite stunning and well-preserved, although it is behind glass and photos are not permitted. The winding path up the mountain was terrifying in Min Gi's old Korando, but the walk to and from the grotto was peaceful and natural.

We even observed this guy, a woodpecker (딱다구리).
We had a traditional Korean lunch with our friend Hayoung, who was one of the announcers at our wedding. We then had some coffee in a small park near his apartment.

And I revert to my five year old self.

Finally, Min Gi and I battled the intense traffic of every other Korean person in Gyeongsangbuk-do who wanted to see the cherry blossoms near Beomun Lake resort and took two hours to drive less than five kilometers.

But the peaceful afternoon views were worth the crowds.

Gyeongju Spring Flowers

Learning from my colleagues

"Ms. Park... why are there sprinklers watering the dusty athletic field that has no grass whatsoever?"

"Oh... The field gets too dusty, so they try to keep it damp. It's healthier for the students' lungs."

Weird. Especially since it rained yesterday. But hey... the answer makes more sense than not knowing.

***

Mr. Lee is a math teacher who takes my English conversation class for non-English teachers. He is the most capable of speaking in English (though some of the other teachers are just as good at reading/writing). He recently welcomed his second child--a son. We'd been studying families and the homework assignment was to write an essay describing his family. In the essay he said his son was 16 days old and in a 조리원. I had no idea what that was, so I asked him.

"It's a kind of place for children after they are born. A house kind of." His face looked a little pained as he searched for the words to explain. I misunderstood this as worry for his son and thought it might be an incubator.

"Like a small glass house that sometimes babies go if they are too early?"

"No. no. It's for babies and mothers. A resting place."

"Oh, not in a hospital?"

"No, not a hospital. It's warm. In Korea we think warm is good for the baby and the mother. And women help with the baby so my wife can rest."

"I don't think we have those in America. Like a place just for women and newborn babies so they don't have to cook for themselves and such? Nurses and other helpers take care of mom and baby?"

"Yes. For maybe three weeks."

"Wow! That would be so nice. Is it expensive?"

"Some. We are using an expensive place!" He says this with pride.

"How much is it?"

"Our place is 2,700,000 won."

"For the whole three weeks?"

"Yes."

"That's not too bad, considering how much help it must be to your wife!"

***

Back in the teacher's room, I tell Ms. Suh what I learned about 조리원 to confirm that I understood what Mr. Lee was saying. We then started talking about the differences between America and Korea in birth culture.

"I think American women and Korean women are different species," declares Ms. Suh with a playful smile on her face.

"No, no. Not different species! Just different cultures." I insist.

"My friend told me that in America when women give birth, they can walk the next day. That's not true in Korea."

I'd heard about the belief in Korea that after giving birth women should rest in a rather extreme fashion, so I objected quickly. "Korean women CAN walk, too. They just don't."

Ms. Suh insisted for a few minutes more, while I maintained that biologically, Korean women are capable of walking but culturally they are instructed not to do so, until Ms. Park (who has two children) returned to help us out.

"Ms Park, help us out. Can Korean women walk after giving birth?"

"Yes! Ms. Park will know because she has experience! Tell us!" Ms. Suh was very excited at this point.

Ms. Park gave us both the funniest deadpan look. "Well, people like to say that women can't walk after giving birth. But two hours after the birth of my daughter, I was up and walking around the hospital looking for her."

We all laughed.

After Ms. Suh went off to class, I learned more about the cultural practices surrounding birth in Korea from Ms. Park. Like women in the 조리원 are not supposed to stand to shower for the first few days (ew!) and have to be wheeled around like an invalid for a week or more.

Overall a very educational day for me...

Veggie Wrap with Tofu "Ranch" Dip

This post is about the perfect lunch. It is for Jen and Danielle and anyone else who loves good food.

A story: About two years ago, I was asked to bring veggies and dip to a bachelorette party. Awesome. Except that finding veggie dip in Korea is next to impossible. And finding normal ingredients to make dip, like cream cheese or refried beans (vegetarian, of course) is impossible. Not to mention shopping for the appropriate spices... So I started experimenting with substitutes like tofu instead of cream cheese and some other things. I figured out a recipe that is really easy to make, vegan, and pretty much universally popular. I've been breaking it out for parties since then.

This week, having finished the burritos I cooked and having half a pack of tortilla wrappers still in the fridge, I thought that making a veggie wrap using this "dip" as a sauce might be awesome. It was. So first... how to make Tofu "Ranch" Dip:

Ingredients
1 package tofu (I like organic)
1/2 medium onion, chopped
5-8 cloves of garlic (depending on how much of a garlic fan you are)
salt
black pepper
2 tbsp (approximate... I don't actually measure) olive oil (extra virgin if you can)
2 stalks of green onion
Optional: Other herbs/spices, such as parsley, oregano, and basil, as you like; I tend to use what's in the cupboard if I have it. These are not necessary, but can add a nice flavor.

Directions
Blend tofu, onion, garlic, olive oil, and spices until smooth.
Chop (I use kitchen scissors) the green onion into little pieces and put in the dip. Blend with a spoon.

Voila! Simple, vegan, and everybody loves it (I assure you... even people who normally think tofu is gross).

To make it a wrap:

Warm one tortilla.
Chop up some veggies you like and stir fry them (I used onions, mushrooms, and red pepper here).
Add 1-2 tbsp of the Tofu "Ranch" Dip to the tortilla.
Place some lettuce and a chopped up tomato on top.
Add the stir fried veggies. And maybe some Parmesan cheese like I did today... mmm.

Enjoy!

The dip took about 15 minutes to make and the wrap another 15 minutes beyond that. You'll have plenty of dip leftover for more wraps later in the week. Or get some carrots, cucumbers, and celery and go to town with raw veggies. It's awesome!

Feel free to mix up the veggies as you like. I'm thinking that eggplant and zucchini would be good stir-fried. Or you could do an all raw veggie wrap with cucumbers and carrots (and raw onions). You could replace the lettuce with spinach or add chicken (if you eat meat, of course). So many delicious options. I'm sure I will try them all...

Getting out of my funk.

Yeah. Yesterday was the end of a five-day-long bout of major second-guessing. Sorry I dragged you all into it.

I had a really good talk with Min Gi last night about all of these weird back and forth feelings. He's completely supportive of either decision and also really flexible and understanding (like if we hate it in America, or can't find a job, we'll just enjoy some time there and live with my folks for a bit and make plans to come back to Korea earlier than anticipated). Just hearing him say that made me realize that we're going to be ok. The things I'm worried about (finding a job, health care issues, readjusting, cost of living), while certainly not trivial, are all things I know we can deal with if they turn out badly. Furthermore delaying moving to DC for one more year will not lessen any of those anxieties (even if the teaching job market does improve, I'll still worry about finding a good job), but it might make me feel like I'm just stagnating here in Korea (a feeling I had more than once this year, so it is almost certainly the right time to leave).

Funny thing is, I had these same exact feelings when I was preparing to leave to go to Korea. I loved my life in America, my job, my hobbies, and my friends, but there was something I wanted more than that. It's the same now. I love my life in Korea, but I need to return to America for personal and professional reasons. Min Gi is at the right point in his professional and personal life to live abroad. Delaying will just end up making it harder.

Having reaffirmed my decision, my students then promptly tried to make me regret by being awesome (Aren't you insanely jealous I get to teach these kids?). It's gonna be a rough couple of months saying goodbye to Korea... but I'm ready to do it now.

Especially after it snowed--SNOWED!!!--tonight in April. Yeah, I can do without that for a bit.

Top Ten Reasons to Return to U.S.A.

I've been struggling ever since buying my (much too expensive) plane ticket back to D.C. last week (and booking the kitties to ride with me, of course) with the reality that I'm leaving Korea--my home for the last three years.

I know I'm making the right choice for myself and my family in returning, but I am going to miss so many things about my life here and am returning to so much uncertainty (no job, no apartment, no health care--ack!) in a poor economic climate (when I know that if I stayed one more year here I'd be grad school debt free) that I keep second guessing my decision. What's really annoying is that my brain decided to wait until AFTER I've done something pretty permanent, like buying a one-way plane ticket and a visa for my husband, to start questioning my decision. Perhaps my brain knew better than to question before, since I'm facing some pretty compelling reasons to stay here one more year--not the least of which is that I love LOVE my job and it's likely the job market for teachers in the DC area (which is a hot mess right now) will be much more favorable at this time next year.

I need to list the reasons why I want to return so that I can make it more appealing.

1. Professional development. Having completed my MA last year, I'm now at a career stand-still in my current job, even though I love it. My long term career goals require me to return to the states for at least three years and possibly pursue certification in a second or third area and I can't really do that here.
2. Family. Can't get into this on the blog, but I've been away too long. It's been a rough year for the family and while my return will initially burden them, I think after a few months and getting established, I can help them out a lot.
3. Min Gi getting to know my culture. I've lived in his for three years, and it really allows me to appreciate him in ways I don't know that I would if I hadn't lived here. I'm hoping living in America does the same for him with me.
4. Value to society. In Korea, I'm kind of a non-member of society. My contributions here, while difficult for me and important for the people I see daily, are rather insignificant and shallow compared with when I lived in the U.S.
5. Certain hobbies. I haven't been able to do theater, sew, sail, garden, bake, swim regularly, or go camping in Korea. I miss these activities immensely. (Of course, conversely... continuing TKD, skiing, and swing dance will all be much more expensive in the U.S.)
6. Going Vegan. Considering doing this. In America, it will be much easier.
7. Seeing Green. Korea is a concrete jungle. Now, yes, I know the suburban sprawl has many disadvantages, not the least of which is rendering a car an almost necessity, but there are so many pretty parks in residential areas. I love being outdoors in the U.S. It's harder to get that feeling in Korea, though I certainly have found some ways to achieve it.
8. Diversity of Food. There is just so much more choice in America. Although I plan to try to eat more locally than I did when I last lived in the U.S., I still love wandering through supermarkets in general wonder and glee. Any ingredients you need to make Korean foods are readily available in America. This is NOT true in reverse. (For that matter, diversity in other things is also a good thing about America).
9. Privacy/Space. People have a wide personal space bubble and respect it. You can have an evening drink in your own backyard--a personal piece of paradise. No one will dare touch your boobs, your hair, or your car (or if they do, you're allowed to shoot them... well... maybe not, but certainly within your rights to give them a nasty dressing-down).
10. Bathtubs. It's just not the same to take your novel to the local jjimjilbang.

Care to add yours? Please... inspire me to want to go back to the U.S. Please... I'm on the verge of cancelling my ticket and signing on for another year...