Sunday, March 18, 2012

My sad, neglected blog and a breakdown/through

Baby's first sailing trip.

I have been neglecting you again, my blog and my readers.  Some of this is from being busy (isn't it always?) but I'm just now realizing that much of it has been an unwillingness (or if I'm feeling kinder towards myself, an inability due to other pressures) to be insightful enough to admit something to myself I don't really want to deal with.  But I'm there, so I might as well share it with you:  I am in the middle of another episode of depression.  At least I get to call it postpartum and feel the support of other moms, right?

I went back to work a bit over a month ago.  Being a working mom is a transition as dramatic as having a newborn, but I don't think I was as prepared for this one.  I'm adjusting to the new routine (as is Min Gi, now a full time dad, and the baby, who is as awesome, healthy, and cute as always), but it's taking some time.

Min Gi with Jeongmin on a walk in the park.

I've had health problems since going back from the stress/lack of time, but I'm recovering from them now.  I have nothing even remotely like "free time" anymore and just about anything I do have goes to time with the baby or time with the baby and the husband. I haven't been reading much--blogs, books, or otherwise--and have inadvertently given up television. I don't even usually get online when I'm not at work these days.  I don't take care of myself like I know I need to to avoid depression.  That needs to change.

We went through a period where Jeongmin went on a once or twice a day nursing strike because he was suddenly taking so many more feedings from the bottle.  That was rough and terrifying.  During that time, I began to feel personally rejected by him.  This feeling has grown and gotten worse.  I now feel like the baby hates me and that I can't do anything right as a mom.  I get really anxious when he starts to cry or when I'm left alone with him for too long, and I start snapping at Min Gi and it just gets worse from there.
This little guy loves his Daddy so much!

I finally realized that I'm dealing with the PPD beast on Friday when I screamed like a mad woman at my husband for doing a load of laundry and not putting my jeans in it and then crying so pathetically and hysterically for two hours that he (and the baby) thought I was laughing at first.
Typing all that makes it sound a lot worse than it is.  I really love Jeongmin.  His smile makes my whole world stop for a moment.  My relationship with Min Gi is in most ways stronger than it has ever been.  I'm happy a lot of the time.  But all of this is what made me keep dismissing these growing, nagging feelings as unimportant.  I really should know better than to do that by now.

With the baby in my favorite carrier.

So... I have an appointment with a counselor.  I am not even considering medication at this time, since my self-care could be a lot better and the only depression meds approved for breastfeeding are ones I have had a horrible reaction to in the past.  I will not give up breastfeeding because in my worst, darkest moments where I think the baby would be better with just about any other mom than me, I can at least tell myself that breastfeeding is going well.

And that's where I am.  And where I've been.

I'll let y'all know how it goes.


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