Friday, February 5, 2010

In Sickness... What about the Health Part???

It's been four weeks since we had the big party. I haven't blogged it yet because I don't have the good pictures from my friend Julian. He's working on cleaning them up (color balancing and whatnot that these photo geeks know all about), but I've seen a preview and they're pretty worth the long wait.

However, after four rather busy and strange weeks, I can tell you that marriage is a bit different than dating--in more ways than just remembering to say "my husband" instead of "my boyfriend" or even "my fiance"--but that it doesn't fundamentally change who you are or what issues you have. We all know I've been dealing with some pretty serious health issues since last October. I've written before about it affecting my relationship, and of course, it continues to affect my relationship, even as I am recovering.

Being married has just made some of these issues feel like a bigger deal. Like Koreans ALWAYS love talking about health, but lately whenever Min Gi does, it's like "I want you to be around and healthy for many years." Which I know is very sweet. But to my ears it sounds like he thinks I'm not doing something for my health that I should be doing, so I'm taking it as criticism and reacting badly. I'm depressed about the state of my own health, but I really am doing everything I can to get better, including exercising more as I can and eating healthy.

We're fighting more (a little... not badly, just a bit more), but I think that's because it's ok to fight if you're married 'cause no one is going to just walk out the door. We fight nice (no name-calling or belittling), but it's definitely more than we did before getting married. (Actually we end up mocking ourselves fighting by the end and so fights turn into play-fights, which is rather silly). I think my sensitivity to his comments about my health factors into this. I think when I'm more healthy (and as we adjust to being married) this will go down.

I'm ready to stop being sick, but my body seems to disagree, doing stuff like catching every little bug that comes along, rendering my efforts to get back in shape and cook healthy foods less effective and throwing off my well-laid plans. This is endlessly frustrating, but being married means it is now a frustration for two people, not just for myself.

For example, I've had a cold the last two days, but Min Gi wanted to go hiking this morning. I agreed to try, but said I'm not sure how much I could do since I was still having some trouble breathing. He insisted that the mountain air would be refreshing (which was, in my opinion, irrelevant to whether or not I could breathe it). We made it about 10 minutes out before I felt like if I kept going, I'd make it to the top, but I'd be sick for the rest of the weekend. I told him I needed to turn back. I actually couldn't get the air into my lungs.

He tried to convince me to keep going, but I remained firm. I could tell he was disappointed--he wanted to hike together like we used to do. I wanted that, too, but I know my body. He kept going to the summit and I went home. It's very frustrating to deal with this, and I know it's frustrating for him always having to be supportive.

Not everything has been such a failure. We went to Camp Swing It together this year, and I made it through most of the classes pretty well, although I was too tired for more than an hour or two of the social dancing. I didn't take pictures this year, like I did last year, but it ended up being a lot of fun and getting Min Gi excited about swing dance again. We went skiing this last weekend with Adventure Korea and managed to ski both days, but I could definitely feel a big difference in my strength and stamina compared to last year. It's disappointing to me, but now it's also like I'm failing him. And his commenting on it does NOT help me feel better, it makes me feel incredibly guilty and sad.

But even though we wrote our own vows that didn't include the words from the title of this post, I want to shout, "When do we get our 'Health' part back???"

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