Tuesday, December 23, 2008

Homesick...

...

There's not much to say about it, as it's really a drag. I didn't realize how homesick I was until I was researching the JET program (Min Gi and I had a crazy idea that after I renew my current contract once more--for 2009-2010, we could go work in Japan for a year or two) and was trying to figure out what the hell I'd do with myself for the not-quite-one-year between the end of my contract at this school (end of August) and the JET start date (start of August), and realized that I could go home and teach for the 10 months easily.

As soon as the idea came into my head, I was hit by how much I miss my family (and some other things about America, like working at the suicide hotline and doing community theater) and how much I HATE not being there when my dad's suffering so much.

My mom sent me an amazing Christmas package (which I already opened, of course!), and it just overwhelmed me. What they're dealing with there while I'm off having "adventures" over here. And I felt so... lost. And really... what the hell am I doing here? Anything useful or interesting? Anything worth being unable to go home for a few months while my dad's immune system is so compromised my very presence, coming as I am from a foreign country, would seriously endanger his life? Is Korea really worth that?

I'd usually say, "yes," without hesitation because I know and I trust that his doctors are doing what is right and that he will be fine and I'll spend August at home... That this is where I need and want to be right now... That my parents fully support my decision and know I'm happy here...

But today... today I just want to be HOME.

Dammit. Stupid tears. Doesn't help that Christmas is in two days.

I thought I was going to be ok this year.

5 comments:

  1. oh hon, hang in there!!!

    Thinking of you and your family!!!

    ReplyDelete
  2. We are all very much looking forward to your visit in August, when your Dad will be well enough to sail with you and do ordinary, everyday things! And we think you are doing a wonderful thing in Korea - you are living your life, fully and courageously. We both love reading your blog. We look forward to a time you will live in the US again, but we also know that may not happen for a long time, or ever. We will adjust and find ways to be together. Much love, Mom.

    ReplyDelete
  3. Look, now, Mom just said what I said this morning during our chat. :) See, I was right.

    And being homesick IS "being OK."

    ReplyDelete
  4. I hear ya, sister.
    Merry Christmas, though.

    ReplyDelete
  5. Imagine a loaf of bread fresh out of the oven... so crisp on the outside and warm and soft on the inside and you can just fall all up in it...and you can hug it! I'm going to send you a warm bread hug. It's not a gift you can save, but if you have a vivid imagination you can use it again and again.

    ReplyDelete

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