Thursday, May 8, 2008

Uncertainty

Today I have more questions than answers, but I'm happy and hopeful about it.

Lots of stuff has been happening I want to blog about--training in taekwondo, a trip to Seoul with pretty pictures, visiting my Korean family the Kwons, a renewed interest and excitement for studying Korean, figuring out (finally) how to do a basic Lindy circle halfway decently--but I'm not going to yet.

I have been holding myself back from blogging because many things about my life are uncertain and open to change in relatively dramatic ways (what I will do after my contract ends? does my dating life have a chance of success in this country? when will I know the results of my black belt test?). This uncertainty makes me uncomfortable with putting anything permanent down, such as publishing it in a blog.

This has happened before and I always react in the same way. I worry constantly. I make new life plans every ten minutes (I'm not kidding--detailed, well planned out life goals that I completely revise to a brand new one moments later) because I feel better with a plan, even if I know it's going to change. I spend lots of time doing things that don't matter and avoiding the things that need to get done--I end up with perfectly organized earring drawers and no clean dishes.

In honor of the worrying about things that matter the least first, let's talk taekwondo. I'm freaking out about the results from my black belt test. Everybody is very reassuring and kind (and let me be clear that I do appreciate your kind words of support), but it will be the most humiliating thing I have experienced in a long time if I don't pass. That scares the crap out of me. The weird thing is, I think I'm due for karmic failure. Things have been going well lately. Perhaps too well. Usually around this time something bad has happened relationship wise (the last bad thing was more than a year and a half ago), but since I'm not in a relationship, the world has to find some other way to smack down my growing self esteem and this seems like an all too tempting opportunity for fate. (Yes, in my own head, I do live in a post-modern black comedy).

More than that, though, I don't want to let people down. My friends and family back home who have cheered me on for the last eight months; my friends here who cheered me on as I went home early the night before, who showed up to watch and take pictures, who texted me that morning to wish me luck, or who took me out to my favorite wine bar and a romantic comedy after the whole mess was over; my studio--Sa Beom Nim, his family and students; and myself. I'd pull out some line right now about how the journey itself has been enough of an achievement and blah blah blah and that's true... I don't think Sa Beom Nim is going to stop teaching me the Koryeo form (the one for second degree belt testing) just because I "failed" this round and I don't think I'll quit or anything that dramatic because it's too much fun... but it would really be a huge blow to my self confidence that's been growing by participating in such a challenging sport.

Today Sa Beom Nim said he'd text me when he got the results. That made me feel a little better. (As for the romantic and job fronts... well maybe I'm not going to be as brave in this post as I wanted to be... better just to publish this one and save more for later since it's been more than a week.)

Life, to be continued...

1 comment:

  1. The only way you could fail is to stop trying, my dear. Being the oldest child of two stubborn Germanic/Scot/Irish parents, I can't see how that's an option for you. Down, maybe; but always up and fighting for the next triumph..eventually. This mother's day, I am so very grateful you are my daughter - its the most wonderful gift fate has given me.

    Love,
    Mom

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