Tuesday, March 4, 2008

Brown Belt.

Today I got my brown belt. I've only been learning the sixth poomsae form for a few weeks, but I know it pretty well now. Sa Beom Nim is pushing us hard because the black belt test has been scheduled. April 27.

That sounds disturbingly soon.

I kind of know what is supposed to happen at the test, but I don't feel like I'm ready yet. I've been so lazy mentally lately. Like I have about three half written blog entries (including Sunday's pictures to upload) and no real drive at the moment to finish them. I go to taekwondo, I go to work, I come home and sleep. I can't even motivate myself to clean my apartment properly because I just don't care. And I'd rather sleep.

Maybe it's the bizarre weather. Like Sunday was a yellow dust haze, Monday was a lovely spring day, Tuesday it snowed (seriously... it snowed), and today is sunny and cool. We're talking worse than a teenage girl's mood swings. Pretty crazy.

Or maybe it's something else. Like this weird dream I had last night that was so vivid I lay awake a long time this morning just thinking about what it could possibly mean. I dreamt I'd been communicating with a blogger I admire (who doesn't exist in the real blogosphere) who was a university professor. Somehow to finish my master's degree, I ended up taking an online class from this woman which was pretty awesome at first. She found my blog and complimented it and I felt pretty awesome about the whole thing, but then she became obsessed with me. Like she started blogging about me (mind you, we'd not met in real life, although we had real life and blog friends in common and she's my professor). She gets angry I haven't been blogging lately and comes to the conclusion that my life must not be interesting at the moment (not true, I've just been lazy, as I said).

One day I come home and Princess is missing. I can't find her anywhere. Then I read this chick's blog and she's posted about how she played a prank on me. And I get so angry. Why the hell would anyone kidnap the cat of a person you don't know (or that you do know for that matter) as a prank? Is she crazy? Especially the night before a huge paper for her class is due that I need to write in order to get credit for the class.

So I go trying to find her because I want to get Princess. I go to all our mutual friends, but they all seem in on the joke and don't understand why I'm upset at all. They all tell me what a nice and wonderful person she is in real life and that when I meet her, I won't be mad at her at all because she's so awesome and she's just playing a funny trick. I remain skeptical.

I'm still trying to find her, feeling increasingly betrayed by people I thought were friends at every turn when the alarm goes off. In the dream, Princess was still missing and this woman was still an anonymous psycho.

Much as I run it over in my head, the interpretation of this one still eludes me.

Point being that I feel a little disconnected from my life at the moment because I'm not being productive at all and have no idea why. Impending birthday anxieties? Uncertainty about my future plans? Bipolar weather? Strange stalker dreams? Nerves about black belt testing/body image stuff? Who knows?

3 comments:

  1. Whao! What a crazy dream! Congratulations on the brown belt though! And don't forget that DNA Swing Dance Party is this weekend! You can dance off your frustrations! Now if only I can find something that's 1940ish to wear!

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  2. Hmmmm...dreams are lovely and unscientific and oh so tempting to play with. Let's see: 1) first try - friends leave Korea for other parts of world = loss = betrayal, sort of (like the betrayal of friends in your dream); 2) second try - your judgement is as good as everyone else's dear but sometimes the nutty ones (e.g. most recent past boyfriend; gang-of-three gal friends in grade school/jr high school, dream blog friend) aren't easy to detect because you are not by nature a suspicious person and its GOOD that they haven't made you into a suspicious person even in your dreams; 3) third try - your mother did something bad that scarred you forever.

    Love,

    Your mother.

    ReplyDelete

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