Seriously. I've wasted so much time doing absolutely nothing in the last couple days, it's disgusting. It felt so good to go to TKD and do something moderately productive that I realized I should probably cut back on this here wired thingy. I mean, I love keeping in touch with people from back home and all the writing I've been doing because of my blog and some other writing projects, but my recent Facebook obsession and reading stupid articles on MSN make me feel about as useful as when I start to care who wins old re-runs of America's Next Top Model on Style. Which is to say, not useful at all.
And then I got some bad news about a friend from back home who was diagnosed with breast cancer. It's hard to believe and feels harder being so far away at such a difficult time. I think this weekend I will climb Palgongsan to pray to the Gatbawi Buddha for her health. The weather is supposed to be lovely, which will help.
I've been thinking a lot lately about spirituality since my conversation this weekend at Kyobo, my never-returned e-mail to the pastor of the English speaking church here about volunteering, and going with Se Jin to church last Sunday. I'm not exactly comfortable posting in my blog about these things (mostly because the vast majority of my good friends and family members would mercilessly mock anything remotely resembling spiritual beliefs), but I do keep a spiritual journal (with my dream journal and general private thoughts journal next to my bed). I haven't written in it much lately. I was trying to think about why not.
I feel a little out of sorts with myself, and I think it's because while my job is teaching still, it's not a position where I am as needed as I was in the U.S. Yeah, I got stressed out and blah, blah, blah, but I did it like I did because someone had to; those kids needed so much from me and I tried my hardest to help them. Here, I'm a foreigner. Even when kids need something, they wouldn't come to me for it and it's hard to reach out to them. And so while my life right now is very busy and fun, it sometimes seems a little empty.
How am I making the world a better place? Right now, I don't think I am. I think I'm making myself a better person, which could help me eventually make the world a better place and I know that, but I feel just a little useless. And that makes me a little lost.
I wish I thought my writing was good enough to be my contribution.