Wednesday, December 26, 2007

Blindsided.

Warning: I don't really do negative posts that much because I'm a dopey optimist, and I don't like to dwell on bad shit. Plus my life is pretty awesome most of the time. But right now I'm sad. And it's ok to be sad. So my inner cynic is deciding she wants to speak--and personally, I don't think she's the best part of my writing self. She likes to use obnoxious language over saturated with bad cliches and mixed metaphors. Possibly, you don't want to read this. You've been warned. Finish warning.

Now that I've paused to breathe again, I'm soaking in and reflecting on my experiences with a holiday that is extremely culturally significant to my country, but I've always been kind of "whatever" about, mostly because I'm not Christian and my family is super informal about everything. And I'm really glad I've been whirlwinding with my life the last couple weeks because I think otherwise I would have been really bummed out for much longer than the last few hours. And not at all for the reasons I expected.

You see, Christmas in Korea is not a holiday for getting together with the family and reflecting on goodwill towards men and whatnot. Christmas in Korea is a couples' holiday akin to Valentine's day in the States. It took me awhile to realize this because it looks like the cheesy over commercialized capitalistic glut I have come to know and tolerate. But apparently even if it looks like a duck, sings like a duck, and glows in the dark like a duck, it might actually be an elephant. A big, fat, ugly elephant that has a strong urge to trample the tiny, happy people walking around in their matching couple hoodies and bear hats with matching cutesy paws.

I'm used to Christmas as a single person sucking ass. But at least back home it was a time for families to be together and piss each other off in familiar and wonderful ways. You could actually avoid feeling like the last solitary loser on the planet (until the tactless aunt asks why you haven't found some nice man to settle down with yet... as a side note the words "settle down" should NEVER have been applied to love lives. that's more depressing than being single, really). But Korea--land of cutesy couple behavior--has found a way to make people feel just that. With the added annoyance of carols blaring everywhere. Not even good carols like "God Rest Ye Merry Gentlemen" but pop song wannabe carols like "Last Christmas."

It makes Diana wanna whip out her newly acquired taekwondo skillz and break some bones.

The sad thing is that I love seeing people in love... I do. Well, I should clarify that I love seeing awesome people in love with other awesome people. And even when I see couples holding hands and stuff in public who are obviously in love it makes me all warm and fuzzy (especially if they're much older for some reason). But I don't think the branding of another person with cutesy things qualifies as an expression of love. Maybe I'm alone in this, but given how many other people want to puke when they see the matching fuchsia with yellow letters approach I think I'm not.

And it's not the jealousy factor. I don't want what they have. I want my own special unique and wonderful bond with a guy equal in awesome to me who may or may not actually exist. I just feel sometimes like the overstated romance of it all is an attempt to make me feel jealous and lonely. And it kind of works. It pisses me off that it makes me even momentarily question my fabulousness. That's just bitchy. I always feel like people in love should feel magnanimous, not like immature, spoiled brats who like to show off in front of others.

Walking home after work listening to "Time" by Timbaland (about an overly complicated chick who the guy singing both hates and is intrigued by at the same time) in the downpour, exhausted and alone it hit me hard. Wham.

Wham. Wham.

I'm alone. And very, very far away from... what? I don't know. Just far away.

But then a kitty greeted me at the door. And messages from several amazing friends and a funny holiday picture of my family greeted my inbox. And I had a fantastic conversation with Amanda. And I ate the cookies Kirsty gave me. And now I'll call Meesh, watch Elf, and go to bed hopefully to dream about skiing with Se Jin and New Year's in Seoul...

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