Tuesday, October 30, 2007

Being Sick...

It sucks. I keep saying things wrong. It makes people confused, annoyed, or angry (depending largely on what I say and to whom I say it). My brain doesn't work right with a cold.

On the other hand, I've discovered that kimchi is an excellent "sick food" in that it goes down easy and perks you up a bit. Also the spiciness of it clears the sinuses.

We did some crazy fun stuff with weapons today in TKD 'cause I was too sick for a full workout (I'm glad I went 'cause I felt a little better after sweating some, but I think Samantha was irritated that we didn't get a full workout... again with the pissing people off unintentionally--sorry). It's hard 'cause all Sa Beom Nim's "toys" (weapons and jump ropes and the like) are designed for kiddies, so sometimes they are too short for me to use well.

I'm sometimes reminded of how big I am here... Most of the time I don't let it get to me, but I hate that feeling. When I'm sick, it's harder to ignore. Things get to me easier. I may be at the lowest weight and smallest size I've been in about 2 years, but I still feel fat fat fat some days. Many days I still feel like the 235 lbs I was 8 years ago. I don't mean to be a downer, but when you've been really fat (just like if you've been really depressed) you feel terrified of going back to it because you know exactly how much it sucked. And exactly how easy it is to do.

And sometimes you still assume you are that way--that people will still react to you that way. For example, I haven't been able to think a guy likes me without talking myself into it since I was in 10th grade. I always assume I'll be relegated to the friend category before anyone speaks with me. There was even a guy I dated for about 8 months ONLY because he made me feel momentarily attractive (I was not really that into him ever). It's not just a self confidence thing. I spent a few years where that was an honest assessment of guys' reactions to me--now it's hard to believe that it might be genuine, even though I weigh 60 lbs less...

Wow. I'm really negative when I'm sick, yeah?

4 comments:

  1. If you're sick for a while, go to the doctor and get an "intramuscular injection" in your butt. It's cheap (less than $5) and it'll knock the cold out. I'm pretty sure it's a boost of steroids.

    Also, being in Korea and alone for a while can do a whooooole lot for realization of, well, anything, including dating patterns. Or how truly perfect for you someone you meet is. Ask me how I know...

    Feel better.

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  2. I remember being in junior high school and having just completed about 10 inches of growth in 4 months. I was the tallest person on the junior high horizon except for some teachers. I most remember hating my arms - they were so darn long I just didn't know what to do with them, where to put them, what to dress them in to make them look shorter or smaller. Well...all these years later I'm used to my arms and have many more things to dislike about myself. How much you weight, how you look are not things that define you in any real way unless you let them (and feeling sick with a cold and somewhat depressed, it is natural to "let them" sneak into your self definitions now). Ordinarily, you know who you are. Men and women who reject you and others for such superficial reasons aren't really worth all that much anyway (which you know...you just can't remember right now, while you're sick). So, yes, you are big in Korea but now in any way that is bad...and certainly not in any way that has interfered with you making some good Korean friends! And, of course, I think you are beautiful, inside and out.

    Chicken soup works, too. I'm glad you found a reason to like kimchee, though.

    Love,

    Mom

    ReplyDelete
  3. Amanda,

    Yeah, I've heard about the shots and I don't know that I'm ready for that much Korea in such a personal way... if ya know what I mean. My temp's been completely normal, just stuffy and sore throat and stuff, so I keep taking the Dayquil from home and suffering. If it gets bad enough I have to miss TKD or work or somethng, then I'll head to a hospital.

    Mom,

    Yeah. Body image stuff sucks, and that happens a lot. I was referring more to the fear of losing the ground you've gained in all kinds of areas. Like recovering from depression, having healthier relationship attitudes, and less healthy habits that lead to weight issues. The fear of going back to it is sometimes bad enough that you wonder why the hell you bothered to "improve" in the first place becasue you had figured out how to live with the crap alright.

    But you're right, it's the cold talking.

    ReplyDelete
  4. I feel down when I'm sick too. When I had that strange "spell" a few weeks ago and left work early, I spent the entire evening watching TV and crying my eyes out.

    It'll get better.

    ReplyDelete

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