I haven't written about her since she died in April, but I've had my birthday card from her sitting on my desk for a few months. It must have been one of the last things she ever wrote before she had the back to back strokes and the heart attack. Strangely, it is the most touching card she has gotten me for a birthday ever and I can't figure out if it's because she actually got to know me a bit better on this last trip or if it was just chance.
The card itself is a fine message, hitting me at a particularly important time to hear it: "Indulge in whatever you love most. Wish big. Laugh long. Enjoy lots." It is followed by a handwritten inscription "Lots of love and good wishes for many more birthdays, Grandma"...
Anyhow... the last conversation we had was a great departure from her usual "If you're going to get married, could you get married soon? I don't know how much longer I'll be around..." injunctions into a frank discussion of her choice to wait on marriage until she was 30 (almost unheard of in her time) and how happy she was that she had a long, single life because it brought a certain intangible satisfaction to her marriage to Grandpa E.
I unearthed the card today. So I am missing my grandma today.
I've been thinking about the things we talked about recently (god knows why), but I think I'm only just now comfortable enough with myself to really believe that it's not worth my time trying to reign in who I am that is so that I might attract someone. Maybe love isn't a numbers game. The heart of one quality guy over the attentions many subpar matches does sound better. Just remember not to waste too much time on guys I know won't meet my needs (or that I won't meet theirs).
Or maybe I'm just listening to too much Eric Clapton. This is a distinct possibility.