Tuesday, June 19, 2007

anxiety waves

I feel like I'm surfing the crazy ebbs and flows of pre-Korea anxiety. I don't know if this is normal, but the weirdest little things about my daily life are having really exaggerated significance, and I'm finding it really hard to complete tasks lately.

Like cleaning out my classroom. It's a nightmare. But I can't bring myself to face how entrenched I've made myself at my job in just three years. I really threw myself in it and worked too darned hard and for what? Would my students have learned as much if I'd spent less time obsessing over silly little things?

And I have so much STUFF everywhere. When and how did I manage to accumulate all of it? It does feel good in a way to throw some out, give some away, and pack the rest up in boxes, but it is weird not knowing when I might see it again or if I will regret giving things away when I might return in a year or two to the same life I know now.

I've been fantasizing about purchasing a home in the Maryland area upon returning from Korea and just teaching at Roosevelt, working at the hotline, and doing community theater--but I don't even know if that's what I really want (hence the travelling/working abroad thing that I've always wanted to do and been too afraid to pursue). And I've been getting weird random crushes--like maybe part of me is looking for an excuse to return or something? So silly.

But mostly, I think it's just worry about the unknown. I'm a planner. I need to know where I'm going, what my next move is, and when it all will happen. But the problem right now is that I finally realized that I never bothered to ask myself what it is that I want. What is the point of planning when I don't know what I'm planning for??? I think I'm finally understanding that my need for security comes from chaotic stuff in childhood and that I'm almost always happiest when I am pursuing new, exciting adventures in life.

Even as the excitement for my new experiences grows with the anticipation of my travels, I need to learn to surf a bit more... I think the problem is trying to plan for what I'll do when I get back when part of the whole point of this journey is to figure out what I want to do! Ha ha!

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